MERWANO  SMITH* 

BOO. 
M« 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 


MY  WIFE'S 
HIDDEN   LIFE 


RAND   McNALLY  &  COMPANY 

CHICAGO  NEW  YORK 


Copyright,  IQJ3> 
By  RAND,  MCNALLY  &  COMPANY 


URL 
SRLF 


4o 


FOREWORD 

It  may  be  asked  why  I  have  voluntarily  laid  bare  the 
story  of  my  married  life,  and  what  possible  good  such 
a  narrative  could  do. 

I  began  it  partly  to  obtain  relief  from  the  strain  of 
intolerable  regret,  and  partly  because  I  thought  that 
the  mere  setting  down  of  the  facts  might  help  me  to  a 
better  understanding  of  my  own  shortcomings,  of  my 
almost  complete  failure  to  grasp  or  appreciate  the  nature 
of  the  woman  I  married. 

Also  it  has  occurred  to  me  that  this  plain,  unadorned 
narration  might  possibly  be  of  use  to  other  men,  who 
may  be  tempted  as  I  was. 

During  the  writing  of  these  chapters  I  have  endeav- 
ored to  keep  myself  well  in  hand,  to  abstain  from  too 
much  morbid  retrospection,  or  surrender  to  the  natural 
feelings  of  remorse  and  sorrow  inseparable  from  my 
experience.  And  when  all  is  done,  there  remains  the 
inexorable  fact  of  my  failure  in  the  most  sacred  and  exact- 
ing relation  of  life. 

Uppermost  in  my  mind  as  I  lay  down  my  pen  are 
these  words  of  Browning: 

"What  she  felt  the  while,  must  I  think? 

Love 's  so  different  with  us  men. 
Dying  for  my  sake,  white  and  pink — 
Can't  we  touch  these  bubbles  then, 
But  they  break?" 


MY   WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 


CHAPTER  I 

I  first  met  Hester  at  a  ball  given  by  the  Lacys  at 
the  Shire  Hall  in  Helston  to  celebrate  the  coming- 
out  of  their  second  daughter  Caroline. 

Ned  Lacy,  the  eldest  son,  was  my  greatest  chum 
in  Helston,  while  the  elder  sister  Maud  had  been  a 
sort  of  sweetheart  of  mine  since  we  were  boy  and 
girl  together. 

Ned's  father  was  the  leading  draper  in  Helston, 
while  I  was  the  only  son  of  the  manager  of  the  Hel- 
ston branch  of  the  Town  and  Counties  Bank. 

In  those  days  Helston,  though  only  eighteen  miles 
from  London,  was  a  remote  and  rather  exclusive 
country  town. 

Now  it  has  been  absorbed  by  Greater  London  and 
has  changed  its  name. 

For  obvious  reasons  I  will  hide  the  place  under  an 
assumed  name,  for  my  story  concerns  real  people, 
many  of  whom  are  still  alive. 

You  can  now  reach  Helston  by  tram  from  the 
Northern  Heights,  and  it  has  become  a  favorite 
residential  suburb,  without  altogether  losing  its 
old-world  charm. 

In  my  day  it  was  a  small  quiet  backwater  much 


io  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

behind  the  times,  though  it  cherished  a  very  high 
opinion  of  itself  both  politically  and  socially. 

The  Lacys,  I  may  explain  here,  though  very 
well  off,  were  not  received  in  the  inner  circle  of 
Helston  society,  which  was  largely  professional  and 
military.  My  family  was  kept  on  the  outside  also, 
owing  to  my  father's  complete  neglect  of  all  social 
amenities. 

He  was  a  very  well-educated,  gentlemanly  man, 
and  I  have  been  told  that  he  changed  a  good  deal 
after  my  mother's  death,  which  took  place  when 
she  was  thirty-one,  leaving  him  with  two  young 
children,  my  sister  Jane  and  myself.  He  never 
married  again.  I  believe  that  he  never  fully  recov- 
ered from  the  shock  of  her  death,  which  caused  an 
alteration  in  all  his  habits. 

He  lost  interest  in  much  that  formerly  interested 
him,  and  developed  that  odd  idiosyncrasy  sometimes 
noticeable  in  certain  men  of  parts,  a  predilection 
for  the  society  of  those  socially  and  intellectually 
his  inferiors. 

Persisted  in,  this  curious  trait  invariably  ends  in 
deterioration,  since  it  is  impossible  for  any  one  who 
makes  a  habit  of  stooping  to  preserve  both  breadth 
and  dignity  of  outlook. 

He  was  an  excellent  bank  manager,  popular  with 
his  clients,  and  the  branch  flourished  during  all  the 
years  he  was  at  its  head. 

At  his  wife's  death  he  invited  a  distant  connection 
of  hers  to  come  and  look  after  the  house.  We 
called  her  Aunt  Sophia,  though  she  was  only  our 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  n 

mother's  cousin;  she  died  when  Jane  was  seven- 
teen, after  which  my  sister  became  the  domestic 
head  of  the  house. 

Perhaps  it  was  this  early  responsibility  which 
imparted  to  my  sister  that  singular  gravity  which 
seemed  to  invest  her  at  times  like  an  impenetrable 
veil.  Jane  and  I  were  quite  good  friends,  but  not 
intimate.  She  did  not  care  for  my  circle  of  friends, 
and  had  very  few  of  her  own. 

Looking  back,  I  fully  realize  now  the  loneliness 
of  her  younger  life,  and  the  power  solitude  must 
have  had  in  the  development  of  her  character  and 
gifts,  undreamed  of  by  those  who  lived  with  her. 

The  Lacys,  at  that  time,  lived  in  a  delightful, 
roomy,  old-fashioned  house  above  their  place  of 
business.  They  were  a  numerous  and  happy 
family,  enjoying  life  to  the  full.  They  were  a  jolly, 
if  rather  a  vulgar  crew ;  there  was  no  stint,  of  good 
food  and  homely  license  in  their  house,  which  was 
very  acceptable  to  a  lad  who  found  his  own  home 
deadly  dull. 

My  father  did  not  trouble  himself  about  my  future. 
When  I  left  Helston  Grammar  School  he  simply 
made  a  place  for  me  in  the  bank,  where  it  was  popu- 
larly supposed  that  I  should  one  day  succeed  him. 

My  outlook  and  surroundings  being  so  much  cir- 
cumscribed, it  was  a  great  thing  for  me  to  get  out 
into  the  wider  atmosphere  of  the  Lacy  household. 
Ned  was  a  handsome,  dashing  fellow,  much  in  request 
socially,  and  his  father  did  not  stint  him  in  the  matter 
of  money. 


12  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

He  was  rather  a  fast  youth  in  his  early  twenties, 
but  pulled  up  at  twenty-five  and  became  engaged 
to  the  daughter  of  a  retired  captain  in  the  army, 
which  gave  the  Lacys  a  big  social  lift. 

Her  people  were  not  keen  on  the  match,  but  were 
reconciled  to  it  by  the  handsome  settlements  old 
Lacy  agreed  to  make  on  the  young  couple.  She 
was  a  fine-looking  girl,  a  year  older  than  Ned,  and 
had  a  great  deal  of  power  over  him.  It  may  be 
said  here  that  Ned  Lacy's  marriage  was  the  making 
of  him  in  every  way. 

After  his  engagement  was  announced,  Mrs.  Lacy 
persuaded  her  husband  to  build  her  a  new  double- 
fronted  house  on  the  Hill,  which  was  the  name  of  the 
most  select  Helston  suburb,  and  the  ball  at  the  Shire 
Hall,  though  given  ostensibly  for  Carrie,  was  of  the 
nature  of  a  house  warming. 

We  were  all  asked,  but  my  father,  as  usual, 
declined.  He  disliked  the  Lacys  intensely,  and 
often  chipped  me  about  my  intimacy  with  them. 
He  thought  them  common  and  not  good  enough 
for  me  to  associate  with. 

I  might  have  retorted  with  perfect  truth  that  as 
he  had  never  taken  the  smallest  trouble  to  create  a 
social  atmosphere  for  us,  we  were  entitled  to  seek 
our  own.  But  we  seldom  wrangled.  It  was  only 
at  a  very  rare  time  that  the  narrowness  of  my  home 
life  irritated  me.  It  was  in  reality  much  harder 
for  Jane,  for  she  did  not  make  friends  easily,  and 
a  girl  is  hampered  as  no  man  ever  can  be. 

Jane  also  disliked  the  Lacys,  all  except  Carrie,  who 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  13 

was  rather  young  to  be  a  companion  for  her.  The 
two  younger  children,  Flo  and  Bertha,  commonly 
called  "the  Babe,"  had,  in  pursuance  of  their 
mother's  soaring  ambitions,  been  sent  to  a  boarding 
school  in  Brussels.  They  were  permitted  to  come 
over  for  the  week-end  in  charge  of  a  governess  for 
the  purpose  of  attending  Carrie's  coming-out  ball, 
an  occurrence  which  was  destined  to  alter  the  whole 
current  of  my  life. 

I  have  already  hinted  that  there  had  been  some 
romantic  passages  between  me  and  Maud  Lacy, 
who  was  a  handsome,  showy  girl,  invariably  attract- 
ing the  attention  of  men  wherever  she  went. 

She  had  told  me,  however,  that  nothing  on  earth 
would  induce  her  to  marry  a  poor  man,  and  that  a 
bank  manager  did  not  come  into  her  scheme  of 
things  at  all.  This  was  speech  plain  enough  to 
absolve  me  from  any  feeling  of  responsibility,  and 
we  flirted  outrageously,  and  continued  to  be  the  best 
of  friends,  while  everybody  else  was  extremely 
anxious  to  convert  us  into  something  nearer. 

Mrs.  Lacy  was  an  excellent  and  devoted  mother, 
but  Ned  and  Maud  were  her  favorites.  While  she 
could  not  be  actively  unkind  or  neglectful  of  any- 
body, she  certainly  showed  these  two  exceptional 
indulgence.  Her  treatment  of  the  younger  members 
of  her  family  often  reminded  me  of  old  Emile 
Leblanc,  our  French  master  at  the  Grammar  School, 
who,  on  being  congratulated  on  the  arrival  of  his 
third  child  after  a  lapse  of  several  years,  observed, 
with  an  expressive  shrug: 


i4  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

"Ah  oui,  elle  est  charmante,  mais  elle  n'est  pas 
necessaire!" 

The  Shire  Hall  was  admirably  adapted  for  dance- 
giving,  and  presented  a  pretty  spectacle  on  that 
eventful  night.  Mrs.  Lacy  had  spared  no  expense. 
The  stairs  were  richly  carpeted,  and  banked  all  the 
way  up  with  flowering  plants.  She  received  her 
guests  at  the  entrance  to  the  Council  Chamber  and 
bestowed  her  heartiest  greeting  on  us  when  we 
arrived. 

"So  good  of  you  to  come,  Jane,  when  we  all  know 
you  don't  care  for  this  sort  of  thing.  Well,  how  do 
you  think  it  looks,  Gilbert?  I  expected  you  a 
quarter  of  an  hour  before  nine,  instead  of  twenty 
minutes  after.  Ned  is  not  a  bit  of  good.  I  shall 
expect  you  to  keep  an  eye  on  everything." 

These  few  words  will  serve  to  indicate  the  position 
I  occupied  in  the  Lacy  household,  where  I  was 
treated  precisely  as  a  son.  I  had  assisted  in  all 
the  preparations,  had  engaged  the  band  in  London 
from  the  same  huge  emporium  which  was  providing 
the  supper,  which  was  to  be  the  talk  of  Helston 
presently.  Mrs.  Lacy  intended  to  shine  as  a  hostess, 
but  it  was  a  hopeless  effort  so  far  as  social  recogni- 
tion was  concerned.  In  Helston  one  might  spend 
a  whole  fortune,  and  still  be  barred  entrance  to  even 
one  of  the  small,  flat  Georgian  houses  on  North 
Plain  where  the  elect  lived. 

I  knew  a  great  many  people,  and  was  kept  busy 
for  several  minutes  greeting  them.  Dancing  had 
already  begun,  and  the  ballroom  presented  a  very 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  15 

pretty  and  animated  scene.  It  was  a  very  ordinary 
Helston  crowd,  though  there  were  a  few  men  outside 
of  the  Lacy  circle  who  possessed  the  magic  key  to 
the  inner  shrine  of  Helston  society.  But  all  their 
feminine  relations  were  conspicuous  by  their  absence, 
though  Mrs.  Lacy  had  not  hesitated  to  invite  several 
whom  she  only  knew  as  customers  at  the  shop. 
Among  these  young  men  was  Hubert  Parfitt,  only 
son  and  heir  of  the  Parfitts  of  Gresley  Manor. 
He  seemed  attracted  by  Maud,  whose  daring  red 
outline  he  shadowed  all  the  evening.  He  was  rather 
a  vacuous  youth  with  a  willowy  figure,  and  a  small 
head  perched  like  an  ostrich's  on  a  long  neck. 

He  wore  a  monocle,  which  was  perpetually  falling 
off,  and  he  looked  like  the  most  exaggerated  type  of 
the  genus  dude. 

The  younger  Lacys  openly  mimicked  and  made 
fun  of  him. 

There  were  some  few  other  men  in  Parfitt 's  set 
who  had  come  for  the  fun  of  the  thing,  and  to  see 
whether  Mrs.  Lacy  would  do  them  well. 

Maud  was  waltzing  with  Parfitt,  which  was 
extremely  bad  taste  in  her  so  early  in  the  evening, 
there  being  many  girls  unprovided  with  partners. 
Ned  was  with  his  fiancee,  of  course,  and  there  was 
without  doubt  plenty  for  me  to  do.  I  set  about 
doing  it  at  once.  I  felt  no  jealous  thrill  as  I  observed 
Maud  in  her  partner's  arms,  even  while  she  threw  me 
a  mocking  and  triumphant  glance  from  her  fine, 
black  eyes.  I  had  perhaps  seen  too  much  of  Maud 
in  her  father's  house,  and  there  was  nothing  of  that 


16  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

mysterious  elusiveness  about  her  which  attracts  a 
man.  I  have  often  wondered  why  more  women  do 
not  probe  the  secret  of  lasting  power  over  men. 
It  is  this  very  quality  of  elusiveness  and  unexpect- 
edness which  Maud  Lacy  conspicuously  lacked.  If 
it  entered  more  largely  into  the  scheme  of  matri- 
mony, there  would  be  fewer  stale,  flat,  and  unprofit- 
able homes. 

I  remember  making  a  remark  of  this  kind  to  a 
big,  slow  Scotchman  named  Yuill,  with  whom  I  used 
to  travel  from  North  Finchley  to  the  city  after  I  had 
established  a  home  there,  but  he  looked  at  me  with 
a  derisive  stare. 

"I  'm  for  none  of  that  devilment  at  my  fireside, 
Trent.  A  man  wants  to  be  sure  of  what  he'll  find 
there,  and  know  that  he'll  find  it  always." 

My  pulses  did  not  so  much  as  stir  at  sight  of 
Maud  Lacy  in  Parfitt's  arms.  I  looked  away  and 
began  to  whip  up  various  idle  youths  who  wanted 
to  be  partnered.  There  were  about  ninety  persons 
in  the  room,  and  the  guests  had  nearly  all  arrived. 
There  would  be  few  late-comers  in  the  Lacy's  set. 
It  is  the  middle  classes  who  are  punctual  in  most 
of  their  engagements. 

There  were  plenty  of  dancing  men  and  pretty 
girls.  Carrie  was  slipping  about  doing  her  best  to 
make  people  happy,  not  appearing  to  think  that, 
as  it  was  her  coming-out  party,  special  attention 
should  have  been  paid  to  her. 

Everybody  liked  Carrie  Lacy,  though  she  was  a 
person  you  sometimes  forgot  about.  Then,  when 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  17 

you  saw  her,  you  wondered  why  you  dared  to  forget. 
She  had  a  sweet,  rather  piquant  look  on  her  demure 
little  face,  which  was  enhanced  by  the  quaint, 
quaker-like  way  in  which  she  arranged  her  hair, 
rippling  down  over  her  ears. 

She  was  the  exact  opposite  in  every  respect  of  her 
brilliant  sister. 

"There  you  are,  Gilbert.  I'm  so  glad  you've 
come.  You'll  help  ever  so  much.  I've  been  watch- 
ing how  splendidly  you  get  these  lazy  boys  to  dance. 
Now  I  want  to  introduce  you  to  somebody,  so  that 
you'll  be  kind  to  her." 

"I  haven't  seen  Flo  or  the  Babe  yet.  I  suppose 
they've  arrived,"  I  said  rather  unwillingly.  I  should 
have  liked  a  dance  with  Carrie  myself. 

"Oh,  yes,  about  seven.  Miss  Lawrence  brought 
them.  She's  so  nice.  I  shouldn't  mind  being  at 
La  Grenade  myself,  if  I  had  her  to  teach  me." 

"Where  is  she?"  I  asked  interestedly. 

"Come  and  see,"  said  Carrie,  slipping  her  kindly 
hand  on  my  arm.  She  took  me  to  the  sitting-out 
place,  which  was  ideally  arranged.  And  there,  quite 
suddenly  in  the  shade  of  a  big  palm,  with  the  Babe 
squatted  beside  her,  I  saw  the  woman  who  was  to 
influence  my  life  for  all  time. 

How  shall  I  describe  Hester?  I  see  her  before 
me  now  in  so  many  varying  forms.  That  night 
she  wore  a  black  frock,  something  very  simple,  I 
am  sure,  for  the  keynote  of  her  personal  attire  was 
always  simplicity.  It  was  cut  low  at  the  neck, 
however,  and,  unrelieved  by  any  white  trimming, 


i8  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

showed  the  whiteness  of  her  skin.  She  had  an  oval 
face  and  soft  brown  hair,  neither  frizzled  nor  tor- 
tured, though  it  had  a  natural  wave  which  no  brush- 
ing could  smooth  out.  There  were  quantities  of 
it,  which,  wound  in  coils  about  her  head,  gave  her 
a  somewhat  stately  look. 

She  was  not  very  tall,  but  her  figure  was  graceful, 
and  she  had  small  feet  and  hands.  I  felt  distinctly 
conscious  of  a  strange  thrill  as  I  was  introduced  to 
her,  and  as  I  watched  her  pretty  fingers  playing  with 
the  long  chain  about  her  neck,  I  longed  to  touch 
them. 

There  was  something  at  once  sweet  and  wistful 
in  her  expression,  and  yet  a  little  remoteness  which 
drew  me.  When  she  smiled,  however,  her  face  quite 
changed,  and  became  illuminated,  as  if  with  a  sudden 
ray  of  sunshine. 

"This  is  Gilbert  Trent,  Miss  Lawrence.  I  dare 
say  Flo  and  Babe  have  told  you  all  about  him,"  said 
Carrie.  "He  's  Ned's  greatest  chum,  and  simply 
lives  at  our  house,  don't  you,  Gib?  Babe,  we  had 
better  go  and  find  out  what  mummy  is  doing.  I  am 
sure  she  must  be  getting  very  tired." 

I  blessed  Carrie  for  her  tact ;  I  believe  she  under- 
stood even  then  that  I  was  simply  dying  for  an 
opportunity  to  talk  with  Miss  Lawrence  alone. 

"It  gives  me  uncommon  pleasure  to  meet  you, 
Miss  Lawrence,"  I  said  impressively.  "I  hope  you 
will  give  me  some  dances  yet.  May  I  see  your 
program?" 

"I  don't  think  I  wish  to  dance,"  she  answered, 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  19 

with  her  quiet,  bright  smile.  "It  is  so  much  more 
interesting  to  watch  the  people.  This  is  my  first 
introduction  to  English  society,  and  I  think  it  was 
very  kind  of  Mrs.  Lacy  to  permit  me  to  come  here 
to-night." 

Her  voice  was  so  friendly  that  I  felt  encouraged  to 
ask  her  to  sit  out  with  me.  I  noticed  again  the 
beauty  of  her  hands,  as  they  still  played  with  the 
little  cross  attached  to  her  chain. 

They  were  exquisitely  molded — characteristic, 
sensitive  hands,  only  possessed  by  persons  of  refined 
and  lofty  nature. 

There  was  something  so  attractive  and  restful 
about  her,  that  I  felt  more  and  more  drawn  toward 
her.  There  was  nothing  restful  about  the  Lacys. 

"Do  you  mean  that  you  have  never  been  in 
England  before?  But  you  are  English?"  I  began. 

"Oh,  yes!  But  I  was  born  in  India,  and  my  only 
experience  of  England  has  been  in  passing  through 
London  to  the  Continent.  I  was  at  school  at  La 
Grenade  when  my  father  died;  and  I  stopped  on 
through  the  kindness  of  the  dear  principals.  I  am 
earning  my  living  there  now." 

"I  am  very  sorry  for  you,"  I  said  quickly. 

"Oh,  why?  I  am  very  happy.  I  have  congenial 
work,  and  a  kind  home  with  two  of  the  finest  gentle- 
women in  the  world.  There  are  very  few  conti- 
nental schools  to  compare  with  La  Grenade,"  she 
said  warmly. 

"Mrs.  Lacy  will  be  pleased  to  hear  that,  I  am  sure. 
She  has  been  anxious  about  Flo  and  the  Babe." 


20  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

"They  are  dear  children,  and  I  am  very  glad  to 
have  the  opportunity  of  seeing  their  home.  It  helps 
me  to  understand  them  better." 

At  that  moment  Flo,  then  in  the  acute  flapper 
stage,  her  large  feet  showing  aggressively  under  her 
skimpy  ball  frock,  and  her  big  hair  bow  of  blue 
ribbon  flapping  wildly,  came  flying  up  to  us. 

"Mum  wants  you,  Gib;  she's  simply  aching  to  tell 
you  what  she  thinks  of  you  for  deserting  her.  You 
must  positively  run,  or  she  won't  forgive  you." 

I  apologized  to  Miss  Lawrence  as  I  rose  to  obey 
my  hostess's  behest.  As  I  walked  away  I  heard  the 
flapper  make  a  bold,  unwarranted,  and  wholly 
unnecessary  statement  regarding  me. 

"Isn't  he  nice?  An  old  flame  of  Maud's;  but 
they've  quarrelled  or  something.  Anyway,  it's  off, 
but  he's  a  rattling  good  sort." 


CHAPTER  II 

Mrs.  Lacy  had  left  her  stand  at  the  head  of  the 
staircase,  and  was  keeping  a  general's  eye  on  the 
proceedings. 

When  I  found  her  she  received  me  with  a  half- 
smile  and  a  reproving  shake  of  the  head. 

"I  hope  you  don't  mind  my  sending  for  you, 
Gilbert.  I  simply  can't  afford  to  waste  one  of  my 
best  dancing  men  on  a  governess.  Go  at  once  and 
ask  Miss  Briggs  for  the  lancers." 

Miss  Briggs  was  the  plain  and  rather  shrewish 
daughter  of  the  Mayor,  who  was  the  fish  and  poultry 
dealer  in  the  town.  He  was  the  first  teetotal  Mayor 
Helston  had  ever  had,  and  had  only  accepted  the 
office,  then  going  begging,  on  the  understanding  that 
he  should  not  be  expected  to  provide  cake  and  wine 
banquets,  or  any  other  kind  of  entertainment  cost- 
ing money  and  necessitating  the  presence  of  strong 
drink. 

For  these  obvious  reasons  Briggs  was  unpopular 
as  a  Mayor,  and  they  were  already  pressing  Mr.  Lacy 
to  reconsider  all  his  former  refusals,  and  allow 
himself  to  be  nominated  for  the  following  year. 
He  was  considering  it.  The  reason  he  had  refused 
before  was  that  he  was  a  shy  man  in  public,  and 

21 


22  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

dreaded  the  inevitable  speechifying.  This  was  ex- 
traordinary in  a  man  who,  in  private  life,  was  some- 
thing of  a  bore,  but  it  is  not  so  unusual  as  one 
might  think. 

I  looked  a  little  blank  at  Mrs.  Lacy's  suggestion, 
for  Clara  Briggs  was  no  favorite  of  mine.  Her 
tongue  was  both  sharp  and  spiteful,  and  she  had  a 
way  of  making  even  a  decent  kind  of  chap  feel  like 
a  worm.  I  was  not  particularly  vain,  but  I  liked  to 
feel  comfortable  and  satisfied  with  myself.  I  knew 
that  I  was  passably  good-looking,  and  that  I  had 
a  certain  modest  position.  Clara  Briggs  made  me 
feel  that  I  was  not  even  passable. 

She  was  a  small,  scraggy  young  woman,  with  a 
thin  neck  and  a  shrill  voice.  She  dressed  in  the 
worst  possible  taste.  That  night  she  wore  a  heavenly 
shade  of  blue  that  matched  the  eyes  of  a  child,  a 
shade  such  as  very  few  women,  and  these  only 
specially  fair  and  delicately  colored,  could  afford  to 
choose.  There  was  a  quantity  of  coarse,  string- 
colored  lace  about  the  bodice,  I  remember,  and 
enveloping  her  skinny  arms,  which  did  not  in  the 
least  help  to  tone  it  down.  She  looked  simply 
appalling. 

"All  right,  madam,"  I  answered  ruefully  to  my 
hostess,  with  a  sort  of  mock  humility  mingled  with 
affection.  "I'll  do  my  duty  at  whatever  cost." 

"That's  a  good  boy;  you  see,  I  treat  you  like  my 
own  son,"  she  said,  with  an  answering  affection  in 
her  kind  eyes.  "Ned  is  positively  no  use  to-night, 
and,  as  for  Cyril,  I  suppose  he  is  already  in  the 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  23 

supper  room.  If  you  really  want  to  escape  the 
toils,  Gib,  you  must  get  engaged." 

"I'm  thinking  about  it,"  I  answered  with  a  smile 
over  my  shoulder,  as  I  made  my  way  to  the  side  of 
Miss  Briggs.  She  accepted  me  as  a  partner  at 
once,  and  began  to  criticize  everything  while  we 
waited  for  the  dance  to  begin.  She  had  hardly 
anything  kind  to  say,  and  was  specially  hard  on 
the  extravagant  frocks.  She  had  a  certain  smart- 
ness of  expression,  which  sometimes  passes  for 
cleverness.  But  real  cleverness  has  depths,  which 
mellow  it.  Clara's  had  none.  Presently  it  was 
Hester  Lawrence,  dancing  with  young  Captain 
Mauld,  who  came  under  review. 

"Who  is  that  odd-looking  person  Captain  Mauld 
has  got  hold  of?  There  are  a  lot  of  odd  people  here 
to-night,  aren't  there?  But  she's  quite  a  stranger. 
Do  you  think  Mrs.  Lacy  has  been  discriminating 
in  her  invitations,  Mr.  Trent?" 

"I  don't  know,  but  it's  a  jolly  party,"  I  answered 
rather  shortly,  for  somehow  the  sight  of  Miss  Law- 
rence dancing  with  Mauld,  easily  the  handsomest 
man  in  the  room,  disquieted  me. 

"Of  course,  Mrs.  Lacy  always  does  things  well. 
Papa  wonders  how  they  can  afford  it.  It  is  a  good 
business,  of  course,  but  businesses  have  to  be  hus- 
banded. It  never  does  to  encroach  on  capital." 

"I  haven't  heard  that  the  Lacys  are  encroaching 
on  capital,"  I  said,  just  for  the  fun  of  the  thing,  and 
to  hear  what  she  would  say  next. 

"Well,  I  never  gossip,  but,  entre  nous" — (one  of 


24  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

Clara's  most  objectionable  habits  was  her  prolific 
use  of  French  phrases,  very  often  quite  in  the  wrong 
place) — "the  new  house  on  the  Hill  and  all  this 
flutter  may  be  something  of  a  blind.  Nobody  need 
be  surprised  if  things,  other  kinds  of  things,  happen 
next  year." 

I  smiled  over  her  head,  for  old  Lacy  banked  with 
us,  and  his  financial  state  had  never  been  sounder. 

"Let's  hope  we  shan't  hear  anything  disagreeable, 
Miss  Briggs.  Nice  house,  Hill  Rise,  isn't  it?  You 
must  persuade  the  Mayor  to  build  you  one  on  the 
Hill." 

"Oh,  we  are  quite  simple  people,  Mr.  Trent. 
We  like  to  pay  our  way  and  keep  a  substantial 
margin.  Papa  is  a  plain  man,  but  his  business 
ideals  are  high." 

"Quite  right,"  I  murmured  fatuously.  "Wish 
there  were  a  few  more  like  him." 

"But  you're  not  telling  me  who  the  plain  girl  in 
black  with  Captain  Mauld  is.  Such  bad  taste  to 
have  a  train  in  a  ballroom.  She  evidently  doesn't 
know  that  the  latest  fashion  in  dance  frocks  is  to 
have  them  quite  clear  of  the  ground." 

"She  probably  knows,  but  couldn't  afford  to  have 
the  newest  thing.  She's  a  governess  from  the  school 
where  Flo  and  Bertha  are  in  Brussels.  But  I  must 
say  she  manages  her  train  rather  well." 

She  had  it  over  her  arm,  and  the  froth  of  a  lace- 
trimmed  petticoat  was  about  her  dainty  feet. 

"Oh,  I  say,  a  governess!  and  just  look  at  her 
underskirt!  Do  you  call  that  decent,  Mr.  Trent?" 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  25 

"It's  uncommonly  pretty,"  I  answered  with  per- 
fect truth.  "And  she's  a  beautiful  dancer." 

It  may  be  wondered  that  I  should  remember 
such  a  foolish  conversation  after  the  lapse  of  five- 
and-twenty  years.  But  that  night  stands  out  like 
a  cameo  in  the  book  of  remembrances.  As  I  write 
I  am  far  enough  away  from  my  solitary  den  in 
North  Finchley,  the  sport  of  a  thousand  memories 
bitter  and  sweet.  At  this  moment  I  see  the  bril- 
liantly lighted  Shire  Hall  as  vividly  as  if  I  were 
under  its  decorated  roof,  the  animated  throng, 
and,  above  all,  the  graceful  figure  of  my  Hester  in 
the  dance.  I  feel  anew  the  odd  thrill  of  jealously 
which  sent  a  pang  through  me  at  sight  of  Mauld's 
close  attention  to  her.  She  was  much  in  request 
after  that,  and  supper  was  well  advanced  when 
I  once  more  found  her  alone.  I  asked  her  to  allow 
me  to  take  her  to  supper,  though  Mrs.  Lacy  had 
ruthlessly  commandeered  me  again,  and  directed 
my  attention  to  several  wall-flowers. 

"No,  no,  madam!"  I  laughingly  replied.  "1 
have  done  my  duty,  and  must  now  claim  the  reward 
of  merit." 

"What's  that?"  she  asked  interestedly. 

"I  am  going  to  take  Miss  Lawrence  to  supper  if 
she'll  allow  me." 

"Oh,  but  Gilbert,  it's  totally  unnecessary!  I 
assure  you  she  won't  expect  it.  Anybody  can  take 
her.  She  can  go  with  the  children,  or  I  will  get  a 
hold  of  Bob  a  little  later.  Don't  trouble  about  her." 

Bob  was  her  husband,  and  she  mentioned  his 


26  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

name  to  mollify  me,  seeing,  I  suppose,  that  I  was 
determined. 

"She's  having  quite  a  good  time,  really — in  fact, 
she's  had  some  of  the  best  partners.  Some  girls  in 
her  position  would  have  refused  them,  but,  of  course, 
she  could  not  be  expected  to  know  any  better." 

Mrs.  Lacy  was  not  in  the  least  angry;  it  was  only 
her  middle-class  point  of  view. 

"I  '11  return  to  the  path  of  duty  without  fail  after 
supper,"  I  answered  as  I  hastened  away,  assured  that 
if  I  dallied  any  longer  I  should  miss  my  chance. 

I  found  her  where  I  had  left  her,  quite  alone,  and 
she  was  pleased  to  see  me  again.  I  asked  her  to 
supper  humbly,  even  beseechingly,  as  a  man  solicits 
that  which  he  really  and  fervently  desires. 

"I  am  sorry,  but  I  have  promised  Captain  Mauld. 
Here  he  comes!" 

"And  when  am  I  to  have  my  dances?"  I  asked 
hotly.  "Do  you  know  you  have  given  them  all 
away  but  one?" 

"Have  I?  But  then  you  see  I  didn't  know  the 
engagement  was  binding,"  she  answered  merrily. 
"I'll  give  you  the  after-supper  dance  if  Mrs.  Lacy 
doesn't  mind.  I  expect  I  shall  have  to  take  the 
children  home  very  soon.  I  have  enjoyed  myself.  I 
had  no  idea  a  real  party  could  be  so  delightful." 

She  looked  so  animated  at  the  moment,  so  joy- 
ous, and  so  young,  that  her  whole  appearance  seemed 
to  alter  and  improve.  It  was  always  like  that. 

There  seemed  to  be  two  Hesters — one  with  the 
quiet,  immovable  face  and  deep,  inscrutable  eyes,  and 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  27 

a  radiant,  child-like  Hester,  that  sparkled  and  shone. 
Ah,  me!  to  think  that  I,  who  had  the  incomparable 
chance,  should  not  have  kept  the  radiance  forever 
at  my  side !  It  was  left  to  others  to  touch  the  deli- 
cate springs  of  her  being,  and  to  bring  forth  all  that 
was  lovely  and  fine  from  the  rich  recesses,  while  I, 
poor  fool  and  blind  .  .  . 

"This  is  my  privilege,  I  think,  Trent,"  said 
Mauld's  voice  at  my  elbow,  and  as  I  turned  I  hated 
his  handsome  looks,  his  red  coat,  his  well-set-up, 
soldierly  figure.  I  remembered  having  read  or 
heard  somewhere  that  all  women  loved  a  uniform; 
doubtless  Hester  would  be  no  exception  to  the  rule. 

I  went  off  somewhat  gloomily  to  release  some  wall- 
flowers, the  more  uninteresting  and  wilted  the  better, 
as  I  could  not  have  Hester.  The  supper  half -hour 
was  rendered  unbearable  to  me  by  being  obliged 
to  observe  Mauld's  gallant  care  of  his  partner,  and 
her  gay  response  to  his  endeavors  to  entertain  her. 
Apparently  she  was  quite  unconscious  that  she  had 
done  anything  to  vex  her  hostess,  and  I  am  grateful 
to  this  day  to  Mrs.  Lacy  that  she  did  not  suffer  her 
to  guess  it. 

"I  am  impatient  for  my  dance,  and  the  musicians 
are  tuning  up,"  I  said,  waiting  for  her  at  the  door  of 
the  supper  room. 

"I  am  afraid  I  must  ask  if  you  will  sit  it  out  or  let 
me  go.  I  am  very  tired.  I  was  up  early  this  morn- 
ing, before  five  o'clock;  then  there  was  the  journey 
and  the  children.  It  has  seemed  rather  a  long  day ! " 

I  agreed,  and,  with  the  utmost  concern,  heedless  of 


28  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

what  eyes  might  be  on  me — as  a  matter  of  fact, 
a  good  many  were  now  watching  Hester's  movements 
and  asking  who  she  was — I  found  her  a  comfortable 
seat  in  the  lounge. 

"I  shall  have  to  be  going  in  about  five  minutes. 
Mrs.  Lacy  wants  the  children  to  be  taken  home.  I 
hear  Bertha  has  had  seven  ices.  I  hope  no  disaster 
will  ensue." 

"The  Babe  has  the  capacity  of  an  ostrich,  and  his 
digestion,"  I  assured  her  cheerfully,  any  frivolity 
serving  as  an  excuse  to  detain  her.  "Of  course, 
you  are  staying  at  Hill  Rise  over  the  Sunday?" 

"Yes,  we  leave  at  nine  o'clock  on  Monday  morn- 
ing, I  believe.  The  boat  train  starts  from  Victoria 
at  eleven." 

I  mentally  resolved  to  see  as  much  of  her  as  possible 
in  the  interval,  but  the  Fates  were  not  going  to  be  kind. 

"I  should  so  much  like  to  be  introduced  to  your 
sister,"  she  said  presently,  with  that  little  touch 
of  unexpectedness  which  always  charmed.  "Carrie 
promised  to  take  me  to  her,  but  apparently  she  has 
forgotten." 

"I'll  find  her  if  you  promise  not  to  move  away,  or 
to  let  anybody  else  monopolize  you.  This  is  still 
my  dance,  you  know." 

She  smiled  and  nodded,  and  I  went  off  with  the 
fixed  determination  to  secure  Jane  as  an  ally.  If 
only  she  would  be  persuaded  to  ask  her  to  tea,  even 
with  her  charges,  which  would  certainly  disarm  all 
suspicion,  at  our  house  next  day,  what  a  chance  would 
be  mine! 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  29 

I  knew  at  the  moment  of  meeting  that  these  two 
would  be  friends,  but  it  was  not  till  after,  until  all 
the  deeps  were  opened,  that  I  knew  how  much  they 
were  to  one  another.  Jane's  eyes  beamed  on  the 
governess  from  behind  her  eyeglasses,  and  her  voice 
was  saying  kind  things  immediately.  She  had  the 
uncommon  faculty  of  being  able  to  say  the  right 
thing  at  the  right  moment,  and,  what  is  even  more 
uncommon,  of  never  omitting  to  say  it. 

If  all  the  unsaid  kind  things  could  be  tabulated, 
how  they  would  weigh  against  the  hidden  heartache 
of  the  world ! 

Jane  seldom  criticized  people,  and  never  blamed 
them.  I  know  now  that  she  had  a  good  deal  to  bear 
from  two  careless  and  quite  self-centred  men  at  the 
Helston  Bank  House,  but  she  had  never  once  com- 
plained. She  bore  all  in  silence.  Why?  Because 
she  had  an  inner  life,  a  life  of  the  soul  which  not  one 
in  her  circle  suspected.  I  had  no  great  powers  of 
observation,  at  least  they  were  then  wholly  untrained, 
but  it  was  easy  to  see  that  these  two  understood 
one  another  at  the  very  moment  of  meeting,  and 
discovered  a  plane  for  their  common  interest. 

I  was  reminded  by  a  rueful  glance  at  my  pro- 
gram that  a  partner  was  waiting  for  me  now,  and 
I  had  to  leave  them.  When  I  returned  to  the  lounge 
in  about  ten  minutes'  time,  I  found  to  my  chagrin 
that  Hester  had  disappeared,  taking  Flo  and  the 
Babe  with  her.  I  felt  an  unreasoning  resentment 
that  such  a  woman  should  be  so  absolutely  at  Mrs. 
Lacy's  beck  and  call,  as  if  she  had  been  a  child.  I 


30  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

tried  to  hide  it,  but  the  rest  of  the  evening  was 
spoiled  for  me.  It  was  now  considerably  past 
midnight,  and,  finding  Jane  again,  I  suggested  that 
we  should  go  home.  She  looked  surprised. 

"We  can  hardly  do  that,  I  think,  Gilbert.  Mrs. 
Lacy  wouldn't  like  it,  as  she  depends  so  much  on 
you.  Go  and  dance.  I  think  we  must  both  see  it 
out." 

We  did,  and  walked  home  together  about  two 
o'clock  in  the  morning.  It  was  only  a  hundred  yards, 
and  the  night  was  clear  and  fine,  though  rather  cold. 

"It  was  a  nice  party,  wasn't  it,  Gilbert?  Mrs. 
Lacy  really  makes  an  excellent  hostess.  She  so 
obviously  enjoys  herself,  and  that  makes  things  go. 
Haven't  you  enjoyed  it?  You  seem  dull." 

"I  liked  it  all  right,  only  it  was  a  bit  long-drawn- 
out,"  I  answered.  "I  was  disappointed  when  I  got 
back  to  the  lounge  to  find  Miss  Lawrence  gone. 
Did  Mrs.  Lacy  come  and  order  her  off  with  that 
insufferable  kid  ? ' ' 

"Oh,  dear,  no!"  said  Jane,  looking  at  me  in  mild 
surprise.  "It  was  Miss  Lawrence's  own  suggestion. 
She  was  most  frightfully  tired,  and  looked  it.  She 
was  up  at  some  unearthly  hour  yesterday." 

1 '  I  hope  you  liked  her,  Jane  ?  She 's  different  from 
the  Helston  crowd,  don't  you  think?  She  struck 
quite  a  new  note?" 

"She  is  quite  different.  Of  course,  she  is  a  lady; 
any  one  could  see  that,  and  her  manners  are  perfect. 
I  asked  her  to  come  to  tea  with  me  to-morrow  if 
convenient  to  Mrs.  Lacy.  Father  will  be  golfing 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  31 

probably ;  you  know  he  does  n't  like  new  people. 
She  is  to  let  me  know  in  the  morning." 

I  could  have  blessed  her  on  the  spot.  I  hid  my 
eager  delight,  however,  and  when  I  reached  my  own 
room  I  turned  the  gas  full  on,  and  made  a  deliberate 
survey  of  myself,  took  a  sort  of  inventory  as  it  were, 
to  discover  whether  I  possessed  anything  to  com- 
mend me  to  a  woman's  favor. 

I  was  five  feet  eleven  inches  in  height,  and  had  the 
well-knit  figure  of  the  man  who  relieves  sedentary 
employment  by  active  outdoor  life  in  his  leisure. 
My  face  was  regularly  featured,  and  though  the 
fashion  for  clean  shaving  had  just  come  into  vogue, 
my  mouth  and  chin  did  not  suffer  thereby.  I  went 
to  bed  satisfied,  on  the  whole,  with  my  looks,  which 
had  hitherto  not  caused  me  much  concern.  I  fell 
asleep  after  a  considerable  interval,  with  the  pleas- 
ant prospect  of  seeing  Hester  Lawrence  again  on  the 
morrow.  But  disappointment  awaited  me.  I  got 
down  to  breakfast  a  little  late  to  find  that  Jane  had 
received  a  note  from  Hester,  delivered  on  the  way 
to  the  station,  where  she  and  the  children  were  to 
catch  the  nine-thirty  train  for  London.  It  was 
Mrs.  Lacy's  wish  that  she  should  take  them  to  the 
British  Museum.  I  hid  my  disappointment  as 
best  I  could,  but  all  day  pondered  on  the  incon- 
siderateness  displayed  by  Mrs.  Lacy  toward  her 
guest.  A  man,  even  in  the  early  stages  of  a  love 
affair,  has  small  sense  of  proportion,  and  takes  an 
exaggerated  view  of  everything  connected  with  the 
object  on  which  he  has  set  his  august  affections. 


32  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

He  practically  requires  that  the  whole  world  shall 
fall  down  in  worship  with  him. 

I  dropped  in  at  Hill  Rise  that  evening  about 
nine,  only  to  find  that  Hester  had  retired  early 
to  bed. 

Again  I  had  to  hide  my  disappointment,  and  spend 
an  hour  discussing  the  ball  and  all  its  details.  Its 
undoubted  success  had  put  Mrs.  Lacy  in  a  high 
good-humor,  but  she  did  not  mention  Hester's 
name. 

Maud,  however,  twitted  me  with  my  attention  to 
the  governess,  and  I  had  some  difficulty  in  keeping 
a  perfectly  unperturbed  demeanor  under  the  fire 
of  her  merciless  sallies. 

I  was  no  churchgoer,  but  for  several  years  had 
accustomed  myself  to  play  golf  on  Sunday  morn- 
ings. I  was  half-minded  to  put  in  an  unusual 
appearance  at  All  Souls'  next  morning,  and  was 
only  deterred  by  the  fact  that  I  had  to  play  a  four- 
some, and  there  was  no  means  of  letting  my  partners 
know  that  I  was  not  coming. 

I  got  back  quite  early  in  the  afternoon,  however, 
and  at  tea-time,  to  my  joy,  found  Hester  Lawrence 
in  the  Lacys'  drawing  room. 

There  were  so  many  callers  that  it  was  some  time 
before  I  could  reach  her  side.  The  Lacys  always  had 
a  substantial  sit-down  tea  at  five  on  Sunday  after- 
noons, at  which  they  were  never  without  guests. 
It  was  really  a  big-hearted,  hospitable  house,  and 
it  was  a  genuine  joy  to  both  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Lacy  to 
see  their  table  full.  I  can  see  now,  however,  that 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  33 

the  circle  of  their  friends  was  really  a  narrow  one; 
there  is  nothing  people  are  more  casual  and  ungrate- 
ful about  than  the  hospitality  of  another  man's 
house.  Mr.  Lacy  was  talking  to  Hester  when  I 
entered  the  room,  and  I  casually  wondered  which  of 
his  pet  themes  he  was  airing  for  her  benefit.  I 
learned  afterwards  that  he  had  been  expatiating  on 
his  methods  of  business,  with  special  reference  to 
his  quarterly  sales,  which  had  been  an  immense 
success,  partly,  I  suppose,  because  they  were  then 
something  of  a  novelty.  I  made  my  way  to  them 
after  a  time,  and  was  received  by  Mr.  Lacy  with  a 
friendly  nod. 

"Good  day,  Gilbert.  Come  to  pay  your  Sunday 
respects  as  usual?  Met  Miss  Lawrence  on  Friday 
night,  I  suppose?  I  fancy  I  saw  you  tripping  the 
light  fantastic  together.  Heard  that  Lord  Wayne- 
flete  is  really  going  to  resign  at  last  ?  We  '11  have  to 
get  busy  in  the  opposition  camp." 

At  that  moment  Hubert  Parfitt  was  announced, 
and  Mr.  Lacy,  looking  much  pleased,  this  being  the 
first  time  a  member  of  the  other  and  more  exclusive 
set  had  dropped  in  informally  at  his  house  on 
Sunday,  hastened  across  the  room  to  receive  him. 
I  seized  my  opportunity  and  dropped  into  his  chair, 
determined  that  nothing  short  of  an  earthquake 
should  tear  me  from  it.  I  made  no  attempt,  I  am 
sure,  to  hide  my  joy,  and  I  thought  that  Hester, 
in  her  short,  trim  skirt  of  navy-blue  serge,  and 
neat,  well-cut  white  blouse,  so  trimly  belted  at  the 
waist,  looked  even  more  charming  than  in  her 

3 


34  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

evening  finery.  She  was  very  pale,  however,  and 
looked  tired. 

"I  am  afraid  they  are  working  you  very  hard  in 
England.  I  was  horrified  to  hear  that  you  had  been 
banished  to  the  British  Museum  yesterday  after 
your  late  night." 

"Oh,  there  was  no  banishment;  it  was  a  genuine 
pleasure,  I  assure  you." 

"But  you  must  have  been  tired  after  Friday; 
indeed,  you  look  tired  now,"  I  said  with  insistent 
solicitude. 

"I  am  not  at  all  tired  to-day.  I  did  not  get  up 
till  nearly  ten  o'clock.  Mrs.  Lacy  insisted  on  my 
having  breakfast  in  bed.  Carrie  brought  it  to  me. 
How  kind  everybody  is,  and  how  interesting  Eng- 
land is!  But  a  great  many  things  surprise  me. 
This  Sunday  calling,  for  instance.  Somehow,  I 
had  got  the  impression,  both  from  my  father  and 
the  Miss  Crosbys,  that  Sunday  was  very  strictly 
kept  in  England." 

"We  are  not  so  bad  as  we  were  in  that  respect.  I 
have  been  on  the  golf  links  all  the  morning." 

She  looked  puzzled  and  not  quite  sure. 

"How  strange!  Don't  you  young  men  go  to 
church  any  more,  then,  for  I  know  Ned  Lacy  was 
not  there  to-day?" 

"It  has — it  has  gone  a  little  out,"  I  said  rather 
awkwardly.  "But  I  dare  say  it  will  come  in  again, 
and  some  of  us  don't  have  much  leisure  week- 
days." 

"In  a  bank?"  she  said,  with  a  little  uplift  of  her 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  35 

brows.  "Why,  I  thought  the  hours  were  very 
short,  quite  enviably  so." 

"We  close  the  doors  at  four  o'clock  in  Helston, 
but  our  work  is  by  no  means  over  then.  Pray  dis- 
miss from  your  mind  the  idea  that  we  have  to  do 
nothing  but  play  ourselves.  Our  directors  see  that 
we  earn  our  meagre  screw." 

As  she  did  not  say  anything,  I  changed  the  subject. 

"Of  course,  every  house  is  not  so  busy  as  this 
on  Sundays.  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Lacy  are  very  hospi- 
table people,  and  the  children  have  carte  blanche  to 
ask  all  their  friends.  At  my  home,  for  instance,  it 
is  different.  Not  a  soul  crosses  its  threshold  on 
Sundays,  and  hardly  on  week-days." 

"I  must  say  I  should  like  a  quiet  Sunday.  But 
haven't  you  any  friends?  Your  sister  must  have,  I 
am  sure;  she  is  so  perfectly  charming." 

"I  am  glad  you  found  her  so,  for  she  is  really 
rather  an  aloof,  retiring  sort  of  person.  She  was  very 
sorry  you  could  not  come  to  tea  yesterday.  Now 
there  won't  be  a  chance  of  your  meeting  again." 

"I  am  afraid  not.  We  go  early  to-morrow  morn- 
ing. Please  tell  her  I  hope  I  shall  have  the  pleasure 
of  seeing  her  again.  Perhaps  you  may  bring  her  to 
Brussels  at  some  holiday  time." 

I  was  about  to  answer  eagerly  that  I  should 
certainly  take  the  earliest  opportunity  of  doing  that, 
when  Maud  Lacy,  with  rather  a  wicked  light  in  her 
eyes,  came  up  to  our  end  of  the  room. 

"You  are  wanted  downstairs  for  tea,  Gilbert. 
Sorry  there  won't  be  room  for  you,  Miss  Lawrence. 


36  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

Mother  has  sent  the  kids  to  the  old  schoolroom,  as 
they  refuse  to  wait." 

"I'll  go  to  them  there,"  said  Hester,  not  in  the 
least  put  out,  but  smiling  serenely  as  she  walked 
away.  I  suppose  I  must  have  scowled,  for  Maud,  in 
evident  enjoyment,  tapped  my  arm. 

"Gone  under  to  a  governess,  Gib,  at  your  time  of 
life!  What  a  falling  off  is  here!"  she  said  mock- 
ingly. "I'm  not  sure  whether  I  am  going  to  forgive 
you  for  your  rudeness  and  neglect  last  night.  Do 
you  know,  you  never  wrote  my  name  on  your 
program  once.  How 's  that  for  auld  lang  syne  ? ' ' 

"I  saw  you  engrossed  with  higher  game,  my  dear," 
I  answered,  entering  into  her  flippant  mood.  ' '  You 
had  nothing  but  scorn  for  yours  truly." 

"Oh,  that  happens  to  suit  your  book  just  at  the 
moment.  You  men  are  adepts  at  slithering  out  of 
tight  corners.  Well,  are  you  coming  to  tea  or  not? 
Parfitt  has  glued  himself  on  to  Carrie  apparently  for 
the  rest  of  the  evening.  These  demure  little  cats 
have  a  way  of  getting  there,  haven't  they?  But, 
seriously,  Gibbie,  what  do  you  see  in  that  cold, 
white-faced  thing?  She  gives  me  the  creeps  with 
her  superior  airs,  and  I'm  sure  she  hasn't  any  feel- 
ings. I'  ve  tried  her,  and  I  know." 

I  listened  to  this  vulgar  chatter  with  a  sense  of 
growing  disgust.  Already  I  was  planning  an  Easter 
trip  to  Brussels,  not,  however,  in  company  with 
Jane,  but  quite  alone. 


CHAPTER  III 

Most  visitors  to  Brussels  are  acquainted  with  the 
beautiful  pleasure  ground  of  Terveuren,  and  know 
that  it  is  an  ideal  spot  for  lovers.  I  was  a  happy, 
though  as  yet  an  unacknowledged,  lover  on  Easter 
Sunday  afternoon  as  I  wandered  its  enchanted  glades 
by  Hester's  side. 

I  arranged  my  little  jaunt,  and  departed  from 
England  without  any  undue  questioning  on  the  part 
of  my  home  people.  On  more  than  one  former  occa- 
sion I  had  gone  abroad  in  company  with  Ned  Lacy 
and  other  chums,  so  that  there  was  nothing  unusual 
about  this  special  proceeding.  Besides,  as  a  family 
we  had  never  made  a  habit  of  explaining  or  even  of 
announcing  our  movements  to  one  another.  Three 
isolated  units,  we  exercised  the  most  complete 
freedom  in  all  the  actions  of  our  lives.  Fully  aware 
of  Jane's  sympathetic  appreciation  of  Miss  Law- 
rence, I  might  have  taken  her  into  my  confidence, 
but  a  lover  in  the  early  stages  of  his  affairs  is  bound 
to  be  secretive.  So  long  as  his  hopes  are  merely  in 
the  air,  he  is  afraid  lest  their  very  existence  should 
be  suspected.  Besides,  the  modesty  and  reticence 
which  characterize  all  real  and  deep  feeling  seal  his  lips. 

It  is  only  the  things  that  do  not  matter  in  a  man's 

37 


38  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

life  which  he  babbles  of  in  the  market-place.  Each 
one,  even  the  most  superficial,  has  his  secret  and 
inviolable  shrine.  There  was  a  certain  element  of 
uncertainty  about  my  journey,  as  I  had  not  the 
remotest  information  regarding  Hester's  holiday 
movements  or  designs,  or  even  any  assurance  that 
I  should  find  her  at  Brussels.  All  I  knew  was  that 
the  Lacy  children  were  travelling  to  England  under 
escort  of  the  principals  of  the  school.  All  else  was 
hidden  in  the  book  of  fate.  Yet  I  set  out,  my 
heart  soaring  with  buoyant  hope. 

I  had  thirty  pounds  to  my  account  in  the  bank,  a 
little  nest-egg  I  had  been  collecting  for  a  projected 
yachting  trip  on  the  Broads  with  a  couple  of 
chums  in  the  summer.  I  had  been  a  working  unit 
for  ten  years,  and  thirty  pounds  represented  my 
total  efforts  at  saving!  I  had  never  cared  for 
money  for  itself,  but  had  spent  it  freely  in  all  the 
channels  open  for  the  consumption  of  a  young 
man's  means. 

Now  I  suddenly  became  interested  in  money  from 
an  entirely  different  standpoint.  I  even  got  to  the 
length  of  wondering  on  what  sum  a  man  was  justified 
in  marrying,  and  how  far  a  few  pounds  would  go  in 
the  purchase  of  furniture.  Our  house  belonged  to 
the  early  Victorian  era,  and  had  quantities  of  solid 
heavy  mahogany  furniture,  in  which  Jane  took  a 
sober  pride  and  delight.  The  Lacys'  new  abode 
might  with  appropriateness  have  been  christened 
The  White  House.  All  the  decorations  were  white, 
and  they  had  enamelled  some  of  their  mahogany 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  39 

furniture  to  bring  it  up  to  date.  It  gave  a  certain 
light  charm  to  the  interior,  of  course,  but  it  seemed 
to  me  that  dignity  had  been  sacrificed.  I  decided 
that  I  should  like  a  house  something  like  my  father's, 
with  perhaps  the  addition  of  the  individual  touch 
a  woman  of  taste,  such  as  I  felt  Hester  must  be, 
could  impart  to  her  surroundings. 

I  reached  Brussels  safely  on  the  Thursday  eve- 
ning preceding  Good  Friday,  but  did  not  attempt  to 
call  at  La  Grenade  next  day,  partly  because  I  was 
feeling  very  seedy  after  a  particularly  bad  crossing 
to  Ostend,  and  partly  because  I  was  not  sure  how 
Hester  would  take  a  visit  on  the  great  penitential 
festival  of  the  church.  Somehow  I  felt  sure  she  was 
religious,  and  I  wished  her  to  be  so.  A  man,  however 
indifferent  and  irreligious  he  may  profess  himself, 
likes  to  think  that  his  own  special  woman,  the  one 
he  would  enshrine  in  his  home,  has  a  reverent  mind. 
I  should  have  been  disappointed  had  I  found  Hester 
flippant  about  sacred  things,  as  Maud  Lacy  so  often 
was.  Yet  Maud  was  a  regular  churchgoer,  and  much 
addicted  to  early  celebrations  all  the  year  round. 

I  had  selected  my  hotel,  the  Quatre  Saisons,  care- 
fully from  the  advertisement  columns  of  the  A.B.C. 
time-table,  chiefly  on  account  of  the  undeniable 
French  flavor  of  its  name.  I  had  a  fair  knowledge 
of  French,  imparted  by  old  Leblanc  at  the  Grammar 
School,  and  I  had  a  mind  to  air  it.  But  I  found  at 
the  Four  Seasons  merely  a  tribe  of  English-speaking 
waiters,  and  the  house  overflowing  with  my  own 
countrymen  and  women.  Happily,  I  did  riot  meet  a 


40  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

soul  I  knew.  I  stayed  in  bed  till  lunch  time  next 
day,  and  in  the  afternoon,  which  was  mild  and 
showery,  took  a  walk  through  the  city,  and  finally 
retired  toward  the  Royal  Palace  of  Laecken,  having 
ascertained  that  La  Grenade  was  in  close  proximity 
to  it.  I  discovered  it  without  difficulty,  a  large 
white  villa  with  green  shutters,  standing  in  a  pleas- 
ant garden  to  which  well-wrought  iron  gates  gave 
admission.  I  did  not  linger  in  the  vicinity,  however, 
although  I  fervently  prayed  that  I  might  have  some 
luck  next  day,  when  I  should  present  myself  with 
such  boldness  as  I  could  summon  at  the  green  door 
at  the  top  of  the  terrace  steps. 

I  dined  that  night  at  a  small  table  with  two 
London  clerks  who  suggested  a  game  of  billiards. 
They  had  been  disappointed  by  all  the  religious  cere- 
monial in  the  city,  and  were  anxious  for  the  new  day 
to  dawn  which  would  bring  them  some  more  excit- 
ing form  of  enjoyment.  They  would  eagerly  have 
joined  forces  with  me  on  the  morrow,  but  I  told  them 
I  was  fully  engaged,  having  other  friends  in  the  city. 

I  rose  at  nine  on  Saturday  morning,  to  find  the  sun 
gloriously  shining,  and  all  the  gloom  of  the  former 
day  dispersed.  I  made  a  very  careful  toilet,  and  took 
quite  ten  minutes  to  decide  on  my  necktie  and  socks, 
two  items  to  which  the  well-dressed  man  invariably 
pays  close  attention.  I  remember  I  rather  favored 
a  red  one,  but  put  it  aside  merely  because  Maud  Lacy 
had  told  me  once  that  red  was  my  color,  and  that  I 
should  be  known  as  the  knight  of  the  red  tie.  Some 
subtle  instinct  assured  me  that  Hester  would  be 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  41 

unlikely  to  favor  what  Maud  approved,  so  I  chose 
a  tie  of  soft  amethyst,  the  true  Easter  color,  which, 
when  decorated  by  a  neat  single  pearl,  looked  very 
well.  I  took  my  gloves,  my  hat,  and  my  stick, 
and  set  out  on  my  important  mission,  on  the  whole 
pleased  with  my  appearance.  I  walked  all  the  way 
out  to  Laecken,  and  arrived  at  the  villa  gates  at  a 
quarter  to  eleven  o'clock.  I  proposed  to  excuse 
my  early  call  by  inviting  Hester  out  to  dejeuner 
with  me.  It  was  a  lovely  spring  morning,  the  air 
soft  and  balmy,  and  in  the  Laecken  woods  the  birds 
were  making  a  perfect  chorus  of  melody.  A  delicate 
mist  of  green  seemed  to  tinge  the  tree-tops  already, 
though  Easter  had  fallen  early.  But  then  we  had 
had  a  mild  winter,  and  no  frost  to  speak  of  since 
Christmas.  At  La  Grenade  a  big  almond  tree  in 
full  bloom  gave  a  delicious  touch  of  color  to  the  whole 
scheme.  My  heart  was  beating  as  I  pushed  open 
the  gate  and  walked  toward  the  terrace  steps. 
Perhaps  I  should  find  it  difficult  to  explain  or  excuse 
my  visit. 

If  Hester  were  an  ordinary  girl,  she  would  natur- 
ally take  but  one  meaning  out  of  it.  In  the  Lacy 
circle,  which  had  hitherto  bounded  my  social  horizon, 
the  talk  about  unmarried  men  and  girls  was  very 
frank  and  occasionally  vulgar.  To  be  seen  talking  to 
a  girl  even  in  the  street  was  to  lay  oneself  open  to 
inevitable  chaff.  I  am  sure  it  is  a  bad  foundation 
for  the  relation  of  the  sexes ;  it  creates  a  false  feeling 
of  restraint  and  self-consciousness  which  destroys 
both  simplicity  of  manners  and  of  heart.  Also  it 


42  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

is  a  bar  to  that  friendship  which  should  be  the  foun- 
dation of  lasting  affection. 

The  moment  I  saw  Hester  that  morning  my  horri- 
ble feeling  of  self-consciousness  immediately  and 
forever  disappeared.  Perhaps  the  circumstances  of 
the  moment  contributed  to  this  happy  issue.  She 
answered  my  knock  herself,  with  a  blue  duster  tied 
about  her  head  and  a  long  feather  brush  in  her  hand. 
She  stared  blankly  for  a  moment  at  my  apparition, 
standing  hat  in  hand,  then  burst  out  laughing. 

"Mr.  Trent,  of  course!  Do  come  in,  won't  you? 
How  odd  that  you  should  come  to-day!  I  kept  on 
dawdling,  not  in  the  least  anxious  to  begin  the  work 
I  had  planned  out  for  this  morning.  I  seemed  to  be 
expecting  something  to  happen." 

"Everything  is  right  for  me  now  that  I  have 
found  you  at  home,"  I  made  answer,  emboldened 
by  the  delightful  naturalness  of  her  greeting. 

She  opened  the  door  quite  wide  then,  and  bade  me 
enter,  merely  putting  down  her  brush  and  unpinning 
her  skirt,  so  that  it  fell  down  to  her  neat  ankles  and 
workman-like  shoes.  But  she  neither  removed  her 
apron  nor  her  duster  headdress,  nor  yet  seemed  in 
the  least  put  out  at  being  thus  caught.  She  led  me 
into  a  big,  gaunt  schoolroom  with  forms  piled  at  one 
end,  and  long  windows  open  to  the  garden  at  the 
back. 

"When  did  you  come  to  Brussels,  and  is  your 
sister  with  you?"  she  asked  as  she  drew  a  chair  to 
the  long  table  in  the  centre  of  the  room  and  sat 
down,  leaning  her  bare  elbows  on  the  boards.  She 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  43 

made  a  delicious  picture,  I  thought,  the  blue  duster 
giving  a  certain  piquancy  to  her  charming  face. 
All  my  feelings  on  that  incomparable  morning  rush 
back  upon  me  in  a  vivid  and  astonishing  flood. 

"I  arrived  yesterday,  and  my  sister  did  not  come 
with  me.  She  has  plunged  into  a  universal  mael- 
strom, and  I  believe  at  this  moment  may  be  your 
companion  in  the  spring-cleaning  distress.  But 
may  I  ask  whether  in  Brussels  a  charwoman's  duties 
are  incorporated  with  those  of  teacher  of  the  English 
language?" 

She  laughed  merrily,  showing  her  even  white 
teeth.  Her  mouth  was  rather  wide,  as  was  her 
bosom,  two  characteristics  of  all  the  best  and  most 
generous-hearted  women  I  have  known. 

"Oh,  don't  run  away  with  the  idea  that  you  have 
unearthed  a  new  Cinderella!  The  Miss  Crosbys 
left  on  Saturday  for  England.  I'm  turning  out  their 
sitting-room  to-day.  I  always  do  it  myself,  and 
love  it.  They  would  simply  loathe  the  idea  of  any 
vandal  hands  on  their  beloved  possessions." 

"How  long  will  they  stop  away?" 

"For  two  weeks,  probably,  but  I  am  the  sort  of 
person  who  must  get  ahead  of  things  for  my  own 
comfort.  I  happen  to  possess  that  doubtful  blessing, 
an  orderly  mind." 

"I  am  sure  you  have  and  are  everything  that  is 
charming!"  I  blurted  out.  "But  I'm  going  to  ask 
you  to  chuck  the  orderly  mind  to-day,  and  come  out 
with  me." 

She  laughed  again,  as  if  in  sheer  delight. 


44  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

"Chuck  the  orderly  mind — but  think  of  the  chaos 
that  would  ensue!" 

"Never  mind.  Let  us  take  the  risks.  Go  and  get 
your  hat,  and  come  out  in  the  sun." 

"But  why  should  I  do  that  merely  because  you 
ask  me?" 

"Well,  I'm  a  fellow-countryman  in  distress." 

"What  kind  of  distress?" 

"I'm  stranded  in  a  foreign  land." 

"Why  foreign,  when  there  is  no  escape  from 
checked  trousers  and  the  British  accent?" 

"Mine  are  not  checked,"  I  said  with  a  downward 
glance  at  the  garments  in  question.  "But  I  can't 
repudiate  the  accent,  I'm  afraid." 

"Where  are  you  staying?" 

"At  the  Hotel  Four  Seasons." 

"Which,  I'm  sure,  simply  swarms  with  compa- 
triots. The  Four  Seasons  is  properly  accredited  to 
Cook." 

I  affected  to  regard  myself  ruefully. 

"Do  I  look  specially  like  a  cheap  tourist?"  I 
asked  dismally. 

"You  are  absolved  absolutely,"  she  echoed  gaily. 
"And  why  did  you  come  quite  alone  to  Brussels? 
Somebody  spoke  of  you  in  Helston  as  the  man  of 
many  friends.  Why  didn't  you  bring  Ned  Lacy 
along?" 

"He  is  spending  Easter  in  Paris  with  his  fiancee's 
people,"  I  answered  bravely.  "Besides,  I  didn't 
want  him." 

"If  you  have  not  been  in  Brussels  before,  why  not 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  45 

take  a  guide?     It  would  be  quite  worth  your  while." 

"Mademoiselle,  that  is  why  I  am  here.  Won't 
you  take  pity  on  me,  and  come  out?  I  have  had 
nothing  to  eat  worth  speaking  about  since  I  dined 
last  night.  Take  me  somewhere  for  lunch." 

She  rose,  and  putting  up  her  bare  arms,  took  the 
pins  from  the  blue  duster  and  shook  it  out. 

"Yes,  I'll  come.  It's  against  all  rule  and  prece- 
dent, but  I  think  I  want  to  play  and  not  to  work 
to-day.  I  won't  keep  you  waiting  long.  I  have  just 
to  give  Babette  and  Mimi  a  few  instructions,  get 
my  hat  and  coat,  and  off  we  go!"  She  nodded 
brightly  and  flitted  away.  No  chaff,  no  hanging 
back,  just  a  frank,  natural  acceptance  of  what 
promised  to  be  a  pleasant  outing.  I  blessed  the 
inspiration  that  had  brought  me  to  Brussels.  I 
blessed  it  ten  thousand  times  more  before  the  close 
of  that  incomparable  day. 

She  had  been  seven  years  in  Brussels,  and  no  guide 
could  have  been  so  delightfully  equipped  to  show  its 
beauties  and  its  treasures. 

But  no  favored  pupil  ever  cared  less  about  the 
information  so  generously  heaped  upon  him  than  I. 
I  gazed  at  masterpieces  of  art,  and  thought  them 
inferior  to  the  frank,  smiling  woman's  face  at  my 
side.  I  inspected  jewelled  treasures,  and  thought 
them  less  to  be  desired  than  the  lustre  in  her  speak- 
ing eyes.  In  fact,  when  evening  came,  I  was  desper- 
ately in  love. 

In  its  essence  that  feeling  was  so  different  from 
anything  else  I  had  experienced  where  women  were 


46  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

concerned,  something  so  much  higher,  and  deeper, 
and  finer,  that  I  make  no  attempt  to  analyze  or 
describe  it. 

We  parted  lingeringly,  with  the  hope  of  meeting 
on  the  morrow. 

We  went  next  morning  together  to  the  service  in 
the  English  church,  and  afterwards  took  the  long 
tram  ride  to  Terveuren,  where  we  lunched  and  spent 
the  afternoon  in  the  woods.  It  was  again  an  ideal 
spring  day,  and  we  were  as  happy  as  two  children. 
She  told  me  much  about  herself,  her  lonely  orphaned 
life,  and  what  she  called  her  amazing  good  fortune 
in  having  met  such  kind,  enduring  friends  as  she 
possessed  in  the  principals  of  the  school.  I  had  not 
seen  them,  but  was  prepared  to  love  them  for  her 
sake. 

How  purely  these  simple  memories  come  back, 
how  utterly  purged  from  self  I  was  then,  how  much 
better  a  man  than  I  had  been  in  all  my  five-and- 
twenty  years  of  life ! 

I  bow  before  these  memories  as  a  man  prostrates 
himself  before  a  shrine.  Most  men  have  some  such 
shrine,  a  Holy  of  holies  for  their  soul's  salvation. 
The  pity  is  that  some  grossness  of  our  nature  bars 
our  entrance  to  it  at  moments  when  we  need  it  most. 

We  planned  to  go  to  Waterloo  next  day,  and  no 
train  was  good  enough  for  the  occasion.  At  ten 
o'clock  I  arrived  at  La  Grenade  with  a  carriage  and 
pair  to  bear  my  beloved  away.  Of  what  use  was 
money  except  to  buy  her  pleasure  and  my  own? 

We  had  a  most  enchanting  day,  though  I  retain 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  47 

the  haziest  recollection  of  the  respective  strategic 
positions  of  the  combatants. 

Hester,  who  had  the  field  by  heart,  was  at  great 
pains  to  explain  it  all  to  me  again  and  again,  while  I 
questioned  her  idiotically  just  for  the  pleasure  of 
hearing  her  go  over  it  all  once  more.  It  was  inside 
the  broken  wall  of  Hougomont  that  she  finally  aban- 
doned me  as  a  hopeless  case. 

"You  have  no  real  thirst  for  information,  and 
history  does  not  appeal  to  you.  I  am  tired.  Let  us 
give  it  all  up." 

We  did,  and  henceforth  talked  about  ourselves. 

In  the  garden  at  La  Grenade  after  dark  that  night 
I  tried  to  bid  her  good-bye,  and  to  leave  her.  But 
I  could  not.  Out  came  blurtingly  the  irrevocable 
question. 

"I  can't  go  away,"  I  said  simply,  as  a  boy  might 
^  have  done.     "You  must  know  why." 

She  had  no  answer  ready,  and  even  seemed  to  turn 
away  while  I  blundered  on. 

"You  must  know  why  I  came,  and  why  I  can't 
go,"  I  cried  hotly.  "I  love  you.  Will  you  be  my 
wife?" 

"It  is  very  sudden,  isn't  it?"  she  asked  tremu- 
lously. "What  can  we  know  of  one  another?" 

"All  that  is  necessary,"  I  answered  with  all  a 
lover's  boldness.  "Love  takes  no  account  of  time 
or  distance.  And  we  have  been  together  for  thirty- 
six  hours." 

"To  prepare  us  for  a  lifetime!"  she  answered. 
' '  Will  you  give  me  till  to-morrow  to  think  ? ' ' 


48  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

"But  I  can't,"  I  groaned,  "for  I  have  to  leave 
at  eight-fifty  to-morrow  morning." 

"Wait  another  day,  or  let  me  write,  or  perhaps 
you  could  come  again  at  Whitsun.  We  should  both 
know  our  own  minds  better  by  then." 

"I  know  mine  for  all  time,"  I  assured  her  fever- 
ishly. "And  six  weeks  is  eternity." 

I  laid  my  hand  on  her  arm,  and  felt  it  tremble  at 
my  touch.  And  the  next  moment  she  was  in  my 
arms,  and  I  felt  her  heart  beat  on  mine. 

She  was  mine  from  that  moment,  and  the  little 
fluttering  sigh  with  which  she  sought  to  release 
herself  was  hardly  a  protest. 

She  was  overcome  by  the  sweetness  of  the  moment, 
as  I  was,  and  we  were  happy  beyond  all  power  of 
written  words  to  express. 

I  did  not  go  by  the  eight-fifty  next  day.  I  wired 
to  Helston  saying  I  was  unavoidably  detained  and 
would  travel  by  the  night  mail.  We  had  another 
long  day  at  Terveuren,  and  we  talked  of  all  the 
coming  glory  as  children  might  have  done,  without 
hesitation  or  fear.  To  me  my  boyhood  and  all  that 
was  best  in  it  had  come  back.  The  mantle  of  the 
past  six  years,  smirched  with  some  of  the  grossness 
of  young  manhood,  slipped  from  me  like  a  garment 
for  which  I  had  no  further  use.  I  became  pure  and 
clean  as  a  little  child,  meet  for  the  heaven  of  her 
eyes. 

The  transparency  of  her  soul  was  wonderful.  She 
was  one  of  those  who  are  literally  born  pure  in  heart. 
And  that  quality  never  left  her  in  all  the  years  we 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  49 

spent  together;  it  set  her  apart  from  among  all  the 
men  and  women  of  our  set.  I  knew  myself  unworthy 
of  the  love  and  trust  of  that  heaven-born  soul,  but 
longed,  as  every  man  longs  in  that  high  hour,  to 
be  worthier. 

We  talked  of  the  future,  and  I  was  all  for  a  speedy 
marriage. 

' '  Our  means  will  be  limited  for  a  few  years.  But 
I  'm  going  to  get  rich  for  your  sake,  darling.  I 
believe,  without  boasting,  that  I  possess  the  money- 
making  quality." 

"Don't  cultivate  it,"  she  cried  hastily.  "I  have 
no  fear  of  poverty.  I  have  always  been  poor.  So 
many  rich  people  I  have  known  have  been  neither 
happy  nor  useful.  Let  us  be  content  to  be  poor." 

"But  my  jewel  must  have  her  proper  setting,"  I 
said  fondly,  as  I  touched  the  soft  velvet  of  her 
cheek.  She  did  not  turn  away  from  me. 

"You  liked  her  quite  well  in  the  plain  setting. 
The  other  might  not  fit,"  she  said  whimsically.  "I 
assure  you  all  my  tastes  are  simple." 

' '  I  should  like  to  see  you  in  a  great  house,  moving" 
graciously,  a  centre  of  light  and  influence." 

' '  Oh,  that  would  terrify  me,  and  I  should  not  be  a 
centre  of  anything.  I  am  really  a  very  shy  and  sim- 
ple creature.  Why,  on  Saturday  when  you  so  sur- 
prised me  I  very  nearly  died." 

"There  was  not  a  sign  of  it,"  I  said  unbelievingly. 
"It  was  I  who  was  trembling  on  the  brink.  Tell 
me  exactly  what  you  felt  when  you  saw  me." 

All  the  foolish  questioning  and  answering,  dear  to 


50  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

the  hearts  of  lovers,  were  ours  that  day,  and  need  not 
be  here  set  down. 

Hester  came  to  see  me  off  next  evening  at  the 
station,  and  the  tears  rose  in  her  kind  eyes  at  the 
moment  of  farewell. 

"To  think  that  just  four  days  ago  I  was  a  lone 
woman  in  Brussels  and  in  the  whole  world,  and  now 
there  is  you!  It  is  the  most  wonderful  thing  that 
has  ever  happened." 

"It  is,  and  most  wonderful  of  all,  it  is  never  going 
to  end!"  I  answered  boldly. 

A  little  wistfulness  seemed  for  a  moment  to  dim 
the  glory  of  her  face. 

"Is  it,  never?  And  when  will  you  tell  Jane?  I 
am  sure  I  want  Jane  to  know  quickly.  I  think  it 
will  please  her." 

"I  must  have  you  all  to  myself  for  a  few  days.  It 
is  all  too  precious  even  to  tell  Jane  yet." 

"I  have  nobody  to  tell  until  the  dear  Miss  Crosbys 
come  back." 

I  felt  an  immediate  jealousy  of  these  inoffensive 
women,  but  I  dared  not  voice  it.  A  man's  outlook 
differs  so  materially,  and  he  finds  it  difficult  to  grasp 
the  fact  that  he  may  reign  supreme  in  a  woman's 
heart,  and  that  yet  she  may  have  room  for  other 
affections. 

This  petty  jealousy  is  at  the  bottom  of  much  of 
domestic  dispeace,  popularly  supposed  to  be 
caused  by  "in-laws."  I,  in  the  first  stages  of 
selfish  possession,  could  brook  no  rival,  even  the 
most  inoffensive.  Hester,  smiling  bravely  into  my 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  51 

face,  had  no  comprehension  of  my  limited  outlook. 

The  spring  breeze  was  tossing  her  soft  hair,  which 
escaped  under  the  brim  of  her  shady  hat ;  there  was  a 
little  flush  of  eager  happiness  on  her  face.  She  had 
been  very  aloof  at  Terveuren  yesterday,  but  now  she 
clung  to  me  as  if  afraid  lest  I  should  leave  forever. 

"It  is  all  real,  is  n't  it,  Gilbert?" 

"As  real  as  I  can  make  it,  darling,  till  I  have  you 
to  myself,"  I  answered  with  all  the  passion  of  my 
soul. 

"And  I  shan't  wake  up  to-morrow  to  find  I  have 
dreamed  it?" 

"The  beastly  Channel  will  be  between  us,  that  is 
all." 

"And  I  won't  get  a  letter  the  day  after  to-morrow 
saying  it  was  all  a  misunderstanding,  and  that  you 
have  changed  your  mind?" 

"Good  Heavens,  Hester,  do  you  think  so  meanly 
of  me  as  that?" 

A  little  sob  came  in  her  voice  as  she  made  answer. 

"I  am  a  little  afraid,  because  you  have  known  me 
such  a  little  while,  and  I  have  heard  that  men  do 
not  prize  what  they  easily  win.  Oh,  the  train  is 
going!  Good-bye,  good-bye !" 

I  spent  the  night  pacing  the  deck  of  the  Channel 
boat,  pondering  on  the  mighty  thing  that  had  be- 
fallen me  and  her. 

In  how  short  a  space  of  mind  had  my  outlook,  nay, 
my  whole  being  changed ! 

I  was  lifted  up  to  heights  I  had  never  dreamed  of; 
I  was  no  longer  a  mere  bank  cashier,  but  a  potential 


52  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

being  about  to  wrest  terrific  bonuses  from  fate.  No 
achievement  was  going  to  be  impossible  for  the 
sake  of  her  who  had  dropped  from  Heaven  into  my 
life. 

I  saw  myself  in  the  near  future  scaling  giddy 
heights,  becoming  Bank  Manager,  Director,  handler 
of  huge  financial  schemes,  all  that  my  dear  mate 
might  have  that  to  which  she  was  entitled. 

At  the  back  of  it  all  was  the  secret  and  holy  desire 
to  be  worthier  of  her. 

I  was  only  young,  but  all  the  lighter  passages  of 
my  life  I  would  have  blotted  out  for  her  sake. 
Away  the  light  views  of  womanhood,  the  silly  cackle 
of  the  sexes,  the  empty  flirtations  which  desecrated 
the  shrine  of  love.  Under  the  clear  night  skies  I 
consecrated  my  manhood  anew  and  wholly  to  the 
woman  I  had  won. 

Whence  comes  the  incredible  weakness  which 
renders  such  vows,  so  purely  taken,  so  difficult  to 
keep? 


CHAPTER  IV 

I  arrived  at  Helston  at  ten  o'clock  next  morning, 
and  walked  straight  into  my  father's  room  at  the 
bank  to  apologize. 

He  regarded  me  keenly  as  I  entered,  his  bushy 
gray  brows  elevated  with  a  slightly  cynical  air. 

"Found  the  delights  of  a  foreign  capital  too  allur- 
ing, boy?"  he  said,  good-naturedly  enough.  "No, 
I  don't  mind  your  having  another  day,  only  it  is 
more  convenient  if  these  little  matters  are  arranged 
beforehand.  The  precedent  is  bad  for  the  other 
boys.  You  look  fit  enough.  Have  you  had  a 
good  time?" 

"I  have,  but  not  the  kind  of  time  you  are  think- 
ing of,"  I  felt  obliged  to  answer. 

He  merely  nodded  and  dismissed  me.  In  our 
business  relations  inside  the  bank  my  father  never 
showed  me  the  smallest  favor.  Sometimes  I  thought 
him  needlessly  punctilious  on  that  score,  but  in 
matters  relating  to  his  business  he  never  made  any 
mistakes.  He  had  the  most  perfectly  balanced 
business  mind  I  have  ever  encountered  in  my  life. 

But  just  then  something  jarred,  and  I  went  out 
with  a  distinct  feeling  of  aversion,  partly  mental 
and  partly  physical,  toward  my  father. 

53 


54  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

I  had  been  breathing  a  rarer,  purer  air,  and  the 
man-of-the-world  cynicism  which  took  certain 
things  for  granted  in  a  young  man's  life  repelled  me 
at  the  moment;  I  entered  the  house  door  which 
opened  from  the  bank  passage,  and  ran  upstairs 
to  deposit  my  portmanteau.  I  felt  disappointed 
to  learn  that  Jane  had  already  gone  out  on  her 
morning's  shopping.  As  I  came  down,  however, 
ready  to  address  myself  to  the  somewhat  monotonous 
duties  of  my  desk,  I  met  her  between  the  doors. 

"Oh,  there  you  are,  Gilbert!"  she  said,  with  her 
quiet,  pleasant  smile.  "I'm  glad  you've  come  back. 
Had  a  good  time  ?" 

"The  best  I've  ever  had." 

"You  look  tired,  I  think,  but  these  night  journeys 
take  it  out  of  one.  Well,  I  mustn't  keep  you  now. 
See  you  at  lunch  time." 

She  nodded,  and  we  separated.  I  to  the  some- 
what irksome  routine  which,  however,  did  not  alto- 
gether forbid  dreaming  of  pleasanter  things. 

I  fear  that  I  put  in  an  indifferent  morning's  work. 

At  lunch  they  asked  me  a  good  many  questions 
about  Brussels,  and  I  was  able  to  give  a  most  satis- 
factory account  of  myself. 

"You  seem  to  have  walked  a  la  guide  book, 
Gibbie,"  said  Jane,  with  a  gentle  touch  of  banter. 
"I  suppose  you  fell  in  with  some  one  who  knew 
all  about  the  sights  and  the  best  way  of  getting 
about." 

"Yes,  I  did.  I  was  fortunate  in  having  the  best 
guide  the  city  possesses." 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  55 

"Did  you  think  of  calling  on  Miss  Lawrence?  I 
suppose  not,  as  your  time  was  so  short." 

The  foolish  color  dyed  my  face,  and  I  was  con- 
scious at  the  moment  of  both  feeling  and  looking 
ridiculous.  I  caught  an  amused  and  rather  sur- 
prised twinkle  in  my  father's  eye. 

"Of  course  he's  seen  the  lady,  though  I  don't 
happen  to  know  her  name,  Jane,"  he  said  with  a 
chuckle.  "Don't  rub  it  in.  Without  doubt  she's 
the  raison  d'etre." 

Jane  came  to  my  rescue  immediately,  with  the 
quick  perception  and  real  kindly  feeling  we  never 
failed  to  find  in  her. 

"Never  mind  him,  Gib.  You  know  father  will 
have  his  little  joke.  The  Miss  Crosbys  are  at  Hill 
Rise.  They  are  quite  charming  women,  so  truly 
gentle  and  refined.  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Lacy  are  at 
Margate,  and  Maud  is  entertaining  them  alone." 

"Are  they  still  there?"  I  inquired,  with  an  inter- 
est which  must  have  appeared  desperate. 

"No;  they  left  yesterday  morning  for  the  sea.  I 
believe  that  they  were  are  to  spend  two  weeks  at 
Bournemouth  and  one  in  London.  They  may  come 
down  to  Helston  for  the  last  week-end  to  take  Florrie 
and  the  Babe  away." 

My  father  never  took  more  than  a  bite  of  bread 
and  cheese  and  a  glass  of  milk  for  his  lunch,  and 
presently  he  left  us  and  retired  to  his  den  for  a  smoke. 

Jane  leaned  her  elbows  on  the  table  and  looked 
across  at  me  interestedly. 

"I  am  so  pleased  you  made  time  to  call  on  Miss 


56  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

Lawrence.  I  am  sure  she  would  be  glad  to  see  you. 
Is  it  a  nice  school,  and  is  she  really  happy  there?" 

"She's  perfectly  happy.  I  spent  every  available 
moment  with  her,  so  I  had  ample  means  of  judging." 

Jane  looked  as  if  she  did  not  know  whether  to 
smile  or  look  grave. 

"I  suppose  she  was  your  guide,  then?" 

I  nodded.  I  could  see  what  was  in  her  mind,  that 
she  would  have  liked  some  further  explanation,  but 
I  could  not  part  with  my  secret ;  yet  I  tried,  through 
rather  lamely,  to  throw  a  little  dust  in  her  eyes. 

"Brussels  was  simply  overrun  with  the  worst  type 
of  English  tourist;  my  hotel  was  swarming  with 
them.  I  was  glad  to  get  out  with  some  one  who 
knew  the  city  by  heart,  and  could  keep  me  out  of 
their  track.  We  must  go  there  together,  Jane, 
perhaps  at  Whitsuntide." 

"I  should  like  that.  I  should  enjoy  it  very  much. 
I  shall  keep  you  to  it,  Gibbie.  I  was  asked  to  Hill 
Rise  to  tea  last  Sunday,  to  meet  the  Miss  Crosbys. 
Maud  was  at  home  alone  with  them." 

"Indeed!" 

I  am  afraid  I  spoke  in  a  lack-lustre  tone.  At  that 
moment  I  felt  myself  so  detached  from  the  whole 
Lacy  crowd  that  I  did  not  want  either  to  see  or  to 
hear  about  them.  Yet  I  knew  that  it  would  be 
impossible  even  if  it  were  desirable  to  cut  myself 
off  from  them.  They  would  not  let  me.  I  had  been 
too  long  a  part  of  their  scheme  of  things. 

A  little  later  in  the  day,  as  I  was  returning  after 
office  hours  from  the  dispatch  of  an  important 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  57 

business  telegram  at  the  General  Post  Office,  I 
met  Maud,  very  becomingly  dressed,  on  her  way 
to  pay  what  she  called  a  smart  call.  It  was  a  very 
sunny  afternoon,  unusually  warm  for  the  season, 
and  she  carried  a  lilac  sunshade,  which  harmonized 
with  the  brighter  hue  of  her  spring  costume. 

I  raised  my  hat  and  would  have  passed  on,  for  in 
my  strange  new  mood  I  felt  an  odd  shrinking  from 
her;  but  she  immediately  began  to  cross  the  road 
in  a  slanting  direction.  Seeing  this,  I  hastened  to 
meet  her. 

"You  were  going  to  pass  poor  me!"  she  said, 
with  her  most  coquettish  air.  ' '  Now  whatever  have 
I  done  to  offend  your  highness?" 

I  hastily  explained  that  she  had  done  nothing,  but 
that  I  was  still  in  business  hours.  Observing 
incredulity  in  her  eyes,  I  hastily  inquired  how  she 
was,  and  whether  she  had  been  away  from  Helston 
for  Easter. 

"That  shows  how  your  interest  in  the  Lacys  is 
waning,"  she  observed  coolly.  "Time  was  when 
nothing  about  them  was  too  trivial  to  engage  your 
attention.  I  have  been  at  home,  dutifully  running 
the  show  while  my  stern  parents  are  enjoying  their 
little  selves  at  Margate.  Now,  where  have  you 
been?" 

"Why,  of  course  you  must  know  I  went  to  Brus- 
sels?" " 

"Jane  told  us  that  much  on  Sunday,  when  she 
honored  us,  or  rather  the  Miss  Crosbys,  at  Hill 
Rise;  but  why  Brussels?" 


58  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

Her  cool,  critical  eyes  never  for  a  moment  left  my 
face,  and  it  was  not  in  the  power  or  nature  of  man 
to  preserve  perfect  composure  under  the  fire  of  her 
questioning. 

"Why  anywhere,  for  the  matter  of  that?*'  I  asked 
lamely.  "Is  Ned  home  yet ? ' ' 

"Ned  is  not  home,  nor  father  or  mother.  I  am 
all  alone  in  my  glory,  looking  after  the  house  and 
incidentally  the  honor  of  the  family.  I  '11  expect 
you  to-night  as  usual.  Then  we  can  have  a  pow-wow 
about  things  in  general  and  Brussels  in  particular. 
I  must  be  off  to  pay  my  call,  and  then  I  '11  try  to 
catch  old  Sally  Martin  at  tea,  or  I  shall  have  to 
toil  all  up  that  hill  again  before  I  get  any." 

"You  can  come  to  us — come  now,"  I  said,  grasp- 
ing at  anything  which  would  distract  Maud,  and 
give  me  time  to  consider  what  I  was  to  do  that 
evening. 

Not  so  many  weeks  ago  a  tete-a-tete  evening  with 
Maud  Lacy  would  have  been  looked  upon  by  me 
with  composure,  even  with  a  kind  of  anticipation. 
She  could  be  very  fascinating  when  she  liked,  with 
an  admixture  of  bonhomie  and  feminine  charm  which 
had  before  now  half  turned  my  head. 

Although  according  to  her  own  candid  statement 
there  had  never  been  any  serious  matrimonial 
intent  in  her  mind  where  I  was  concerned,  I  was  a 
man  and  in  a  sense  a  lover.  She  liked  to  play 
occasionally  on  that  string  even  yet,  and  up  till  now 
I  had  responded  always  with  the  feeling  that  with 
Maud  flirtation  was  perfectly  safe,  because  we  had 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  59 

the  understanding  that  there  could  be  nothing 
serious. 

But  I  was  now  placed  in  a  different  situation  alto- 
gether. My  absolute  loyalty  belonged  to  the  woman 
I  loved,  and  was  going  to  marry.  I  must  readjust 
my  relations  with  Maud,  shear  them  of  every  lover- 
like  quality;  either  we  must  become  everyday, 
ordinary  acquaintances,  or  have  a  quarrel  over  it. 

The  last  idea  was  hateful  to  me,  though  I  know 
now  that  to  have  spoken  out  plainly  at  that  very 
moment  would  have  been  not  only  the  right  and 
manly  thing  to  do,  but  the  most  politic  for  all  our 
sakes. 

"Come  up  after  supper,  or  perhaps  you  would 
walk  out  along  the  Crailing  Road  to  meet  me,  Gibbie. 
If  you  'd  do  that  I  '11  leave  at  a  fixed  time." 

I  hastily  said  I  had  some  letters  to  write,  that 
I  would  have  to  stop  at  the  bank  to  make  up  for 
having  filched  an  extra  day. 

She  did  not  seem  to  doubt  this  excuse,  and  merely 
answered,  "Very  well,  I'll  expect  you  at  the  Rise 
about  nine." 

She  nodded  brightly  and  passed  on,  apparently 
suspecting  nothing  and  as  friendly  as  ever.  But  she 
left  me  in  a  serious  quandary. 

I  knew  perfectly  well  that  a  tete-a-tete  evening  with 
Maud  Lacy  involved  a  certain  degree  of  intimate 
talk,  sometimes  bordering  on  the  lover-like,  some 
sentiment,  and  a  kiss  or  more  at  parting.  We  had 
never  quite  given  up  all  this,  and  though  Maud 
had  always  declared  that  she  had  other  matrimonial 


60  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

views,  one  never  knows  what  is  at  the  back  of  a 
woman's  subtle  mind. 

I  knew  that  she  liked  me;  she  had  given  me  endless 
proofs  of  it,  and  hitherto  it  had  pleased  me  that  it 
was  so,  but  now  my  soul  revolted  against  her  pretty 
coquettish  air  of  proprietorship,  her  cool  assumption 
that  a  tete-a-tete  with  her  was  a  chance  not  to  be 
missed.  What  was  I  to  do?  I  grew  hot  and  cold 
in  one  breath.  I  knew  that  I  ought  not  to  go,  since 
all  my  tender  words,  my  kisses,  my  loyalty  of  soul 
and  body  belonged  now  by  right  to  Hester. 

I  returned  to  the  office  with  but  a  sorry  attention 
to  give  to  the  waiting  duty.  Fortunately  it  was  not 
one  to  make  any  severe  demand  on  the  mental 
powers ;  its  routine  insensibly  soothed  me,  and  when 
I  went  upstairs  to  tea  I  felt  much  better.  I  found 
Jane  alone.  It  was  my  father's  invariable  custom 
to  walk  down  to  the  club  immediately  office  hours 
were  over.  I  don't  suppose  he  took  tea  there,  but 
some  refreshment  more  suited  to  his  tastes.  Jane 
and  I  nearly  always  had  tea  together  alone,  and  it 
was  then  we  had  most  of  our  more  intimate  talk. 

As  I  saw  her  kind  face  at  the  head  of  the  table 
(already  she  was  busy  with  her  own  tea,  with  a  book 
propped  up  against  the  hot-water  jug)  I  felt  a  sudden 
rush  of  gratitude  and  appreciation  toward  her.  She 
was  a  delightful  creature  in  a  house,  quiet,  sensible, 
never  curious,  content,  or  apparently  so,  to  take 
things  as  they  came,  the  sort  of  woman  who  never 
sought  or  expected  explanations,  or  vexed  herself 
with  any  of  the  problems,  imaginary  or  otherwise, 


6i 

which  torment  the  souls  of  women  all  the  world 
over  and  make  their  lives  hideous. 

To  accept  is  no  bad  axiom  for  a  woman  to  start 
her  adult  life  with,  and  yet  is  there  in  the  whole 
gamut  of  experience  one  more  difficult  to  adopt  ?  I 
doubt  it. 

Jane  smiled  in  her  usual  friendly  fashion  at  me, 
and  I  drew  my  chair  up  nearer  to  her.  At  the  same 
time  I  happened  to  notice  the  book  she  had  laid 
down,  and  found  it  to  be  French — not  a  novel,  but  a 
volume  dealing  with  literature  and  life. 

"Can  you  read  this,  Jane?"  I  asked. 

She  blushed  a  little. 

"Oh,  yes,  quite  easily.  You  forget  that  last  year 
I  took  a  reading  course  in  French  from  M.  Leblanc. 
He  is  a  splendid  teacher.  I  hardly  ever  have  to  use  a 
dictionary  now,  but  then,  of  course,  the  best  prose  in 
every  language  is  always  simple." 

It  was  an  unusual  remark  from  Jane's  lips,  and 
gave  me  an  insight  into  her  mind  which  surprised  me. 

"You're  a  rum  card,  Jane,"  I  said  quizzically. 
"Fancy  your  wedging  French  literature  in  between 
the  baking  and  brewing." 

"As,  strictly  speaking,  I  neither  bake  nor  brew,  it 
would  not  be  to  my  credit  unless  I  filled  up  the  gaps 
with  something  useful.  Have  you  had  a  good  day 
at  the  bank,  or  has  it  all  seemed  flat,  stale,  and  un- 
profitable ? 

"Pretty  well,"  I  said  vaguely.  "Give  me  strong 
tea,  Jane,  without  milk  or  sugar.  I've  got  something 
to  tell  you." 


62  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

"Yes?" 

Her  bright  glance  did  not  waver,  but  there  was  a 
little  tremor  of  expectancy  in  her  pleasant  voice. 

She  handed  me  the  tea.  I  took  a  big  gulp,  then 
sat  back  in  my  chair  and  began  to  drum  nervously 
with  my  fingers  on  the  table.  From  where  I  sat 
I  could  see  the  reflection  of  my  face  in  the  mirror 
above  the  sideboard,  and  observed  that  it  was 
ridiculously  red.  I  felt  as  nervous  and  shy  as  any 
schoolboy. 

"Shall  I  help  you  out,  Gibbie?"  she  asked,  in  the 
tone  she  might  have  adopted  toward  a  quite  small 
and  rather  naughty  brother  on  the  point  of  confes- 
sion. "You  want  to  tell  me  about  Miss  Lawrence." 

"Yes,  I  do.     How  did  you  manage  to  guess?" 

She  laughed  softly. 

"Guess!  there  was  no  guessing  about  it.  It  was 
all  as  clear  to  me  as  the  heavens  at  noonday.  I  felt 
rather  anxious  all  the  time  you  were  away,  dear,  and 
even  prayed  that  all  would  go  well." 

"You  prayed  about  that?"  I  said  rather  stupidly, 
thinking  how  intricate  and  unfathomable  was  the 
heart  of  woman.  "But  why?" 

"Well,  because  I  wanted  you  to  win.  Did  you 
find  her  kind?" 

"I  did,"  I  said,  as  I  rose  to  my  feet.  "She's 
mine,  Jane,  and  I'm  at  once  the  happiest  and  most 
anxious  man  in  the  world." 

She  rose  quite  suddenly,  too,  and  kissed  me,  and 
the  tears  stood  in  her  eyes. 

"Dear  Gilbert,  I've  never  heard  anything  in  my 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  63 

life  to  make  me  so  happy.     I  am  glad,  oh,  I  am  glad ! ' ' 

I  kissed  her  back,  then  we  sat  down  again  and 
tried  to  recover  ourselves  and  to  talk  things  over 
rationally. 

"I  want  to  know  why  you  are  so  glad  about  it, 
and  why  you  should  have  had  any  anxiety,"  I  asked. 
For  all  of  a  sudden  Jane's  opinion  and  outlook  had 
become  of  interest  to  me  in  a  way  they  had  never 
interested  me  before. 

"Shall  I  tell  you,  Gilbert,  I  wonder?" 

"Why,  of  course.     I'm  asking,  am  I  not?" 

"Oh,  yes,  but  we  ask  heaps  of  things  in  this  life 
and  never  find  any  answer,  at  least  not  till  long  after, 
and  then  it  doesn't  matter,  or  at  least  not  so  much. 
Well,  it  was  time  you  met  Hester — quite  time." 

"Why?"  I  repeated,  and  never  in  my  life  had  I 
waited  with  more  anxiety  for  my  sister's  words. 

"Do  you  really  wish  to  know,  Gibbie?"  she  asked, 
and  her  eyes  as  they  met  mine  had  something  in 
them,  a  kind  of  mothering  look  which  I  had  never 
seen  before. 

"Yes,  of  course." 

"Well,  you  are  twenty-eight  years  old,  and  it  was 
time  you  became  a  man." 

"So  that  is  how  you  regard  me,  my  dear.  Pray 
how  old  are  you?" 

"That  has  nothing  to  do  with  it.  We  look  to  men 
to  do  the  real  work  of  the  world,  to  carry  on  every- 
thing. When  they  disappoint  us —  But  you  are 
not  going  to  disappoint  us  now." 

"And  you  think  this  will,  in  fact,  steady  me, 


64  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

Jane?     That  is  what  you're  driving  at,  I  think?" 

"It  will  give  you  something  to  live  and  to  work 
for.  A  good  many  years  have  been  frittered  away." 

She  eyed  me  a  little  anxiously,  as  if  not  sure  how 
her  words  would  be  received. 

"Remember,  you  laid  yourself  out  for  this,  Gilbert. 
It  is  risky  asking  for  a  candid  opinion  from  a  truthful 
person,  but  honestly  I'm  very  glad,  dear,  and  I'm 
sure  I  shall  love  Hester  very  much." 

I  finished  my  tea  in  silence,  not  in  the  least  angry 
or  chagrined,  only  filled  with  an  immense  surprise. 

How  quietly  had  the  woman  of  our  house,  the 
unobserved  and  unobtrusive,  been  weighing  us  all 
up.  There  was  something  uncanny  about  it.  All 
at  once  my  sister  became  a  personality  in  my  esti- 
mation, something  to  be  reckoned  with,  an  opinion 
worth  considering. 

"Shall  you  be  engaged  long?"  she  asked  pres- 
ently. "You,  an  engaged  man!  How  surprised 
all  the  Helston  folks  will  be!  You  have  been  a  sort 
of  universal  lover  so  long." 

"Oh,  come,  Jane,  give  us  half  a  chance,"  I  mut- 
tered, half  laughing,  half  vexed.  But  she  refused 
to  take  back  her  words. 

' '  I  absolve  you  from  everything  now  that  you  are 
not  going  to  marry  Maud  Lacy.  I  have  been  so 
afraid  of  that  any  time  in  the  last  five  years." 

"I  did  propose  to  her  once  in  a  kind  of  a  way,"  I 
confessed.  ' '  But  she  refused  me.  She  told  me  then 
quite  frankly  that  when  she  married  it  would  be  a 
rich  man,  who  would  take  her  clean  out  of  Helston. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  65 

"I  wish  that  he  would  come  along,  then,  before 
those  children  come  home  from  Brussels,"  she  said, 
with  a  good  deal  of  fervor. 

"You  think  her  influence  is  not  good  for  them?" 

"Well,  frankly,  I  don't.  They  are  dear  children, 
and  very  easily  impressed.  I  wonder  what  Maud 
will  say  when  she  hears  of  your  engagement.  How 
soon  will  you  tell  her?" 

I  pondered  half  a  moment. 

"Well,  I  believe  that  I  ought  to  tell  her  at  once." 

"I'm  glad  to  hear  that,  Gibbie,  for  it  is  what 
I  think,  too.  She  had  a  great  many  questions  to  ask 
on  Sunday  when  I  mentioned  where  you  had  gone 
for  your  Easter  holiday,  and  I  am  sure  she  suspects 
something.  It  will  not  be  necessary  to  say  much." 

"I  don't  intend  to.  I  half  promised  to  go  up  to 
Hill  Rise  this  evening." 

"She's  alone  there,  Gibbie,"  said  Jane,  and  her 
tone  was  significant. 

"I've  seen  her  alone  a  good  many  times,  my  dear," 
I  answered  rather  loftily.  ' '  I  rather  think  I  shall 
be  able  to  keep  my  head." 

"I  don't  doubt  it,  but  I  can't  help  thinking  that 
you  should  leave  your  announcement  until  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Lacy  come  back.  Tell  it  to  them  as  a  family. 
It  will  be  both  easier  and  better.  They  return 
to-morrow." 

My  inner  consciousness  assured  me  that  this  was 
excellent  advice  and  I  fully  intended  to  take  it.  But 
somehow,  after  all  the  excitement  of  the  past  days, 
the  evening  began  to  pall.  I  had  so  accustomed 


66  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

myself  to  spending  my  evenings  out  of  my  father's 
house  that  at  certain  hours  I  felt  myself  almost  a 
stranger  in  it.  I  had  written  my  letter  to  Hester  at 
odd  times  during  the  day,  and  soon  after  supper  I  left 
the  house  ostensibly  for  the  purpose  of  posting  it. 
It  was  a  very  fine  night,  and  as  I  had  been  indoors 
most  of  the  day  I  felt  inclined  for  a  walk.  The  Hill 
was  the  best  walk  in  the  town.  Up  there  one  got 
a  whiff  of  purer  and  more  bracing  air. 

Needless  to  say,  my  walk  ended  at  the  white  gate 
of  Hill  Rise. 

Old  habits  are  difficult  to  break,  and  I  had  got  to 
feel  at  home  under  the  Lacys'  roof.  The  servants 
knew  me  so  well  that  they  were  never  on  ceremony 
with  me,  and  did  not  even  trouble  to  announce  me. 

"Has  Miss  Maud  come  back  from  Crailing, 
Alice?"  I  asked  the  housemaid. 

"Oh,  she  didn't  go,  sir.  She's  in  the  little  sitting 
room  upstairs,  and  expecting  you,  I  think.  You 
were  to  go  right  up." 

She  did  not  smile  as  she  said  the  words,  nor  had 
they  anything  significant  about  them.  I  nodded 
and  made  my  way  up  the  white  staircase,  with  its 
bright,  warm,  crimson  carpet  and  heavy  brass  rods, 
which  were  Maud's  taste.  I  think  I  mentioned 
before  that  she  had  a  predilection  for  vivid  colors. 

I  knocked  lightly  at  the  little  sitting  room  door, 
and  then  walked  in  as  a  privileged  visitor  might. 
It  was  just  nine,  and  the  quick  darkness  had  fallen. 
The  room  was  lighted  by  a  standard  lamp  with  an 
amber-colored  shade,  and  it  was  standing  at  the 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  67 

back  of  the  couch,  on  which  Maud  was  half  reclining 
with  a  book.  She  had  on  a  sort  of  yellow  rest-gown, 
rather  loose  and  certainly  becoming.  She  nodded 
brightly  to  me  across  the  narrow  space. 

"So  you  have  managed  to  come.  I  thought 
perhaps  you  were  too  tired,  and  had  gone  to  bed.  I 
didn't  go  to  Crailing  after  all.  An  hour  of  Miss  Sally 
Martin  just  about  finished  me.  The  two  curates 
from  St.  Luke's  were  there.  Where  will  you  sit, 
Gibbie?  You'll  find  cigarettes  in  the  cedar- wood 
box,  and  please  may  I  have  one  without  shocking 
you?" 

I  handed  her  the  box,  and  when  she  had  helped 
herself,  drew  in  a  chair,  taking  care  to  place  a  little 
table  between  us.  I  knew  Maud  Lacy's  moods 
pretty  well  by  this  time,  and  I  made  a  fairly  good 
guess  at  her  present  one.  Before  I  had  been  five 
minutes  in  the  room,  I  regretted  that  I  had  not  taken 
Jane's  advice. 

"I'm  so  glad  to  have  this  little  pow-wow  to-night, 
old  boy,  all  on  our  'ownyo,'  "  she  said  presently  as 
she  puffed  the  smoke  from  her  red  lips,  and  then 
held  her  cigarette  aloft  a  little,  so  that  the  lace  fell 
away  from  her  rather  pretty  arm.  ' '  You'll  be  rather 
surprised  to  hear  that  I  felt  most  awfully  down  on 
my  luck  when  I  heard  you  had  gone  to  Brussels." 

"But  why?  You've  never  felt  like  that  when 
I  've  taken  other  holidays." 

' '  No,  because  I  always  knew  pretty  well  where  you 
were,  and  what  you  were  doing.  What  did  take  you 
to  Brussels,  Gibbie?" 


68  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

Here  was  a  poser.  I  put  down  the  cigarette  I  had 
already  lit,  and,  taking  out  my  little  paper-case, 
began  to  roll  one  for  myself.  It  served  as  an 
occupation  for  my  hands,  and  I  had  to  keep  my  eyes 
on  the  operation,  too. 

"Well,  I'd  never  been,  you  know,"  I  said  lamely. 

"Tell  that  to  the  marines.  Look  me  in  the  face, 
Gilbert  Trent." 

I  was  obliged  to  raise  my  head  at  that,  and  her 
eyes  met  mine  in  a  very  searching  stare. 

"I  believe  you  went  to  Brussels  to  see  that 
governess  person.  Did  you,  now?" 

"What  makes  you  ask  such  a  question?"  I 
inquired,  a  little  nettled  by  her  sharp  catechism. 

"Well,  quite  suddenly  you  disappear  without 
saying  anything  to  a  living  soul.  You'll  admit  it 
wasn't  like  you.  You  could  have  knocked  me  down 
with  a  feather  when  I  heard  from  the  bank  porter 
that  you  had  gone  to  Brussels." 

"And  how  the  devil  did  he  know?  He  must 
have  been  poking  his  nose  where  it  wasn't  wanted." 

Maud  put  down  her  cigarette  and  leaned  forward 
half  across  the  table. 

"You  can't  look  me  in  the  face,  Gib,  and  say  you 
didn't  see  that  woman." 

"No,  I  can't,"  I  answered  steadily,  "for  I  did  see 
her." 

"And  you  can't  deny  that  you  went  to  Brussels  for 
that  purpose,  and  no  other." 

"No,  I  can't  deny  it,"  I  answered  calmly.  "I 
admit  that  it  was  so." 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  69 

"Well,  and  now  may  I  ask  how  little,  or  how 
much,  it  all  means?" 

I  did  not  like  her  voice.  It  had  lost  its  half- 
caressing,  half-bantering  note,  and  become  like  the 
edge  of  a  saw.  It  helped  to  steady  me,  for  I  was 
under  no  sort  of  obligation  or  bond  to  Maud  Lacy, 
though  we  had  done  a  good  bit  of  philandering.  I 
had  once  asked  her  to  marry  me,  and  she  had  refused. 
I  was,  therefore,  honorably  absolved  from  further 
responsibility.  It  had  not  occurred  to  me  that  at 
the  back  of  her  heart  she  might  care,  or  that  she 
wanted  to  keep  me  as  a  string  to  her  bow  lest  all 
others  should  fail.  I  don't  think  I  was  ever  a  vain 
man,  at  least  I  had  never  laid  any  flattering  unction 
to  my  soul  concerning  Maud,  in  the  last  three  years. 

"I  suppose  I  had  better  tell  you,"  I  said,  and 
instinctively  rose  to  my  feet.  "I'm  engaged  to 
Hester  Lawrence." 

She  had  cleverly  forced  my  hand.  Little  more 
than  twenty-four  hours  ago  I  had  parted  with 
Hester,  determined  to  keep  our  sweet  secret  for  a 
time,  and  lo,  it  was  scattered  to  the  four  winds  of 
Heaven ! 

No  confidence  would  be  respected  in  the  Lacy 
household,  I  knew.  Directly  a  private  matter 
became  their  property,  it  went  the  round  of  their 
common  acquaintances,  and  was  discussed  in  all  its 
bearings  by  all  sorts  and  conditions.  I  saw  myself 
and  Hester  under  the  crushing  review,  and  my 
uppermost  feeling  at  the  moment  was  chagrin  at 
the  prospect. 


70  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

But  presently  I  became  aware  of  Maud's  curious 
stillness. 

She  had  turned  her  head  away,  and  when  I  made 
a  movement  to  disturb  her,  and  she  looked  round,  I 
saw  that  she  was  crying. 

I  may  as  well  say  frankly  that  I  could  never  stand 
a  woman's  tears. 

I  had  not  encountered  many  in  my  time,  and 
therefore  they  had  then  lost  none  of  their  potency 
to  move  me. 

Besides,  I  knew  that  Maud  was  not  a  crying 
woman.  I  had  never  in  my  recollection  seen  her 
moved  to  tears  before,  and  the  sight  terrified  me. 

The  thought  that  I  had  caused  them  filled  me 
with  a  strange  remorse.  I  never  felt  so  desperate  or 
so  miserable  in  my  life. 

A  strong,  fine  woman,  who  has  always  carried  her 
head  high  and  laughed  with  the  best  of  them, 
suddenly  reduced  to  tears,  is  a  disquieting  spectacle 
for  the  man  who  has  caused  them. 

It  makes  him  question  his  own  actions,  recall  his 
words,  fiercely  examine  himself.  If  he  has  acumen 
enough  to  absolve  himself  from  blame,  then  my 
advice  to  him  is  to  quit;  to  quit  at  once.  That  is 
what  I  ought  to  have  done,  only  I  did  not.  I  stood 
like  a  great  schoolboy  convicted  of  a  fault,  and 
tried  to  explain. 

Explanations  are  fatal  in  almost  every  relation 
of  life.  There  are  very  few  crises  which  cannot  be 
tided  over  by  silence. 

"Don't  cry,  Maud,"  I  said  dismally  and  crudely. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  71 

' '  I  can't  bear  to  see  you  crying.  It  can't  be  a  matter 
of  any  consequence  to  you  really.  You  have  always 
assured  me  that  you  didn't  care  and  that  you 
expected  to  marry  some  day." 

She  wiped  her  eyes  and  looked  at  me  with  much 
sweetness  of  expression. 

I  have  never  been  able  to  decide  how  much  or 
how  little  genuine  feeling  was  at  the  bottom  of  this 
little  scene.  Tears  became  Maud  Lacy,  undoubt- 
edly. They  gave  a  certain  softness,  generally  lack- 
ing, to  her  personality;  she  seemed  more  womanly 
than  I  had  ever  seen  her  before,  and,  consequently, 
more  beautiful.  She  made  a  striking  picture,  of 
which  I  was  fully  conscious  at  the  moment. 

"Have  I  said  so,  Gibbie?"  she  asked  gently. 
"It  just  shows  what  a  fool  a  woman  can  be  and  how 
much  nonsense  it  is  possible  to  talk.  I  don't  sup- 
pose, really,  that  I  ever  expected  the  deluge  would 
come.  Sit  down  here,  and  tell  me  all  about  it." 

Her  tone  was  so  reasonable  and  kind,  that,  though 
my  better  judgment  warned  me  to  fly,  I  obeyed  her 
with  exemplary  meekness.  I  drew  in  a  stool  to  the 
side  of  the  couch,  and  sat  down,  and  she  reached  out 
her  plump,  well-cared-f  or  white  hand  and  patted  mine. 

' '  Dear  Gib,  if  you  're  going  to  be  happy,  your  pal 
won't  mind.  It 's  that  I  'm  most  anxious  about. 
Tell  me  every  single,  solitary  thing,  how  it  happened 
and  all " 

Here  was  a  poser.  Tell  her  every  solitary  thing 
about  these  incomparable  days,  regarding  which  I 
was  still  shy  to  reticence  with  myself ! 


72  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

"Oh,  it  just  happened  in  the  usual  way,"  I 
answered  awkwardly.  "When  I  saw  her  that  night 
at  the  ball  I  knew  I  should  want  to  see  her  again. 
Of  course,  I  didn't  expect  it  would  come  off  in  such 
a  hurry." 

"It  does  sound  a  bit  rapid,"  she  said,  with  a  little 
flash  of  the  eye.  "But,  poor  thing,  I  dare  say  she 
would  feel  anxious  to  bring  it  off  before  the  Channel 
rolled  between  you  again.  Men  are  such  queer 
cattle,  and  she  can't  have  many  strings  to  her  bow." 

This  remark  was  typically  Lacyan,  but,  applied  to 
Hester  Lawrence,  it  jarred  upon  me  horribly. 
"That  wasn't  it  at  all.  I  was  the  rapid  one.  I  sim- 
ply refused  to  go  without  some  sort  of  promise." 

"Was  that  it  really?"  she  asked,  with  a  slight 
uplift  of  her  heavy  black  brow.  "Why  wasums  in 
such  a  hurry  then? "  she  added  presently,  patting  my 
hand  again.  "It  isn't  so  easy  getting  out  of  the 
cage  after  you're  once  in,  Gibbie." 

I  had  no  answer  to  that.  I  moved  uneasily  on 
my  seat,  writhing  in  spirit  but  too  idiotically  weak 
to  cut  myself  free.  How  many  men  have  found 
themselves  in  a  like  position,  and  while  cursing 
themselves,  succumbed  to  the  woman's  stronger 
will!  Maud  Lacy  willed  that  I  should  stop  there 
by  her  side  until  she  was  done  with  me.  She  did 
not  propose  that  all  these  days  of  friendship,  philan- 
dering, call  it  what  you  will,  should  come  to  an  end 
in  a  flash  of  time,  and  without  an  effort  on  her  part 
to  preserve  her  jurisdiction  over  my  life. 

"Look  here,  Gibbie,  we'd  better  have  this  thing 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  73 

out,"  she  said  in  her  friendliest  tone.  "Of  course, 
you  know  that  my  people  expect  us  to  marry  some 
day." 

I  started.  I  had  certainly  not  thought  so.  In 
all  my  intimate  talk  with  the  various  members  of 
the  family,  such  a  thing  had  never  been  mooted. 
Their  allusions  to  Maud  and  me  had  never  gone 
beyond  the  stage  of  chaff. 

But  Maud  spoke  so  seriously  that  I  was  for  the 
moment  impressed. 

"I  don't  see  how  they  can.  I  asked  you,  Maud, 
and  you  refused.  That  made  an  end.  If  you '11  cast 
your  memory  back  you'll  remember  that  we  agreed 
the  little  episode  should  not  be  allowed  to  alter  any- 
thing, that  if  possible  we  should  be  better  pals  than 
ever." 

"Well,  and  have  n't  we?" 

"I  suppose  so.  I  'm  not  complaining.  And  I 
expected  you  to  take  this  differently." 

I  said  so,  but  in  my  inmost  soul  I  knew  that  I  had 
not  expected  it. 

I  was  only  paying  now  for  the  incredible  folly  of 
these  years  in  which  I  had  drifted,  allowing  the 
chains  to  be  bound  upon  me. 

"I  am  not  complaining  either,"  she  answered 
coolly.  "I  only  wondered  whether  it  would  be  the 
end  of  everything  between  us." 

"Why  should  it?"  I  asked  lamely.  "A  man's 
marriage  need  not  cut  him  off  from  all  his  old 
friends." 

"It  need  not,  but  it  does  very  often,  in  fact  almost 


74  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

always.  But  I  hope  you  won't  allow  her  to  take  you 
away  from  Hill  Rise  altogether." 

"No,  of  course  not.  We  shall  all  be  as  friendly  as 
ever,"  I  observed  fatuously.  "Why  not?" 

"I  have  my  doubts,"  she  said,  shaking  her  head. 
Suddenly  she  touched  my  hand  once  more  and  fixed 
me  with  her  intense  eyes.  "Say,  Gibbie,  I  haven't 
got  over  the  wonder  of  it  yet,  nor  the  mystery. 
Whatever  did  you  see  in  her?  She  has  no  life?  I 
thought  you  liked  a  woman  to  be  a  bit  of  real  flesh 
and  blood.  I  wish  you'd  explain  it  to  me." 

How  could  I  ?    My  very  soul  shrank  at  the  thought. 

"No  man  can  ever  explain  exactly  why  he  wants 
to  marry  any  woman.  You  surely  know  that.  It 
just  comes  over  him  that  he  does  want  to  marry  her, 
and  if  she'll  have  him,  it  comes  off." 

"Is  that  how  you  felt  about  me?"  she  asked 
wickedly. 

"That's  ancient  history,"  I  answered  lightly.  "I 
think  I'll  be  getting  back." 

"Oh,  not  yet.  It's  only  ten  o'clock.  Sit  down. 
I  haven't  heard  half  I  want  to  hear.  Will  you  be 
married  soon,  and  where  will  you  take  a  house? 
Why,  I  have  a  thousand  questions  to  ask.  Does 
anybody  know  except  me?" 

"Only  Jane." 

' '  Jane  approves  probably  ? ' ' 

' '  She  does,  but  thinks,  I  can  see,  that  I  am  hardly 
good  enough." 

"Good  enough  for  a  governess ! "  quoth  Maud  with 
scorn.  "I  shall  just  like  to  hear  what  the  mater 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  75 

says.  My,  won't  she  stare  when  I  tell  her  to- 
morrow!" 

"I  don't  particularly  want  it  talked  all  over  Hel- 
ston  just  yet,  Maud,"  I  said  desperately. 

"Oh,  I  shall  not  hawk  your  secret  about,  but  you'll 
own  that  the  mater  must  be  told.  She  '11  take  it  as  a 
personal  slight  if  you  don't  tell  her  yourself.  They'll 
be  down  by  the  seven  o'clock  train  to-morrow  eve- 
ning. If  you  promise  to  come  in  after  supper  and 
own  up,  I  won't  say  a  word." 

But  that  I  could  not  promise,  and  I  made  another 
effort  to  get  away. 

"You're  determined  to  go,"  she  said  pettishly. 
"I  see  the  beginning  of  the  end,  Gibbie.  Well, 
I'm  sure  I  don't  care." 

She  spoke  a  little  recklessly  and  her  eyes  were 
gleaming.  She  rose  from  the  'sofa,  and  stood  up, 
and  without  any  warning  suddenly  put  her  two  hands 
on  my  shoulders. 

"So  it's  good-bye  to  the  old  sweet  camaraderie, 
Gibbie,  oh,  dear,  oh,  dear!  I  didn't  think  it  possible 
I  could  have  minded !  What  a  fool  I  've  been ! " 

The  next  moment  her  arms  were  round  my  neck, 
and  she  had  kissed  me,  or  I  had  kissed  her.  At  this 
distance  I  could  not  say  what  actually  happened. 
But  a  minute  to  two  later  I  was  outside  the  house, 
all  my  feelings  in  a  turmoil,  and  savage  with  myself. 
Before  me  I  saw  the  pure  smile  of  Hester's  face,  her 
clear  eyes  looking  with  love  and  trust  into  mine. 
How  hateful  was  all  this,  and  how  could  I  escape 
from  it  forever? 


76  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

One  thing  that  ghastly  interview  had  revealed  to 
me:  the  absolute  necessity  of  getting  away  from 
Helston  before  my  marriage. 

I  could  not  picture  myself  in  a  home  that  would 
have  a  chance  of  happiness  or  peace  in  the  same  place 
with  Maud  Lacy.  She  might  be  friendly  enough 
with  my  wife,  might  in  fact  weary  her  with  too  much 
intimacy.  And  she  would  never  give  up  her  friend- 
ship for  me. 

As  I  strode  savagely  down  the  hill,  the  title  of  a 
ridiculous  debate  that  had  taken  place  some  years 
before  in  the  Shire  Hall  under  the  auspices  of  the 
local  literary  society  recurred  to  my  mind:  Can 
Men  and  Women  be  Friends  according  to  Plato? 

I  had  taken  part  in  that  foolish  argument,  taking 
the  affirmative  side.  The  futile  sophistries  I  made 
use  of  rose  up  to  mock  at  me  now.  All  the  Lacys 
had  been  on  my  side,  and  at  their  house,  afterwards, 
Maud  and  I  congratulated  ourselves  on  being  the 
concrete  example  of  my  contention.  But  the  entry 
of  the  other  man,  or  the  other  woman,  is  the  supreme 
test  of  all  such  friendships.  Ours  had  simply 
broken  down,  like  most  of  them,  under  it. 

Eleven  was  ringing  from  the  square  tower  of  the 
parish  church  as  I  crossed  the  High  Street  and  let 
myself  in  with  my  latchkey.  The  house  was  per- 
fectly still,  as  usual  at  such  an  hour,  when  Jane 
would  have  retired  to  her  room,  and  my  father, 
if  he  had  returned  from  the  club,  would  be  smoking 
and  reading  in  his  own  den.  He  was  an  insatiable 
reader  of  novels.  They  never  seemed  to  pall  on 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  77 

his  jaded  palate,  and  he  retained  an  extraordinarily 
vivid  recollection  of  the  books  he  had  read,  even  the 
trivial  ones.  I  have  often  thought  what  a  strange 
storehouse  his  mind  must  have  been. 

The  hall  light  was  out,  too,  my  father  being  strict 
in  the  practice  of  the  small  economies  which  make 
life  hideous;  but  I  noticed  a  gleam  under  his  door, 
and  entered  it  without  further  parley. 

I  did  not  often  disturb  his  privacy  so  late,  generally 
going  straight  up  to  bed  when  I  returned  from  the 
Lacys'  house,  but  he  took  it  very  well. 

"Not  gone  to  bed  yet,  Gib?  I  thought  you'd  be 
tired  after  all  the  excitement  of  the  last  twenty-four 
hours.  Have  a  whisky?" 

"Thanks.  I  don't  mind  if  I  do,"  I  said  gratefully, 
as  I  crossed  the  narrow  floor  space  to  the  knee-hole 
writing-desk  on  which  the  bottle  stood.  In  his 
private  room  my  father  did  not  achieve  a  decanter. 
In  his  estimation  whisky  lost  something  by  being 
transferred  from  its  native  bottle.  I  looked  at  him 
with  sudden  interest  and  something  of  appeal  as  I 
sat  down  with  the  glass  in  my  hand.  It  occurred  to 
me  that  as  he  had  lived  so  much  longer  in  the  world 
he  must  necessarily  be  much  wiser  than  I.  At  the 
moment  I  felt  foolishly  young,  crude,  wholly  at  a 
loss.  In  a  sense,  if  not  the  arbiter  of  my  destiny, 
at  least  he  could  give  me  immense  help. 

"Dad,"  I  said  in  rather  a  shamefaced  way,  "I'm 
in  a  kind  of  a  hole." 

I  don't  know  what  tempted  me  to  these  words, 
for  in  ordinary  circumstances  my  father  was  the 


;8  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

last  man  upon  whom  one  would  force  a  confidence. 
And  most  certainly  he  never  invited  one.  But  there 
it  was. 

He  put  his  book  face  downwards  on  his  knee,  and 
looked  at  me  over  his  eyeglass  with  a  good  deal  of 
kindliness.  I  see  him  yet,  the  handsome  wreck  of  a 
man,  and  that  night  I  understood  part  of  the  charm 
which  had  enabled  him  to  keep  superiors  and  equals 
and  inferiors  loyal  and  devoted  to  him  through 
a  long  and  not  very  dignified  life.  It  was  some- 
thing within,  some  spark  of  the  divine  fire  which 
is  in  every  man,  but  which  comes  to  the  full  flame 
in  very  few. 

"I  thought  there  might  be  something  behind; 
well,  out  with  it,  my  boy.  If  I  can  help  you  I  will." 

"It  isn't  any  kind  of  disgraceful  scrape,"  I  blurted 
out.  ' '  Only  I  'm  engaged  to  be  married. ' ' 

"To  Maud  Lacy,  I  suppose?"  he  said,  and  his  tone 
was  exceeding  dry. 

He  could  not  have  said  anything  to  nonplus  me 
more.  It  showed  what  the  world  expected,  and  for 
the  moment  appeared  to  justify  Maud's  claim. 

"  It  is  n't  Maud  Lacy.  Why  do  you  speak  as  if  she 
were  the  only  woman  in  the  world?" 

He  shrugged  his  shoulders. 

' '  I  may  be  excused,  perhaps,  for  thinking  she  was 
where  you  are  concerned.  You've  glued  yourself 
pretty  tightly  to  them  for  the  last  five  or  six  years. 
Personally,  I  am  glad  to  hear  it,  if  you  've  got  away. 
Who  is  the  lady?" 

I  explained,  and,  as  was  natural,  waxed  a  little 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  79 

eloquent  regarding  her.  To  my  surprise,  he  listened 
with  a  complete  gravity  and  attention,  not  smiling 
once.  "Well,  where  is  the  hole?"  he  asked  quietly. 
"Unless  you're  under  any  bond  to  Miss  Lacy." 

I  explained  my  position  there  as  best  I  could,  and 
I  saw  that  he  fully  understood.  When  I  had  finished, 
he  took  out  his  cigar  and  held  it  smoulderingly 
between  his  fingers. 

"You've  spoken  with  great  frankness,  Gilbert,  and 
I  pay  you  the  compliment  of  accepting  your  state- 
ment as  it  stands.  I  know  you're  telling  me  the 
truth.  I  haven't  the  honor  of  an  intimate  acquaint- 
ance with  the  lady,  but  of  this  I'm  perfectly  sure,  that 
she'll  make  trouble  if  she  can.  I  know  the  type." 

"But  she  seemed  pleased  enough  at  the  end,  only 
— only  it  would  be  natural  for  Hester  to  resent  her 
assumption  of  control  over  my  actions,  her  extra- 
ordinary interest." 

"It  would,  and  the  better  the  woman  the  more  she 
feels  that  particular  kind  of  interference  from  the 
outside.  The  first  thing  a  man  has  got  to  consider 
in  his  relations  with  women,  is  that  they  don't 
come  under  any  category  he  has  been  previously 
acquainted  with.  He  can't  tabulate  them  or  assume 
with  the  smallest  certainty  how  they  will  behave 
in  any  given  circumstances.  Each  woman  is  a  law 
to  herself.  It  is  part  of  the  charm  of  the  sex.  Do 
you  get  that  fixed  in  your  mind,  boy?" 

"Yes,  I  suppose  it's  true." 

' '  Before  you  can  expect  to  be  happy  or  to  give  your 
wife  the  peace  of  mind  she  is  entitled  to,  you  must  get 


8o  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

your  feet  clear.     You  can't  settle  in  Helston,  Gib." 

I  felt  my  face  glow.  They  were  the  words  I  most 
desired  to  hear,  yet  I  had  not  dared  to  hint  at  it, 
because  it  was  tacitly  understood  that  when  my 
father  retired  at  the  age  limit,  in  a  year  from  then, 
I  should  step  into  his  place.  In  view  of  his  excep- 
tional services  to  the  bank,  and  perhaps  in  con- 
sideration of  my  own  humbler  qualities,  his  directors 
had  as  good  as  promised  this.  I  knew  that  it  was 
a  chance  of  quick  promotion  which  would  probably 
never  come  to  me  again.  But  at  that  moment  I 
was  willing  to  sacrifice  it,  and  a  few  other  things,  to 
clear  the  way. 

"That  would  certainly  simplify  everything;  but 
what  about  this  place?" 

"Somebody  else  will  have  to  get  it,  that 's  all. 
I  don't  want  to  blame  you,  Gib,  but  you've  hurt 
yourself  by  your  association  with  the  Lacys.  That 
kind  of  intimacy  brings  its  own  punishment  as  well 
as  its  rewards.  It  destroys  the  privacy  of  a  man's 
soul.  How  much  of  your  real  self  has  been  hidden 
from  these  people?  Is  there  a  single  door  you  have 
closed  against  them?" 

"Not  one,  until  now." 

"Well,  you  can't  expect  to  get  off  scot-free,  and 
your  wife  is  bound  to  suffer  in  some  slight  degree, 
too.  But  I  don't  want  to  rub  it  in.  When  do  you 
propose  to  get  married?" 

"Some  time  in  the  autumn,  I  thought,  if  my 
financial  position  justified  it.  I'll  have  to  go  into 
things  a  bit." 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  81 

"I  take  it  you  haven't  saved  much,  living  as 
you've  been  doing?" 

"I  haven't  saved  anything,  or  at  least  very  little." 

"And  do  you  propose  to  furnish  your  house  on  the 
hire  system,  or  what?" 

"I  can  scrape  together  something  between  now 
and  autumn,"  I  answered  lamely. 

"Humph,"  said  my  father,  more  to  himself  than 
to  me. 

I  could  see  that  he  pondered  things  in  his  mind,  and 
I  was  content  to  wait  for  their  maturing.  Presently 
he  spoke  in  rather  slow,  measured  tones. 

"There's  a  hundred  and  fifty  to  your  credit  some- 
where, Gib.  It  is  yours  by  right.  When  you  were 
born,  your  mother  started  a  fund  for  you,  had  some 
idea  of  sending  you  to  Oxford,  I  believe.  My  ambi- 
tions didn't  run  to  Oxford  for  you.  I  thought  there 
was  something  in  banking  good  enough  for  you, 
after  it  had  served  me.  But  I  kept  on  adding  to 
the  money;  mere  sentimental  idea,  I  suppose,  but 
there  you  are.  She  did  the  same  for  Jane,  arguing 
that  perhaps  she  wouldn't  marry,  and  would 
require  it,  or  that  if  she  did  marry  she  might  require 
it  more.  Your  mother  thought  a  good  deal  about 
things  most  women  despise.  I  have  never  met 
anybody  quite  like  her.  She  left  her  mark  wher- 
ever she  went." 

I  did  not  ask  what  kind  of  a  mark.  I  was  awed 
into  silence.  For  this  was  absolutely  the  first  time 
my  father  had  mentioned  my  mother's  name  to  me 
since  I  was  a  little  chap,  and  there  was  that  in  his 

6 


82  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

tone  which  indicated  that  he  had  unlocked  the  door 
of  the  inner  shrine. 

It  startled  me  even  to  imagine  that  he  had  a  shrine. 
Had  any  one  suggested  it  to  me  a  couple  of  hours 
earlier  in  the  evening  I  should  have  smiled  at  their 
guilelessness.  One  more  proof  of  how  little  we  know 
of  those  with  whom  we  live. 

"What  sort  of  a  woman  is  this  you  have  engaged 
yourself  to  ?  I  suppose  that  she  is  the  very  antithesis 
of  Maud  Lacy?" 

"You  have  said  it,"  I  answered  quickly  enough. 
' '  They  belong  to  different  spheres.  I  had  almost  said 
hemispheres." 

"We  don't  marry  the  women  we  philander  with. 
I  was  like  that  with  your  mother,  though  I  had  a 
round  dozen  of  love  affairs  before  I  married  her.  I 
suppose  that's  what  took  you  to  Brussels?" 

"Yes." 

"What  is  she  doing  there?" 

"Earning  her  living  as  an  English  governess. 
She 's  in  the  school  where  the  two  Lacy  girls  are  being 
educated.  She  brought  them  over  for  the  ball; 
that's  where  I  met  her." 

"  I  see !  Another  reason  why  it  would  be  advisable 
for  you  to  settle  at  some  distance  from  Helston.  I  '11 
go  up  to  Threadneedle  Street  on  Thursday  and  hear 
what  they  have  to  say." 

My  face  flushed,  for  I  knew  what  that  meant.  My 
father  was,  for  the  first  time  in  his  life,  concerning 
himself  actively  in  my  affairs.  But  it  was  difficult 
for  me  to  thank  him.  As  a  family  we  had  carried  our 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  83 

reticence  toward  one  another  to  lengths  unthinkable 
and  absurd. 

"They're  opening  countless  branches  in  the  new 
suburbs.  I  don't  think  there  will  be  any  difficulty  in 
getting  one  for  you  after  I  've  talked  to  'em  for  a  bit. 
They'll  take  my  word  if  I  say  you're  capable. 
Twenty-nine,  aren't  you?" 

"I  shall  be  in  October." 

"Young  enough  for  a  manager,  but  it's  the  day  of 
the  young  man,  and  now  you've  got  something  to 
settle  you,  you  ought  to  do  well  enough.  Good 
night." 

He  said  the  word  with  extraordinary  abruptness, 
almost  as  if  he  felt  a  secret  shame  over  his  readiness 
to  enter  into  my  interests  and  help  them  forward. 

' '  Good  night,  sir.  It 's  most  awfully  good  of  you. 
I  don't  know  what  to  say." 

' '  Don '  t  say  anything.  You ' ve  been  a  good  enough 
son  to  me.  At  least,  you  've  never  made  me  ashamed 
of  you.  And  I'm  glad  you're  going  to  marry.  I 
haven't  said  anything,  but  I  was  wondering  how 
much  longer  this  Lacy  business  was  going  to  last. 
I  've  seen  you  deteriorating  under  it,  but  it  wasn't  my 
business  to  interfere." 

"On  the  contrary,  it  was  your  business,  sir,  and  I 
wish  you  had,"  I  said  bluntly. 

He  looked  at  me  oddly  over  the  brim  of  the  eye- 
glass he  had  already  adjusted  for  the  purpose  of 
resuming  his  reading. 

"Perhaps  you're  right,  perhaps  not.  I've  never 
posed  as  a  model  father.  Fact  is,  Gilbert,  no  watch 


84  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

can  keep  time  when  the  mainspring 's  broken.     That 
was  what  happened  to  me.     Good  night." 

I  went  out  of  the  room  in  no  doubt  but  that  my 
dismissal  was  final  this  time.  But  the  words  pursued 
me.  "The  mainspring  broken!  That  was  what 
happened  to  me."  It  sums  up  as  well  as  any  other 
words  in  the  English  tongue  the  whole  tragedy  of  the 
widower's  heart  and  life. 


CHAPTER   V 

Six  weeks  is  an  interminable  time  to  a  newly  en- 
gaged man,  who  has  no  opportunity  of  seeing  his 
beloved  in  the  interval.  It  was  not  surprising  that  I 
wanted  to  divide  the  eternity  between  Easter  and 
Whitsuntide  by  a  week-end  at  Brussels.  But  I  could 
not  get  away.  I  had  so  much  to  say  to  Hester,  and 
even  the  best  of  letters  can  never  say  all.  After  I 
became  engaged  my  relations  with  the  Lacys  suffered 
some  hurt.  I  had  to  stand  so  much  merciless  chaff 
and  minute  questioning  at  Hill  Rise,  that  I  had  slack- 
ened off  going  to  their  house.  This  displeased  Mrs. 
Lacy  not  a  little,  and  one  day  when  we  met  in  the 
street  she  reproachfully  taxed  me  with  it. 

"I  would  never  have  believed  it  of  you,  Gilbert,  to 
shunt  old  friends  the  moment  a  new  face  comes  along ! 
I  assure  you  we  are  all  feeling  it." 

I  hastened  to  assure  her  that  I  had  no  such  inten- 
tion, but  that  I  had  felt  they  were  a  little  hard  on  me. 

"I  don't  know  what  you  call  hard,"  she  said,  fixing 
me  with  her  handsome  eyes,  which  were  very  like 
Maud's,  only  kinder.  "Why  should  you  escape  the 
common  lot?  I've  heard  you  give  as  good  as  you 
get  many  a  time.  Why  should  we  wrap  you  in 
cotton  wool?  Besides,  if  she  isn't  worth  standing 

85 


86  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

a  bit  of  chaff  for  she  isn't  worth  having.  When 's  it 
to  come  off?" 

Her  tone  instantly  became  kinder,  because  there 
was  no  real  guile  or  malice  in  her  heart.  If  Maud  had 
been  like  her  mother  in  this  respect  my  troubles 
would  have  ended  there;  need,  perhaps,  never  have 
begun. 

"Nothing  is  definitely  settled,  and  it  may  not  be 
this  year,  Mrs.  Lacy." 

"Oh,  we  all  thought  you  were  going  to  be  in  a 
desperate  hurry.  And  where  are  you  going  to  live? 
They  are  building  some  new  small  houses  on  the  Hill, 
quite  pretty  and  up-to-date.  It  would  be  very  nice 
if  you  came  up  there,  Gilbert,  then  we  shouldn't  feel 
as  if  we  had  quite  lost  you.  I  could  help  her,  too, 
for  it  stands  to  reason  she  can't  know  much,  if  any- 
thing, about  housekeeping.  And  after  Jane's  splen- 
did management  you  won't  like  bad  cooking  or 
anything  sloppy." 

Few  men  trouble  themselves  about  the  housewifely 
capabilities  of  the  woman  they  are  going  to  marry.  I 
certainly  had  not  had  any  qualms  regarding  Hester's. 

"There  isn't  anything  settled,"  I  said  evasively. 
"It  is  even  on  the  cards  that  I  may  not  stop  in 
Helston.  My  father  thinks  I  should  leave  it." 

' '  But  why  ?  I  thought  it  was  understood  that  you 
should  step  into  his  shoes  soon?  It's  a  very  good 
billet  as  banks  go,  but,  of  course,  it  isn't  like  business. 
If  you  had  been  my  son,  I  never  should  have  allowed 
you  to  stand  behind  a  bank  counter.  It 's  a  genteel, 
easy  occupation,  but  there  isn't  a  red  cent  in  it." 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  87 

"I  may  go  to  a  London  branch,"  I  said  recklessly. 
' '  Then  one  has  chances.  In  a  place  like  Helston,  one 
is  apt  to  get  into  a  groove." 

"So  you  are  determined  to  cut  yourself  off,"  she 
said,  returning  to  her  somewhat  reproachful  tone. 
"Well,  well,  I  suppose  it  is  the  way  of  the  world,  but 
I  expected  different  things  from  you.  I'm  anxious 
about  Maud,  Gibbie.  She 's  gone  off  her  food,  and 
is  so  cross  and  irritable,  there's  no  living  with  her. 
I  think  we  must  send  her  to  the  sea  for  a  bit,  but 
she  refuses  to  budge." 

I  suppose  I  must  have  looked  as  uncomfortable  as  I 
felt,  and  imagined  all  sorts  of  subtle  meanings  hidden 
under  these  apparently  innocent  words.  But  Mrs. 
Lacy  was  incapable  of  innuendo.  Her  outstanding 
characteristic  was  to  speak  her  mind,  and  she  pro- 
ceeded to  do  it  without  further  parley. 

"I  don't  mind  telling  you  that  Bob  and  I  would 
have  been  uncommonly  pleased  had  you  and  Maud 
made  a  match  of  it.  You  seem  to  understand  her, 
and  there 's  no  doubt  whatever  that  she 's  fond  of 
you." 

I  didn't  know  where  to  look.  It  was  the  first  time 
she  had  so  pointedly  alluded  to  the  subject,  and  I  had 
not  the  remotest  idea  that  her  mind  had  ever  har- 
bored it.  One  of  the  chief  charms  of  the  Lacys' 
house  was  the  freedom  in  it  for  a  young  man.  One 
never  had  the  f eeling  that  he  was  being  angled  for,  or 
regarded  as  a  possible  suitor.  But  evidently  the  lure 
had  been  there  all  the  same. 

"I  proposed  to  Maud  once,  Mrs.  Lacy,  a  good 


88  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

many  years  ago,  and  she  refused  me,"  I  said  bluntly, 
and  hating  myself  desperately  for  taking  the  line  of 
least  resistance.  "She  told  me,  then,  she  was 
aiming  at  something  higher  than  a  bank  manager, 
and  that  though  she  liked  me  very  well,  she  had  not 
the  smallest  intention  of  marrying  me." 

She  looked  the  picture  of  surprise. 

"Well,  I  never!  Why,  who  would  ever  have 
thought  it,  Gilbert?  I  must  tell  Bob.  How  close 
Maud  can  be  about  her  own  affairs!  But  you 
mustn't  think  she  has  said  anything  nasty  about 
your  engagement.  Honor  bright,  she  hasn't.  But 
all  the  same  I  can't  help  thinking  that  she  is  feeling 
it.  Queer,  isn't  it,  how  we  can  bring  up  children  and 
know  so  little  about  them?  I've  never  professed  to 
understand  Maud.  Now  with  Carrie  everything  is 
plain  sailing.  She  simply  opens  her  mouth,  and  you 
know  where  she  is  and  where  you  are.  She's  more 
like  me  than  any  of  them,  don't  you  think?" 

"Carrie  is  delightful,"  I  hastened  to  say  with  a 
warmth  which  made  her  mother  smile. 

"Men  are  beginning  to  find  it  out,  evidently,  and  I 
don't  quite  understand  it,  for  she  isn't  half  so  pretty 
as  Maud,  and  she  laughs  at  them  all.  But  it 's  such 
a  kindly  laugh,  and  she  never  makes  them  feel  small 
or  tries  to  be  smart  at  their  expense  as  Maud  does. 
I  shouldn't  be  at  all  surprised  to  see  Carrie  sailing  in 
ahead  of  them  all  with  flying  colors.  Don't  look  so 
glum,  Gilbert !  I  'm  not  down  on  you,  only  I  do  wish 
we  could  keep  everybody  quite  young — it 's  so  much 
easier.  A  house  full  of  little  children  all  tumbling 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  89 

over  one  another,  that's  my  idea  of  happiness. 
When  they  grow  up  it 's  very  different."  There  was 
real  pathos  in  her  words,  and  I  saw  that  her  big 
motherly  heart  was  somehow  sore. 

"Dear  Mrs.  Lacy,  I'll  never,  never  forget  what 
you've  been  to  me,"  I  said,  and  never  had  I  spoken 
with  more  fervor  or  more  truth. 

To  my  surprise,  two  bright  drops  immediately 
started  in  her  eyes,  and  we  were  in  the  middle  of  the 
High  Street,  too,  in  the  full  noonday! 

"I  know,  and  I  like  you  quite  as  much  as  if  you 
were  my  own ;  that 's  why  I  can't  get  used  to  the  idea 
of  another  woman  getting  you,  I  suppose.  I  felt  just 
the  same  about  Ned,  but  I'll  get  over  it.  I  say, 
Gibbie,"  she  said  suddenly,  and  I  thought  a  subtle 
change  came  over  her  expression,  "do  you  notice 
anything  about  me  different  just  lately?" 

"How  do  you  mean?"  I  asked  in  quick  concern. 

"Do  you  think  I  look  as  well  as  usual?" 

I  regarded  her  with  quick  scrutiny.  "You  are 
thinner,  much  thinner,  and  last  night  I  thought  you 
looked  a  little  wan  just  before  I  left,  but  I  set  it  down 
to  the  color  of  the  lamp  shades." 

"It  wasn't  the  lamp  shades.  I'm  not  very  well, 
Gibbie.  I  haven't  been  for  a  long  time.  But  don't 
say  a  word  to  them  at  home.  Ours  is  not  the  kind  of 
house  a  person  can  be  comfortably  ill  in.  I  'm  keep- 
ing about  as  long  as  I  can,  and  it  would  worry  Bob  so 
dreadfully.  So  don't  say  a  word;  but  I  like  to  think 
I  can  speak  to  you  whatever  is  in  my  mind." 

I  felt  a  sudden  revulsion.    All  my  old  love  and 


90  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

fealty  to  this  dear  woman  who  had  mothered  me 
through  all  my  desolate  boyhood  rushed  upon  me  like 
a  flood.  I  drew  her  into  the  shadow  of  the  old  gate- 
way of  St.  Anselm's,  and  spoke  to  her  seriously. 

"I  don't  like  what  you  tell  me.  I  simply  can't 
have  it.  Have  you  seen  anybody?  Do  you  suffer 
pain?  Heavens,  you  can't  be  ill?  We  simply  won't 
have  it." 

' '  I  have  n't  seen  anybody,  and  I  'm  not  going  to.  I 
hate  doctors.  I  won't  have  them  poking  about  me, 
and  I  don't  believe  there  is  anything  really  the  matter 
with  me.  Lots  of  women  get  seedy  about  my  time  of 
life.  Don't  bother,  Gibbie.  I  feel  better  already. 
It  is  good  to  have  somebody  like  you  to  tell  things 
to." 

"You'll  promise  to  take  care  of  yourself,"  I  said 
anxiously.  "You  do  too  much  for  other  people. 
You  want  to  rest  a  lot  more.  Let  some  of  them  take 
over  the  housekeeping  and  run  the  show  at  Hill  Rise." 

She  shook  her  head. 

"Ah,  I  won't  do  that,  Gibbie.  When  a  woman 
gives  up  her  own  show  she 's  done.  I  '11  hang  on  as 
long  as  I  can.  There  isn't  anything  the  matter  with 
me,  really — advancing  age,  that's  all.  Look  here, 
Gibbie,  would  you  like  me  to  invite  Miss  Lawrence  for 
Whitsun?  I'd  love  to  do  it.  She  could  come  over 
with  Flo  and  the  Babe,  though  they  are  not  supposed 
to  have  Whitsun.  A  week-end  wouldn't  hurt  them, 
however.  Shall  I  write?" 

"Thank  you  very  much,  thank  you  ever  so  much, 
but  I  rather  think  Jane  and  I  are  going  to  Brussels." 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  91 

"I  see.  How  pleased  Jane  is  about  it  all!  It 
shines  all  over  her  face.  You  never  know  what  these 
quiet  ones  are  thinking  and  feeling.  Well,  good-bye, 
dear.  It's  done  me  good  to  talk  to  you.  I  hope 
you  '11  be  happy  and  have  a  good  time  always — good- 
bye." 

She  nodded  in  her  usual  friendly  fashion  and  moved 
away,  always  a  dignified  and  handsome  figure,  the 
last  thing  in  neatness  and  distinction  in  dress.  I 
felt  saddened  somehow  as  I  left  her.  A  sort  of  feeling 
that  play  days  were  quite  over  crept  over  me.  Life 
loomed  ahead,  Life  spelled  with  a  big  L.  Well,  I 
was  ready  for  it.  I  had  put  away  childish  things. 

After  all,  Jane  did  not  go  to  Brussels.  I  can't 
remember  exactly  why,  but  some  difficulty  seemed 
to  arise,  and  I  went  alone. 

I  travelled  by  the  night  boat  on  the  Friday,  and 
was  at  the  gates  of  La  Grenade  by  eleven  o'clock  on 
Saturday  morning. 

Hester  was  waiting  for  me  in  the  garden,  frankly 
full  of  joy  at  seeing  me  again.  It  was  not  a  very  big 
garden,  but  there  was  plenty  of  shade  and  a  snug  little 
summerhouse  we  had  all  to  ourselves  for  half  an  hour 
for  our  lovers'  talk.  As  I  held  her  dear  face  in  my 
hands,  and  looked  into  her  clear,  trustful  eyes,  all 
my  unworthiness  rushed  upon  me  afresh. 

"Darling,  it  has  seemed  centuries,"  I  cried. 
"And  I  can't  believe  I  am  actually  here  at  your  side 
again." 

"It's  quite  real.  I  knew  it  was  going  to  be  this 
morning  when  I  woke  up  with  such  a  feeling  of  joy," 


92  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

she  answered  simply.  "Oh,  Gilbert,  just  think  of 
the  difference  it  has  made  in  my  life." 

"Has  it?  What  kind  of  difference?"  I  asked 
hungrily. 

"Oh,  it  has  changed  everything,  given  a  fresh 
beauty  and  joy  to  every  common  thing.  But  there 
is  nothing  common,  Gilbert.  Everything  is  lovely 
and  good." 

Could  I  have  said  the  same,  I  wonder?  I  did  not 
try. 

"The  dear  Miss  Crosbys  have  been  so  kind  and 
considerate.  They  have  sent  the  girls  out  with 
Mademoiselle  for  an  excursion  at  Terveuren  this 
morning,  so  we  must  not  go  to  Terveuren  to-day," 
she  added  with  a  shy,  delightful  smile,  "though  I  am 
quite  sure  I  want  to,  beyond  everything." 

"I  dare  say  we  can  find  somewhere  else.  How 
soon  can  you  be  ready,  and  do  they  understand  that 
I  must  have  you  for  the  whole  day?" 

"You  must  ask  them  properly,"  she  said  shyly. 
"Now  you  have  to  come  in  and  be  introduced." 

I  confessed  that  I  quailed  at  the  prospect,  but  she 
only  laughed  merrily  and  began  to  lead  the  way  into 
the  house.  From  the  front  door  it  was  but  a  step  to 
the  pretty  sitting  room,  where  I  found  the  ladies  in  a 
state  of  evident  expectancy.  I  am  sure  I  looked  like 
a  silly  sheep.  I  know  I  felt  like  one.  But  they 
quickly  put  me  at  my  ease. 

They  were  not  at  all  what  I  expected,  being  much 
younger  and  more  attractive  looking  than  I  had 
pictured  them  to  be.  Miss  Madeline,  the  younger, 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  93 

was  decidedly  pretty.  They  were  truly  gentle- 
women, highly  educated,  refined,  and,  while  enter- 
taining very  high  ideals  of  life  and  conduct,  there 
was  nothing  goody-goody  about  them. 

Miss  Crosby  shook  a  very  pretty  finger  at  me  after 
we  had  shaken  hands.  "You  don't  deserve  to  be 
received  civilly,  Mr.  Trent.  I  hope  you  realize  the 
magnitude  of  your  offence." 

"I  don't,  Miss  Crosby.     Pray  enlighten  me." 

"You  are  going  to  rob  La  Grenade  of  its  greatest 
treasure.  We  shall  never  be  able  to  replace  Hester; 
never  in  this  world.  My  sister  and  I  did  not  sleep  at 
all  the  night  after  we  knew." 

I  humbly  acknowledged  my  offence,  and  while 
Hester  went  off  to  get  ready,  I  sat  down  and  began  to 
find  myself  at  home.  It  is  possible  that  Eleanor 
Crosby,  alive  still,  and  not  so  very  old,  may  read 
these  words  and  recall  that  summer  morning.  Her 
sister,  Miss  Madeline,  is  dead,  and  the  school  long 
given  up.  I  felt  that  while  they  were  interested  and 
in  some  degree  critical,  they  were  quite  friendly.  It 
was  no  greater  ordeal  than  many  a  man  has  to  go 
through  when  he  comes  for  the  first  time  under  the 
review  of  his  fiancee's  people.  I  already  knew  that 
the  Crosbys  were  the  only  people  Hester  had  in  the 
world,  and  that  she  loved  them  as  if  they  were  her 
actual  kindred.  Besides,  they  had  been  more  than 
kind  to  her,  which  made  me  most  anxious  to  leave 
a  good  impression  on  their  minds,  and  to  assure 
them  regarding  Hester's  future. 

"It  is  extraordinary  how  things  happen  in  this 


94  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

world,  isn't  it?"  said  Miss  Eleanor  in  her  bright  but 
rather  prim  way.  ' '  I  assure  you  we  were  most  un- 
willing, weren't  we,  Madeline,  to  let  dear  Hester  take 
the  children  to  England  for  Mrs.  Lacy's  ball,  and 
just  see  what  has  come  out  of  it !  You  will  have  to 
be  very  good  to  Hester,  Mr.  Trent,  but  I  hope  you  are 
not  going  to  take  her  away  from  us  for  a  long  time." 

"Just  as  soon  as  ever  I  can,"  I  answered  boldly. 
"That  is  what  I  have  come  about.  I  hope  to  be 
settled  and  to  have  a  home  to  offer  Hester  in  the 
autumn." 

"In  Helston?"  asked  Miss  Crosby,  while  Miss 
Madeline,  with  very  bright  eyes  and  a  pink  flush  on 
her  cheek,  sat  forward  eagerly  to  hear  my  response. 

"No,  in  London,  that  is,  the  outskirts  of  London, 
where  I  hope  we  shall  have  the  pleasure  of  receiving 
you  very  often." 

Miss  Madeline  clasped  her  hands  rapturously,  and 
I  understood  from  her  silence  that  she  was  accus- 
tomed to  leave  speech  on  most  affairs  to  her  sister,  to 
whom  she  looked  up  with  the  reverence  a  gentle 
nature  feels  for  a  strong  one. 

"Ah,  that  is  kind,  and  we  shall,  of  course,  look 
forward  to  seeing  Hester  in  her  own  home.  I  am, 
in  a  sense,  her  guardian,  Mr.  Trent.  That  explains 
my  apparent  fussiness.  I  should  like  to  show  you  a 
letter  Major  Lawrence  wrote  to  me  in  his  last  illness 
about  Hester.  It  will  explain  the  position  better 
than  anything  else." 

I  felt  rather  surprised  to  hear  her  speak  of  Major 
Lawrence.  I  now  heard  for  the  first  time  of  his 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  95 

position  in  the  army.  Remember  how  rapidly  my 
love  affair  had  progressed,  and  how  entirely  we  had 
been  taken  up  with  one  another  in  the  few  weeks  of 
our  engagement !  We  had  not  descended  to  details. 
All  that  concerned  me  was  that  Hester  had  no  people, 
and  that  therefore  there  was  no  possible  chance  of 
our  being  parted. 

Before  I  could  answer  this  speech  Hester  returned 
ready  dressed  for  our  walk,  and  we  went  out  together, 
promising  to  come  back  in  time  for  tea. 

We  wandered  away  from  the  gate,  followed  by  the 
beaming  looks  of  these  two  kind  women,  not  caring 
at  all  where  we  went,  but  happy  so  long  as  we  were 
together. 

"Aren't  they  dears?"  said  Hester,  with  a  little 
happy  mist  before  her  eyes  as  she  waved  to  them. 
"Miss  Madeline  is  quite  excited.  It  is  the  first  time 
there  has  been  a  love  affair  in  La  Grenade — why,  I 
can't  think.  They  are  so  charming.  I  am  sure, 
if  I  were  a  man,  I  should  wish  to  marry  them  both." 

"Men  are  a  little  afraid  of  schoolmarms,"  I  said 
with  a  smile. 

"You  didn't  seem  very  much  afraid  of  me,"  she 
answered  quickly,  which  gave  me  the  very  opportu- 
nity I  wanted.  We  were  foolishly  happy  for  a  full 
hour,  and  I  could  not  tell  you  at  this  date  where 
she  took  me.  I  only  know  we  came  to  a  glade 
where  there  were  trees,  and  that  we  sat  down  on  a 
bank  under  them,  and  watched  the  sunlight  fil- 
tering through  the  leaves,  and  there  was  nobody 
in  the  world,  save  only  two.  But  by  and  by  I  saw 


96  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

just  a  little  shadow  creep  over  my  darling's  face. 

"Gilbert,  I  want  to  tell  you  something.  I  have 
had  a  letter  from  Miss  Lacy." 

I  know  I  reddened,  and  her  clear  eyes,  dwelling 
a  little  wistfully  on  my  face,  saw  that  flush,  and 
perhaps  misunderstood  it. 

"Yes,"  I  said  lamely.  "And  what  had  Miss  Lacy 
to  say?" 

"A  great  deal.  Would  you  like  to  see  the  letter, 
Gilbert?  I  have  it  here." 

I  wanted  to  see  it  beyond  all  telling,  but  I  felt  that 
I  could  not  read  it  under  the  fire  of  Hester's  eyes. 

"Oh,  no,"  I  answered  lightly.  "I  am  sure  she 
would  not  expect  that  you  would  show  it  to  me. 
Maud  Lacy  and  I  are  very  old  friends,  Hester.  We 
have  simply  known  one  another  always,  since  we 
wore  pinafores." 

' '  I  guessed  as  much,  and  she  speaks  of  that,  but — 
but,  Gilbert,  may  I  just  ask  you  something,  then  we 
need  never  speak  of  it  again?" 

"Yes,  of  course;  you  have  the  right  to  ask  me 
anything  you  like." 

"There  was  nothing  between  you,  was  there? 
You  know  what  I  mean,  don't  you,  dear?  The 
happiness  that  has  come  to  me  is  very  dear,  but  I 
want  to  know  whether  it  is  all  mine." 

It  was  a  full  minute  before  words  would  come  to  me. 
I  felt  that  she  was  waiting  anxiously  for  my  answer, 
and  that  much  might  depend  upon  it.  Maud's 
letter  would  have  been  a  guide,  but,  having  declined 
its  perusal,  I  was  left  wholly  to  my  own  resources. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  97 

"I  will  tell  you  the  truth,  Hester,"  I  said  in  a  low 
voice.  "Once  I  thought  I  cared  for  Maud  Lacy, 
and  I  asked  her  to  marry  me.  She  refused.  That  is 
all  that  has  been  between  us." 

It  was  another  full  minute  before  she  spoke,  and 
then  I  saw  that  something  had  gone  from  her,  some 
inner  brightness,  which  would  perhaps  never  come 
again.  I  thought  I  understood  it,  and  made  my 
utmost  endeavor  to  dispel  that  rising  cloud. 

"I  think  I  know  what  you  feel,  my  darling,  just  as 
I  should  feel,  I  know,  if  you  were  to  tell  me  there  had 
been  another  man  in  your  life." 

"But  there  never  has  been,"  she  said  quietly. 

' '  That  I  could  well  believe,  though  where  their  eyes 
have  been  I  don't  know,"  I  hastened  to  say  with  all 
a  lover's  fondness.  "But  with  a  man  it  is  different. 
It  is  bound  to  be  in  the  very  nature  of  things.  If  he 
is  made  of  flesh  and  blood  at  all,  he  can  hardly  escape 
having  a  few  affairs  before  the  real  thing  comes 
along." 

The  wistfulness  did  not  leave  her  eyes;  her  ex- 
pression indicated  that  she  was  pondering  some  fresh 
point  of  view,  which  did  not  altogether  make  for 
happiness.  "I  suppose  that  is  true,  but  I  can't  help 
thinking  it  is  a  pity,  Gilbert." 

"That  what  is  a  pity?" 

"If  God  ordains  one  man  and  woman  for  one 
another,  and  they  could  wait  for  their  meeting,  and 
think  of  no  other,  that  would  be  perfect.  Does  it 
never  happen,  I  wonder?" 

I  felt  a  pang  as  she  put  the  question,  and  had 


98  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

any  one  but  Hester  propounded  it,  I  should  have 
laughed  aloud.  I  thought  of  Ned  Lacy,  of  myself, 
of  all  the  men  I  had  known,  and  of  how  far  short 
we  all  fell  of  such  an  ideal.  Why,  the  swaggering 
schoolboy  with  his  cheap  cigarette  and  his  affectation 
of  manhood  begins  playing  at  love  as  soon  as  he 
knows  how  to  spell  the  word. 

"It  may  happen  sometimes,  but  it  is  unusual,"  I 
said  gravely.  "But  I  do  believe  this,  Hester,  that 
most  men  keep  the  inner  shrine  inviolate  till  they 
meet  the  right  woman.  I  never  knew  the  meaning 
of  love  till  I  saw  you.  The  moment  I  saw  you  I 
felt  that  life  was  changed  in  a  hundred  different 
directions,  charged  with  new  meaning  and  purpose. 
For  the  rest,  it  was  but  froth,  gone  with  the  first 
puff  of  wind,  and  leaving  no  trace  behind." 

They  were  fine-sounding,  grandiloquent  words,  but 
I  question  if  they  convinced  Hester.  She  vaguely 
smiled,  pullin,,  to  pieces  a  tall  foxglove  that  grew 
at  her  feet. 

"Perhaps  I  have  lived  a  very  narrow  life.  Men 
do  not  enter  much  into  the  scheme  of  things  at  La 
Grenade,  and  women  who  live  like  that  get  their 
ideas  from  books,  which,  of  course,  hardly  ever 
present  life  as  a  whole.  When  I  was  at  Helston — " 

She  paused  for  half  a  minute,  and  her  eyes  per- 
sistently bent  themselves  on  the  ragged  foxglove. 

"When  you  were  at  Helston?"  I  repeated  gently, 
eager  yet  partly  dreading  the  next  words. 

"A  good  many  things  puzzled  me.  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Lacy  are  very  happy  together,  aren't  they?" 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  99 

"Happiest  couple  I  know.  They  have  all  tastes 
in  common,  and  their  idea  of  a  home  is  a  place 
where  people  have  to  be  happy." 

' '  I  have  never  met  any  one.  so  truly  kind  as  they 
both  were,  and  I  kept  puzzling  myself  about  the 
children.  Not  one  of  them  seems  to  resemble  their 
parents,  and  they  are  all  so  different.  I  hope  it 
will  not  vex  you,  Gilbert,  if  I  say  that  I  liked  Maud, 
your  friend,  the  least  of  all." 

I  was  not  at  all  surprised.  I  would  have  been 
surprised,  perhaps,  had  she  said  anything  else. 

"It  is  horrible  to  be  speaking  like  this,  but  I  do 
want  to  be  quite  true  and  frank  about  everything, 
Gilbert.  If  we  live  in  Helston,  shall  I  have  to  see 
a  great  deal  of  her?" 

"We  shall  not  live  in  Helston,"  I  answered  fer- 
vently; "and  you  will  make  your  own  friends.  God 
forbid  that  I  should  thrust  mine  upon  you." 

"Oh,  but  that  would  be  most  unreasonable,  and 
if  you  wish  me  to  make  a  friend  of  Miss  Lacy,  I 
will  try  to  do  so.  But  something  inside  of  me  seems 
to  shrink  from  her.  It  is  the  narrow  life  I  have 
lived,  I  suppose.  But  she  seems  to  expect  that  she 
will  see  a  great  deal  of  us.  She  even  asks  me  to  keep 
the  door  wide  open,  so  that  she  may  not  lose  her 
friend,  who  has  been  so  much  to  her  all  these  years." 

I  could  have  gnashed  my  teeth.  Even  then  I  was 
on  the  point  of  asking  to  see  the  letter,  but  once 
more  I  refrained.  I  guessed  that  its  full  perusal 
would  probably  madden  me.  But  I  hated  Maud  at 
the  moment,  Heaven  knows  how  I  hated  her  for 


ioo  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

what  she  had  done.  She  had  taken  her  revenge  on 
me,  had  succeeded  in  planting  the  first  sting  in  my 
darling's  heart.  I  vowed  a  mighty  vow  that  it 
should  be  the  last. 

"I  am  sorry  she  has  vexed  you,"  I  said,  trying 
to  speak  lightly.  "Maud  Lacy  is  a  little  high- 
falutin " 

"A  little  what?" 

"A  little  prone  to  take  exaggerated  views,  and  she 
likes  to  be  first.  If  we  were  to  live  in  Helston,  she 
would  probably  run  to  our  house  without  ceasing 
for  a  while,  and  then  drop  us  like  hot  coals.  It's 
a  way  she  has.  Did  you  answer  her  letter?" 

She  colored  a  little  as  she  replied: 

"I  have  tried  to  a  great  many  times,  but  I  have 
never  been  able  to  write  what  seemed  the  right 
thing.  I  shall  try  again  after  you  are  gone." 

"Don't,"  I  said  brusquely.  "There  isn't  the 
ghost  of  a  reason  why  you  should  carry  on  a  cor- 
respondence with  Maud  Lacy.  She  is  a  person  with 
little  or  nothing  to  do,  and  she  has  a  voluminous 
correspondence  already.  I'll  tell  her  you  got  it  all 
right  when  I  get  back.  Now  let's  drop  this  subject 
and  talk  about  ourselves." 

"We  have  been  talking  about  ourselves,"  she  said 
with  her  little  demure  smile.  "I  don't  know  any- 
thing that  could  concern  us  more.  You  see,  I  want 
to  do  the  right  thing,  to  make  you  very  happy. 
Above  all,  your  home  must  be  a  place  where  all  your 
friends  will  be  welcome,  or  it  will  not  be  worth 
calling  a  home." 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  101 

What  could  I  do,  then,  but  take  her  in  my  arms, 
and  assure  he*  that  my  home  was  in  the  heaven  of 
her  eyes,  and  that  if  I  had  my  way  all  else  would  be 
shut  out?  I  managed  to  reassure  her  wholly,  and 
the  rest  of  our  brief  holiday  together  had  no  cloud 
upon  it.  But  when  I  was  away  from  her  I  thought 
a  good  deal  about  Maud  Lacy  and  the  trick  she  had 
played  me.  I  determined  to  have  it  out  with  her 
directly  I  got  back. 

But  when  I  did,  other  things  claimed  my  attention. 
I  found  that  my  father's  activity  on  my  behalf  had 
already  borne  fruit.  I  was  summoned  to  a  meeting 
of  our  directors  in  London,  and  informed  that  they 
had  decided  to  give  me  the  managership  of  their  new 
branch  at  Finchley. 

Hester  and  I  were  married  in  October  of  the  same 
year. 


CHAPTER  VI 

When  we  settled  in  Finchley  the  building  boom 
in  the  northern  suburbs  was  just  beginning.  The 
bank  premises  occupied  a  commanding  site  in  the 
main  thoroughfare,  and  had  a  line  of  new  shops  with 
dwellings  above  stretching  away  to  the  right  towards 
Whetstone.  We  had  a  commodious  modern  house 
above  the  bank,  of  which  we  were  the  first  tenants, 
but  there  was  no  garden.  We  felt  the  deprivation 
less,  however,  as  we  had  woods  and  fields  within 
a  stone's  throw.  The  beautiful  old  houses  flanking 
both  sides  of  the  Great  North  Road  were  still  the 
homes  of  those  who  had  family  associations  with 
the  neighborhood,  and  who  were  loath  to  go.  But 
the  doom  of  some  had  already  been  pronounced; 
great  hoardings  were  to  be  seen  here  and  there 
behind  the  front  railings  of  delectable  gardens,  and 
the  activity  of  the  speculative  builder  was  in  the 
air.  Two  means  of  communication  with  London 
were  open  to  us :  the  train  to  King's  Cross,  and  the 
rumbling,  old-fashioned  green  omnibus  which  ran 
between  Finchley  and  Oxford  Circus,  taking  nearly 
two  hours  in  the  process.  Hester  loved  that  omni- 
bus, and  invariably  travelled  by  it  when  going  in 
alone  or  to  meet  me  in  town.  These  were  leisurely 

102 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  103 

days  with  us,  and  very  happy  ones,  though  the  first 
year  of  our  married  life  was  not  without  its  keen 
anxieties. 

To  start  a  new  branch  of  a  business  anywhere  is  a 
crucial  test  of  a  man,  and  if  responsibility  makes 
a  man,  then  undoubtedly  I  found  myself  with  enough 
on  my  shoulders.  My  directors  did  not  worry  me, 
that  was  no  part  of  their  policy,  but  they  watched 
with  Argus  eyes,  noted  every  turn  and  twist,  every 
indication  of  progress;  I  sometimes  imagined  that 
they  spotted  a  new  customer  by  instinct. 

They  were  just  masters,  but  at  no  time  conspicuous 
for  generosity.  They  gave  their  servants  their  due, 
nothing  more. 

My  father's  words  to  me  on  the  last  night  I  spent 
under  his  roof  often  returned  to  me  after  I  was 
entirely  outside  his  jurisdiction. 

"Remember,  boy,  that  your  first  and  most  insist- 
ent duty  to  the  bank  is  success.  I  might  say  it  was 
the  last,  as  well  as  the  first.  It  is  only  success  in 
your  branch  which  will  justify  your  right  to  exist 
where  they  are  concerned.  A  bank  is  not  a  philan- 
thropic institution;  it's  a  business  without  bowels. 
You  are  put  there  to  get  customers.  If  you  don't 
get  them,  you're  no  use.  Get  them  honestly  if  you 
can,  but  get  them  at  any  price." 

There  was  a  twinkle  in  his  eye  as  he  made  the 
latter  part  of  his  deliverance,  but  before  I  fell  asleep 
that  night,  the  prospect  rather  appalled  me.  Suppos- 
ing I  should  be  a  complete  failure!  Supposing 
for  some  reason  or  another  no  custom  should  come 


104  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

to  the  bank;  supposing  other  rivals  rushed  in  and 
grabbed  every  available  depositor;  supposing  I  was 
unpopular,  what  would  happen?  I  beheld  myself 
ignominiously  dismissed,  seeking  work,  taking  a 
subordinate  place,  reducing  Hester  to  the  life  that 
goes  with  the  wages  of  a  bank  clerk.  All  this  hide- 
ous panorama  unfolded  before  me;  I  set  my  teeth 
and  swore  to  succeed.  And  I  did. 

What  constitutes  success  in  life,  more  particularly 
business  success  ?  What  are  the  qualities  which  will 
ensure  it  ?  If  I  could  satisfactorily  answer  these  two 
questions,  could  tabulate  some  infallible  rules  of 
conduct,  some  definite  and  unassailable  lines  to  go 
upon,  I  should  earn  the  gratitude  of  thousands  of 
anxious  men  and  women  all  over  the  world.  But 
frankly  I  cannot.  Get  custom,  as  my  father  put 
it  —  that  is  the  goal ;  but  how  to  attain  it  ?  I 
believe  that  success  in  life  belongs  to  the  very  essence 
of  being.  It  is  personality  that  does  it,  something 
elusive  and  individual,  and  which  cannot  be  passed 
on.  You  see  two  boys  given  precisely  the  same 
equipment,  the  identical  chance  —  one  soars,  the 
other  remains  stationary  or  goes  down. 

The  one  who  soars  may  very  easily  be  the  grosser 
and  inferior  of  the  two;  it  may  be  the  very  fineness 
of  fibre  in  the  other's  being  which  militates  against 
his  success.  In  my  own  case  I  was  not  hampered  by 
any  over-sensitiveness.  Snubs  sat  lightly  upon  me. 
I  had  no  difficulty  in  smiling  on  the  man  who  had 
tried  to  set  me  down.  Naturally  good-tempered, 
this  was  no  particular  effort  to  me,  and  there  are 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  105 

few  things  which  succeed  more  readily  than  an  even 
temper.  It  smooths  the  way  for  everything.  The 
man  who  is  always  looking  out  for  slights,  who  has 
rights  to  stand  on,  who  takes  the  chaff  or  the  opposi- 
tion of  his  fellows  as  deadly  insults,  hasn't  a  chance. 
Hester  was  much  interested,  of  course,  in  the  bank, 
but  I  fancy  she  never  understood  its  operations.  At 
my  own  home,  business  had  seldom  been  mentioned 
in  the  house,  and  insensibly  I  began  to  go  upon  these 
lines.  We  used  to  have  a  little  rejoicing  over  a  new 
customer,  however,  and  when  we  had  six  in  one  week 
we  decided  we  could  afford  a  dinner  in  town  and  a 
play.  It  was  all  very  fresh  and  sweet  and  delightful 
at  the  beginning,  and  there  were  few  happier  than 
we  were,  even  during  that  first  year,  so  apt  to  be  the 
crucial  one  in  married  life. 

We  had  furnished  simply,  and  I  found,  when  we 
came  to  make  choice  of  things,  that  Hester's  taste 
was  a  little  austere.  She  did  not  care  how  little  she 
had  in  the  house,  but  that  little  must  pass  the  stand- 
ard of  her  taste. 

"I  can't  live  with  ugly  things,  Gilbert,"  she  said 
a  little  wistfully  as  we  stood  undecided  in  front  of  a 
massive  Georgian  sideboard  which  had  appealed  to 
me  by  reason  of  its  solidity.  "Just  think  of  that 
terrible  thing  in  our  small  green  dining  room!  It 
would  dominate  everything.  Unless  you  are  very 
set  on  it,  let  us  have  this." 

"This"  was  a  small,  spindle-legged  thing,  with  a 
bow  front  and  a  brass  rail  behind,  which  she  had 
fallen  in  love  with.  The  craze  for  old  things  and 


io6  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

their  consequent  imitations  was  not  then  so  much 
in  vogue.  Carved  oak,  designed  and  made  in  Tot- 
tenham Court  Road,  very  black  in  hue,  and  very 
heavily  carved,  represented  the  giddy  heights  to 
which  most  suburban  furnishers  soared.  Hester 
would  have  none  of  it. 

"Don't  let  us  have  imitations,  Gilbert,"  she  said. 
"We  shall  end  by  being  imitations  ourselves." 

I  gave  in,  of  course,  as  every  reasonable  man  does 
in  the  circumstances.  The  person  who  has  to  spend 
the  principal  part  of  her  time  among  the  household 
gods  has  surely  the  right  to  first  choice.  Hester 
created  a  pretty  and  rather  unusual  home  out  of 
slender  resources,  and  put  upon  it  the  stamp  of  her 
own  individuality.  Its  very  simplicity  and  aus- 
terity seemed  to  reflect  certain  moods  of  her  soul. 
She  was  just  twenty-six,  but  already  she  had  learned 
the  invaluable  lesson  of  doing  without.  Small 
deprivations  never  troubled  her;  she  could  always 
wait  for  the  coming  good.  I,  on  the  other  hand, 
was  generally  impatient  to  possess;  when  we  saw 
things  in  shop  windows  we  coveted  for  our  house, 
I  would  have  rushed  in  and  bought  without  reflec- 
tion. Hester  was  more  prudent.  Our  house  was 
generally  admired  by  such  of  our  old  friends  as  found 
us  in  our  somewhat  inaccessible  suburb,  and  by  the 
few  new  ones  we  had  made  chiefly  through  our 
connection  with  St.  Luke's  Church.  All  the  Lacys 
came  except  Maud,  who,  while  we  were  on  our 
honeymoon,  had  gone  to  Jersey  to  pay  a  long  visit 
to  a  school  friend  lately  settled  there. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  107 

But  one  day,  after  we  had  been  married  about 
two  months,  when  I  went  up  to  tea  I  found  her  in 
the  dining  room  alone,  looking  about  her  with  very 
bright,  critical  eyes.  Hester  was  in  the  kitchen, 
presumably  getting  tea,  our  Belgian  maid,  Babette 
of  La  Grenade  fame,  having  gone  to  spend  her 
monthly  holiday  with  her  married  sister  at  Hammer- 
smith. It  was  a  cold  day  in  December,  and  Maud 
looked  very  handsome  in  her  furs,  which  sat  becom- 
ingly on  her  rich  crimson  costume. 

"So  there  you  are,  Gib,  quite  an  old  married 
man,"  she  said  in  her  friendliest  tone.  "Surprised 
to  see  me,  and  when  did  I  come  home?  Oh,  last 
Saturday!  You  see,  I  haven't  lost  much  time 
coming  to  see  your  show.  I  say,  what  style  is  this 
— pre-Raphaelite,  is  it?  —  looks  a  tiny  bit  skimpy 
to  my  mind." 

I  smiled,  and  suggested  that  she  should  consult 
Hester  about  the  proper  designation  for  her  dining 
room. 

"Hope  I  haven't  come  at  a  very  inconvenient 
season,  for  I  had  made  up  my  mind  that  if  the 
atmosphere  was  friendly  I  might  stay  the  night. 
You  see,  it  is  rather  a  long  way  from  Helston  to 
here.  It  has  taken  me  since  half-past  twelve  actu- 
ally to  accomplish  the  journey." 

I  felt  a  trifle  dismayed,  for  it  was  Hester's  birthday, 
and  we  had  arranged  a  little  outing  together  in 
London,  meaning  to  dine  at  an  Italian  restaurant 
in  Arundel  Street,  and  go  to  some  play.  Babette's 
day  off  had  been  arranged  accordingly. 


io8  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

"Did  you  say  anything  to  Hester  about  it?"  I 
asked  rather  lamely. 

"Not  yet,  only  just  come,  but  I  don't  want  to 
make  myself  a  nuisance." 

"You  couldn't  be  that,"  I  answered.  "I'll  just 
see  what  Hester  is  about." 

I  went  along  the  passage,  entered  the  kitchen,  and 
shut  the  door.  Hester,  with  her  brows  puckered, 
and  rather  an  odd  look  on  her  sweet  face,  was  busily 
cutting  bread  and  butter.  I  closed  the  door,  took 
the  knife  from  her  hand,  and  clasped  her  in  my  arms. 

"Beastly  nuisance,  isn't  it,  wifie?  But — what 
can  we  do?" 

"Nothing  except  make  her  welcome,  and  perhaps 
she  won't  stay  very  long,"  she  said  cheerfully. 

I  groaned  in  spirit. 

"She  has  just  asked  whether  she  can  stay  the 
night." 

"Oh,  Gilbert,  and  spoil  our  little  outing;  we  can't 
take  her;  oh,  don't  let  us!" 

There  was  a  note  of  passion  in  her  voice,  which 
might  have  assured  me  that  it  was  a  matter  of 
moment  to  her. 

"I  don't  want  to,  goodness  knows,"  I  said  fer- 
vently. ' '  But  how  can  we  refuse  ?  When  I  think  of 
all  the  dinners  and  teas  and  other  kinds  of  hospitality 
I've  had  at  her  father's  house,  what  am  I  to  say — 
but  it's  beastly,  Hester " 

I  relieved  my  feelings  by  kicking  a  chair  leg 
loudly  enough  to  be  heard  some  distance  beyond 
the  kitchen. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  109 

"But  she  hasn't  brought  any  things,  not  even  a 
dressing-case,  unless  she  has  left  it  somewhere,"  said 
Hester,  clutching  at  a  straw. 

"I  suppose  she  thinks  you'll  lend  her  the  needful," 
I  answered.  "That's  how  they  are  at  Lacys',  you 
know;  they  are  the  most  casual  people  on  earth. 
I  've  often  borrowed  pajamas  and  things  there  when 
I  stopped  unexpectedly.  They  don't  think  any- 
thing about  it.  It  isn't  an  unusual  proceeding  on 
her  part,  I  assure  you." 

She  did  not  look  very  pleased.  She  could  not 
imagine  any  circumstances  in  which  she  would 
behave  like  that;  she  was  extraordinarily  fastidious 
about  her  personal  belongings,  and  I  could  see  did 
not  even  relish  the  thought  of  lending  things  to 
Maud. 

"I'll  do  whatever  you  want,  Gilbert,  of  course. 
Just  go  back  to  Miss  Lacy  and  give  me  a  minute 
or  two  to  recover.  It  will  be  quite  all  right;  yes, 
dear,  really  it  will." 

It  was.  I  went  back  to  Maud,  and  tried  to  make 
conversation,  or  rather  listen  to  her,  all  the  time 
wondering  how  the  rest  of  the  day  was  to  be  got 
through. 

Presently  Hester  came  in,  carrying  the  tray,  and 
her  face  wore  a  look  of  perfect  composure. 

"Gilbert  says  you  would  like  to  stay  the  night, 
Miss  Lacy.  If  you  will,  I  can  give  you  all  you  will 
require,  and  perhaps  you  will  enjoy  going  into  town 
to  dinner  with  us.  My  little  maid  is  out,  and  we  had 
planned  that." 


no  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

"Oh,  I  should  simply  love  it!"  cried  Maud  glee- 
fully. "Thank  you  ever  so  much,  Mrs.  Trent,  but 
mayn't  I  call  you  Hester?  Please  say  I  may  call  her 
Hester,  Gibbie,  then  I  shall  feel  that  we  really  are 
going  to  be  all  pally  together." 

I  saw  a  tremor  cross  Hester's  face,  and  she  busied 
herself  about  the  tea-table.  Then,  when  Maud 
repeated  the  question,  she  looked  straight  at  her, 
smiled  quite  sweetly,  yet  with  some  aloofness. 

"In  a  little  while,  when  we  have  known  one 
another  longer,  if  you  please,"  she  said  simply  and 
candidly.  "I  am  a  little  old-fashioned  and  school- 
marmy,  perhaps,  in  some  things.  My  husband  will 
tell  you  that." 

I  imagined  it  was  Maud's  turn  to  look  a  little 
askance.  It  was  not  so  much  at  Hester's  refusal  of 
these  outward  tokens  of  an  intimacy  that  did  not, 
and  never  could  exist,  as  at  the  two  words  "my  hus- 
band." I  know  that  now,  though  it  did  not  occur 
to  me  at  the  time.  But  there  was  invisible  war  in 
the  air,  a  sort  of  unacknowledged  hostility  between 
these  two  women  from  the  first  moment  of  their 
meeting.  Afterwards  it  had  to  do  with  affairs, 
but  at  first  it  was  undoubtedly  an  enmity  of  the  soul. 

Maud  laughed  it  off  quickly. 

"And  I  'm  afraid  I  'm  just  the  reverse — very  rapid 
and  up  to  date,  Gibbie,  eh?  I  keep  rubbing  my 
eyes  and  asking  myself  whether  it  is  actually  you 
shut  up  in  this  dear  little  hencoop  with  a  wife  of 
your  own,  a  responsible  head  of  a  house.  I  can't 
help  laughing  about  it,  Mrs.  Trent,  really.  I've 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  in 

known  him  so  long,  and  have  so  seldom  seen  him 
serious." 

' '  Come  now,  Maud,  do  try  to  be  serious  for  once. 
Tell  us  something  about  Jersey.  I  hope  your  for- 
eign travel  has  improved  your  mind." 

"I've  been  living  with  another  newly  married 
couple  and  taking  copious  notes,"  she  said  as  she 
helped  herself  to  bread  and  butter.  "It's  really 
most  frightfully  interesting  to  watch  one's  friends 
in  the  new  estate.  They  break  out  in  all  sorts  of 
unexpected  places,  but  on  the  whole  I  think  matri- 
mony has  a  depressing  effect  on  most  people.  They 
look  uncommonly  as  if  they  felt  that  they  were  in 
a  cage  and  did  not  know  how  to  escape." 

"Is  that  how  we  strike  you?"  inquired  Hester, 
smiling  reassuringly  across  the  table  at  me.  Now 
that  she  had  faced  the  inevitable  her  serenity  of 
mind  returned  to  her  flawless. 

She  could  not  have  disliked  the  situation  more 
heartily  than  I. 

Most  men,  given  choice,  would  place  a  wide  gulf 
between  the  woman  of  the  past  and  the  woman  of 
the  present.  We  got  through  the  evening  not  so 
badly.  About  six  o'clock  we  went  by  train  to 
London,  and  took  a  cab  to  Arundel  Street.  Out  of 
compliment  to  our  guest  we  did  not  wear  evening 
dress,  so  that  our  little  outing  was  shorn  of  part  of 
its  charm.  We  loved  playing  at  being  rich  and  great, 
and  Hester  was  always  ready  to  enter  into  the 
spirit  of  happy  fooling  which  does  so  much  towards 
brightening  lives  which  might  otherwise  be  a  little 


ii2  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

monotonous  and  gray.  But  that  night  she  was 
rather  silent,  partly,  I  suppose,  because  Maud  chat- 
tered so  incessantly.  She  was  really  an  amusing 
companion,  and  her  comments  on  men  and  things 
always  had  a  little  point  which  just  hit  off  their 
weakness.  She  made  use  of  one  sentence,  I  thought, 
with  needless  frequency.  It  was — ' '  Do  you  remem- 
ber this,  Gibbie?"  and  "Do  you  remember  that?" 
until  I  was  weary  and  irritated,  besides  fearful  of 
its  effect  on  Hester.  Somehow  she  managed  to 
convey  the  impression  that  before  Hester  and  I  met, 
all  my  spare  time  had  been  spent  with  her,  and  that 
our  mutual  past  was  simply  a  network  of  memories 
from  which  neither  of  us  could  escape. 

I  tried  to  regard  it  lightly,  to  attribute  it  to  Maud's 
bad  taste  and  inherent  lack  of  good  breeding,  but 
at  the  moment  of  writing  I  am  inclined  to  put  it 
down  to  mere  devilish  cruelty. 

She  hated  my  wife;  she  was  angry  because  I  had 
married  her,  not  so  much  out  of  the  desire  to  marry 
me  herself,  as  the  grudging  of  a  jealous  nature  which 
always  aimed  at  being  first. 

Contrasting  the  two  women  as  they  sat  together 
at  the  round  table  under  the  soft  lights  of  the  restau- 
rant, I  felt  profoundly  thankful  that  I  had  been 
so  fortunate  as  to  win  Hester  for  my  wife.  The 
contrast  between  them  was  certainly  marked  to 
poignancy. 

Maud,  with  her  high  coloring  and  flashing, 
rather  bold  eyes,  always  attracted  the  gaze  of  the 
casual  man,  and  most  of  them  looked  twice.  Such 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  113 

scrutiny  never  put  her  out;  in  fact  she  welcomed  it 
as  her  right.  She  knew  that  she  was  attractive, 
and  such  unspoken  flattery  was  the  wine  and  incense 
of  her  .life.  In  Helston  she  did  not  now  receive 
very  much;  she  was  too  well  known.  My  wife 
was  like  a  Madonna  lily  beside  some  brilliant  exotic. 
Her  clear,  pale  face,  which  had  nothing  unhealthy 
about  it,  her  sweet,  serious  eyes,  her  very  rare  smile, 
her  air  of  daintiness  and  neatness,  and  above  all 
her  complete  unconsciousness  of  self  seemed  to 
stand  out  that  night.  But  she  was  not  herself, 
and  I  made  a  mighty  resolve  that  we  must  take 
measures  to  secure  ourselves  against  any  repetition, 
or  at  least  against  too  frequent  repetitions  of  such 
an  experience.  But  I  knew  that  if  Maud  once 
established  her  foot  inside  our  house,  she  would 
know  no  weariness  until  she  had  worn  us  both  out. 
She  was  so  insistent,  so  overpowering,  so  altogether 
lacking  in  the  finer  sense  of  fitness. 

The  play  we  saw  was  a  thing  of  no  moment. 
Having  booked  no  seats  and  requiring  three,  we  had 
to  take  what  we  could  find.  I  remember  nothing  of 
it  now  but  that  it  was  a  meretricious  and  vulgar 
farce,  dealing  with  the  time-worn  theme  of  a  woman's 
jealousy.  I  saw  that  Hester  was  wearied  of  it 
before  the  close  of  the  first  act,  though  Maud  followed 
it  with  intense  interest,  and  applauded  vigorously  at 
every  stupid  point. 

As  we  descended  the  stairs  I  had  a  sudden  sense  of 
the  aloofness  and  loneliness  of  my  wife's  spirit,  and, 
moved  by  an  impulse  of  pure  sympathy,  I  put  my 


ii4  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

arm  caressingly  about  her  waist,  as  if  to  pilot  her 
through  the  crowd  on  the  rather  dark  staircase. 
Immediately  Maud's  mocking  voice  whispered  in 
my  right  ear: 

"No  spooning  in  pub,  Gibbie.  It's  bad  lorm,  and 
there  isn't  any  use  making  the  other  woman's  mouth 
water." 

How  I  loathed  the  words  and  the  suggestion  they 
contained!  Hester  heard  all,  or  at  least  part,  of  the 
words,  for,  with  a  little  shrinking  gesture,  she  drew 
herself  away,  and  there  was  a  shadow  in  her  eyes.  It 
was  the  beginning  of  the  fear  which  never  afterwards 
slept. 

It  was  nearly  midnight  when  we  got  home,  and 
then  Maud  seemed  in  no  haste  for  bed.  She  was  a 
night-bird  by  nature  and  habit,  one  of  those  whose 
faculties  are  most  alert  and  brilliant  at  the  hour 
when  other  people  are  conscious  of  fag.  She  took 
a  whisky-and-soda  with  me  as  a  matter  of  course. 
I  saw  that  Hester  was  much  astonished. 

"Think  I'm  a  rum  one,  Mrs.  Gib,"  said  Maud  a 
trifle  recklessly.  ' '  If  you  would  try  a  sip,  you  would 
feel  ever  so  much  better.  It  would  bring  the  touch 
of  color  you  need  to  your  face,  wouldn't  it,  Gibbie? 
You  look  most  frightfully  tired." 

"I  am  going  to  bed,"  Hester  announced,  begin- 
ning to  move  towards  the  door. 

"All  right,  good  night.  I'll  follow  in  a  minute  or 
two,  honest  Injun.  I  just  want  to  reel  off  a  few 
more  old  times  with  your  husband.  You  won't 
grudge  me  that,  I'm  sure." 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  115 

"It's  time  we  were  all  abed,"  I  said,  rising  and 
beginning  to  put  away  the  things  in  the  sideboard. 
Hester  had  already  gone,  and  Maud  rose  and  shut 
the  door. 

"Oh,  do  let's  have  a  bit  of  a  pow-pow,  Gibbie,  or 
I  '11  wish  I  had  n't  come.  I  've  simply  oceans  of 
things  to  say  to  you.  Helston  isn't  the  place  it  used 
to  be.  You  Ve  managed  to  take  something  out  of  it 
for  us  all,  and  things  are  so  mighty  dull  at  Hill  Rise. 
I  simply  can't  bear  myself  there  now. 

"How  is  your  mother,  really,  Maud?"  I  asked 
interestedly.  "I  didn't  think  she  was  at  all  well 
at  the  wedding." 

"She  grisles  a  bit,  but  you  see  the  mater  has  had 
such  prime  health  she  simply  can't  stand  it  if  she 
isn't  O.  K.  It's  really  awfully  dull  since  you  went 
away.  I'll  never  be  able  to  stick  the  winter  down 
there.  I'd  like  to  come  to  London." 

4 '  What  for  ?  There 's  plenty  for  you  to  do  at  home 
if  only  you  '11  do  it.  Your  mother  ought  to  be  getting 
a  rest  now." 

' '  Housekeeping  don't  appeal  to  me.  I  couldn't  do 
this  sort  of  thing,"  she  answered  with  a  wave  of  her 
hand  round  the  room.  "I  tell  you  what  I  think, 
Gib.  Girls  should  be  taught  something,  given  a 
definite  occupation  if  only  to  keep  them  out  of  mis- 
chief. If  they  don't  marry,  what's  to  prevent  the 
most  of  them  going  to  the  dogs?" 

There  was  nothing  unusual  about  this  remark. 
Maud  had  never  hesitated  to  call  a  spade  a  spade, 
and  the  talk  between  us  had  often  been  like  talk 


n6  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

between  men.  But  somehow  I  did  not  care  about  it 
now.  I  had  such  a  different  environment ;  already  a 
touch  of  Hester's  fastidiousness  tinged  my  thoughts. 
I  even  wondered  how  I  had  ever  thought  Maud 
Lacy's  type  of  woman  attractive  for  a  moment. 
Maud  was  quick  enough.  If  she  did  not  actually 
guess  my  thought,  she  suspected  its  trend.  She 
yawned  and  threw  her  arms  up. 

"You're  mighty  slow,  Gibbie.  Heavens,  what  a 
change  in  a  couple  of  months!  A  nice  tame  cat 
you  '11  be  in  a  couple  of  years.  I  could  n't  have  be- 
lieved it  unless  I  had  seen  it  with  these  bright  eyes. 
Well,  good  night;  one  more  illusion  gone,  one  more 
tie  snapped!  Good  night." 

She  looked  at  me  rather  daringly  as  our  hands  met, 
and  then  she  suddenly  lifted  her  head  and  kissed  me. 

"I  said  I'd  do  it,  and  I  have,  but  the  flavor's 
gone.  Good  night,  old  married  man.  I  can't  think 
what  you  've  got  in  exchange  for  the  freedom  she 's 
put  in  her  pocket." 

She  went  out  as  she  said  these  words,  and  next 
moment  I  heard  the  door  of  her  room  slam. 

The  atrocious  bad  taste  of  her  remarks,  the  atmos- 
phere she  had  created,  filled  me  with  unspeakable 
disgust  and  loathing.  I  even  put  up  my  hand  to 
brush  away  the  kiss  she  had  left.  I  felt  for  the 
moment  that  I  could  not  go  to  my  wife's  room  until 
I  had  had  a  breath  of  pure  air.  I  lifted  the  window 
and  put  my  head  out  into  the  cold,  starry  night  and 
let  the  frosty  wind  sweep  through  the  room. 

Then  I  sat  down  to  take  a  composing  smoke  and 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  117 

to  ponder  on  what  had  happened.  The  one  gleam 
was  that  Maud,  evidently  deeply  disappointed  with 
her  first  visit  to  us,  would  probably  not  care  to  repeat 
it.  I  fervently  hoped  she  would  not.  There  was 
not  a  chance  of  happiness  or  peace  for  us  in  her 
vicinity. 

I  had  seen  how  perturbed  Hester's  spirit  had  been 
all  the  evening,  and  I  could  not  foretell  how  she 
might  act  in  the  future  if  she  were  often  subjected  to 
this  sort  of  thing.  But  I  was  very  powerless.  I 
could  not  tell  Maud  she  was  unwelcome,  and  she  was 
not  one  to  have  an  intuition  in  any  direction  other 
than  that  which  pleased  herself. 

When  I  got  to  our  room,  I  found  Hester  sitting 
up  in  bed  reading.  She  had  a  little  fluffy  white  wrap 
about  her  shoulders,  which  seemed  to  accentuate  her 
delicacy  of  coloring,  her  pure  sweetness.  I  felt 
mightily  moved.  I  got  down  on  my  knees  by  the 

bed,  and  took  her  hands  in  mine,  and  bent  my  hot 

>•* 

face  on  them.  She  smiled  on  me  with  the  mother- 
look  in  her  eyes. 

"What  is  it,  dear?"  she  said  caressingly,  but 
never  had  I  felt  her  aloofness  more. 

"  I  'm  thanking  God  for  you,  my  darling,  my  own 
wife." 

She  bent  her  head  low  to  mine,  and  for  a  moment 
everything  else  was  blotted  out. 

"Gilbert,"  she  said  suddenly  when  I  rose,  "will 
you  lock  our  door?  I  would  like  it  locked  to-night." 

I  understood  and  shared  her  feeling.  I  walked 
across  the  room  and  softlv  turned  the  key  in  the  lock. 


CHAPTER  VII 

Immediately  we  settled  in  our  new  home  we  began 
to  attend  the  parish  church  of  St.  Luke's.  I  men- 
tion this  because  her  religious  and  church  life 
embodied  so  great  a  part  of  my  wife's  interests  that 
no  portrait  of  her  would  be  complete  without  it. 

In  less  than  a  month's  time  the  rector,  the  Rev. 
Gabriel  Jermyn,  and  his  wife  came  to  call.  I  was 
summoned  by  Babette  to  come  up  from  the  bank, 
and  when  I  entered  the  room  I  experienced  a  moment 
of  painful  and  almost  unconquerable  shyness.  Such 
people  had  not  hitherto  come  much  within  my  region 
of  things. 

I  had  been  brought  up  rather  godlessly.  After 
my  mother's  death  my  father  dropped  all  church- 
going,  and  we  were  outside  the  pale  of  ordinary 
church  life.  Our  Aunt  Sophia,  who  brought  us  up, 
was  a  Dissenter,  and  attended  with  exemplary 
regularity  the  Congregational  Chapel  in  Helston,  of 
which  she  was  a  shining  light.  Every  evening  there 
seemed  to  be  something  on  at  that  vigorous  Bethel, 
and  our  evening  meal  was  always  being  hurried  over 
in  consequence.  My  father  never  grumbled,  how- 
ever. If  his  sister  chose  to  take  her  pleasure  thus, 
he  was  the  last  man  to  interfere.  But  he  forbade 

ill 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  119 

her  to  take  us.  He  had  odd  ideas  about  the  rearing 
of  children,  and  thought  that  they  should  be  allowed 
to  grow  untrammelled  and  unfettered  like  flowers. 
Aunt  Sophia  thought  this  a  shocking  idea,  and  she 
tried  to  do  her  duty  by  private  talks  with  us,  austere 
example,  and  by  prayer. 

All  this  did  not  affect  me  in  the  smallest  degree.  I 
had  little  love  for  Aunt  Sophia,  and  absolutely  no 
respect.  To  me  she  was  merely  a  tiresome  and  un- 
interesting necessity.  She  was  as  plain-looking  as 
my  father  was  handsome.  People  who  are  pleasing 
to  look  at  have  no  idea  of  their  power  over  the  young 
mind.  It  is  an  odd  trait  in  the  child's  character  that 
while  he  will  positively  love  and  adore  an  ugly  inani- 
mate object,  such  as  a  battered  wooden  doll  or  the 
mere  remnant  of  a  horse,  he  will  not  forgive  ugliness 
in  a  human  being.  It  seems  to  outrage  his  sense 
of  fitness,  and  he  seldom  fails  to  make  his  opinion 
known.  I  believe  that  Aunt  Sophia,  a  good-living, 
well-meaning  sort  of  woman,  had  a  very  poor  time  of 
it  in  our  house. 

My  regular  church-going,  then,  may  be  said  to 
have  commenced  with  my  marriage.  It  never 
occurred  to  Hester  that  there  was  any  other  way  of 
spending  the  Sunday.  I  need  not  deny  that  I  found 
the  new  order  of  things  a  trifle  irksome. 

At  Helston  it  had  been  my  invariable  custom  to 
sleep  late,  unless  a  golf  match  or  other  form  of  sport 
took  me  early  afield,  to  lounge  about  in  the  garden  or 
the  house  till  our  early  dinner,  and  then  to  sally 
forth  on  my  own  enjoyment  for  the  rest  of  the  day. 


120  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

The  major  part  of  my  Sunday  leisure  had  been  spent 
either  with  the  Lacys,  or  with  some  member  of  their 
family  elsewhere.  Hester  imported  her  school  regu- 
larity of  habit  to  England,  and  our  Sundays  were 
examples  of  order  and  punctuality.  We  rose  at 
eight,  by  which  hour  Babette  had  already  departed 
to  Mass.  After  she  returned  we  breakfasted  and  got 
ready  in  leisurely  fashion  for  church.  As  I  did  not 
work  very  strenuously  in  the  week,  I  had  no  excuse 
for  not  falling  in  with  this  ordained  program,  but 
sometimes  I  was  not  very  cordial  about  it.  St. 
Luke's  was  a  most  engaging  place  to  worship  in, 
quite  old  enough  to  have  tradition  and  memory 
attached  to  it,  and  it  possessed  a  very  fine  rood- 
screen  which  admirers  of  church  architecture  trav- 
elled considerable  distances  to  see.  The  service  was 
rather  ornate.  Mr.  Jermyn  belonged  to  an  old  High 
Church  family,  which  could  boast  of  several  ecclesias- 
tical dignitaries,  and  he  had  married  the  younger 
daughter  of  a  peer.  He  was  a  very  earnest,  simple, 
sincere  man,  and  his  wife  one  of  the  most  lovable  of 
women.  My  wife  was  at  home  in  St.  Luke's  from 
the  first  day  she  entered  it ;  her  spirit  simply  nestled 
amid  congenial  influences,  which  left  me  quite  cold. 
Jermyn  was  a  tall,  ascetic-looking  individual  with  a 
pale,  intellectual  face  and  piercing  dark  eyes.  His 
wife,  the  Hon.  Mrs.  Jermyn,  as  she  was  entitled  to 
be  called,  was  just  the  opposite,  short  and  plump  and 
fair,  with  a  merry  eye  and  a  friendly  manner  which 
set  people  at  their  ease  at  once. 

Hester  was  talking  animatedly  when  I  entered  the 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  121 

room,  and  I  could  see  that  she  felt  both  pleased  and 
at  home  with  her  new  visitors. 

"We  are  so  glad  to  welcome  you  and  Mrs.  Trent 
to  Finchley,"  said  Mrs.  Jermyn  as  she  shook  hands 
with  me  with  a  beaming  smile.  "And  I  am  very 
particularly  glad  to  meet  Mrs.  Trent.  She  was  born 
in  India,  so  was  I.  We  shall  have  much  in  common, 
I  feel  sure." 

"But  I  remember  so  little  of  India,"  said  Hester 
quickly.  "It  is  all  like  a  dream.  The  only  thing  I 
can  really  recall  is  my  kind  ayah,  who  was  never 
tired.  I  remember  her  sweet  smile  and  her  crooning 
voice,  and  her  soft  velvet  hand.  I  have  often 
wished  I  could  find  her  again,  to  thank  her  for  com- 
forting me  so  much.  I  was  such  a  queer,  lonely 
child,  afraid  of  the  dark,  and  of  unkind  people.  I 
always  seemed  to  be  shrinking  away." 

I  regarded  Hester  in  amazement,  which  divided 
my  attention,  as  I  shook  hands  with  the  rector  and 
received  his  greeting.  Never  had  I  heard  her  so  self- 
revealing  to  strangers.  Never  even  to  me  had  she 
voiced  these  childish  memories.  Her  cheek  was 
softly  flushed,  her  eyes  glowing  with  a  kind  of  sweet 
radiance;  her  whole  being  seemed  to  live.  The 
rector  immediately  engaged  me  in  eager,  interested 
talk  about  the  prospects  of  the  neighborhood  and 
all  the  changes  that  were  imminent.  I  could  see 
that  he  partly  regretted,  even  while  he  welcomed 
them. 

"We  shall.be  sorry  to  lose  our  remote  and  in- 
dividual charm  and  become  merely  a  suburb,"  he 


122  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

said  frankly.  ' '  But  there  will  be  compensations.  I 
hope  that  the  new  bank  is  prospering." 

The  women  had  already  drawn  themselves  a  little 
apart,  and  were  talking  like  intimate  friends.  I 
assured  him  I  had  no  reason  to  complain,  though 
I  was  bound  to  have  an  anxious  year. 

"All,  but  you  are  young,  and  you  come  at  the 
psychological  moment,"  he  said  kindly.  "There 
must  be  something  invigorating  to  all  the  faculties  in 
building  up  a  new  business.  To  create  something 
is  to  justify  one's  right  to  live." 

They  stayed  to  tea,  and  we  had  a  very  pleasant 
hour  together,  but  all  the  while  I  had  the  inner 
consciousness  that  these  people  were  not  on  my 
plane.  They  talked  of  things  which  I  only  partially 
understood;  they  had  a  code  and  an  ideal  which  to 
me  was  a  sealed  book. 

But  Hester  responded  to  them  apparently  with 
every  fibre  of  her  being.  She  was  a  new  Hester,  and 
I  felt  a  kind  of  dull  jealousy  that  outside  people 
should  be  able  to  have  such  an  effect  upon  her. 

"Oh,  Gilbert,  aren't  they  lovely  people?"  she 
cried  when  they  had  gone.  ' '  I  was  so  afraid  of  their 
coming,  in  case  it  would  make  a  difference  to  me  in 
church." 

"What  kind  of  difference  could  it  possibly  make 
to  you  there?"  I  asked,  much  mystified. 

"Oh,  well,  there  are  people  it  is  better  not  to  know 
at  close  quarters.  I  have  so  much  enjoyed  Mr. 
Jermyn's  preaching,  and  I  do  believe  that,  generally 
speaking,  one  gets  more  good  from  the  average 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  123 

clergyman  when  one  knows  nothing  about  him 
personally." 

I  was  much  struck  with  the  shrewdness  of  that 
remark. 

"After  all,  the  poor  beggars  are  mere  men,"  I 
said  teasingly. 

' '  Oh,  yes,  of  course,  but  some  of  them  I  have  met 
have  not  very  high  ideals.  I  can't  think  how  any 
man  can  dare  to  be  a  clergyman,  aspire  to  teach  and 
to  lead  others,  unless  he  is  himself  set  apart." 

"And  you  think  Mr.  Jermyn  reaches  this  high 
pinnacle?" 

"I  do  think  so.  I  have  heard  a  good  deal  about 
him  already;  in  shops  and  places  one  hears  things. 
Everybody  loves  him,  and  they  spend  every  penny 
of  their  income  in  helping  people.  I  am  so  glad  we 
have  found  such  a  church;  it  will  be  a  tremendous 
help,  Gilbert.  Don't  you  think  so?" 

I  felt  myself  a  little  at  a  loss,  since  I  could  not 
honestly  answer  that  I  expected  or  even  needed  any 
help  in  that  direction. 

I  got  out  of  it  by  inquiring  whether  Mrs.  Jermyn 
had  invited  her  to  the  Rectory. 

"Oh,  yes,  of  course.  I  shall  call  in  the  ordinary 
way,  and  I  shall  so  much  like  taking  a  little  part  in 
the  church  work.  She  was  telling  me  about  her 
mothers'  meeting.  She  has  it  on  Monday  afternoons 
— over  a  hundred — and  they  come,  wet  or  fair.  She 
has  asked  me  to  go  one  Monday  and  help  her  with 
it." 

I  looked  a  little  askance  at  this.     I  had  visions  of 


i24  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

Hester  absorbed  as  Aunt  Sophia  had  been  in  the 
whole  relentless  mesh  of  church  life. 

"I  haven't  any  very  rooted  objection,  only  please 
don't  let  them  make  you  forget  your  duty  to  the 
poor  heathen  you  have  married.  If  it's  missionary 
effect  you  are  after,  there's  quite  a  good  field  here." 

I  spoke  banteringly,  but  there  was  an  underlying 
vein  of  truth  in  the  words.  But  Hester  refused  to 
take  them  seriously.  At  that  time  her  belief  in  me 
was  absolute  and  unassailable.  I  don't  think  she 
had  even  found  out  the  worldliness  of  my  spirit  or 
the  material  nature  of  my  aspirations. 

I  should  have  been  quite  pleased  to  have  started 
our  dual  life  on  lines  a  little  less  exalted,  and  in  my 
innermost  soul  I  felt  rueful  at  beholding  the  long, 
straight  path  in  which  I  was  expected  to  go. 

But  she  was  so  dear  and  so  charming  with  it  all, 
that  not  yet  had  the  trammels  of  her  spirit  begun  to 
fret  mine. 

The  glamour  of  the  new-made  husband  was  still 
over  my  eyes.  Then  I  had  the  hope  of  broadening 
her  mind,  as  I  put  it  to  myself,  unaware  that  certain 
convictions  of  her  nature  were  so  deeply  rooted,  so 
inviolably  a  part  of  herself,  that  she  would  never  set 
them  aside. 

"How  you  love  to  miscall  yourself,  you  wicked 
boy ! ' '  she  said,  patting  my  cheek.  "  It  is  just  for  the 
base  purpose  of  hearing  me  say  nice  things.  But  I 
am  not  going  to  this  time." 

I  kissed  her  and  ran  downstairs  to  close  my 
accounts  for  the  day  with  a  light  heart.  Things  were 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  125 

going  well  with  us,  and  it  pleased  me  to  think  that 
Hester  had  found  some  friends  who  would  add  to  her 
happiness.  Among  others  we  made  through  our 
connection  with  St.  Luke's  Church,  I  must  here 
mention  the  Yuills,  Scotch  people  from  the  neigh- 
borhood of  Dundee.  He  was  a  jute  merchant,  who 
represented  his  firm  in  London,  and  went  to  his  office 
in  town  every  day  in  the  week  except  Sunday.  His 
full  designation  was  Andrew  Scrymegeour  Yuill, 
but  his  sister  Christina,  who  kept  house  for  him, 
called  him  Andy,  and  the  uncouth  middle  name  was 
left  out,  perhaps  in  consideration  for  Southern 
tongues,  which  would  never  have  mastered  the 
intricacies  of  its  pronunciation. 

He  was  a  man  about  thirty-five,  a  long,  gaunt, 
powerful  figure,  who  walked  with  a  vigorous  stride, 
and  possessed  what  is  called  a  "golfing  airm." 

I  met  him  first  on  the  Totteridge  Golf  Links,  where 
I  happened  to  be  engaged  in  a  foursome  with  him. 
He  was  a  first-rate  golfer,  with  a  style  and  swing 
which  were  a  matter  of  hopeless  envy  to  me.  He 
explained  it  by  telling  me  that  his  father  had  been 
one  of  the  most  famous  golfers  ever  seen  on  the  links 
of  St.  Andrews,  and  that  he  had  been  born,  so  to 
speak,  "gowfin." 

He  was  a  delightful  chap,  full  of  quiet  fun,  which 
lost  none  of  its  point  or  pith  because  he  so  seldom 
smiled. 

He  told  me  a  few  things  about  himself,  and  I  soon 
learned  that  he  was  in  an  excellent  way  of  business,  a 
bachelor,  and  that  he  lived  with  his  sister  in  one  of 


126  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

the  most  beautiful  old-world  houses  in  Totteridge 
Lane,  where  he  spent  the  few  hours  of  leisure  he  could 
spare  from  golf  in  the  cultivation  of  orchids  in  a 
small  greenhouse.  Next  day  his  sister  came  to  call. 
She  was  a  large,  easy-going  woman,  with  a  broad, 
kindly  Scotch  face,  wore  rich  but  not  becoming 
clothes,  and  had  a  heart  big  enough  to  hold  the 
whole  world.  When,  soon  after,  Yuill  directed  his 
sister  to  open  their  private  and  household  account 
with  me,  our  friendship  received  a  seal  which  was  of 
great  value  to  me.  I  rather  shocked  Hester  one  day 
by  saying  that  we  must  cultivate  the  people  who 
were  going  to  be  of  use  to  us,  both  financially  and 
socially,  and  that  we  didn't  want  a  tribe  of  hangers- 
on  who  would  do  nothing  for  us. 

She  looked  at  me  with  her  big,  serious  eyes  a  trifle 
ruefully. 

"But,  Gilbert,  friendship  can't  be  built  on  any 
such  basis.  You  don't  cultivate  friends  for  what  you 
are  going  to  get  out  of  them,  but  for  purely  im- 
personal reasons." 

"What  are  they,  my  dear?" 

I  spoke  a  trifle  dryly,  for  I  was  feeling  sore  at  the 
moment  because  Hester  had  fought  shy  of  calling  on 
some  rich  new  people  that  had  come  to  a  house  near 
by,  and  whom  I  wanted  to  get  as  customers  at  the 
bank. 

"Well,  because  you  love  them,  and  because  they 
have  some  message  for  your  soul,"  she  answered 
in  one  of  those  enigmatical  sentences  of  which  at 
times  I  grew  rather  impatient.  What  a  man  admires 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  127 

in  a  sweetheart  sometimes  irritates  in  a  wife.  Why 
this  should  be  so  it  is  impossible  to  say,  since  the 
wife  should  by  all  the  laws  of  nature  and  logic  be  the 
dearer  person. 

"We're  in  the  prosaic  nineteenth  century,  Hester, 
and  struggling  hard  to  make  a  living  in  a  barren 
northern  suburb.  These  ideas  won't  wash,"  I  said 
rather  rudely.  A  little  shadow  seemed  to  droop  over 
her  eyes  at  these  words,  but  when  I  came  in  at  tea- 
time  that  afternoon  she  told  me  she  had  been  to  call 
on  the  Bulstrodes.  They  never  returned  the  call, 
however,  so  that  Hester's  intuition  concerning  them 
had  been  a  perfectly  true  one. 

I  consoled  her  and  myself,  the  only  time  we  spoke 
of  them  again,  by  saying  that  she  had  done  the 
right  thing,  and  that  it  was  necessary  to  leave  no 
stone  unturned  to  ensure  success  in  business. 

"Some  of  the  stones  are  better  left  in  their  places, 
believe  me,  dear,"  she  said  quaintly.  "When  you 
turn  over  a  stone  in  the  field,  or  on  the  road  some- 
times, you  find  things  underneath  you  don't  want 
to  see." 

On  the  whole,  however,  we  had  a  very  successful 
and  happy  first  year,  and  at  the  end  of  it,  when  we 
compared  notes  and  had  a  sort  of  committee  of  ways 
and  means,  we  decided  to  congratulate  ourselves. 
The  bank  was  now  fully  established,  and  my  directors 
had  written  that  very  day  to  express  their  complete 
satisfaction  with  the  manner  in  which  I  had  fulfilled 
their  expectations.  Their  letter  came  by  the  first 
post,  and  was  of  such  importance  that  it  dwarfed  all 


128  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

others.  We  had  not  done  talking  about  it,  when 
Hester,  turning  over  the  other  letters  as  they  lay  on 
the  corner  of  the  table,  showed  me  one  from  Helston. 
It  was  in  Maud  Lacy's  handwriting,  and  somehow 
I  felt  reluctant  to  open  it.  I  may  say  here  that  she 
had  never  paid  another  visit  to  us  at  Finchley,  but, 
meeting  her  one  day  in  London  accidentally,  I  had 
taken  her  out  to  lunch.  But  I  did  not  tell  Hester 
about  that.  After  pondering  the  thing  in  my  mind, 
I  decided  not  to  mention  it.  Whether  I  was  wise  in 
that  I  don't  know.  I  hated  to  see  the  indefinable 
expression  cross  her  face  which  any  allusion  to  or 
even  any  thought  of  Maud  would  bring  to  her  face. 
I  saw  it  now  as  she  pushed  the  floridly  addressed 
envelope  toward  me.  I  opened  it,  assuring  myself 
that  it  could  not  be  of  a  private  nature,  or  Maud 
would  have  found  some  other  means  of  reaching  me. 
She  knew  that  I  had  still  an  address  at  a  small  club 
that  had  premises  in  St.  James's  Square,  but  I  had 
ceased  going  there  since  my  marriage.  I  felt  that 
Hester's  eyes  were  upon  me  as  I  perused  the  few 
lines  it  contained.  With  considerable  relief  I  pushed 
it  toward  her. 

' '  Mrs.  Lacy  is  very  ill,  they  think  dying ;  she  wants 
to  see  me.  I  shall  have  to  go  to-day." 

I  jumped  up,  for  I  felt  my  heart  fill  at  the  thought 
of  losing  my  old  friend.  Hester  rose,  too,  with 
sympathy  in  her  face,  but  somehow  at  the  moment 
I  did  not  want  sympathy  from  her.  I  brushed  past 
her  and  went  off  down  to  the  bank  without  saying 
another  word.  But  in  less  than  half  an  hour  1 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  129 

was  back  again,  repenting  me  of  my  momentary 
indifference. 

"Sorry  I  went  off  as  I  did,  old  woman,  but  this  is 
a  knock-down  blow.  You've  no  idea  what  that 
woman  was  to  me,  Hester,  the  only  mother  I  ever 
knew." 

"I  am  sorry,  dear,  very  sorry,"  she  said  quietly, 
but  her  voice  was  full  of  sympathy. 

"I'm  going  down  by  the  twelve- twenty — care  to 
come?  You  could  go  to  Jane.  She'd  only  be  too 
glad.  We  have  never  redeemed  that  promise  made 
when  she  was  here  last.  Do  come." 

Her  face  brightened. 

"Oh,  I  should  like  to,  if  you  really  want  me, 
Gibbie,"  she  answered,  and  somehow  the  words 
sounded  pathetically.  I  did  not  then  understand 
how  deeply  she  felt  about  the  Lacys,  or  how  she 
was  struggling  against  a  natural  jealousy  of  their 
influence  over  me.  All  that  I  was  to  learn  later, 
when  the  full  record  of  her  hidden  life  was  before  me. 

She  went  off  to  get  ready,  pleased  as  a  child,  and 
we  journeyed  to  King's  Cross,  where  we  got  the 
Helston  train. 

We  went  together  to  my  father's  house,  and  sur- 
prised him  and  Jane  at  lunch. 

Both  seemed  extraordinarily  pleased  to  see  us. 
My  father,  I  may  say,  had  spoken  very  warmly  and 
appreciatively  of  Hester  on  the  solitary  occasion 
he  visited  us  at  Finchley  for  the  week-end,  and  had 
particularly  enjoined  upon  me  the  necessity  of  cher- 
ishing the  jewel  I  had  won. 


i3o  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

' '  She 's  finer  fibre  than  the  women  you  've  known 
up  to  now,  boy.  See  that  you  know  how  to  handle 
her.  A  wound  to  that  spirit  won't  heal  quickly." 

These  words  had  surprised  me  a  good  deal  at  the 
time  —  in  fact,  I  had  had  a  good  many  surprises 
lately.  But  then  what  is  life,  after  all,  but  a  series 
of  surprises,  of  unexpected  happenings?  And  even 
when  the  unexpected  is  poignant  beyond  endurance 
it  accentuates  the  interest  of  the  astonishing  expe- 
rience called  life. 

"They  had  two  specialists  down  yesterday  at  Hill 
Rise,"  Jane  explained  in  answer  to  my  question 
about  Mrs.  Lacy.  "But  they  can't  do  anything. 
It  seems  she  has  known  about  it  for  quite  a  long  time, 
long  before  the  ball  even,  but  she  has  never  told 
any  one." 

I  looked  a  trifle  guilty,  for  she  had  told  me,  and  I 
had  done  nothing  beyond  urging  her  to  rest. 

"But  they  don't  say  that  it  would  have  done  any 
good,  do  they?"  I  asked  in  a  tone  which  my  deep 
feeling  rendered  curt  and  even  harsh. 

"I  don't  think  they  said  that,  but  I'm  so  sorry 
for  them — Mr.  Lacy  is  quite  distracted.  The  chil- 
dren came  from  Brussels  last  night.  It  is  such  a 
pity  Ned  has  gone  to  America  for  his  honeymoon. 
He  can't  possibly  be  back  in  time.  It  was  after  the 
wedding  she  really  collapsed." 

I  rose  from  the  table  and  pushed  back  my  chair. 
I  had  had  enough  to  eat,  and  immediately  left  the 
room  and  went  off  to  Hill  Rise. 

I  called  in  at  the  shop  first,  on  the  off-chance  of 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  131 

finding  Mr.  Lacy,  but  was  told  that  he  had  not 
been  there  for  three  days. 

My  thoughts  were  mournful  as  I  walked  up  the 
familiar  way  between  the  two  long  lines  of  branch- 
ing trees  already  yellow  and  brown  with  the  tints 
of  autumn.  When  Alice  admitted  me  to  the  house  I 
saw  that  she  had  been  crying.  Her  tears  started 
afresh  at  sight  of  me. 

"No,  she  ain't  any  better,  sir;  she  can't  live  more 
than  a  few  hours.  Oh,  it 's  terrible  for  us  all.  No- 
body ever  had  a  better  mistress." 

Hearing  the  voices,  Mr.  Lacy  came  out  of  the 
dining  room  and  wrung  my  hand  in  silence.  He  was 
greatly  changed.  His  fine  presence  seemed  to  have 
shrunk,  his  ruddy,  cheerful  face  was  haggard  and 
wan,  his  eyes  heavy  with  tears. 

"I'll  never  get  over  this,  Gilbert,  never!  The 
Almighty  has  dealt  hardly  with  me!  Everybody 
loved  her,  and  this  house  will  go  to  pieces  without 
her." 

Never  were  words  more  prophetic.  In  less  than 
a  year  they  were  proven  to  the  uttermost.  We  see 
this  sometimes  when  a  wife  and  mother  is  taken, 
and  it  is  then  we  realize  the  enormous  power  of 
womanhood,  its  inexplicable  and  inexhaustible  influ- 
ence. Mr.  Lacy  did  not  go  upstairs  with  me. 

"Fact  is,  Gibbie,  I'm  better  out  of  the  room.  I 
do  nothing  but  cry  like  a  baby,  and  that  upsets  her. 
Say  what  you  can  to  comfort  her.  It's  hard,  by 
God,  it 's  hard,  for  she  does  n't  want  to  die,  and  we 
can't  spare  her." 


i3 2  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

I  could  have  cried  out  at  the  sad  change  a  few 
weeks  had  wrought  in  the  appearance  of  my  old 
kind  friend.  She  smiled  at  me,  however,  with  some- 
thing of  the  old  sweetness,  and  when  I  bent  down 
to  kiss  her  hands  I  left  them  wet  with  my  tears. 

"Dear  Gilbert,  it  was  kind  of  you  to  come.  I  am 
pleased  to  see  you,  because  I  have  just  strength  to 
say  a  few  things  to  you.  Sit  down." 

I  drew  a  chair  forward ;  the  hospital  nurse,  after  a 
word  of  warning  to  me  not  to  stop  too  long,  left  us. 

"How  is  your  wife?" 

"Quite  well;  she  is  in  Helston.  I  left  her  at  my 
father's." 

"I  am  so  pleased  you  are  so  nicely  settled,  Gilbert. 
She  is  such  a  good  woman.  I  am  sure  she  will  make 
you  the  kind  of  home  that  is  best  for  you.  I  am  so 
sorry  to  leave  Bob  and  the  children.  I've  had  a 
happy  life.  I  don't  think  I  would  have  a  single  thing 
altered  in  it." 

I  tried  to  say  something,  but  could  not. 

"  I  'm  not  very  anxious  about  any  of  the  children 
except  Maud.  Audrey  will  be  so  good  for  Ned.  She 
will  make  a  man  of  him.  I  was  so  glad  to  be  kept 
up  for  the  wedding,  and  I  am  really  quite  glad  they 
are  so  far  away  that  they  can't  come.  I  am  depend- 
ing greatly  on  Carrie  to  look  after  her  father  and  the 
rest.  Carrie  is  so  good;  you  have  no  idea,  Gilbert; 
I  have  thanked  God  for  her  every  day  just  now.  She 
thinks  of  everybody,  and  does  everything,  and  is  so 
calm  and  brave.  I  want  you  to  give  an  eye  to  Cyril. 
He  will  be  settled  in  London  lodgings  next  month. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  133 

Ask  Hester  to  be  kind,  and  ask  him  out  sometimes 
on  Sundays.  Now  we  come  to  Maud " 

She  looked  at  me  with  a  kind  of  pathetic  kindness. 

"I  don't  grudge  you  your  happiness,  Gilbert, 
but  I  should  have  died  easier  if  Maud  had  been  your 
wife.  She  ought  to  be  married.  I  can't  think  why 
she  hasn't.  She 's  twenty-seven  now.  Single,  she's 
dangerous  to  the  peace  of  a  great  many  people,  do 
you  understand  ? ' ' 

I  understood  perfectly,  but  I  evaded  the  question. 

"She'll  marry,  right  enough,  and  probably  soon," 
I  said  quickly.  "Don't  worry.  Anyhow,  she's 
entirely  capable  of  looking  after  herself." 

"Oh,  yes,  I  wish  she  were  a  little  less  capable, 
and  God  forgive  me  if  I  misjudge  her,  but  she  seems 
to  have  so  little  heart.  She  is  so  flippant  about 
everything,  and  her  ideas  on  moral  questions  are 
rather  loose.  I  can't  think  where  she  got  them, 
for  her  father  and  I  have  always  been  most  strict. 
How  does  that  sort  of  nature  come  into  a  family, 
I  wonder?" 

I  shook  my  head.  All  my  concern  was  that  she 
should  be  so  anxious  and  so  troubled,  and  I  wanted 
to  reassure  her. 

"If  she  could  be  friends,  real  friends,  with  your 
wife,  Gibbie,  it  might  be  good  for  her.  Just  now  I 
don't  make  her  out  at  all.  She  hardly  ever  comes 
into  my  room.  I  try  to  think  she  feels  it  all  so  des- 
perately that  she  can't  bear  it,  but,  after  all,  that 
is  just  a  form  of  selfishness.  Carrie  suffers  quite  as 
much,  but  crushes  it  down,  because  there  is  so  much 


i34  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

to  do  for  me."  She  closed  her  eyes  and  lay  still  and 
silent  for  a  few  moments. 

"It's  all  such  a  mystery,  Gilbert,  isn't  it,  life  and 
death  and  the  hereafter?  I  can't  say  I  feel  much 
afraid,  only  I  don't  know  or  believe  anything.  I 
mean  I  don't  feel  sure,  don't  you  know,  about 
Heaven  and  all  the  things  our  religion  teaches  us. 
But  I  have  tried  to  be  kind  to  as  many  people  as  I 
could,  and  I  feel  as  if  God  would  not  judge  me 
hardly  on  the  other  side." 

I  broke  down  then  and  tried  to  tell  her  of  all  she 
had  been  to  me  and  to  others  I  had  known,  and  I 
think  it  comforted  her  a  little. 

But  there  was  no  sort  of  triumph  or  assurance 
about  her  deathbed. 

She  was  sorry  to  go,  only  just  resigned  to  the 
inevitable,  and  no  more.  It  was  all  too  painful. 
I  felt  my  heart  heavy  as  lead  as  I  kissed  her  and  went 
out  of  the  room,  bowing  to  the  inexorable  decree  of 
the  nurse.  I  was  asking  her  a  few  questions  when 
Maud  came  out  of  her  room  which  was  on  the  other 
side  of  the  landing. 

She  was  rather  paler  than  usual,  and  her  eyes 
shone  hard  and  bright. 

"So  it's  you,  Gilbert.  Heard  you  were  expected. 
Very  good  of  you,  I'm  sure,  to  come  down  to  this 
dismal  house.  Rotten,  I  call  it,  perfectly  rotten; 
why  can't  people  go  on  living  till  they  are  quite 
old,  and  then  sleep  away?  All  this  makes  life 
hideous.  It  's.inartistic,  to  begin  with,  and  altogether 
horrible  t" 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  135 

I  felt  no  inclination  to  linger  and  talk  to  her.  Her 
point  of  view  repelled  me  too  much.  I  murmured 
something,  and  with  a  hasty  good-bye  went  out  of 
the  house. 

Mrs.  Lacy  died  next  day. 


CHAPTER  VIII 

Within  a  year  the  grave  in  old  Helston  churchyard 
was  reopened  for  Mr.  Lacy.  His  was  one  of  the  rare 
instances  of  a  perfect  love  and  devotion  on  the  hus- 
band's part.  No  child,  however  attentive  and 
devoted,  could  make  up  for  what  he  had  lost;  life 
without  her  became  intolerable,  so  he  died. 

Physicians  assure  us  that  mind  has  so  much  con- 
trol over  matter  that  it  is  possible  to  will  to  live. 
Mr.  Lacy  was  an  instance  of  mind  ordaining  that 
life  was  no  longer  worth  living.  There  was  no 
tragedy.  He  simply  slackened  his  hold,  allowed 
himself  to  drift  out,  to  use  my  father's  words, 
"having  lost  the  mainspring,  the  watch  stopped." 

I  do  not  defend  Mr.  Lacy's  action,  because, 
looked  at  from  the  ordinary  standpoint,  he  had  much 
to  live  for — his  six  children,  some  of  them  young, 
his  business,  the  place  he  had  made  for  himself 
in  his  native  town.  I  simply  relate  it  as  an  odd 
instance  of  the  relentless  forces  which  suddenly 
swoop  down  upon  a  man,  and  also  because  the 
death  of  my  old  friends  within  a  year  of  one  another 
had  an  important  effect  on  my  own  life. 

To  my  surprise,  I  found  myself  one  of  the 
trustees  under  Mr.  Lacy's  will.  He  had  occasionally 

136 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  137 

consulted  me  about  investments  of  late  years.  I  may 
mention  without  vanity  that  I  was  very  successful 
in  guiding  my  client's  interests  in  such  directions, 
but  I  had  not  an  intimate  knowledge  of  his  affairs. 

It  was  after  the  funeral,  on  a  bitter  January  day, 
in  the  dining  room  at  Hill  Rise,  that  the  will  was 
read,  and  I  learned  for  the  first  time  that  Mr.  Lacy 
had  accumulated  a  considerable  fortune. 

He  had  left,  outside  of  the  business,  which  was  in 
a  flourishing  condition,  the  sum  of  forty-five  thousand 
pounds.  This,  divided  among  five  children  (for 
Ned,  receiving  the  business  and  the  house,  was  left 
out  of  the  monetary  legacies),  was  a  comfortable 
competency  for  each  child.  Ned  and  I  were  left 
sole  executors  with  full  powers  to  act  for  the  minors. 
Thus  it  was  ordained  that  I  should  not  sever  my 
connection  with  the  Lacys,  but,  on  the  contrary, 
be  more  associated  with  them  than  ever. 

During  the  last  year  I  had  been  several  times  at 
Helston  without  Hester,  who  was  not  then  very  able 
to  travel  about,  and  had  ample  opportunity  of 
observing  how  matters  were  going  with  the  house- 
hold. 

Though  Maud  was  the  eldest  of  the  family,  it 
was  Carrie  who  took  charge  and  care  of  it  all.  Dur- 
ing that  year  Maud  was  very  restless  and  unsettled ; 
the  quiet  enjoined  by  their  mourning  was  irksome 
to  her,  the  whole  sad  change  that  had  swept  over 
their  outlook  and  environment  hateful. 

She  had  said  so  to  me  quite  frankly  on  more  than 
one  occasion  when  I  saw  her  both  in  Helston  and  in 


138  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

London.  She  had  rather  a  fine  singing  voice,  and 
in  order  to  fill  up  the  gap  and  give  her  something 
definite  to  do,  she  began  to  take  lessons  from  a 
first-rate  teacher  in  London,  paying  for  them  out 
of  the  handsome  allowance  her  father  made  her  for 
dress. 

Being  in  deep  mourning,  she  did  not  need  so  many 
changes  of  raiment,  and  evidently  she  had  set  her 
heart  on  her  new  pursuit,  and  was  determined  to 
succeed  in  it.  She  had  even  the  idea  of  making  her1 
debut  on  the  concert  platform  in  due  course.  The 
income  she  would  now  receive  from  her  father's 
legacy  would  remove  every  obstacle  from  her  path. 

I  knew  her  sufficiently  well  to  be  assured  she  would 
not  permit  any  real  or  fancied  obligation  to  her  young 
brother  and  sisters  to  stand  in  her  way. 

I  saw  her  eye  brighten  when  the  will  was  read,  and, 
leaning  across  the  table,  she  spoke  to  old  Grigsby, 
the  Helston  lawyer,  rather  quickly: 

"Does  that  mean  that  we  have  eight  thousand 
pounds  each  for  our  sole  use  and  benefit,  Mr. 
Grigsby?" 

"Yes,  Miss  Lacy,  about  that." 

I  saw  her  clasp  her  nervous  hands. 

"Oh,  good!  I  am  very  thankful!  It  will  make 
everything  easy!" 

She  spoke  with  a  softer  note  in  her  voice,  and  I 
believe  that  at  the  moment  she  actually  blessed  the 
parent  who  had  devoted  the  whole  fruits  of  his  toil 
to  the  benefit  of  the  children. 

Of  the  remaining  five  thousand  pounds,  two  were 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  139 

to  be  used  for  the  immediate  purposes  of  the  business, 
and  the  balance  was  devoted  to  charitable  legacies 
and  remembrances  to  certain  employees.  It  was 
a  very  just  and  well-considered  will,  carefully 
thought  out  in  every  detail.  Many  thought  that 
Ned  received  the  lion's  share,  and  certainly  he  is 
now  a  millionaire,  but  apparently  Mr.  Lacy  had 
thought  it  all  out  carefully,  and,  of  course,  the  sub- 
sequent developments  of  the  business  were  mainly 
owing  to  Ned's  enterprise  and  foresight,  which  he 
began  to  exhibit  in  a  marked  degree  after  he  became 
the  responsible  head  of  the  concern. 

Mrs.  Ned  was  there  that  day,  a  striking  and  ele- 
gant figure  in  her  deep  mourning,  which  she  wore 
with  that  indefinable  distinction  you  see  in  the  well- 
bred.  Between  her  and  Maud  there  was  a  great 
gulf  fixed,  and  not  the  smallest  attempt  at  intimacy 
or  even  friendliness  was  made.  Maud  heartily 
hated  and  envied  her  somewhat  aristocratic  sister- 
in-law,  and  openly  pitied  Ned  for  having  so  rapidly 
become,  in  her  favorite  parlance,  ''a  tame  cat." 

But  his  marriage  was  far  and  away  the  best  event 
in  Ned  Lacy's  life.  He  was  caught  just  at  the  critical 
moment,  when  he  had  begun  to  deteriorate  both 
mentally  and  morally,  and  she  lifted  him  high  to 
a  safe  place. 

They  had  now  a  beautiful  little  son,  six  months  old, 
and  fatherhood  had  added  the  crowning  touch  to 
his  nature.  I  conceived  a  new  respect  for  him  that 
day,  and  could  even  imagine  him  in  years  to  come  a 
man  something  like  his  father,  cherishing  high  ideals 


i4o  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

of  public  and  private  responsibility,  and  leaving  his 
mark  upon  his  own  place. 

It  was  easy  to  see  that  in  his  handsome,  highly 
bred  wife  he  had  a  pilot  that  would  suffer  his  ship 
of  fate  to  make  no  mistakes  nor  to  deviate  a  hair's 
breadth  from  the  proper  course. 

The  younger  children  exhibited  little  interest  in 
the  financial  part  of  the  scheme,  though  Cyril  was 
evidently  glad  that  he  would  be  able  to  pursue  his 
career  in  peace.  He  had  taken  up  electrical  engi- 
neering, then  in  its  infancy,  and  seemed  likely  to 
achieve  much  success  in  it. 

Hill  Rise  being  left  to  Ned's  wife  as  a  free  gift,  it 
became  a  question  where  the  rest  of  the  family  were 
to  live.  There  was  a  codicil  to  the  will  indicating 
that  if  after  consultation  it  would  seem  a  suitable 
arrangement,  they  might  go  back  to  the  house  above 
the  shop.  Every  one  except  Maud  grasped  the 
idea  with  evident  delight. 

They  had  all  loved  the  old,  wide  family  house  with 
its  wainscoted  rooms,  rambling  passages,  and  lovely 
old  garden  behind,  and  Carrie  at  least  had  never  felt 
herself  at  home  in  Hill  Rise. 

"I  should  like  that,"  she  said  quietly.  "I  hope 
that  we  shall  be  allowed  to  go  back  to  the  High 
Street.  It  would  be  lovely,  wouldn't  it,  Maud?" 

Maud  shook  her  head. 

"Personally  I  should  hate  it,  but  you  arrange  it 
as  you  like,  Carrie;  I  shall  be  very  little  at  home." 

Quite  coolly  did  Maud  abdicate,  renounce  her 
position  as  head  of  the  motherless  household, 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  141 

finally  shift  her  whole  responsibility  to  Carrie's 
shoulders,  just  as  she  had  done  through  all  the  past 
year. 

Their  mother  had  made  no  mistake.  It  was 
Carrie  who  kept  together  the  remnants  of  the  home, 
and  I  seemed  to  behold  her  in  years  to  come,  still 
keeping  it  together,  and  being  mother  and  sister  in 
one  to  the  three  younger  ones. 

Before  I  went  to  get  my  train  rather  late  that 
evening,  Maud  asked  me  to  come  up  to  her  little 
den  in  the  turret  of  the  Rise. 

"You  can  easily  wait  till  the  half -past  nine; 
you'll  get  home  by  eleven,  Gibbie.  I  want  to  ask 
you  a  few  questions  about  this  money.  What  is 
the  utmost,  properly  invested,  it  will  bring  me  in?" 

"Well,  if  you  take  speculative  risks,  but  that  I 
never  advise  for  women  who  don't  understand  busi- 
ness, you  might  get  five  hundred  a  year  out  of  it." 

"Oh,  good!  Take  speculative  risks!  Why,  of 
course  I  will.  That's  my  nature!  I  was  never  a 
humdrum  sort  of  person,  thank  God!  I  want  to 
live.  Now  I'll  have  my  chance." 

"You  won't  stop  in  Helston,  then?" 

"Good  Heavens,  no;  what  do  you  take  me  for? 
I've  just  been  waiting  for  my  release." 

I  looked  at  her  oddly.  Never  had  she  appeared 
more  handsome.  The  black  clothes,  unbecoming 
to  the  sallow  and  plain,  eminently  suited  her  rich 
coloring,  seemed  even  to  soften  and  glorify  it,  and 
at  the  same  time  to  give  her  an  indefinable  touch  of 
dignity. 


i42  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

"But  you're  the  eldest  daughter.  What  about 
the  others?" 

"The  others — oh,  they  must  look  to  Carrie.  It's 
the  sort  of  thing  she's  cut  out  for.  She's  run  the 
show  all  the  last  year,  and  she  simply  loves  it.  You 
can't  imagine  me  doing  that,  can  you,  Gilbert?" 

I  was  obliged  to  reply  that  I  could  not. 

"I  think  it's  quite  a  good  idea  going  back  to  the 
old  show.  I  can  see  the  kids  like  it.  I  '11  run  down 
and  see  them  often,  I  expect." 

"Then  you  will  go  to  London?" 

"For  a  time  at  least,  and  then  to  Leipzig  or  to 
Italy  for  my  art.  It  will  depend  on  what  Madame 
Bauermeister  advises." 

"So  you  mean  to  cut  yourself  off  entirely  from 
them?" 

"Not  entirely,  but  every  one  is  entitled  to  live  the 
independent  life  as  seems  good  in  his  or  her  sight. 
I  've  had  just  about  as  much  as  I  can  stick  of  Helston. 
I'll  take  a  flat  in  London,  I  think." 

I  made  no  comment  on  this  item  of  information, 
and  Maud,  sitting  down  with  her  elbows  on  her  knees, 
looked  across  the  narrow  floor  space  at  me. 

"Isn't  it  queer  how  things  fall  out?  Little  more 
than  a  year  ago  we  were  all  grubbing  along  here,  and 
getting  a  good  deal  of  fun  out  of  things.  Soon  we  '11 
be  scattered  to  the  four  winds  of  Heaven.  It  seems 
positively  centuries  since  Carrie's  coming-out  ball." 

' '  Indeed  it  does, ' '  I  admitted  readily  enough.  She 
narrowed  her  brows  and  smiled  a  little  at  this 
admission. 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  143 

"Has  it  seemed  long  to  you,  too,  but  it  ought  not? 
Is  the  cage  fretting  you  too?" 

"No,  indeed,"  I  said  indignantly;  "it  is  only  that 
a  great  many  big  things  seem  to  be  happening  in  a 
very  short  space  of  time." 

"Your  father  will  be  the  next,  I  suppose,  in  the 
ordinary  course  of  things,"  she  observed  cheerfully; 
"then  what  will  become  of  Jane?" 

"Time  enough  to  consider  when  the  deluge  comes. 
I  must  positively  go  now,  or  I  '11  miss  my  train." 

"The  missus  all  right  yet?"  she  asked  carelessly 
as  I  turned  to  leave  the  room. 

"She  was  all  right  when  I  left  at  noon,  thank 
you." 

"I  haven't  asked  the  most  important  question  yet, 
after  all.  How  soon  does  this  money  begin  to  be 
paid,  for  I  'm  in  a  hurry  to  leave  Helston?" 

"Old  Grigsby  is  the  person  to  ask;  you  can  go  and 
interview  him  to-morrow  morning." 

' '  I  will,  and  don't  you  mistake  it.  I  'm  rather  glad 
you're  my  trustee,  Gilbert.  You  won't  be  able  to 
get  rid  of  me  entirely,  even  yet,"  she  added  mischie- 
vously. ' '  I  think  you  'd  better  not  say  anything  to 
the  missus  about  it.  She  doesn't  like  me,  you  know, 
and  she'll  think  I  've  had  a  hand  in  it." 

I  don't  know  what  made  Maud  say  such  a  thing  at 
the  moment.  I  felt  my  face  redden,  but  I  did  not 
make  any  answer. 

Ned  walked  with  me  to  the  station,  but  left  me 
before  the  train  came  in,  as  he  had  something  to  do 
in  the  town.  As  I  was  walking  to  and  fro  enjoying 


144  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

the  first  pipe  I  had  had  that  day,  somebody  tapped 
my  arm,  and,  turning  quickly,  I  saw  Hubert  Parfitt. 
I  had  already  met  him  at  the  churchyard,  but  we  had 
done  no  more  than  exchange  greetings. 

"How  are  you  getting  along,  Trent?"  he  asked, 
his  handsome,  boyish  face  wearing  a  very  friendly 
look.  ' '  I  felt  pleased  to  see  you  to-day.  I  hope  your 
wife  is  quite  well." 

"She  is  quite  well,  thank  you,"  I  answered,  rather 
surprised  at  the  extreme  friendliness  of  his  tone. 

"It's  awfully  sad,  isn't  it,  about  the  Lacys? — 
rather  a  knock-down  blow  for  the  family." 

"It  is  indeed." 

"What  are  they  going  to  do?"  he  asked  rather 
eagerly.  "I  hope  you  won't  mind  my  asking.  It 
is  n't  mere  curiosity.  I  happen  to  be  interested.  I 
hope  it  won't  mean  that  they  will  leave  Helston." 

"Oh,  no.  It  is  Mr.  Lacy's  desire  that  the  younger 
ones  should  go  back  to  the  old  home  above  the  shop. 
Ned  and  his  wife  are  to  have  the  house  on  the  hill," 
I  answered,  fully  aware  that  I  was  not  betraying  any 
confidence,  as  the  draft  of  the  will  would  undoubtedly 
appear  in  the  Helston  Gazette,  if  not  that  week,  then 
next,  without  fail.  "They  are  left  very  well  off 
indeed,  and  there  is  no  cause  for  anxiety  about  them." 

Parfitt  looked  relieved.  I  absolved  him  from  any 
other  motive,  for  his  own  people  were  very  well  off, 
and  he  was  the  heir  to  Gresley,  one  of  the  finest 
residential  estates  in  that  rich  county. 

We  began  to  walk  up  and  down  the  platform,  and 
he  offered  me  a  cigar.  I  took  it  rather  absently, 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  145 

feeling  a  little  remote  from  Helston  at  the  moment, 
and  wishing  myself  safely  at  home.  We  were  daily 
expecting  the  advent  of  our  first  child,  an  event  which 
gives  a  man  a  good  deal  of  anxiety  beforehand. 

"So  they  are  going  back  to  the  old  house?  I  sup- 
pose Miss  Lacy  will  take  charge." 

"I  don't  think  so.  She's  going  to  start  out  after 
a  career." 

' '  Oh ! "  he  said  blankly.     ' '  What  kind  of  a  career  ?' ' 

"Musical,  I  believe." 

"But  it  hardly  seems  fair.  Is  her  sister  to  bear 
the  whole  burden  of  looking  after  the  younger  ones? " 
he  asked  rather  indignantly. 

"Yes,  but  it  isn't  a  new  thing.  She's  been  doing 
it  ever  since  her  mother  died." 

"I  know,  and  it's  a  shame.  I  can't  understand 
Miss  Lacy ;  she  does  n't  seem  to  have  common 
feeling.  It's  a  positive  shame  the  way  they  all  put 
on  that  little  girl,  and  she's  so  decent  about  it." 

I  smiled  a  trifle  as  I  turned  my  head  away.  The 
cat  was  out  of  the  bag.  It  was  anxiety  about  Carrie, 
pure  and  simple,  which  was  at  the  root  of  Parfitt's 
desire  to  know  things. 

"It's  open  to  you  to  take  her  out  of  it,"  I  said  on 
the  spur  of  the  moment. 

It  was  rather  a  presumptuous  thing  to  say,  and  I 
don't  know  why  I  did,  but  he  took  it  quite  well. 

"It's  just  what  I  mean  to  do  as  soon  as  I  can 
get  things  sorted  out.  But  my  people — you  know — 
Trent,  hang  it  all,  they  're  standing  out  for  all  they 
are  worth." 

10 


i46  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

I  was  not  surprised  to  hear  that.  What  did  sur- 
prise me  was  that  Parfitt  should  give  me  his  confi- 
dence. True,  many  men  had  done  so,  and  always 
unsought.  I  suppose  I  possessed  in  some  degree  the 
quality  of  sympathy,  and  I  was  certainly  always 
interested.  I  can't  explain  it  any  other  way. 

"I'm  most  awfully  glad  to  hear  you  feel  that  way 
about  her.  Parfitt — Carrie  Lacy  is  one  of  the  best. 
The  man  who  gets  her  is  to  be  envied." 

I  spoke  no  more  than  I  believed,  but  it  seemed  to 
touch  Parfitt,  and  we  shook  hands  rather  solemnly. 
I  am  sure  that  one  or  two  people  on  the  platform  must 
have  wondered  at  this  unusual  act,  for  the  train 
was  not  signalled  yet,  and  we  could  not,  therefore, 
be  supposed  to  be  saying  good-bye. 

"But  I'll  never  give  her  up,  and  I  think  they're 
beginning  to  realize  it,"  he  said  quietly  as  we  began 
to  walk  again.  "But  she's  so  keen  on  duty  and  all 
that.  She'd  think  nothing  of  keeping  me  waiting 
till  she  got  the  last  one  brought  up." 

I  laughed  a  little  at  his  rueful  tone. 

' '  Well,  you  're  both  young  enough,  Parfitt ;  you  can 
afford  to  wait  a  year  or  two,"  I  said.  "I  wish  you 
luck;  here's  the  train  coming.  Good-bye." 

We  shook  hands  again  quite  warmly,  and  he  ran 
forward  to  meet  some  one  who  came  off  the  rear 
carriage.  It  was  a  non-stop  train  to  King's  Cross, 
which  I  reached  about  ten  minutes  past  ten  o'clock. 
Then  I  had  twenty  minutes  to  wait  for  the  Finchley 
train,  so  that  it  was  quite  eleven  before  I  reached 
my  own  house.  Glancing  up  as  I  crossed  the  road, 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  147 

I  saw  all  the  windows  ablaze  with  light,  and  then  I 
positively  ran. 

The  first  person  I  encountered  on  the  stairs  was 
the  doctor's  surgery  boy,  who  looked  at  me  sym- 
pathetically and  said  he  had  just  been  taking  the 
doctor's  bag. 

I  pushed  past  him  and  tore  into  the  house.  It 
was  quite  quiet.  In  the  dining-room  doorway  stood 
Miss  Yuill,  looking  rather  scared. 

"I'm  glad  to  see  you  home,  Mr.  Trent.  I  was  just 
praying  you  would  not  be  stopping  this  night  away 
from  your  own  house.  Mrs.  Trent  was  taken  ill  not 
long  after  you  left  this  morning,  and  I  've  been  with 
her  most  of  the  day." 

"Do  you  mean  that  the  baby's  here?"  I  asked 
desperately,  and  was  about  to  go  toward  Hester's 
room  when  she  pulled  me  back. 

"No,  no,  my  man,  but  please  God  it  soon  will  be. 
The  doctor  has  been  backward  and  forward  all  the 
afternoon,  and  the  nurse  has  been  here  since  four 
o'clock.  Everything's  just  going  on  fine,  and  your 
wife 's  as  brave  as  she  can  be.  Come  in  and  get  a  bite 
of  something." 

"I  want  to  see  her.     Can't  I  go  in?" 

"No,  you  can't  now.  The  doctors  are  both  there. 
Come  in  and  content  yourself;  everything's  being 
done  that  is  necessary,  and  there  isn't  a  blessed  thing 
for  you  to  do  but  wait." 

I  paced  the  floor  like  a  lion  in  a  cage,  while  the 
big,  kindly  Scotchwoman  eyed  me  with  a  good  deal 
of  sympathy. 


i48  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

"Hasn't  Hester  been  asking  for  me?"  I  asked 
desperately. 

1 '  Not  so  very  much ;  you  see,  she 's  had  something 
else  to  take  up  her  time  with,"  she  answered  quaintly. 
"No,  there  isn't  a  single  thing  wrong,  or  other  than 
it  should  be,  and  it  may  even  be  several  hours  before 
the  bairn  is  born.  Try  and  be  calm.  She'd  like  you 
to  be  calm,  wouldn't  she?" 

I  strained  my  ears,  and  when  I  heard  a  moan  I 
looked  at  her  imploringly.  She  just  smiled. 

' '  Oh,  that 's  nothing.  Sit  down  and  take  off  your 
boots.  I  '11  pop  out  and  ask  at  the  door  for  you,  if 
you  like,  but  I  assure  you  you  are  the  very  last  person 
they  want  bothering  them  just  now.  I  Ve  observed 
that  there  are  two  days  in  a  man's  life  when  he  is  of 
no  account,  Mr.  Trent — the  day  he  is  married,  and 
the  day  his  first  bairn  arrives." 

The  hours  seemed  interminable.  I  think  it  was 
about  three  in  the  morning  when  they  came  and  told 
me  it  was  all  over,  but  that  the  baby,  a  fine  boy,  was 
dead.  I  did  not  care  for  that  at  the  moment;  all 
my  concern  was  for  Hester.  I  was  permitted  to 
creep  softly  across  the  floor  to  her  bedside  by  and  by, 
and  to  bend  over  her  with  passionate  eyes  and  a 
bursting  heart. 

She  was  so  white  and  worn,  so  spent  with  her 
suffering,  and  her  eyes  filled  with  tears. 

"I'm  so  sorry,  dear,"  she  said  softly,  as  if  apolo- 
gizing for  some  fault. 

They  drew  me  back  before  I  could  say  all  I  wanted. 
I  was  only  allowed  one  kiss. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  149 

A  little  later,  as  we  had  a  whisky-and-soda 
together,  Dr.  Fletcher  told  me  that  it  was  unlikely 
that  Hester  would  have  another  child. 


CHAPTER  IX 

No  man  could  enter  into  the  feelings  of  a  woman 
who  endures  the  pangs  of  childbirth  and  forgoes  its 
high  reward.  When  the  hope  which  has  sustained 
her  through  all  the  trying  months  is  quenched  in  the 
supreme  effort,  it  requires  no  ordinary  kind  of 
courage  to  readjust  her  thoughts.  Hester  was  very 
brave,  and  did  not  suffer  me  to  see  how  much  she 
felt  it.  My  own  disappointment  was  frank  and  keen, 
and  it  was  accentuated  by  the  dreary  fact  commu- 
nicated to  me  by  Fletcher  on  that  night  of  crucial 
anxiety.  I  am  still  in  doubt  as  to  the  wisdom  of 
his  candor.  It  burdened  me  with  a  secret  which 
I  had  carefully  to  guard  from  my  wife,  knowing 
what  it  would  mean  to  her.  We  were  both  passion- 
ately fond  of  children,  and  the  knowledge  that  our 
home  could  never  now  be  brightened  by  them  filled 
me  with  dismay. 

I  tried  to  hope  against  hope,  and  it  was  a  subject 
of  which  we  never  spoke  to  one  another.  But  as 
time  went  on,  and  Hester's  hopes  were  gradually 
quenched,  I  saw,  or  imagined  I  saw,  that  her  fine 
spirit  drooped. 

The  distribution  of  children  is  one  of  the  most 
baffling  facts  of  existence.  They  come  unasked, 

150 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  151 

unexpected,  sometimes  unwelcome  in  quarters  where 
their  advent  complicates  life;  the  poor  man  has  his 
quiver  full  of  them;  the  people  least  fitted  to  be 
parents  are  overburdened  with  their  responsibility. 
And  meanwhile  the  cry  of  the  childless  home  and 
the  yearning  of  the  barren  woman  go  up  to  Heaven. 

In  all  my  experience  I  have  never  met  a  woman 
more  richly  endowed  by  nature  for  motherhood  than 
my  own  wife.  She  was  quite  healthy,  her  mind  was 
sanely  balanced,  her  outlook  fine,  her  heart  as  wide 
and  deep  as  the  sea.  Yet  she  was  denied  the  joy  that 
would  have  filled  all  the  empty  spaces  of  her  being, 
and  was  reduced  to  loading  one  poor  ship  beyond  the 
water-line  with  all  the  splendid  hope  and  affection 
of  which  she  was  capable. 

I  was  not  worthy  to  be  the  pivot  and  centre  of 
such  affection.  I  never  earned  or  deserved  a  tithe 
of  the  rich  largess  that  was  poured  upon  me.  Hester 
was  undemonstrative,  her  love  expressed  itself  rather 
in  deeds  than  words,  in  a  faithful  and  almost  slavish 
devotion  which  even  the  best  of  men  occasionally 
find  irksome.  Yet  with  it  there  was  just  sufficient 
aloofness  to  give  dignity  to  her  personality.  And 
her  pride  was  high,  oh,  very  high !  She  could  suffer 
in  silence,  go  down  to  death  if  need  be  with  the 
wound  in  her  heart,  but  voice  it  to  the  vulgar  crowd, 
or  even  to  one  intimate  friend,  a  thousand  times  no ! 

She  made  herself  busy  with  church  affairs,  and 
began  to  take  an  active  part  in  parish  work.  I  was 
pleased  that  this  should  be  so,  for  I  had  ceased  to 
fear  that  she  would  become  too  much  absorbed. 


152  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

But  it  was  a  region  into  which  I  did  not  care  to 
accompany  or  to  follow  her.  If  I  had  been  brought 
to  book  I  should  have  had  to  confess  myself  frankly 
pagan.  The  only  part  of  the  service  which  appealed 
to  me  was  the  music,  and  that  I  could  have  got  else- 
where. Of  the  sustaining  and  immortal  truth  for 
which  the  service  stood,  of  the  true  worship  of  the 
soul  which  renders  it  partly  immune  from  the  assaults 
of  fate,  I  was  as  ignorant  as  a  babe  unborn.  And, 
further,  I  was  in  my  innermost  heart  a  scoffer.  I 
believed  in  nothing  but  material  things. 

This  makes  the  mystery  and  the  injustice  of  my 
childless  home  more  inexplicable.  A  child  might 
have  saved  me,  for  few  men  can  look  into  the  heaven 
of  a  child's  eyes  and  deny  the  higher  Heaven  whence 
that  pure  spirit  has  come. 

I  threw  myself  heart  and  soul  into  the  business  of 
the  bank,  extended  its  operations  in  every  direction, 
and  more  than  realized  the  confidence  placed  in  me 
by  my  directors. 

I  was  particularly  successful  in  the  lending  of 
money  to  reliable  clients,  which,  handled  with  skill 
and  integrity,  is  one  of  the  richest  assets  of  banking 
business.  This  department  brought  me  into  contact 
with  all  sorts  and  conditions  of  men,  took  me  behind 
the  scenes  in  many  lives,  introduced  me  to  much 
tragedy  of  a  more  or  less  sordid  kind. 

Such  experience  is  bound  to  have  its  somewhat 
deadening  effect  on  the  soul  of  a  man,  and  I  easily 
understood  how  the  money  lender  pure  and  simple 
can  become  a  creature  without  bowels  of  compassion. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  153 

One  has  to  be  deaf  to  appeal,  almost  impervious  to 
pity,  to  be  inexorable  in  demanding  the  pound  of 
flesh. 

I  did  not  speak  at  all  to  Hester  about  that  part  of 
my  business,  though  some  of  it  she  learned  from 
outside  sources. 

She  sometimes  pleaded  with  me  to  help  this  one  or 
another ;  then  I  would  point  out  to  her  with  the  good- 
natured  tolerance  of  a  man  who  has  little  respect  for 
a  woman's  business  knowledge  how  impossible  it 
would  be  to  conduct  the  affairs  of  men  on  any  such 
lines. 

I  was  hard  in  business,  I  confess  it  frankly,  hard 
and  keen  as  nails,  and,  of  course,  the  success  which 
usually  follows  on  such  a  policy  came  to  me  in  due 
course. 

When  we  had  been  five  years  at  Finchley  I  was 
sent  for  one  day  by  my  directors.  I  could  see  that 
Hester  was  a  little  anxious  about  that  letter.  She 
looked  at  me  apprehensively  across  the  breakfast- 
table.  Our  eyes  met,  and  I  smiled  encouragingly, 
at  the  same  time  suddenly  struck  by  the  fact  that 
Hester  looked  older  than  her  years. 

She  was  now  thirty-two,  and  had  lost  her  plump- 
ness of  figure,  something  of  her  soft  brilliance.  Her 
features  had  hardened  a  little;  she  was  altogether 
more  matured.  But  the  pathos  and  appeal  of  her 
eyes  had  suffered  no  hurt.  Sometimes  my  own  fell 
before  them,  conscious  of  my  own  inner  unworthiness 
even  when  I  had  done  no  wrong.  I  find  it  difficult  to 
put  into  words  the  sort  of  unexpressed  reproach  that 


iS4  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

my  wife  managed  to  convey  to  me  without  any  effort 
of  will  on  her  part.  It  was  the  appeal  which  a  fine 
nature  constantly  and  intuitively  makes  to  one  lower 
down  the  plane,  as  it  were.  I  do  not  know  whether 
I  make  myself  understood,  but  I  always  felt  somehow 
that  I  did  not  reach  my  wife's  standard.  Yet  she 
never,  or  at  least  seldom,  criticized  any  of  my  doings 
or  words.  Hester  preached,  never  with  her  mouth, 
but  constantly  and  eloquently  by  her  life.  I  frankly 
confess  that  I  often  felt  irked  by  it,  and  even  longed 
for  a  different  environment,  for  some  outlet  for  my 
baser  enjoyment.  I  loved  theatres  and  music  halls, 
and  the  flow  and  the  verve  of  life,  the  clink  of  glasses, 
and  the  laughter  of  women,  and  sometimes  the  some- 
what gray  monotony  of  our  quiet  life  palled  upon  me. 
Somehow  it  was  mostly  Hester's  friends  who  came 
about  the  house,  and  though  I  made  them  welcome, 
I  had  no  part  nor  lot  with  them.  I  liked  the  Yuills 
very  well,  and  had  a  tremendous  respect  for  old 
Yuill's  business  ability;  he  could  give  me  points  in 
financial  affairs.  Yet  his  masterly  handling  of  them 
had  left  his  sound,  fine  nature  untouched.  His 
heart  was  big  and  tender  as  a  child's.  But  the 
other  men  I  had  got  to  know  in  business  and  on  the 
Totteridge  Golf  Course  (which  alone  saved  me  from 
despair)  did  not  feel  at  home  in  my  house.  Hester 
asked  them  to  dinner,  and  they  spent  a  quiet  evening 
at  whist,  with  a  little  music,  but  they  seldom  came 
again.  Something  about  her  chilled  them.  I  know 
now  that  she  was  not  in  her  proper  environment, 
and  that  though  we  loved  one  another  dearly,  our 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  155 

marriage,  looked  at  squarely  in  the  face,  had  not 
been  a  success.  But  we  never  looked  it  squarely  in 
the  face.  Who  dares  to  do  that?  It  is  better  not. 
The  naked  truth  is  at  all  times  an  unlovable  and 
terrifying  object.  Cover  it  up  at  any  price! 

But  I  am  wandering  from  my  main  thesis.  I  was 
saying  that  Hester  had  gone  off  in  looks,  regarded 
from  the  merely  material  point  of  view. 

Loftiness  of  soul,  sweet  kindliness  of  heart,  dwelt 
as  ever  on  her  face  and  in  the  depths  of  her  kind  eyes, 
but  not  all  who  run  may  read  these  signs. 

"I  haven't  been  getting  into  any  scrape,  darling," 
I  assured  her.  ' '  I  hope  it  only  means  that  I  'm  going 
to  get  my  due  at  last." 

My  face  flushed  as  I  read  the  few  brief  words  on 
the  typewritten  sheet  and  passed  it  over  for  Hester's 
perusal.  The  appointment  was  for  eleven  o'clock 
that  very  morning,  and  I  had  only  just  time  to  go 
down  to  the  opening  of  the  bank,  set  my  subordinates 
to  their  work,  and  make  for  the  station. 

I  arrived  at  our  head  offices  punctually  on  the 
stroke  of  the  hour,  and  was  at  once  admitted  to  the 
board-room.  There  was  a  full  meeting  of  directors, 
and  I  was  not  long  left  in  doubt  as  to  the  nature 
of  the  interview.  They  were  all  courteous  in  the 
extreme  to  me,  and  one  or  two  who  met  me  for  the 
first  time  surveyed  me  with  a  good  deal  of  interest. 

It  was  the  month  of  September,  a  fine,  brilliant 
autumn  day.  Hester  had  made  a  critical  survey  of 
my  toilet  before  she  let  me  go,  and  at  her  suggestion 
I  had  exchanged  my  old  office  suit  for  one  of  fine  blue 


156  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

serge,  very  well  cut  by  a  Bond  Street  tailor.  I  was 
not  extravagant  with  my  clothes,  and  Hester  fostered 
in  me  the  taste  for  the  best.  The  directors  invited 
me  to  sit  down,  and  after  a  few  complimentary 
remarks  from  the  chairman  regarding  my  conduct 
of  the  branch  at  Finchley,  and  the  returns  I  had  been 
able  to  make  at  headquarters,  from  every  branch  of 
the  bank's  business,  I  was  offered  the  managership 
of  a  most  important  city  branch. 

I  looked,  as  I  felt,  bewildered,  and  almost  over- 
come. 

The  salary  was  handsome;  it  had  been  a  thousand, 
I  knew,  and  it  was  a  post  regarded  as  one  of  the 
plums  of  our  bank.  It  had  never  been  offered,  as 
I  was  well  aware,  to  a  man  under  forty  before.  I 
was  then  only  in  my  thirty-fifth  year.  Small 
wonder  that  I  blushed  and  stammered  like  any 
schoolboy  under  the  weight  of  the  compliment  paid 
to  me. 

My  emotion  did  not  displease  them,  and  they  took 
me  further  into  their  confidence  by  telling  me  that 
the  branch  in  question,  which  had  fallen  away  under 
an  old  manager  who  had  got  a  little  careless  and 
slack,  required  working  up.  They  told  me  they 
believed  that  I  was  the  man  to  do  it,  and  finally 
offered  it  to  me  at  a  salary  of  eight  hundred. 

Needless  to  say  with  what  haste  and  pleasure  I 
accepted. 

Of  work  or  responsibility  I  had  never  been  afraid 
at  any  time,  and  I  had  served  an  excellent  and  rather 
trying  apprenticeship  at  Finchley.  My  head  almost 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  157 

whirled  at  the  prospect,  because  the  salary  alone  did 
not  represent  all  the  emoluments  of  the  office.  Other 
opportunities  for  the  making  of  money  would  be 
open  to  me,  and  I  promised  to  avail  myself  of  them 
to  the  hilt.  I  left  the  office  a  happy  and  rather 
uplifted  man. 

I  made  my  way  post-haste  to  the  nearest  telegraph 
office,  and  sent  two  messages,  one  to  Hester,  and  one 
to  my  father,  to  whom  I  knew  the  news  would  bring 
intense  gratification.  He  had  now  retired  from  the 
bank  at  Helston,  and  was  living  with  Jane  at  a  pretty 
cottage  about  two  miles  out  of  the  town.  He  was 
in  poor  health,  suffering  from  the  last  stages  of  a 
kidney  trouble  which  had  tormented  him  during  the 
later  years  of  his  life. 

He  was  doomed,  and  I  knew  could  not  have  many 
more  years  of  life. 

Then  I  thought  I  would  look  up  a  man  I  knew  at 
his  office,  and  go  out  to  lunch  with  him .  However, 
as  I  turned  to  leave  the  telegraph  desk,  I  came  face 
to  face  with  Maud  Lacy.  We  were  both  astounded, 
and  I  think  both  pleased,  and  shook  hands  with  great 
fervor  on  the  spot. 

"Now  this  is  a  piece  of  uncommon  luck,"  I 
whispered  joyously.  "I'm  just  looking  for  some- 
body to  have  a  drink  with  in  celebration  of  a  bit  of 
jolly  good  luck." 

Her  handsome  face  was  wreathed  in  smiles.  She 
looked  splendid,  and  was  dressed  to  perfection. 
What  she  was  doing  in  the  very  heart  of  the  city 
just  then  I  hardly  thought  to  ask  her.  Maud 


158  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

turned  up  in  all  sorts  of  unexpected  corners.  She 
had  been  abroad  for  a  whole  year,  and  had  kept  me 
apprised  of  her  whereabouts  by  occasional  post 
cards.  But  we  had  not  corresponded.  She  would 
have  liked  it,  but  I  felt  that  Hester  would  not. 

But  I  was  unfeignedly  glad  to  see  her  that  day. 
In  the  exuberance  of  my  feelings,  I  wanted  some 
one  to  rejoice  with  me.  Oddly  enough,  it  did  not 
occur  to  me  to  hasten  home  to  my  wife,  though  I 
could  have  arrived  in  ample  time  for  our  usual  lunch 
hour.  I  was  out  for  the  day,  however,  and  I  always 
enjoyed  a  visit  to  the  city. 

"Just  a  mo  till  I  send  a  wire  to  a  pal  I  promised 
to  lunch  with  at  one-thirty.  I'll  chuck  him,  of 
course,  if  you're  going  to  take  me." 

"Of  course  I  am,"  I  answered  joyously,  and 
passed  out  to  the  edge  of  the  pavement  to  wait  for 
her,  feeling  that  never  had  my  sun  been  higher  in 
the  heavens. 

Presently  she  joined  me,  and  after  a  brief  consulta- 
tion we  took  a  hansom  to  the  Great  Eastern  Hotel, 
where  there  is  one  of  the  most  comfortable  and 
secluded  restaurants  in  London. 

Being  early,  we  had  our  pick  of  the  tables,  and 
found  one  in  an  alcove  window,  where  we  were 
quite  alone,  and  even  remote  from  the  crowd. 

And  there  Maud,  removing  her  long  suede  gloves 
from  her  bare  arms,  and  unpinning  her  fascinating 
white  veil,  leaned  her  elbows  on  the  table  and  looked 
across  at  me  smilingly. 

"You  do  look  nice,  Gibbie — handsomer  than  ever ! ' ' 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  159 

"Come,  come,  I've  just  had  about  as  much  com- 
pliment as  my  poor  old  nut  can  stand,"  I  said, 
flushing  a  little;  then  I  told  her  briefly  what  had 
happened. 

"Shake,"  she  said,  stretching  her  fine,  white, 
gemmed  hand  across  the  table.  "Good  old  Gib, 
you  deserve  it,  every  scrap  of  it,  of  course  you  do. 
I've  always  thought  you'd  arrive  some  day." 

I  was  silent  just  a  moment,  because  there  swept 
over  me  a  dashing  memory  of  the  occasion  when  I  had 
proposed  to  her,  and  tried  to  assure  her  regarding  my 
future.  She  had  been  very  scornful  of  my  hopes  and 
chances  then,  and  said  frankly  that  she  preferred 
something  more  solid  and  substantial  than  hopes. 
She  guessed  the  trend  of  my  thoughts,  and  leaned 
a  little  farther  across  the  table. 

"I  know  what  you're  thinking,  Gib  —  that  once  I 
didn't  justify  the  belief  I'm  expressing  with  such 
fervor.  But  we  couldn't  help  ourselves  just  then, 
and  I  suppose  the  Fates  had  decreed  it  wasn't  to  be; 
well  —  well.  If  one  only  knew " 

The  world  of  regret  in  her  voice  could  have  but 
one  meaning.  It  was  a  dangerous  moment,  and  I 
was  thankful  when  the  waiter  came  to  my  elbow  with 
the  wine  card  in  his  hand. 

"What's  it  to  be,  then,  Maud  — what  shall  we 
celebrate  the  occasion  in?" 

"Oh,  fizz,  of  course;  there  isn't  anything  else  to 
fit  the  case,"  she  answered  merrily,  so  I  gave  my 
order,  and  we  began  to  talk  again. 

"How's  the  missus?"  she  asked  casually. 


160  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

"Quite  well,  thank  you.  Now  I  want  to  hear 
about  yourself.  What  brings  you  to  London  now? " 

"I'm  going  to  settle  down,  Gibbie;  I've  taken  a 
flat  in  co  with  an  American  painting  woman  I  met 
in  Milan." 

"And  what  about  your  own  studies?" 

"Chucked  them.  I'd  never  get  to  the  giddy 
heights  old  Bauermeister,  for  the  purpose  of  feather- 
ing her  own  nest,  predicted  for  me.  Rudini,  the 
Milan  teacher,  was  perfectly  honest  with  me.  He 
said  I  never  would  star,  that  the  star  is  born,  not 
made,  and  that  further  I  had  begun  study  too  late. 
So  I  chucked  it." 

"It  seems  an  enormous  loss  of  time  and  money," 
I  observed,  the  commercial  instinct  asserting  itself 
naturally. 

"Oh,  no.  One  has  to  buy  experience  somewhere. 
I'm  a  sort  of  fatalist  now,  and  I  don't  believe  any- 
thing ever  is  lost." 

"Been  to  Helston  lately?" 

"Only  just  come  up.  I  've  been  there  for  the  last 
two  weeks.  The  kids  are  all  well,  and  going  strong. 
Queer  little  nut,  Carrie!  You  never  can  tell  all 
that 's  inside  of  her,  but  there 's  no  doubt  she 's  been 
a  mother  to  those  kids.  You  'd  think  she  was  sixty- 
five,  instead  of  twenty-five." 

"She  has  certainly  walked  most  circumspectly. 
Jane  was  telling  us  one  day  how  horrified  Helston  was 
at  first  at  the  idea  of  such  a  young  head  to  the  house- 
hold, but  she 's  silenced  every  criticism,  and  made  the 
whole  town  and  county  take  off  its  hat  to  her." 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  161 

Maud  shrugged  her  shoulders,  rather  impatiently, 
I  thought. 

"She's  that  sort;  it  wasn't  an  effort  to  her.  But 
I  think  I  deserve  something  too  for  clearing  out  and 
giving  her  a  fair  field.  I  might  have  stopped  on  and 
been  the  boss;  then  where  would  she  have  been?" 

"At  Gresley  probably,"  I  answered  at  hazard. 

She  narrowed  her  brows,  and  finished  her  mayon- 
naise before  she  asked  me  what  I  meant. 

"I  suppose  you're  getting  at  me  about  Carrie, 
Gib,"  she  said  crossly  at  last. 

"No,  I'm  not.  It's  ancient  history  that  Hubert 
Parfitt  proposed  to  her,  that  she  refused  him,  that 
his  people  have  come  round  to  his  way  of  thinking, 
and  that  they  '11  be  married  as  soon  as  Florrie  goes  to 
Coombe  Rectory  to  keep  house  for  the  Rev.  Pere- 
grine Diswold." 

She  sat  back  in  her  chair,  staring  hard. 

"Gibbie,  you  don't  really  mean  that!  It  couldn't 
have  happened?" 

"It  has  happened." 

"And  Carrie  gave  up  Gresley,  for  with  the  average 
man  it  meant  that,  just  to  look  after  those  kids  who 
will  go  their  own  way  just  as  soon  as  the  idea  strikes 
them?" 

"It's  what  she  has  done." 

"How  long  ago  might  this  have  happened,  since 
it  appears  that  you  know  more  about  my  family 
than  I  do?" 

"I  believe  that  things  were  arranged  about  two 
years  ago." 
11 


1 62  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

"And  nobody  said  a  word  to  me!  How  dared 
they  keep  me  on  the  outside?  It's  that  horrible 
Audrey  Hillyer,  Ned's  wife.  I  positively  hate  that 
woman.  She  looked  at  me  this  time  as  if  I  were 
dirt,  though  she  knows  she  could  hardly  buy  a  corset 
lace  for  herself  before  Ned  took  her  up." 

"She  and  Carrie  are  inseparable." 

"Oh,  I  know  they  are.  Carrie  and  I  nearly  came 
to  fisticuffs  over  it,  and  she  never  darkened  the  door 
all  the  time  I  was  there  after  the  first  Sunday,  when 
she  began  to  lecture  me  on  my  duty,  and  I  told  her 
to  mind  her  own  business.  One's  first  duty  in  the 
world  surely  is  to  mind  one's  own  business,  and  that 's 
what  I've  been  doing.  Most  people  can't  live  for 
their  relations  meddling  with  them  and  wanting  to 
arrange  their  program.  I  had  only  a  little  more 
courage  than  most  of  'em,  that's  all." 

"Don't  indict  me,  Maud,"  I  said  with  good- 
natured  raillery.  "I've  never  lectured  you." 

"No,  but  I'm  dead  sure  your  wife  has  had  her 
say  with  the  rest  of  them.  Well,  anyway,  I've 
seen  something;  I  know  what  the  world  is  like. 
It's  blue-mould  of  the  soul  one  gets  in  a  place 
like  Helston.  Heavens,  how  I  hate  it!  This  dose 
will  serve  me  for  another  five  years.  Your  father 's 
going  'down  the  hill  rapidly,  Gilbert.  He  can't  last 
much  longer." 

I  nodded,  but  made  no  comment  on  her  pronounce- 
ment, which  struck  me  as  rather  callous.  There  were 
moments  when  Maud  Lacy's  assumption  of  complete 
heartlessness  repelled  me.  That  was  one.  She  was 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  163 

as  quick  as  a  needle,  and  her  expression  altered  as  she 
leaned  across  the  table  once  more. 

"Don't  look  at  me  like  that,  Gib;  I  simply  won't 
have  it.  I  want  to  keep  my  pal  just  as  he  used  to 
be.  We  understand  one  another.  It's  a  pity  the 
fate  line  diverged  just  where  it  did.  It  was  n't 
altogether  my  fault.  I'm  a  bit  of  a  fatalist,  you 
know,  and  just  lately  I've  been  studying  occult 
things.  It 's  fascinating.  The  Fates  have  decreed  that 
our  lines  meet  again  later  on.  Let's  see  your  paw." 

I  stretched  it  across  the  table  in  a  kind  of  lazy 
amusement.  There  was  a  certain  piquancy  in  this 
dallying,  which  appealed  to  some  part  of  me  that 
had  been  pretty  well  in  the  background  of  late.  She 
studied  the  lines  with  knit  brows  and  a  half-smile. 

' '  Long  life  line,  middling  straight  heart  line  —  oh, 
Gibbie,  are  you  still  having  affairs?"  she  said  mock- 
ingly. "Another  influence  is  coming  into  your  life 
soon,  and  it's  going  to  have  tremendous  conse- 
quences. But  you  're  going  to  be  rich,  old  man,  rich 
beyond  the  dreams  of  avarice.  Everything  you 
touch  simply  turns  to  gold.  What  will  you  do  with 
it  when  you  get  it?  I  don't  believe  the  missus 
would  understand  the  elementary  science  of  money 
spending.  She's  the  sort  of  woman,  unless  I'm 
much  mistaken,  who  would  go  ten  miles  to  find  a 
little  dressmaker  at  half  a  sovereign  less  but  who 
would  probably  spoil  her  stuff,  and  she'd  know  the 
cheapest  market  everywhere." 

I  tried  to  withdraw  my  hand,  for  this  criticism  of 
my  wife,  near  the  mark  in  a  sense,  galled  me. 


164  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

"Oh,  come,  it's  my  hand  you're  supposed  to  be 
reading." 

"Well,  it's  all  there,  and  if  you  consult  the  oracle 
you've  got  to  swallow  the  verdict  whole.  She's 
incapable  of  appreciating  or  fully  understanding  you, 
Gilbert,  and  she  isn't  on  your  plane.  The  stars 
never  ordained  that  you  should  be  together.  It's 
one  of  the  mistakes  Destiny  permits,  but  can't 
unravel.  You'll  never  have  any  children,  and  the 
line  breaks  off  here  abruptly.  Do  you  want  to  hear 
any  more,  Gib?" 

"I  don't,  and  it's  time  I  was  out  of  here,"  I  said 
abruptly,  and  would  have  summoned  the  waiter, 
but  Maud  intervened  with  a  rueful  smile. 

"Aren't  you  going  to  give  me  any  coffee?  Why, 
I  'd  rather  go  without  lunch  or  dinner  any  day  than 
my  coffee  and  liqueur.  Besides,  we  're  not  half  done. 
Don't  you  want  to  hear  all  about  my  flat  and  Sadie 
Wilcox?  I'm  simply  dying  to  tell  you." 

I  gave  in,  of  course.  Few  men  can  withstand  any 
slur  upon  their  hospitality.  The  coffee  was  brought, 
and  the  green  Chartreuse,  which  was  Maud's  choice. 
We  sat  there  another  good  hour,  and  when  we  at 
last  reached  the  vestibule  of  the  hotel  we  had  been 
two  and  a  half  hours  in  our  alcove.  It  was  then, 
however,  only  half -past  two.  As  we  stepped  towards 
the  door  two  men  came  from  the  grill-room,  Yuill 
and  the  chairman  of  one  of  the  big  railway  com- 
panies whom  I  knew  by  sight.  Yuill  was  especially 
interested  in  railways,  and  was  always  promoting 
new  ones.  He  nodded  to  me,  and  glanced  with  a 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  165 

surprise  I  imagined  significant  at  my  striking-looking 
companion,  as  we  hurriedly  passed  out.  I  did  not 
want  to  meet  Yuill  there,  and  the  knowledge  that 
he  had  seen  me  with  Maud  Lacy  gave  me  a  good 
deal  of  unnecessary  anxiety.  I  put  her  into  a  han- 
som, for  which  I  paid,  gave  the  driver  the  address  of 
her  flat  in  Marylebone,  and  turned  away  eager  now 
to  get  home.  An  odd  desire  to  ride  all  the  way  back 
on  the  old  green  omnibus  possessed  me,  and  I  did. 
It  cooled  my  blood,  and  gave  me  time  to  compose 
my  thoughts.  I  was  perfectly  aware  of  the  particular 
kind  of  attraction  Maud  Lacy  had  for  me,  and  she 
made  no  attempt  to  hide  her  liking — in  fact,  she 
had  as  good  as  said  that  she  had  never  married 
because  the  Fates  had  stolen  from  her  the  man 
she  wanted.  She  had  in  a  measure  reasserted  her 
old  ascendancy,  over  me  that  day.  I  found  in  it  a 
subtle  flattery  of  the  senses  I  couldn't  resist. 

Any  man  who  happens  to  peruse  these  words  will 
acquit  me  of  deliberate  disloyalty.  Unfortunatly  for 
us,  the  path  to  hell  has  naught  but  flowery  banks, 
and  the  easy  descent  is  made  chiefly  in  the  sun. 

In  giving  my  account  of  my  day  in  the  city  to  my 
wife,  I  omitted  to  mention  the  name  of  Maud  Lacy, 
merely  saying  that  I  had  lunched  at  the  Great 
Eastern  Hotel  with  an  old  friend  I  had  met  acci- 
dentally at  the  post  office  where  I  had  dispatched 
my  telegrams. 

Hester  was  neither  prying  nor  suspicious  by  nature. 
She  did  not  even  ask  whether  the  old  friend  was  a 
man  or  a  woman. 


CHAPTER  X 

When  Hester  heard  the  actual  facts  of  my  inter- 
view with  the  directors,  she  had  one  of  her  rare  fits 
of  abandon,  and  threw  herself  into  my  arms. 

"Oh,  Gilbert,  I  am  so  glad,  so  very,  very  glad, 
dear!"  she  said  with  a  little  sob  in  her  voice.  "It 
shows  what  they  must  think  of  you,  and  I  'm  just  as 
proud  as  I  can  be." 

Somehow  her  pride  engendered  in  me  a  sudden 
humility. 

"Nonsense,  little  woman,  it's  only  the  reward  of 
hard  work  and  close  application,  and  you  've  kept  me 
at  it  too, ' '  I  added  jocosely.  ' '  So  you  're  entitled  to  a 
few  pats  on  the  back.  If  we  'd  had  a  more  exciting 
and  rackety  life,  business  would  undoubtedly  have 
suffered." 

I  saw  that  my  words  awakened  in  her  a  little 
wonder  and  disquiet. 

"You  have  found  it  very  dull,  I'm  afraid?"  she 
said  a  trifle  sadly. 

"Oh,  no,  I'm  a  demon  for  work,  and  it  gave  me 
my  chance.  Don't  get  ideas  into  your  dear  little 
head.  Now  we  've  got  heaps  of  things  to  discuss  and 
consider — where  we  are  to  live,  for  one  thing." 

"Live!  Shall  we  have  to  leave  Finchley?"  she 
asked  with  a  sudden  spasm  in  her  voice. 

1 66 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  167 

"It  would  be  better.  I've  been  thinking  of  a 
house  in  the  Bloomsbury  district.  It  has  always 
fascinated  me.  It's  in  the  heart  of  things,  and 
there's  a  dignity  about  those  old  houses  which  a 
place  like  this  sadly  lacks." 

"Would  it  not  be  possible  for  us  to  stay  on  in 
Finchley,  Gilbert?  Mr.  Yuill  does  not  seem  to 
mind  travelling  to  and  fro,  and  it  is  n't  really  a  long 
journey." 

Somehow  the  mention  of  Yuill  at  the  moment 
irritated  me. 

"Yuill  does  n't  begin  to  know  the  meaning  of 
work,  as  I  understand  it.  He's  the  sort  of  chap 
who  makes  a  good  deal  of  noise  without  accomplish- 
ing much." 

Hester  looked  the  picture  of  astonishment. 

"Why,  Gilbert,  you  must  surely  be  thinking  of 
somebody  else — little  Bagley  perhaps.  Mr.  Yuill 
is  one  of  the  most  silent  men  I  Ve  ever  met." 

"Well,  I'm  not  stopping  in  Finchley  to  please 
him.  This  tearing  to  and  fro  in  trains  takes  ten 
years  off  the  average  city  man's  life.  I  believe  doc- 
tors are  agreed  about  it,"  I  said  grandiloquently. 
"Do  you  really  like  Finchley,  kid?" 

"Why,  I  love  it !  We  shall  have  to  leave  this  dear 
house,  then?" 

"Rather,  as  the  next  manager  will  have  to  come 
in,  and  they  want  me  in  the  city  by  the  isth  of 
October." 

"Why,  that's  hardly  a  month  from  now." 

"Just  twenty-seven  days;  but  a  lot  can  be  accom- 
plished in  twenty-seven  days." 


i68  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

"You'll  miss  the  golf  course  and  the  club  Gilbert, 
won't  you?" 

"I  can  come  out  Saturdays,  and  perhaps  an 
occasional  Sunday.  Sunday  golf,  I  think,  is  not 
forbidden  to  the  hard-wrought  city  man,  though  the 
Finchley  bank  manager  is  not  supposed  to  indulge 
in  it." 

She  sat  still  and  quiet  for  a  while,  and  presently 
took  up  a  bit  of  fine  crochet  work  she  had  laid  down 
at  my  entrance. 

"Will  it  be  hard  on  you  leaving  Finchley,  Hester?" 

"I  shall  not  like  it.  I  have  a  few  friends,  and 
they  are  precious,  and  we  shall  never  find  another 
St.  Luke's." 

I  pondered  a  moment. 

"Well,  we  must  think  it  over.  Perhaps  we  might 
make  a  sort  of  compromise.  How  would  Totteridge 
Lane  suit  you?  There's  that  old  house  other  side 
of  the  road  from  the  Yuills — Grey  Gables,  it 's  called. 
I  believe  it  might  be  bought  cheap." 

She  dropped  her  work,  and  her  face  fairly  glowed. 

"Oh,  Gilbert,  that  would  be  simply  lovely!  Oh, 
how  happy  I  should  be  to  live  there,  and  I  am  sure 
it  will  be  much  healthier  and  better  for  you  to  come 
out  to  such  a  sweet  spot  after  office  hours." 

"I'm  not  so  sure  about  it.  Remember,  my  office 
hours  will  be  very  different  in  the  city  for  the  first 
year  or  two  at  least.  It  '11  mean  long  days  and  late 
nights  and  precious  little  recreation.  A  man  in  such 
a  position  doesn't  eat  the  bread  of  idleness.  Every 
nerve  of  him  has  to  be  more  or  less  on  the  rack." 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  169 

"Then  we  must  live  where  it  will  be  best  and 
easiest  for  you,  darling,"  replied  Hester  with  that 
air  of  meek  dutifulness  which  senselessly  enrages 
some  men.  We  are  strange  creatures,  and  open 
rebellion  among  our  women-folk  enlarges  our  respect 
for  them.  I  could  not  help  contrasting  Maud  Lacy's 
probable  behavior  in  such  a  case.  She  would  simply 
have  said,  "We  are  going  to  live  here  or  there," 
according  as  her  fancy  dictated,  and  it  would  have 
come  to  pass. 

The  more  I  thought  of  the  pretty  old  house  in 
Totteridge  Lane,  however,  the  more  the  idea  of 
possessing  it  appealed  to  me. 

After  tea  that  very  evening  we  took  a  walk  in 
that  direction,  and  had  a  look  at  it,  both  without  and 
within.  It  was  a  smallish  house,  which  Hester 
assured  me  she  could  easily  run  with  a  couple  of 
servants,  including  Babette,  now  an  institution  in 
our  house.  It  was  whitewashed  and  had  a  green 
veranda  running  round  it,  and  two  acres  of  lovely 
old  matured  grounds.  It  had  a  heavenly  view  from 
the  back  terrace,  and  was  within  easy  reach  of  the 
golf  course.  Before  we  left  it  we  had  made  up  our 
minds  to  take  it  on  a  three  years'  lease,  which,  we 
argued,  would  give  us  time  to  prove  whether  it  was 
convenient  enough  for  me  to  live  so  far  out. 

"Let's  go  in  and  tell  Christina  Yuill  about  it," 
suggested  Hester  as  we  left  the  pretty  gateway  from 
which  we  could  see  the  somewhat  dark  entrance  of 
The  Yews,  which  was  the  mournful  appellation  of  the 
Yuills'  abode.  I  was  not  keen,  but,  having  no  good 


170  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

reason  for  refusing,  permitted  myself  to  be  guided 
in  a  slanting  direction  across  the  road.  Hester  was 
a  frequent  visitor  to  The  Yews,  I  knew,  but  I  only 
learned  afterwards,  among  all  the  rest  of  the  facts 
relating  to  her,  how  much  of  her  lonely  life  was 
rendered  tolerable  by  the  ministry  of  these  good 
friends  and  kind  neighbors.  To  my  relief  Miss  Yuill 
met  us  with  the  information  that  her  brother  was 
dining  in  town,  and  would  not  be  home  till  midnight. 
So  often  did  he  dine  in  town  with  business  acquaint- 
ances that  he  kept  a  spare  dress  suit  at  his  office,  and 
would  come  home  in  it,  taking  it  back  with  him  in 
a  small  Gladstone  bag  in  the  morning.  I  hardly 
ever  saw  Yuill  without  that  bag,  and  we  all  twitted 
him  about  it.  I  knew  that  Yuill  did  not  like  me; 
we  were  in  no  sense  of  the  word  pals,  though  we 
occasionally  played  golf  together.  He  was  a  splendid 
golfer,  and  the  links  represented  his  only  other 
•dissipation.  He  never  went  to  theatres,  for  instance ; 
both  he  and  his  sister  thought  theatre-going  wicked 
waste  of  time.  He  was  the  churchwarden  at  St. 
Luke's,  and  a  pillar  in  all  good  works. 

Miss  Yuill  was  a  trifle  more  genial  and  affable 
than  her  brother.  Hester  had  often  assured  me  that 
she  was  the  best-informed  woman  she  had  ever  met, 
and  knew  all  about  the  new  books  even  before  they 
came  out. 

She  was  nothing  much  to  look  at,  but  I  think  I 
mentioned  before  that  she  always  wore  handsome 
clothes,  and  had  a  general  air  of  prosperity  and 
well-being.  She  was  extraordinarily  fond  of  my  wife. 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  171 

"Leave  Finchley — not  a  bit  of  it,  Mr.  Trent,"  she 
said.  ' '  Look  at  Andy !  He  can  easily  manage  to  go 
in  and  out  to  London,  and  I  don't  suppose  you  '11  keep 
his  irregular  hours.  And  he's  got  so  fond  of  it,  he 
couldn't  sleep  in  London  now,  I  believe.  Once  when 
he  happened  to  miss  the  last  train  he  walked  out 
all  the  way  across  Hampstead  Heath.  It  was  two 
o'clock  in  the  morning  when  he  got  home.  You  can 
do  it  easily,  being  a  younger  man  than  he." 

She  seemed  pleased  at  the  idea  of  my  promotion, 
and  not  in  the  least  surprised. 

"Andy  has  always  said  it  would  come,  for  he 
reckons  you  one  of  the  best  business  men  he  knows. 
He  even  said  once  that  you  could  give  any  Scotch- 
man points." 

She  laughed  heartily  at  this.  So  did  we  all,  and 
we  parted  in  the  greatest  good-humor. 

I  lost  no  time  in  interviewing  the  agent  for  Grey 
Gables,  and  in  less  than  a  week  the  lease  was  signed. 
I  had  to  take  it  on  a  seven  years'  lease,  with  a  break 
at  three  and  five,  and  I  got  it  at  a  moderate  rental. 
Some  little  repairs  and  decorating  were  necessary, 
and,  looking  back,  I  think  that  was  one  of  the  hap- 
piest periods  of  Hester's  life. 

She  was  proud  of  my  success,  and  deeply  interested 
in  her  pretty  new  house,  out  of  which  she  would  make 
a  real  home.  But  she  wept  bitterly  when  we  left  the 
house  above  the  bank,  and  though  she  did  not  say  a 
word  about  it,  I  somehow  guessed  that  it  wrung  her 
heart  to  part  finally  from  the  place  which  had  been  at 
once  the  cradle  and  the  grave  of  her  fondest  hopes. 


172  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

But  at  Grey  Gables  she  quickly  forgot,  or  seemed 
to  forget,  and  we  were  busy  right  up  till  Christmas 
getting  all  our  belongings  settled,  and  adding  a  few 
to  them.  When  all  was  finished,  it  certainly  was  a 
home  of  which  anybody  might  have  been  proud. 
Hester's  perfect  taste  kept  all  in  harmony  with  the 
kind  of  house  it  was.  There  was  nothing  garish  or 
crude  or  startling  to  the  eye.  Harmonious,  perhaps, 
is  the  word  which  best  describes  it. 

I  found  my  new  duties  congenial  enough,  but  my 
position  made  full  demands  on  all  my  powers.  At 
Christmas  we  went  down  to  Helston  to  spend  the 
Christmas  week-end  with  my  father  and  Jane.  He 
was  now  confined  to  bed,  a  poor  wreck  of  his  former 
self,  Jane  waiting  on  him  with  exemplary  devotion 
and  all  the  quiet  courage  and  cheerfulness  she  had 
taught  us  to  expect  from  her  all  her  life. 

My  father  was  pleased  to  see  us,  and  he  seemed  to 
like  to  have  Hester  sit  with  him.  She  was  able  to 
share  part  of  the  nursing  with  Jane,  and  give  her 
a  little  rest.  It  was  easy  to  see  that  the  love  between 
these  two  women  was  that  of  sisters,  and  that  they 
perfectly  understood  one  another.  I  went  twice  into 
Helston  to  see  the  Lacys,  once  to  visit  the  old  house, 
and  once  to  call  on  Ned  at  Hill  Rise. 

With  the  new  year  may  be  said  to  have  begun  the 
second  decade  of  our  married  life.  We  were  happy 
enough,  but  perhaps  neither  of  us  had  realized  the 
ideals  that  had  uplifted  us  on  that  never-to-be- 
forgotten  day  in  the  bosky  glades  of  Terveuren.  We 
had  drifted  a  good  deal  apart.  How  does  this  begin  ? 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  173 

What  first  brings  the  little  rift  which  sooner  or  later 
makes  mute  the  whole  music  of  life?  Ah,  that 
question,  like  many  another  before  me  as  I  write,  I 
find  unanswerable.  Instead  of  our  natures  being 
welded  and  run  together,  we  both  held  to  our  own 
ideas  and  desires,  with  this  inevitable  result.  Hester 
was  frankly  spiritual  and  religious;  she  could  find 
happiness  in  quiet  ways ;  she  liked  a  few  friends  and 
cherished  them  loyally;  she  loved  to  help  others,  to 
seek  out  the  sick  and  suffering  and  the  sad.  She 
could  at  all  times  cheerfully  go  without,  so  that 
others  might  be  the  gainers.  My  nature,  on  the 
other  hand,  shrank  from  unpleasant  things.  I  was 
willing  and  eager  to  do  my  duty,  so  far  as  I  saw  it, 
but  I  wanted  swift  recognition;  I  needed  material 
gifts  to  prove  the  worth  of  life.  And  I  craved  for  a 
number  of  things  from  which  I  had  been  cut  off  since 
my  marriage,  more  by  association  and  example  than 
compulsion.  Hester  liked  quiet  evenings  with  her 
books  and  work;  her  long,  hard,  early  training  had 
taught  her  to  find  her  pleasure  in  the  simplest  things ; 
also  she  could  never  reconcile  the  spending  of  money 
on  selfish  pleasures  with  the  need  which  everywhere 
abounded.  It  was  useless  to  argue  with  her.  Some- 
times, when  I  got  cross,  she  just  slipped  away  as  if 
she  could  not  bear  another  word. 

She  was  always  willing  to  entertain  at  our  own 
house,  and  she  did  it  well,  too.  I  could  invite  a  dozen 
men  to  dinner,  certain  that  the  menu  and  the  cooking 
would  leave  nothing  to  be  desired.  But  she  had  no 
desire,  vulgarly  speaking,  to  cut  a  dash.  Had  I  been 


174  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

married  to  Maud  Lacy  we  should  probably,  by  com- 
bining our  respective  incomes,  have  taken  a  house  in 
London  and  proceeded  to  enjoy  life.  My  new  sphere 
of  labor  gave  me  practically  unlimited  opportunities 
of  seeing  Maud.  Scarcely  a  week  passed  without  our 
meeting  during  that  first  winter.  She  transferred 
her  banking  account  to  my  branch,  which  gave  her 
an  excuse,  if  she  needed  one,  for  frequent  visits  to  the 
city.  Then,  as  one  of  the  administrators  of  her 
father's  estate,  I  had  no  choice  but  to  advise  her 
regarding  her  money,  if  she  chose  to  ask  me  She 
was  frankly  keen  about  money,  and  always  on  the 
trail  of  new  investments.  I  have  never  met  a  woman 
with  the  money  sense  more  highly  developed.  Her 
consultations  with  me  were  a  mere  farce,  because  she 
generally  took  her  own  way  where  investments  were 
concerned.  I  sometimes  accused  her  of  having 
somebody  else  to  advise  her  in  the  background,  but 
she  laughingly  assured  me  that  was  not  so. 

"Fact  is,  Gibbie,  you  men  don't  like  any  poaching 
on  your  preserves.  But  a  woman  with  her  head 
screwed  on  the  right  way  ought  to  do  well  on  the 
Stock  Exchange,  for  she  has  her  sixth  sense  to  guide 
her,  don't  you  see?  There  isn't  an  atom  of  intuition 
or  imagination  in  your  nature." 

She  said  this  apropos  of  a  particularly  speculative 
flutter  against  which  I  was  warning  her.  It  had  to  do 
with  Siberian  mines,  and  was  then  making  a  certain 
stir  in  financial  circles. 

There  is  no  doubt  that  high  finance  has  con- 
siderable fascination  for  a  certain  type  of  woman. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  175; 

They  are  guided  by  no  known  laws  of  logic,  yet  it  is. 
undeniable  that  the  few  who  had  taken  up  the  pur- 
suit seriously  have  without  exception  achieved  not- 
able success.  Maud  bade  fair  to  add  another  to  the 
number,  and  I  beheld  her  growing  more  and  more 
eager  regarding  all  the  tortuous  ramifications  of 
financial  life.  She  used  it  to  fill  up  her  idle  time  with, 
just  as  other  women  pay  calls,  or  take  part  in  chari- 
table work,  or  accomplish  unlimited  fancy  work. 
She  did  not  seem  to  deteriorate  under  it  at  first.  She 
was  a  creature  that  throve  best  in  an  atmosphere 
of  unrest  and  continuous  change.  Relegated  to  the 
ordinary  routine  of  the  average  woman's  life,  she 
instantly  became  either  hopelessly  dull  or  irritable 
in  temper.  The  domestic  r61e,  as  we  have  seen,  had 
no  call  for  her  at  all.  Circumstances  had  strangely 
favored  all  her  predilections.  At  the  end  of  the 
first  year  in  the  Marylebone  flat  she  had  nearly 
doubled  her  capital,  and  was  still  going  on  manip- 
ulating it,  with  a  courage  and  daring  which  would 
have  made  honest  and  slow-going  operators  stand 
aghast.  She  was  looking  brilliant  that  March 
morning  when  we  discussed  the  Siberian  business  in 
my  private  room  at  Gracechurch  Street.  She  was 
such  a  frequent  visitor  there  that  sometimes  I  had 
qualms  as  to  what  my  clerks  and  others  might 
think.  There  is  no  man  immune  from  such  visitors 
in  his  city  office,  and  the  tragedy  of  many  a  home 
has  had  its  foundations  laid  in  the  private  room  of  a 
business  house  in  the  city.  There  are  certain 
prowlers  who  lie  in  wait  for  the  city  man  under  every 


176  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

sort  of  guise,  and  it  stands  to  his  full  credit  if  he 
escapes.  They  come  in  every  guise — as  nurses, 
as  collectors  for  charities,  as  the  daughters  or  sisters 
of  city  men  who  have  fallen  on  evil  times.  Maud, 
however,  came  frankly  as  a  friend,  and  as  a  business 
colleague. 

We  were  embarked  on  the  same  enterprise,  the 
making  of  money,  and  part  of  her  luck  seemed  to 
stray  in  my  direction.  Already  I  had  made  some 
very  successful  deals  for  myself,  and  the  fever  and 
fascination  were  growing.  There  is  no  other  like 
it  in  the  whole  category  of  human  experience,  but 
the  end  is  not  peace. 

Maud  was  looking  radiant.  She  was  now  well  on 
the  shady  side  of  thirty,  but  dressed  with  such  cun- 
ning art  that  she  could  easily  have  passed  for  twenty- 
five.  Her  life  of  selfish  ease  and  luxury  had  kept  her 
handsome  face  unlined,  and  her  eyes  were  bright 
and  clear,  her  whole  personality  breathing  life  and 
vivacity. 

"So  you  think  I  shouldn't  touch  it,  old  croaker; 
but  I'm  going  to.  I've  gone  into  it,  Gibbie,  and 
it 's  going  to  be  the  most  splendid  catch  of  the  season. 
And  there's  really  a  deputation  going  out  to  inter- 
view the  Czar  at  St.  Petersburg  to  try  to  get  a 
perpetual  concession.  Have  you  heard  that?" 

I  knew  all  about  it,  and  it  was  even  on  the  cards 
that  I  might  be  asked  to  join  in,  but  for  reasons  of 
diplomacy  and  prudence  I  had  not  mentioned  it  to 
Maud  Lacy.  The  man  who  is  determined  to  climb 
to  the  highest  heights  of  finance  does  not  give  his 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  177 

secrets  away  to  any  woman,  even  the  one  in  whom  he 
is  most  deeply  interested.  I  trusted  Maud's  judg- 
ment and  acumen  in  most  things,  but  she  was 
impulsive.  Several  times  she  had  nearly  ruined  a 
project  by  haste  and  indiscretion.  It  might  be  said 
of  her  that  in  financial  life  she  had  succeeded  in 
spite  of,  and  not  because  of,  her  nature  and  pro- 
cedure. Cautious  to  the  last  degree  now,  because 
Maud  had  on  more  than  one  occasion  lured  me  to 
indiscreet  revelations,  I  merely  remarked  that  I  had 
heard  of  it,  and  that  it  had  been  in  the  air  for  a 
considerable  time — indeed,  for  the  better  part 
of  a  year. 

"Well,  if  it  really  goes,  I'm  there,  Gibbie;  I've 
never  seen  Petersburg,  and  there's  something  in 
Russia  calling  to  me.  They're  half  savages,  I 
know,  but  they  appeal.  I'm  only  half  civilized 
myself." 

"You  would  have  to  take  an  independent  journey, 
Maud,  for  they  wouldn't  let  you  even  travel  in 
'co,'  I  doubt,"  I  said,  and  at  the  same  time  registered 
a  vow  that  if  I  was  to  be  of  the  party  I  should  keep 
my  finger  on  all  its  plans  until  it  should  be  safely 
on  its  way.  I  still  liked  Maud  as  much  as  ever, 
but  to  be  associated  with  her  in  any  such  manner 
would  be  disastrous  for  me  in  my  present  position. 
I  was  even  then  devising  means  whereby  I  could 
evade  her  in  Gracechurch  Street.  I  fancied  that 
my  confidential  clerk  had  a  significant  and  unusual 
expression  on  his  face  each  time  he  admitted  her. 

"Oh,  I  know  how  frightened  they  are  of  a  woman's 
12 


178  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

intervention.  I'll  tell  you  what,  Gibbie;  it's  fear 
that's  at  the  bottom  of  men's  desire  to  keep  us  out 
of  things.  They  know  that  half  the  time  we  should 
get  ahead  of  them  at  every  step.  Some  day  we  are 
going  to  rise  en  masse  and  show  'em,  and  I'll  be 
there  at  the  very  head  of  the  procession." 

The  Suffrage  movement  was  then  in  its  infancy, 
and  was  engineered  by  a  band  of  devoted  and 
moderate-minded  women  who  had  no  part  or  lot 
with  the  present  methods.  Maud  Lacy  is,  as  she 
predicted,  in  the  very  front  ranks  of  the  militant 
movement,  and  has  shown  a  courage  and  devotion 
to  the  cause  which  have  astonished  those  who  knew 
her  best.  But  I  am  anticipating.  I  must  get  back 
to  the  discussion  on  Siberian  mines  in  Gracechurch 
Street. 

We  were  still  in  the  thick  of  it,  when  Dudgeon,  my 
confidential  clerk,  opened  the  door  suddenly  and 
announced  Mrs.  Trent. 

I  don't  know  why  he  did  that,  and  I  never  had  the 
courage  to  call  him  to  account  for  it.  The  unwritten 
code  of  procedure  in  the  office  was  for  me  to  be 
informed  of  any  client  waiting  to  see  me  outside. 
Never  by  any  chance  was  one  shown  in  upon  the 
other.  I  have  often  wondered  whether  Dudgeon, 
disapproving  of  Miss  Lacy's  frequent  visits,  did  it 
with  deliberation.  He  was  a  hatchet-faced  young 
man,  very  reticent,  a  good  plodder,  and  reliable  in 
every  relation  of  his  life.  Because  my  own  con- 
science was  not  just  then  quite  at  ease,  I  forbore  to 
question  him  later  about  his  breach  of  good  manners. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  179 

But  I  flushed  with  anger  and  cast  a  meaning  glance 
upon  him  as  I  leaped  to  my  feet. 

Maud,  smiling  a  little  wickedly,  rose  too.  This 
was  only  the  second  time  Hester  had  been  in  my 
private  room.  She  was  not  the  sort  of  woman  who 
makes  endless  journeys  to  town,  and  is  always 
asking  her  husband  to  meet  her  for  lunch  or  shopping 
expeditions  at  seasons  highly  inconvenient  to  him. 
She  stopped  at  home  and  attended  to  her  own  duties. 
But  it  might  have  been  better  for  me  had  she  been 
less  exemplary  in  that  respect. 

She  nodded  coolly  and  rather  haughtily,  I  thought, 
to  Maud,  and  immediately  addressed  me,  at  the  same 
time  drawing  a  telegram  from  the  flap  of  her  bag. 

"From  Jane,"  she  said  briefly.  "Your  father 
died  this  morning.  I  am  on  my  way  down  now,  but 
I  thought  I  had  better  come  to  you  first.  You  see, 
Jane  asks  me  to." 

She  turned  her  back  on  Maud,  and  in  its  way  I  had 
never  encountered  anything  finer  than  her  complete 
ignoring  of  the  other  woman's  presence. 

As  I  was  studying  the  telegram,  with  the  stunned 
feeling  which  such  information  seldom  fails  to  bring 
with  it,  Maud  spoke: 

"I'll  be  toddling,  Gilbert.  Sorry,  old  man,  very 
sorry.  My  love  and  sympathy  to  Jane.  We  must 
thrash  out  the  Siberian  business  another  day." 

She  passed  out,  and  Hester  faced  me  quite  pale 
and  rather  cold.  She  looked  her  worst  at  the 
moment,  for  the  black  clothes  she  had  hastily  fur- 
bished up  from  a  wardrobe  never  at  any  time 


180  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

extravagant,  did  not  become  her.  Hester  required 
soft,  delicate  tones,  exquisite  and  elusive  combina- 
tions, to  bring  out  her  refined  coloring. 

"What  are  you  going  to  do,  Gilbert?"  she  asked 
quietly.  "You  see,  Jane  wants  me  to  come  at  once. 
I  have  just  time  to  catch  the  twelve-twenty." 

Not  a  word  of  sympathy  or  affectionate  solicitude, 
which  such  an  occasion  might  be  expected  to  call 
forth!  I  knew  that  something  had  snapped  in  her 
at  the  moment,  but  I  had  no  idea  of  the  intensity 
of  her  suffering. 

She  was  completely  mistress  of  herself. 

"What  do  you  think?"  I  stuttered.  "Had  I 
better  go  or  wait  till  later?  I  have  a  busy  day  in 
front." 

"You  must  please  yourself,"  she  answered.  "I 
am  going  now." 

She  waited  a  minute  or  two,  but  when  I  did  not  say 
anything  she  simply  walked  out.  This  was  such  an 
extraordinary  proceeding  on  Hester's  part  that  for 
the  moment  it  dwarfed  the  other  happening.  I  did 
not  pretend  to  any  acute  sorrow  for  my  father. 
He  was  an  old  man,  and  the  end  was  not  in  the  least 
unexpected.  For  the  last  year  he  had  been  prac- 
tically dead  to  the  world,  and  suffering  a  good  deal. 
I  did  not  follow  her.  It  was  only  after  I  heard  the 
jingle  of  the  hansom  bells  as  she  drove  away  that  I 
seemed  to  awake.  In  five  minutes  I  was  in  another 
hansom,  following  her.  I  arrived  at  King's  Cross  in 
time  to  take  her  ticket  and  my  own. 

We  journeyed  out  to  Helston  together,  but  did 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  181 

not  exchange  a  single  word  for  at  least  half  the  way. 
I  wanted  to  say  something  desperately,  but  could  not. 
Hester  gave  me  no  assistance,  but  sat  in  the  farther 
corner  of  the  compartment  which  we  had  to  our- 
selves, watching  the  slightly  snow-drifted  landscape 
whirling  by. 

At  last  I  spoke  a  trifle  desperately. 

"Perhaps  you  wondered  at  seeing  Miss  Lacy  in  my 
room  this  morning?  She  consults  me  about  her 
investments,  as  you  know.  We  were  discussing 
a  Siberian  mine  at  the  very  moment  you  were 
announced  by  that  idiot  Dudgeon." 

Hester  looked  round,  and  I  can  never  forget  the 
expression  of  her  face.  It  was  as  if  a  mask  had 
dropped  over  it. 

"I  am  not  in  the  least  interested  in  Miss  Lacy's 
investments,"  was  all  she  said. 


CHAPTER  XI 

After  the  funeral,  Jane  came  to  us  for  a  couple  of 
months.  We  divided  our  father's  belongings  between 
us — that  is  to  say,  Jane  had  her  pick  which  she  put  in 
store  for  some  future  home,  while  I  had  a  few  things 
for  old  associations'  sake,  and  they  accorded  well 
with  the  interior  of  Grey  Gables. 

I  must  add  that  she  was  left  with  a  sufficient 
income  to  live  upon. 

It  was  very  pleasant  having  her  there  at  first,  the 
complete  understanding  and  affection  between  her 
and  Hester  making  it  a  genuine  pleasure  for  them 
to  be  together.  It  also  left  me  much  freer,  for  after 
we  moved  to  Grey  Gables  I  had  had  sundry  qualms 
about  the  many  hours  my  wife  had  to  spend  alone. 
It  was  a  lonely  house,  and  our  only  manservant  was 
the  gardener,  who  lived  in  the  little  cottage  at  the 
gate.  Hester's  chief  companions  were  a  couple  of 
Aberdeen  terriers  the  Yuills  had  given  her  as  a 
Christmas  gift,  and  to  which  she  was  much  attached. 
We  had  altered  our  domestic  arrangements  to  suit 
my  city  hours,  and  now  dined  at  eight  o'clock,  by 
which  time  I  tried  conscientiously,  at  least  during 
the  first  year,  to  get  home. 

I  was  gone  by  half -past  eight  each  morning,  so  for 
182 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  183 

twelve  hours  Hester  was  left  wholly  to  her  own 
devices,  and  after  a  time  I  had  not  very  many  ques- 
tions to  ask  as  to  how  she  spent  her  days. 

I  had  the  sort  of  idea  that  she  visited  the  poor  in 
the  few  slums  we  possessed,  went  to  church  services 
and  Dorcas  societies,  and  attended  numerous  tea 
parties  among  her  intimates.  She  divided  her  time 
pretty  equally  between  the  Rectory  and  The  Yews, 
and  her  intimacy  with  the  Yuills  was  the  chief 
buttress  of  her  life.  Most  Sundays,  of  course,  we 
spent  together,  or,  to  put  it  more  correctly,  I  did 
not  go  to  town,  but  spent  my  whole  morning  on  the 
golf  course,  and  slept  all  the  afternoon.  My  habit 
of  church-going  did  not  last  with  any  regularity. 
Occasionally  I  accompanied  Hester  to  Evensong, 
but  never  in  the  morning  after  we  went  to  Grey 
Gables.  I  had  not  taken  a  Communion  since  my 
city  life  began.  I  thought  little  of  these  things,  and 
had  no  idea  of  what  they  meant  to  Hester,  how  she 
dwelt  upon  them  with  anguished  spirit.  You  see, 
she  never  spoke  of  them.  Had  she  been  a  little 
more  frank  and  open — but  there — what  is  the  use  of 
asking  such  questions  ?  Her  nature  required  careful 
handling,  the  kind  of  handling  it  did  not  get.  She 
never  alluded  again  to  her  meeting  with  Maud  Lacy 
in  the  office  at  Gracechurch  Street,  and  I  thought 
she  had  forgotten  it.  We  led  a  curious,  detached 
kind  of  life  with  occasional  sunbursts  of  happiness 
and  comradeship,  but  quite  steadily  and  without 
any  apparent  effort  on  either  part  to  prevent  it, 
we  drifted  farther  apart.  We  had  distinct  and 


i84  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

separate  lives,  and  beyond  the  fact  that  I  was  happy 
in  my  work  at  Gracechurch  Street,  and  had  fully 
justified  the  confidence  placed  in  me,  Hester  knew 
little  or  nothing  about  my  city  life.  My  argument, 
had  I  been  brought  to  book,  was  that  she  did  not 
understand  it,  and  was  not  deeply  interested.  She 
knew  that  we  were  prospering,  for  I  kept  on  in- 
creasing her  allowances,  until  she  laughingly  said 
she  had  enough.  Money  makes  money,  and  I  saw 
my  investments  turning  out  successfully  and  promis- 
ing to  make  me  a  rich  man  before  I  had  passed  life's 
meridian.  Occasionally  Maud  would  twit  me  with 
the  little  enjoyment  I  got  out  of  life,  and  told  me  I 
was  nothing  but  a  money  grubber. 

On  more  than  one  occasion,  far  oftener,  indeed, 
than  I  care  to  set  down,  she  persuaded  me  to  dine 
out  with  her  and  go  to  a  theatre.  I  had  many  such 
evenings,  and  Hester  was  unaware  that  I,  too,  kept  a 
dress  suit  in  town  at  the  club  I  had  joined  for 
convenience'  sake. 

One  day,  after  Jane  had  been  with  us  about  six 
weeks,  and  we  were  taking  a  walk  together  in  one  of 
the  pretty  lanes  with  which  Totteridge  abounds,  she 
surprised  me  with  rather  an  abrupt  question: 

"Gib,  I'm  not  very  satisfied  about  Hester.  Why 
don't  you  look  after  her  better?" 

"Please  explain  what  you  mean,"  I  said  rather 
hotly.  "I  don't  see  anything  whatever  the  matter 
with  her.  I  was  only  thinking  this  morning  at 
breakfast  how  well  she  was  looking." 

"Oh,  I  don't  mean  her  health — that,  I  think,  is  all 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  185 

right,  though  sometimes  she  looks  a  little  wan  all  of 
a  sudden,  and  then  I  feel  afraid.  But  I  don't  think, 
honestly,  that  she's  very  happy." 

"Not  happy!  why,  what  grounds  have  you  for 
saying  that?" 

"Oh,  I  might  tabulate  a  few,  only  I  don't  happen 
to  be  a  meddler,  Gilbert,"  Jane  replied  in  her  quiet, 
possessed  manner,  which  few  things  could  perturb, 
' '  but  I  've  been  here  living  with  her  intimately  for  six 
weeks,  and  I  know  there's  something  wrong.  So 
often  I  get  with  her  the  feeling  of  the  closed  door." 

"Do  you  mean  that  she  is  leading  a  double  life?" 
I  asked  with  an  uneasy  laugh. 

"No,  but  it  might  mean  that  you  are  doing  that, 
Gibbie,"  she  said  quite  quietly  and  unexpectedly. 
Under  her  steady  gaze  my  face  flushed. 

"What  Tommy-rot,  Jane!  Since  you  began  to 
write  fiction  your  imagination  runs  away  with  you! 
What  chance  has  a  man  whose  nose  is  so  closely 
at  the  grindstone  to  lead  a  double  life?  It's  pre- 
posterous, and  I  can't  compliment  you  either  on  your 
acumen  or  your  tact." 

"I  don't  mind  about  your  compliments  at  the 
present  moment,"  observed  Jane  serenely.  "What 
does  concern  me  is  Hester,  and  that  little  pathetic 
droop  about  her  lips  and  the  hunger  in  her  eyes." 

"I'll  speak  to  Hester,"  I  said  quickly.  "I'll  ask 
her  whether  she's  unhappy." 

"That  won't  do  much  good,  for,  of  course,  she'll 
answer  'No.'  She's  left  far  too  much  alone.  If 
these  weeks  are  a  sample  of  your  ordinary  home  life, 


1 86  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

it 's  a  wonder  Hester  does  not  rebel.  I  should  in  her 
place.  If  I  married  a  man  I  should  expect  him  to 
give  me  a  little  of  his  time." 

"Hester  fully  understands  my  position  in  the  city. 
She  understood  what  would  be  involved  in  the  change 
from  the  beginning.  We  talked  it  all  over  first,"  I 
said  loftily. 

Jane  listened  unperturbed  and  unconvinced. 

"I'm  going  to  say  something  else  to  you,  Gibbie, 
and  I  don't  mind  really  whether  you  take  offence  or 
not.  I  've  a  right  to  speak.  I  had  lunch  with  Cyril 
Lacy  on  Wednesday  when  I  was  in  town,  and  he 
told  me  that  you  go  a  great  deal  to  Maud's  flat  and 
often  dine  out  with  her  and  go  to  theatres." 

"Cyril  is  a  gas-bag,  and  you  can't  believe  all  he 
says.  He  was  pulling  your  leg,"  I  said  rudely,  but 
I  did  not  meet  her  eyes. 

"Then  it  is  true,"  she  said  in  her  voice  of  quiet 
assurance,  which  at  the  moment  so  irritated  me  that 
I  lost  my  temper. 

"Hester  knows  perfectly  well  that  I  have  to  see 
Maud  on  business  matters,  as  I'm  one  of  the  exec- 
utors." 

"Yes,  but  it  isn't  part  of  an  executor's  duties,  that 
I  have  ever  heard  of,  to  dine  out  and  go  to  theatres 
with  the  legatee,"  said  Jane  with  her  maddening 
straightness  of  tongue. 

I  turned  upon  her  rather  savagely. 

"I'll  tell  you  what,  Jane — if  you've  come  here 
as  a  censor  and  general  scavenger  where  your  services 
are  not  required,  you  'd  better  shift  your  camp.  As 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  187 

for  that  young  ass  Cyril,  I  '11  wring  his  neck  first  time 
I  see  him." 

She  merely  sighed,  and,  turning  rather  abruptly, 
said  we  had  better  go  back. 

' '  I  had  made  up  my  mind  to  leave  next  week.  I  'm 
going  to  Paris  for  the  three  months.  I  may  take  a 
flat  there  for  the  winter  if  I  like  it.  Would  you  have 
any  objection  if  I  took  Hester  with  me  for  a  week 
or  two,  now?  She  needs  a  change.  We'd  go  to 
Belgium  first ;  she  wants  to  go  back  to  Brussels,  and 
we  might  have  a  few  days  at  the  sea — perhaps  at 
St.  Jacques,  or  some  of  these  queer  little  places  on 
the  Brittany  coast." 

"I've  no  objection  whatever.  You  can  please 
yourselves.  Hester  generally  does,  but  if  she  had 
wanted  to  go  back  to  Brussels,  why,  in  Heaven's 
name  didn't  she  mention  it  ?  She  might  have  known 
I  would  have  been  very  glad  to  have  taken  her." 

"It  was  your  business  to  find  it  out,"  said  Jane, 
without  a  moment's  hesitation.  "Seeing  you  so 
busy  and  so  much  engaged,  she  would  naturally 
hesitate  to  make  any  claim  for  herself.  Unfortu- 
nately for  you,  she's  that  reserved  kind  of  woman. 
Well,  will  you  make  it  right  with  Hester?  She 
won't  go  unless  the  suggestion  comes  from  you." 

"She's  a  beastly  martyr  to  duty,  and  if  she  only 
knew  how  the  average  man  loathes  that  sort  of 
pose!"  I  cried  irritably.  "Of  course,  I'll  speak  to 
her.  I'll  give  her  a  good  shaking  up." 

"When  did  you  say  you  were  going?"  I  asked, 
after  we  had  walked  a  few  hundred  yards  in  silence. 


i88  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

"The  latter  end  of  next  week.  I'll  probably  stop 
a  month  in  Belgium,  for,  of  course,  it's  all  new  to 
me.  I  want  to  get  to  Paris  by  the  beginning  of 

July." 

"It'll  be  beastly  hot  in  Paris  then." 

"Oh,  I  can  stand  it.  I  like  heat,"  she  said  lightly. 
"  I  '11  spend  the  rest  of  the  time  at  the  coast  and  make 
excursions.  I  should  like  to  keep  Hester  a  whole 
month." 

"Well,  there  isn't  any  reason  why  you  shouldn't. 
It  will  fit  in  very  well,  as  I  expect  to  go  to  St.  Peters- 
burg within  the  next  fortnight.  I  shall  be  three 
weeks  away,  at  least.  It  will  be  all  the  holiday  I 
shall  get,  and,  of  course,  as  it  is  a  purely  business 
journey,  I  couldn't  take  Hester." 

"Russia  would  interest  her.  She  knows  such  a 
lot  about  the  country.  You've  no  idea  how  much 
she  reads,  and  she  even  knows  something  of  the 
language.  Could  n't  we  both  go  with  you,  and  then 
go  off  on  our  own  when  we  get  there?  We  should 
only  be  nominally  of  the  party,  but  I  don't  think 
two  women  could  travel  independently  in  that 
country  at  the  present  time." 

"They  certainly  couldn't,  and  what  you  suggest 
is  perfectly  impossible,"  I  replied  with  a  kind  of  cold 
haste.  "Besides,  the  Syndicate  would  certainly 
object,  and  probably  chuck  me,  if  I  made  any  such 
suggestion.  It's  a  chance  I  can't  afford  to  miss." 

"I  don't  mind  so  long  as  you  give  me  Hester,  and 
make  her  comfortable  in  her  mind  about  it,"  said 
Jane. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  189 

"I'll  do  that,  of  course,  and  I'll  tell  you  what — if 
we  get  the  business  of  the  Syndicate  through  with  any 
sort  of  expedition,  I'll  join  you  for  a  week  or  ten 
days  wherever  you  happen  to  be,  and  give  you  the 
time  of  your  lives.  I  'm  entitled  to  a  month,  anyway, 
and  my  directors  won't  grudge  it,  I'm  sure.  How 
will  that  do?" 

"Nicely.  I'm  glad  we've  had  this  talk,  Gilbert, 
and  please  don't  bear  me  any  malice  for  it.  I 
simply  had  to  speak;  and  I  shouldn't  see  too  much 
of  Maud  Lacy  if  I  were  you.  She  hasn't  an  atom  of 
principle  in  her  composition.  I  can't  imagine  how 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Lacy  ever  managed  to  have  such 
a  child." 

I  went  into  my  own  den  and  smoked  hard  for  an 
hour  after  this  talk,  and  then,  having  carefully  sorted 
out  all  my  bearings,  as  it  were,  proceeded  in  search 
of  Hester.  She  always  went  to  her  room  for  two 
hours  on  Sunday  afternoon  —  I  supposed  that  she 
went  to  sleep.  We  had  a  large,  old-fashioned  bed- 
room with  a  roomy  dressing  room  adjoining,  in 
which  I  had  asked  her  to  put  up  a  single  bedstead, 
explaining  that  it  would  be  handy  if  I  happened  to  be 
very  late,  and  did  not  wish  to  disturb  her. 

She  had  not  made  any  demur,  though  I  had  seen 
a  little  startled  look  leap  in  her  eyes.  I  had  used  the 
dressing  room  a  good  many  times,  though  the  door 
between,  of  course,  was  never  locked. 

I  went  through  it,  and  found  Hester  on  the  couch 
between  the  two  long  windows  with  her  writing  pad 
on  her  knee.  She  looked  a  little  startled  at  my 


i9o  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

entrance,  and  drew  an  embroidered  linen  cover  over 
the  writing  pad. 

"Writing  to  one  of  your  numerous  admirers!"  I 
said  banteringly,  as  I  bent  to  kiss  her.  "Never 
mind,  I'm  not  jealous." 

"You  need  n't  be,"  she  answered  lightly,  too. 
' '  Have  you  had  a  pleasant  walk,  dear,  and  what  have 
you  done  with  Jane?" 

"Haven't  seen  her  since  we  came  in  about  an  hour 
ago.  She  tells  me  she  wants  to  leave  us  next 
week." 

I  stood  against  the  mantelpiece,  on  which  I  leaned 
my  elbow,  at  the  same  time  taking  a  private  inven- 
tory of  Hester's  looks.  She  wore  a  lilac  frock  of  a 
very  delicate  and  beautiful  shade,  which,  while  most 
becoming,  undoubtedly  accentuated  the  fair  fragility 
of  her  looks.  She  was  certainly  thinner,  and  when 
not  smiling  her  expression  was  a  little  sad. 

"Is  there  anything  vexing  or  troubling  you?"  I 
asked  bluntly,  though  I  had  intended  to  be  very 
diplomatic  in  my  behavior,  to  find  out  things  by 
suggestion  rather  than  by  actual  questioning.  But 
so  seldom  can  we  act  precisely  on  the  lines  we  lay 
down  for  ourselves. 

She  smiled  at  me  across  the  space  then  quite 
happily. 

"Oh,  no,  Gilbert,  nothing  whatever." 

"And  are  you  feeling  quite  well?  Jane  has  got  it 
into  her  silly  old  head  that  you  are  not  very  well, 
either  in  body  or  mind.  She  has  been  treating  me 
to  a  kind  of  court-martial  on  the  head  of  it.  I  said 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  191 

I  did  not  think  there  could  be  much  wrong,  or  I 
should  have  heard  of  it." 

' '  I  am  quite  well,  and  Jane  does  her  best  to  spoil 
me,  Gibbie,"  she  answered  lightly.  "I  am  going  to 
miss  her  very  much,  I  'm  afraid,  and  I  've  been  trying 
to  persuade  her  to  come  and  live  with  us  altogether." 

"That  was  a  mistake,  dear,  and  I  am  glad  Jane 
had  the  common  sense  to  know  it,"  I  put  in  quickly. 

"How  could  it  be  a  mistake?  We  both  love  her, 
don't  we?  And  there  could  not  be  a  more  delightful 
visitor,  even  regarding  her  from  the  ordinary  visitor's 
standpoint.  She  never  intrudes  herself,  or  expects 
to  be  entertained,  but  is  always  ready  if  I  want  her 
for  anything." 

"Married  people  are  best  alone,"  I  remarked, 
getting  out  the  weary  old  platitude  with  considerable 
force.  "Perhaps  she'll  marry  some  day.  I'm  sure 
I  hope  she  will.  It  would  be  the  making  of  her. 
She's  getting  rather  old  maidish  in  parts." 

A  little  rippling  smile  flitted  for  a  moment  across 
Hester's  grave  lips. 

"I  don't  think  there  is  anything  old  maidish  about 
her;  why,  she  never  gets  a  day  older.  Do  you  know 
what  I  should  like,  Gib,  though  I  'm  sure  I  'm  indis- 
creet to  whisper  it  to  you — I  wish  she  would  marry 
Mr.  Yuill.  It  would  be  so  good  for  them  both,  and 
then  Christina  would  get  away  back  to  her  beloved 
Glen  Isla." 

I  could  not  help  smiling,  too;  the  project  seemed 
to  afford  her  so  much  delight. 

"I  don't  think  you  had  better  add  the  r61e  of 


i92  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

matchmaker  to  your  other  accomplishments,  dar- 
ling," I  said  lightly.  "I  don't  agree  with  you  at 
all.  I'm  sure  from  what  I  know  of  Yuill,  and  of 
Jane,  they'd  certainly  quarrel.  Yuill 's  as  dour 
and  pigheaded  as  they  are  made,  and  Jane's  a  bit 
bossy,  you'll  admit." 

"Jane!    Oh,  Gilbert,  she's  a  perfect  dear." 

"You  don't  know  her  half  so  well  as  I  do;  I  was 
under  her  petticoat  government  for  a  good  many 
years,"  I  said,  not  caring  how  unjust  my  statements 
were  at  the  moment.  She  had  never  interfered  with 
us  at  home,  or  passed  any  comments  on  our  actions, 
and  she  had  only  spoken  now,  I  knew  very  well,  out 
of  her  love  for  Hester. 

"But  we  needn't  waste  our  time  discussing  our 
relatives  and  friends,  need  we?"  I  asked,  reproached 
by  the  somewhat  puzzled  look  in  Hester's  eyes. 
"Do  you  want  to  go  abroad  with  Jane  just  now?  It 
can  be  arranged  if  you  would  like  it,  and  I  could  come 
and  spend  part  of  my  holidays  with  you." 

"And  the  other  part?"  she  said  inquiringly. 

"I'll  have  to  take  it  out  in  accompanying  the 
Syndicate  to  St.  Petersburg,"  I  said,  and  would  have 
evaded  her  straight  glance,  only  it  was  impossible. 
"They've  arranged  to  start  on  the  igth." 

"And  how  long  do  you  expect  to  be  in  Russia?" 

I  fancied  a  little  chill  note  in  her  voice,  though  it 
was  so  quiet. 

"About  a  fortnight.  Jane  tells  me  she  thinks  of 
going  to  the  Brittany  coast  for  a  week  or  two.  She 
has  unearthed  some  wonderful  convent  which  she 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  193 

thinks  is  going  to  make  a  suitable  background  for  one 
of  her  stories.  Do  you  think  you  would  care  for  that 
kind  of  holiday,  Hester,  and  shall  I  come  to  you 
there,  or  meet  you  in  Paris?" 

"I  shouldn't  care  for  Paris  very  much  in  July, 
Gilbert,  and,  you  see,  I  know  it  so  very  well  it  would 
not  even  have  the  charm  of  novelty,  though  I  should, 
of  course,  enjoy  showing  it  to  Jane." 

"Well,  you  and  she  can  have  a  pow-wow,  and  let 
me  know  the  net  result.  All  I'm  anxious  about  is 
that  you  should  have  a  good  time." 

"Oh,  I  shall  have,  Gilbert.  I'm  not  very  difficult 
to  please,"  she  said  in  a  low  voice.  "But  I  should 
like  to  go  to  Russia  with  you.  It  could  not  be  ar- 
ranged, I  suppose?  I  can  efface  myself,  and  I  know 
French  so  perfectly,  besides  a  little  Russian,  I 
should  be  able  to  get  about  by  myself.  I  have  even 
two  friends  in  Petersburg  who  used  to  be  governesses 
in  Brussels.  I  should  not  be  in  your  way  at  all." 

I  was  completely  nonplussed  by  this  straight  and 
unexpected  question. 

"Jane  asked  the  same  thing,  Hester,  but  you  must 
see  for  yourself  how  perfectly  impossible  it  is.  The 
Syndicate  consists  of  five  or  six  picked  men  with  but 
one  idea  in  their  heads,  the  successful  carrying 
through  of  the  mining  concession.  It  may  be  a  very 
long  business,  for  the  Czar  has  never  been  more 
inaccessible  than  at  the  present  moment.  The 
amount  of  diplomacy  and  backstairs  influence  re- 
quired will  pass  all  conception.  It  may  be  a  matter 
of  months  instead  of  weeks." 

13 


i94  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

"Then  what  is  the  use  of  your  going  for  a  fort- 
night?" 

"I  can't  afford  to  refuse  the  invitation  to  join  the 
party.  It  gives  me  a  chance  of  insight  which 
would  not  come  in  my  way  again.  You  are  not  go- 
ing to  be  selfish,  Hester?  You  never  have  been  so, 
and  you  know  how  important  these  things  are." 

"I  don't  want  to  be  selfish,  of  course.  I  hope  you 
have  n't  found  me  so,  but  what  I  would  like  to  know 
is  why  Jane  and  I  could  not  join  the  party  as  well  as 
Miss  Lacy." 

I  started  and  I  felt  my  color  rise. 

"Who  told  you  Miss  Lacy  was  going?" 

"Cyril." 

"Cyril's  a  meddlesome  young  ass,  and  wants 
talking  to.  His  sister  may  have  said  in  fun  that  she 
wanted  to  go  to  Russia,  but  I  assure  you,  if  she 
should,  she  will  have  to  make  an  independent 
journey,  just  as  you  and  Jane  would  have  to  do  if  you 
went.  It  is  a  foregone  conclusion  that  a  Syndicate 
like  that,  consisting  of  the  bigwigs  of  financial  life, 
won't  be  hampered  with  women-folk  on  a  journey  so 
important  and  so  purely  of  a  business  nature.  No- 
body goes  to  Russia  at  this  season  of  the  year,  unless 
obliged.  The  heat  in  Petersburg  will  be  overpower- 
ing, and  the  sanitary  arrangements  leave  much  to 
be  desired.  Besides,  we  may  be  going  into  Siberia." 

Hester  smiled  a  little,  the  smile  of  superior 
knowledge. 

"Mademoiselle  Destinn  assures  me  July  is  the 
perfect  month,"  she  said  in  her  voice  of  provoking 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  195 

quiet.  "But  don't  let  us  say  any  more  about  it, 
Gilbert.  Jane  and  I  will  go  to  Brittany,  and  if  you 
can  join  us  later  on  we  shall  be  very  glad.  If  not, 
well,  I  shall  not  be  any  more  disappointed  than  usual, 
that  is  all." 

Here,  undoubtedly,  was  my  opportunity  to 
question  my  wife  more  closely,  and  discover  whether 
she  was  unhappy  or  dissatisfied.  These  words 
certainly  indicated  some  dissatisfaction,  but  her  face 
was  perfectly  serene.  I  have  never  met  any  one  who 
had  such  power  of  self-control,  and  who  could  keep 
her  dignity  in  any  circumstances.  How  could  I  tell, 
then,  of  the  fires  of  jealousy  raging  at  that  very 
moment  in  her  poor  tortured  woman's  heart?  She 
had  given  me  the  worst  of  the  interview,  however, 
and  I  was  only  anxious  to  end  it. 

At  the  moment,  happily,  perhaps,  for  us  both, 
Babette  arrived  to  announce  visitors  in  the  drawing 
room. 

"It  is  only  Mr.  Yuill  and  Christina  come  to  tea, 
Gilbert,"  said  Hester  quickly,  as  she  put  down  her 
writing  pad  and  rose  to  her  feet. 

I  looked  annoyed,  for  at  the  moment  I  did  not  wish 
to  meet  the  Yuills.  Somehow  they  seemed  to  repre- 
sent part  of  a  conspiracy  against  me. 

"I'm  getting  a  bit  sick  of  the  Yuills,  Hester,"  I 
said  ungraciously.  "We're  not  safe  from  them  even 
on  Sundays.  I  think,  when  I  have  only  one  clear 
day  in  the  week  at  home,  you  might  see  that  it  is 
clear,  and  not  pestered  with  people  that  I'm  not 
particularly  gone  on." 


i96  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

A  very  wounded  look  crossed  Hester's  face,  but 
she  did  not  open  her  lips.  My  inner  and  growing 
irritation,  born  of  considerable  uneasiness  of  spirit, 
finding  relief  in  abuse  of  somebody,  I  continued : 

"YuilTs  a  pompous  ass,  Hester.  Because  he's 
made  a  bit  on  the  Stock  Exchange  —  and  I  'd  very 
much  like  to  get  at  the  bottom  of  all  his  transactions 
there  —  he  arrogates  to  himself  a  sort  of  lordly  con- 
descension to  other  people  who  are  probably  as  clever 
as  himself.  We're  not  all  so  long-sighted,  perhaps, 
as  a  Scotchman  on  the  make " 

Hester  looked  at  me  quite  straightly,  and  her  lips 
were  a  little  white. 

"If  that  is  how  you  feel  about  them,  Gilbert,  don't 
come  down  to  tea.  I  can  send  yours  to  the  study, 
and  after  this  I  shall  take  care  not  to  invite  them  on 
Sunday,  or  much  at  any  time.  Your  house  surely 
exists  for  your  friends  as  well  as  mine." 

She  walked  out  as  she  spoke,  and  took  from  me  the 
opportunity  of  making  reparation  for  my  bad  temper. 
It  was  nothing  else;  Yuill  had  served  as  a  handy 
scapegoat,  that  was  all.  I  felt  that  I  had  made  an 
egregious  ass  of  myself,  that  Hester  had  had  the  best 
of  it,  and  after  a  few  moments'  reflection  I  went 
meekly  downstairs  to  the  drawing  room  and  made 
myself  as  agreeable  as  I  knew  how,  even  going  so  far 
as  to  chaff  Miss  Yuill  unmercifully  about  her  love  for 
Glen  Isla.  But  that  little  talk  had  widened  the  gulf ' 
between  Hester  and  me,  and  in  about  a  week's  time 
we  parted  for  the  holiday  season,  with  a  good  deal  of 
relief  on  both  sides. 


CHAPTER  XII 

Next  day,  after  business  hours,  I  went  out  to  Aner- 
ley  Mansions  to  see  Maud  Lacy. 

I  often  took  that  roundabout  way  to  King's  Cross 
on  the  off-chance  of  a  chat  and  a  cup  of  tea  with  her, 
but  to-day  I  had  made  sure  that  I  would  see  her  by 
telephoning  through  from  a  public  office  when  I  went 
out  to  lunch.  For  some  time  now  I  had  not  used  the 
office  telephone  for  such  private  messages.  The 
American  artist  did  not  use  the  London  flat  much. 
So  far  she  had  not  spent  more  than  a  few  months  in 
it.  She  was  a  bird  of  passage.  At  that  moment  she 
was  in  Pennsylvania  visiting  her  people,  and  was 
not  expected  back  in  England  till  the  autumn. 

It  was  half -past  five  when  I  stepped  off  the  hot 
street  into  the  cool,  tiled  hall  of  Anerley  Mansions, 
and  ascended  by  the  lift  to  the  third  floor,  on  which 
Maud's  flat  was  situated.  It  was  a  hideous-looking 
structure,  more  like  a  barracks  than  a  place  of 
habitation  for  men  and  women  who  could  afford 
to  pay  a  decent  rent. 

The  two  friends  had  one  of  the  smallest  suites  in 
the  block,  yet  they  paid  a  hundred  and  sixty  pounds 
a  year  for  it. 

It  was  very  pretty  and  home-like  inside.  Maud 

197 


i98  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

had  provided  most  of  the  furniture,  while  the  artist 
had  attended  to  the  decorations.  The  small  drawing 
room  was  lined  with  her  exquisite  sketches,  chiefly 
of  foreign  places,  and  the  scheme  of  color,  if  a  little 
daring,  was  attractive.  It  made  a  very  good  setting 
for  Maud's  dark  beauty,  and  I  had  never  seen  her 
look  better  as  she  rose  to  greet  me  that  afternoon. 
We  kissed  one  another  as  a  matter  of  course,  and  she 
patted  my  cheek,  and  said  in  her  most  caressing  tones : 

"Poor  old  boy,  is  it  worried,  then?  Never  mind, 
come  and  sit  down  and  have  a  nice  cup  of  tea  and  tell 
me  all  about  it." 

I  threw  myself  into  a  low  chair  covered  in  yellow 
damask,  and  looked  round  the  seductive  little  nest 
with  the  feeling  that  I  had  come  home. 

My  welcome  had  never  failed  me  there  as  yet,  and 
here  I  was  completely  immune  from  criticism,  from 
blame,  from  the  haunting  sense  of  failing  to  reach  an 
impossible  standard.  My  wife,  God  help  her  and 
me,  had  now  become  my  censor  and  judge.  As  such 
at  least  I  regarded  her,  though  yesterday  was  the  first 
time  she  had  openly  shown  her  dislike  and  anxiety 
concerning  my  acquaintance  with  Maud  Lacy. 

"What's  up  now,  Gib?"  said  Maud  quickly, 
observing  that  my  gloom  did  not  lift.  "Nothing 
gone  wrong  in  the  city,  surely?  The  other  day  you 
were  all  agog  with  assurance  over  your  success." 

"There  isn't  anything  wrong  there,  my  dear;  it's 
nearer  home.  You  've  got  to  muzzle  that  young  ass 
Cyril,  Maud,  or  he's  going  to  make  trouble." 

"What's  he  been  doing?" 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  199 

She  paused  in  the  act  of  putting  a  match  to  the 
spirit  kettle,  and  the  attitude  she  unconsciously 
struck  was  very  graceful.  Maud  was  certainly  a 
beautiful  woman,  and  the  luxurious  life,  the  associa- 
tion with  beautiful  things,  had  given  to  her  a  certain 
undefined  charm.  She  knew,  as  ever,  how  to  make 
the  best  of  her  charms,  and  it  had  often  puzzled  me 
why  she  did  not  marry  one  of  the  numerous  city  men 
who  admired  her. 

I  had  sometimes  had  an  inward  thrill  in  the  as- 
surance that  it  was  on  my  account  she  had  remained 
single,  and  just  lately  I  had  even  admitted  to  myself 
that  in  some  respects  undoubtedly  she  would  have 
suited  me  as  a  wife  better  than  the  one  I  had  got. 
When  a  man  goes  so  far  as  to  make  such  admission 
to  himself,  the  foundations  of  his  house  are  in  a  bad 
way,  and  he  had  better  look  to  them.  But  with 
many  men  such  a  feeling  never  gets  further  than  a 
vague  dissatisfaction  to  which  they  are  afraid  to  give 
definite  form. 

"Jawing,"  I  said  as  I  threw  myself  back  in  my 
chair.  "Jawing  at  Finchley." 

"To  the  missus,  about  us?" 

I  nodded,  and  I  saw  a  look  of  intense  interest 
deepen  on  Maud's  brilliant  face.  She  was  not  upset, 
as  I  had  been — nay,  I  could  almost  have  sworn  that 
my  information  gave  her  a  certain  amount  of 
pleasure.  She  was  never  careful  of  the  feelings  of  an- 
other woman,  or  made  the  smallest  attempt  to  dis- 
guise the  fact  that  she  aimed  at  being  first  always. 

"What  did  he  say,  and  what  did  the  missus  say? 


200  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

Tell  me  exactly  what  happened.  This  is  most  ex- 
citing," she  said  as  she  sat  down  and  drew  her  chair 
a  little  nearer  mine. 

I  had  a  brief  struggle  with  myself,  for  at  the  back 
of  my  mind  the  feeling  of  loyalty  to  Hester  still 
lingered,  and  it  revolted  at  the  thought  of  dis- 
cussing her  with  another  woman.  I  knew  how  she 
would  regard  such  an  unpardonable  breach.  I  could 
see  the  fine  line  of  her  lips,  and  the  deepening  fire  in 
her  eyes  at  the  mere  suggestion  of  it. 

Maud,  still  looking  intensely  interested,  her  bold 
black  eyes  smiling  ever  so  slightly,  leaned  back  in  her 
chair  and  stirred  her  tea  meditatively. 

"So  the  cat 's  out  of  the  bag.  It 's  just  the  begin- 
ning of  things,  isn't  it,  Gibbie?"  she  said  carelessly. 
' '  It  has  its  drawbacks  having  a  prying  young  brother 
in  town,  and  he's  crazy  about  Hester,  as  all  very 
young  and  some  old  men  are.  She's  the  sort  that 
appeals  to  their  crude  ideas,  but  she  isn't  any  mate 
for  a  real  man." 

I  suffered  this  outrageous  statement  to  pass  unchal- 
lenged, which  shows  how  far  I  had  descended  on  the 
broad  road. 

"Don't  look  so  beastly  worried  over  it,  Gib.  I'll 
take  steps  to  shut  his  mouth.  I  think  I  know  how. 
Cyril  knows  the  value  of  money  just  as  well  as  any  of 
us.  I  shall  appeal  to  that." 

"I  think  it  would  be  better  to  let  the  matter  drop. 
Are  you  still  determined  to  go  to  Petersburg,  Maud  ? " 

"Yes,  of  course;  nothing  will  make  me  give  that 
up.  I  've  been  looking  forward  to  it  to  give  me  a  new 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  201 

sensation.  What  makes  you  ask  such  a  stupid  and 
unnecessary  question?" 

"Hester  asked  whether  you  were  going." 

"Why,  whatever  put  that  into  her  head?  I've 
never  breathed  the  idea  to  Cyril,  and  I  don't  think  a 
soul  knows  of  our  plan  except  you  and  me.  I  haven't 
even  had  the  chance  to  tell  Sadie." 

"It  was  an  intuition,  I  suppose." 

"A  jealous  one,"  said  Maud  with  a  curl  of  the  lip. 
"If  I  were  in  the  missus's  shoes  I  should  have  too 
much  pride  to  show  my  hand  like  that.  I  might  try 
to  get  my  revenge  somehow;  I  don't  say  I  wouldn't, 
but  I  shouldn't  whine.  Heavens,  what  fools  some 
women  are !  They  don't  begin  to  know  the  science  of 
keeping  a  man.  They  simply  tumble  all  their  eggs 
into  one  basket,  and  when  it  falls  and  everything  goes 
smash,  they  roll  their  eyes,  and  demand  from  Heaven 
why  they're  so  hardly  treated.  If  I  could  string 
a  few  sentences  decently  together,  I  should  write  a 
book  on  ' '  The  Whole  Art  of  Matrimony. ' '  It  would 
be  a  book  worth  buying — especially  for  women." 

I  did  not  answer,  but  took  out  my  cigarette  case, 
a  quaint,  foreign  thing,  one  of  Maud's  frequent  gifts 
to  me.  Once  Hester  had  lifted  it  curiously  from  my 
table  in  the  den,  and  asked  me  where  I  had  got  it, 
and  I  had  lied  to  her,  lied  straight  and  whole,  and 
without  flinching. 

"I'm  not  very  sure  about  Jane,  Gib,"  said  Maud 
presently,  with  her  own  cigarette  between  her  lips. 
"She's  a  bit  catty  just  lately.  One  day  I  met  her 
in  a  bus — oh!  it  was  last  Wednesday — and  she  as 


202  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

good  as  cut  me  dead.  Very  well,  my  lady,  says  I, 
two  can  play  at  that  game.  I've  no  use  for  Miss 
Jane  Trent  in  future.  Is  she  going  to  remain  as  a 
permanent  member  of  your  family  circle,  may  I 
inquire  ?  If  so,  I  'm  sorry  for  you,  poor  old  boy,  for 
you'll  have  two  watchdogs  instead  of  one." 

"She's  going  away  next  week,  and  wants  to  take 
Hester  with  her." 

"Then  let  her;  it'll  fit  in  beautifully,"  said  Maud 
eagerly. 

' '  But  they  want  to  go  abroad.  They  're  talking  of 
Brittany  and  Paris " 

' '  Never  mind  where.  We  shan't  be  anywhere  near 
Brittany,  and  Paris  is  a  big  place.  I  should  let  them 
go,  and  supply  them  with  plenty  of  money,  your 
blessing,  and  a  pat  on  the  back,  telling  them  to  enjoy 
themselves.  Then  you  could  have  a  free  mind  of 
your  own,  eh,  Gibbie?" 

I  smiled  back,  and  somehow  in  that  delightful 
atmosphere  of  freedom  and  perfect  understanding  the 
trouble  of  the  morning  seemed  to  fade  away.  Here 
no  effort  was  required;  a  man  could  indulge  himself 
in  whatever  mood  was  on  him  at  the  moment,  and  he 
need  not  fear  misconstruction  or  censorship  even  of 
his  most  foolish  words.  It  all  pandered  to  the  baser 
side,  of  course,  but  most  men  who  read  these  words 
will  understand  how  alluring  such  a  situation  can  be. 
The  old  Adam  is  strong  in  most  of  us,  and  the  upward 
path  with  its  steep  gradients  and  its  lions  in  the  path 
seldom  seems  worth  while.  We  learn  wisdom  sadly, 
and  through  the  baser  part  of  us,  and  it  is  only  when 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  203 

we  are  old  that  we  begin  to  discern  the  things  that 
matter. 

I  had  come  to  Anerley  Mansions  with  a  sort  of 
vague,  half -formed  resolution  to  try  to  put  Maud  off 
the  Russian  trip,  or  to  back  out  of  it  myself;  but 
when  I  left  soon  after  seven  these  fine  resolutions  had 
all  melted  like  mist  before  the  sun,  and  every  item 
of  the  journey  was  fixed  up  taut.  I  just  caught  the 
seven  thirty-eight  at  King's  Cross,  and  in  my  haste 
tumbled  into  the  same  compartment  with  Yuill.  He 
gave  me  a  curt  nod,  and  said  good  evening  rather 
grumpily.  I  could  not  afford  to  quarrel  with  him, 
for  I  did  not  wish  to  rob  Hester  of  the  friends  she 
so  highly  prized,  but  I  never  voluntarily  sought  his 
company  or  talked  to  him  unless,  as  now,  I  could  not 
avoid  it. 

"You're  late,  surely,"  he  said,  and  I  resented  the 
very  tone  of  his  voice,  which  seemed  to  bear  interroga- 
tion in  it. 

"So  are  you,"  I  retorted,  and  unfolded  my  paper, 
not  intending  to  let  the  conversation  go  any  further. 
But  Yuill  seemed  to  be  in  a  talkative  mood. 

"What  are  you  going  to  do  about  holidays  this 
year,  Trent?"  he  asked  presently. 

"I  don't  expect  I'll  get  any,"  I  answered  over  the 
edge  of  my  paper. 

"Oh,  surely.  It  doesn't  pay  to  keep  the  nose  to 
the  grindstone  too  close  or  too  long.  My  sister  and  I 
were  wondering  whether  you'd  care  to  come  up  to 
Glen  Isla  with  us  in  August.  It 's  a  small  place,  but 
there's  a  nice  bit  of  shooting  on  it,  and  a  mile  of  good 


204  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

trout  fishing.  We'll  be  going  about  the  28th  of 
July." 

It  was  not  in  me  to  keep  up  grumpiness  in  view 
of  this  kind  and  wholly  unexpected  proposition,  and 
I  laid  down  my  paper,  and  thanked  him  heartily. 

"  I  'm  sure  we  'd  like  it,  and  we  '11  try  whether  it  can 
be  fixed  up.  Hasn't  Hester  told  Miss  Yuill  that  she 
and  Jane  have  a  holiday  project  on  ?  They  're  talking 
of  going  over  to  Brittany  this  month." 

"Yes,  I  understand  that,  and  I  rather  think 
Christina  is  contemplating  going  with  them.  But 
there  is  time  later.  They  '11  probably  be  back  by  the 
end  of  July,  won't  they?" 

"I  don't  know.  Jane  talked  of  taking  two 
months,  but  I  don't  think  there  is  any  definiteness 
or  finality  about  their  arrangements." 

"Of  course,  we  include  your  sister,  too.  The  old 
place  is  only  a  glorified  farmhouse,  but  it's  very 
comfortable,  and  there  are  plenty  of  bedrooms  of  a 
sort.  We  haven't  asked  anybody  as  yet  but  the 
Bradburys." 

I  started.  Sir  Richard  Bradbury  was  one  of  the 
best-known  and  most  respected  members  of  the  Stock 
Exchange,  and  his  wife  was  very  well  born. 

I  was  more  than  surprised  to  hear  that  they  had 
consented  to  visit  the  Yuills,  and  the  information 
gave  me  an  unexpected  glimpse  of  their  social  stand- 
ing. I  decided  that  I  must  bury  the  hatchet  where 
Yuill  was  concerned,  and  give  Hester  a  twenty-pound 
note  to  buy  clothes  for  the  moors. 

"They're  coming  for  the  i2th,  and  we've  some 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  205 

good  neighbors  on  both  sides  of  us,  and  we  generally 
manage  to  have  a  fairly  good  time,"  went  on  Yuill 
genially.  "If  you  can  fix  it  up  with  Mrs.  Trent, 
we'll  both  be  very  glad." 

I  hesitated  a  moment,  and  then  decided  to  tell  him 
about  the  Petersburg  business. 

"I've  let  myself  in  for  something,  Yuill.  I've 
more  than  half  promised  to  go  to  Russia  with  the 
Hurst  crowd." 

Yuill  elevated  his  brows. 

"I'd  keep  out  of  that  if  I  were  you,  Trent.  It 
isn't  good  enough." 

"Why  isn't  it?" 

"I  prefer  not  to  say,  but  I  wouldn't  touch  it  myself 
with  a  ten-foot  pole." 

"There's  money  in  it  if  it  pans  out  at  all,"  I  said 
eagerly. 

1 '  Yes,  but  there 's  risks,  and  they  '11  be  kept  hanging 
on  for  months.  I  know  something  about  these 
concessions  from  the  Russian  Government;  there 're 
enough  to  turn  a  man's  hair  gray,  and  wear  out  the 
patience  of  Job.  Let  them  go,  by  all  means,  but  it 
is  n't  worth  spoiling  your  holiday  or  your  wife's  for. 
I  take  it  you'd  have  to  count  these  weeks  in." 

' '  I  should,  and  I  'm  rather  grudging  them.  I  '11  see 
what  I  can  do." 

We  parted  at  Yuill's  gate  in  more  friendly  fashion 
than  we  had  done  for  many  months,  and  when  I  told 
Hester  of  his  proposal  she  flushed  all  over  her  face 
with  sudden  pleasure. 

"Oh,  I  should  simply  love  that,  Gilbert.     I  do 


206  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

want  to  see  Scotland,  and  Christina  has  talked  so 
much  about  Glen  Isla.  I  even  know  how  you  get 
there.  I  am  sure  I  could  get  out  at  Alyth  Junction 
and  find  my  way  to  Brean  blindfolded." 

We  talked  it  all  over  and  in  the  end  decided  that, 
if  possible,  I  should  withdraw  from  the  Russian  trip, 
and,  postponing  my  holiday,  take  the  first  part  of  it 
with  my  wife  and  sister  in  Brittany. 

But  I  was  not  even  then  a  free  man.  I  had  Maud 
Lacy  to  reckon  with,  and  already  she  was  proving 
herself  rather  a  hard  and  exacting  taskmistress. 

While  not  actually  intruding  herself  on  my  home, 
she  left  me  very  little  leisure  to  spend  there.  Few 
men,  I  fancy,  had  ever  to  make  more  use  of  business 
as  an  excuse  to  cover  up  deficiencies  in  that  respect. 
Hester  undoubtedly  made  a  mistake  in  taking  it  all 
as  a  matter  of  course,  in  appearing,  at  least,  to  be 
satisfied  with  the  manner  of  our  life.  One  brief 
interview  with  Maud  scattered  all  my  fine  resolutions 
to  the  wind,  and  I  had  simply  to  go  back  to  Hester, 
and  explain  as  best  I  could  that  every  detail  of  the 
Syndicate's  journey  was  arranged,  and  that  they 
would  not  let  me  off.  The  mask  which  I  had  learned 
to  dread  fell  upon  her  sweet  face  when  I  told  her, 
but  she  did  not  say  a  word.  Her  silence,  though  at 
all  times  a  relief,  for  when  a  man  is  in  a  hole  he  does 
not  want  to  talk  much  about  it,  precipitated  the 
crisis  in  our  lives.  I  feel  as  if  I  could  hurry  over  the 
events  of  that  tragic  summer  and  all  my  base  part 
in  it. 

Hester  and  Jane  departed  to  the  Brittany  convent, 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  207 

while  I  set  out  with  the  Syndicate  by  way  of  Berlin  to 
Russia.  I  took  great  pains  to  acquaint  my  wife  with 
all  the  details  of  that  journey  before  I  undertook  it. 
I  even  showed  her  a  paragraph  in  the  Financial 
Times,  giving  the  name  of  the  party,  but  I  omitted 
to  say  that  Maud  Lacy  was  already  on  her  way  to 
Russia,  ahead  of  us.  I  enjoyed  my  visit  to  St. 
Petersburg,  and  every  moment  of  my  time  I  could 
spare  from  my  colleagues  was  spent  with  Maud. 
She  was  a  most  entertaining  sightseer  and  travelling 
companion,  quite  indefatigable  both  physically  and 
mentally,  always  full  of  fun  and  gaiety,  and  ready  to 
be  interested  in  everything. 

Though  I  had  promised  Hester  to  make  the  utmost 
haste  to  St.  Jacques,  I  was  persuaded  by  Maud  to 
write  and  explain  that  the  business  of  the  Syndicate 
was  lagging,  and  that  I  could  not  get  away.  The 
first  part  of  the  statement  was  quite  true.  After  we 
had  been  a  fortnight  in  Petersburg,  we  were  just 
as  far  from  accomplishing  our  object  as  on  the  day  of 
our  arrival,  and  already  some  busy  members  of  the 
Syndicate  were  chafing  at  the  inaction.  To  pass  the 
time,  while  their  chief  remained  in  the  capital  to  work 
up  all  the  channels  of  approach  to  the  Czar,  the  rest 
of  them  proposed  a  trip  into  the  interior  to  see  the 
actual  land  after  which  they  were  striving.  I 
grasped  at  this  chance  of  getting  away,  for  the  limits 
of  my  holiday  made  it  impossible  for  me  to  join  the 
excursion  to  Siberia,  and  I  could  not  in  the  circum- 
stances ask  for  any  extension. 

When  I  decided  to  return  to  Paris,  Maud  said  she 


208  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

would  come  too,  that  she  had  had  enough  of  Russia, 
and  was  tired  of  the  intense  heat  and  stuffiness  of  the 
city.  So  we  travelled  together  to  Paris,  and  even 
then  did  not  part.  I  had  written  to  Hester  from 
Petersburg  that  she  need  not  expect  me  at  St. 
Jacques.  I  had  two  letters  from  her  there,  in  one  of 
which  she  mentioned  that  they  were  expecting  Yuill 
to  come  for  a  few  days. 

Maud  laughed  when  I  told  her  this,  and  said 
mockingly  that  I  need  not  have  any  qualms  about  my 
wife,  who  was  evidently  having  a  good  time. 

We  stopped  at  the  Continental,  and  though  we 
were  careful  to  have  rooms  on  different  floors,  the 
mere  fact  of  our  being  under  the  same  roof  in  the 
circumstances  showed  a  carelessness  of  risk  and 
convention  which  was  astonishing.  It  was  the 
tourist  season  in  Paris,  and  any  day  we  might  run 
across  a  chance  acquaintance.  Maud  did  not  care; 
I  think,  rather,  that  she  enjoyed  the  daring  and 
abandon  of  the  whole  thing.  But  Nemesis  was 
already  on  our  track.  One  evening,  as  I  waited  in 
the  hall  for  her  to  come  down  to  go  to  the  Folies 
Bergeres,  who  should  come  off  a  fiacre  at  the  door  but 
Yuill  in  a  gray  travelling  suit  with  a  kit-bag  in  his 
hand.  At  the  moment  Maud,  in  a  smart  demi- 
toilette  and  a  most  becoming  hat  and  cloak,  came 
sailing  down  the  staircase  fastening  her  gloves. 
Yuill  immediately  saw  her,  and,  before  he  spoke, 
measured  me  with  his  eyes.  Such  cold  contempt  and 
loathing  I  have  never  encountered  in  any  man's  eyes 
before  nor  since.  He  looked  terrific  in  his  anger, 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  209 

and  I  was  not  sure  for  the  moment  whether  he 
would  not  murder  me. 

"I've  just  come  from  St.  Jacques,  and  you're  a 
damned  scoundrel,"  he  said  between  his  teeth,  and 
walked  past  me  to  the  bureau  without  another 
glance. 

Maud  saw  at  once  that  something  had  happened 
to  upset  me. 

"Who's  that?"  she  asked  with  a  backward  glance 
at  Yuill's  tall  figure  already  on  its  way  upstairs  to  the 
first  floor. 

"Come  outside  and  don't  jaw.  I 'm  feeling  pretty 
sick,"  I  answered  roughly,  and  we  were  several 
minutes  in  the  cab  before  I  would  deign  to  offer  her 
a  word  of  explanation.  When  I  did  tell  her  who 
the  man  was,  she  merely  laughed. 

"Oh,  that  one — well,  he 'sin  love  with  Hester,  so 
you  can  cry  quits.  Ask  him  when  you  get  back  what 
he  is  doing  at  St.  Jacques.  You're  not  half  game, 
Gib " 

"His  sister  is  there,  and  he  had  every  right  to  go. 
Besides,  he  isn't  that  sort." 

I  groaned.  "I  must  go  to  St.  Jacques  to-morrow 
morning,  and  I  won't  stop  at  the  Continental  to- 
night." 

I  did  not,  and  I  went  off  in  the  morning  without 
seeing  Maud. 

But  I  was  wretched  all  the  time  at  St.  Jacques,  and 
bored  to  extinction  besides.  There  was  nothing  to  do 
there  but  wander  on  the  sand  dunes — not  even  a 
meagre  band  or  a  casino  to  divert  one.  How  women 

14 


210  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

could  exist  in  such  surroundings  I  could  not  imagine. 

Hester  imagined  that  I  was  worn  out  with  much 
travelling,  and  was  very  kind  and  sympathetic. 

' '  Let 's  go  home  out  of  this  beastly  place,  Hester. 
I  can't  stick  it  any  longer,"  I  said  on  the  second 
morning.  "Besides,  if  we're  going  to  Scotland, 
there  is  a  heap  to  do  first." 

Miss  Yuill  was  full  of  the  Scotch  visit,  and  all  the 
details  were  well  under  way.  They  were  only 
waiting  for  me,  they  said,  to  fix  the  date. 

I  had  the  feeling,  however,  that,  so  far  as  I  was 
concerned,  the  Scotch  visit  was  off.  And  I  was  right. 
The  first  morning  I  got  to  Gracechurch  Street  I  found 
a  note  from  Yuill,  written  from  the  Hotel  Con- 
tinental. Its  contents  hardly  surprised  me,  though 
they  filled  me  with  an  unholy  rage. 

He  merely  informed  me  that  until  some  explana- 
tion of  that  night  in  Paris  was  forthcoming,  his 
invitation  to  me  to  come  to  Glen  Isla  was  withdrawn. 


CHAPTER  XIII 

I  now  come  to  the  most  poignant  chapter  of  my 
life. 

When  I  reached  St.  Jacques  my  mind  was  in  a 
ferment,  for  I  had  no  means  of  knowing  what  action 
Yuill  might  take  in  the  circumstances. 

My  meeting  with  my  wife  was  cordial  enough,  and 
Hester's  face  was  perfectly  serene  as  she  welcomed 
me.  There  was  no  warmth  in  our  greeting,  however, 
such  as  married  lovers  exhibit  after  a  three  weeks' 
parting. 

She  looked  very  well,  and  the  strain  had  departed 
from  her  face.  Also  the  rest  and  the  sweet  breezes 
had  filled  out  the  hollows  in  her  cheeks  and  taken 
away  some  of  the  tell-tale  lines  from  her  mouth.  She 
surveyed  me  a  trifle  anxiously. 

"You  look  most  frightfully  tired,  Gilbert.  I 
suppose  it  is  the  incessant  travelling." 

She  said  this  as  we  sat  together  on  the  sand  dunes 
overlooking  the  sea,  and  as  the  words  left  her  lips  she 
put  out  her  hand  and  stroked  mine.  I  drew  away 
a  little  impatiently,  not  because  I  shrank  from  the 
touch  that  had  once  had  the  power  to  thrill  me,  but 
because  I  knew  myself  wholly  unworthy.  An  im- 
mense sadness  was  within  me,  corroding  everything. 

211 


212  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

I  who  had  laughed  at  Fate  and  proclaimed  myself 
strong  to  meet  and  conquer  it,  who  had  been  eager  to 
brave  all  and  do  all  for  the  sake  of  this  dear  woman, 
was  now  in  bitter  bondage. 

If,  out  of  some  strong  sense  of  righteousness  and 
justice,  the  dour-faced  Scotsman  should  elect  to 
breathe  to  my  wife  the  suspicion  that  had  now 
become  a  certainty  in  his  mind,  what  would  happen? 
"To  know  all  is  to  forgive  all"  is  a  favorite  and 
often-quoted  phrase,  but  it  is  a  specious  lie.  Had 
Hester  been  made  aware  of  all  the  tortuous  windings 
of  my  affair  with  Maud  Lacy,  her  spirit  would  have 
been  crushed,  her  heart  filled  with  loathing  unspeak- 
able. She  never  could  have  forgiven  or  forgotten. 
As  I  lay  there,  inert,  on  the  wild  bent  grass,  letting 
the  sand  slip  through  my  nerveless  fingers,  I  tried 
to  face  the  future.  Of  one  thing  I  was  sure.  I  was 
not  yet  prepared  to  give  up  my  wife,  to  break  the 
bond  that  had  bound  us  all  these  years.  I  raised 
my  head  and  looked  at  her  long  and  intently,  and 
with  such  questioning  in  my  eyes  that  I  could  see  it 
troubled  her. 

"What  is  it,  Gibbie?"  she  asked  with  a  tender 
note  in  her  voice  which  nearly  broke  me  down. 
For  one  mad  moment  I  was  tempted  to  make  a  clean 
breast  there  on  the  edge  of  the  fathomless  and 
spreading  sea,  to  throw  myself  on  her  mercy,  and 
leave  myself  wholly  in  her  hands.  Probably  if  I  had 
obeyed  that  heaven-sent  impulse  things  might  have 
mended,  and  together  we  might  have  made  some- 
thing of  what  was  left. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  213 

"No  more  Syndicates,"  she  said,  shaking  her 
finger  at  me.  "I  really  think  I  must  try  to  put 
a  stop  to  all  this  frenzied  finance,  Gilbert.  What 
is  it  for,  anyhow?  We  have  enough  for  our  simple 
needs.  May  I  say  something  quite  frankly  ? " 

"Why,  of  course;  it's  what  I  want  to  hear,"  I 
answered;  but  I  pulled  my  panama  over  my  brows 
so  that  my  eyes  were  hidden.  She  was  knitting  a 
sock  just  then,  and  for  the  moment  her  white  fingers 
ceased  their  skillful  plying. 

"I  have  been  thinking  over  a  great  many  things, 
Gilbert,  since  I  came  to  this  quiet,  delightful  spot, 
and  a  sort  of  clear  vision  has  come  to  me." 

"What  of?"  I  asked  weakly. 

"Of  our  life.  Don't  you  feel  that  there  is  a  crisis 
in  it?  We  are  drifting,  and  if  something  isn't  done, 
I  don't  know  where  we  shall  land,  if,  indeed,  we  ever 
land  at  all,  anywhere." 

She  never  spoke  a  truer  word. 

"Oh,  nonsense,"  I  said,  trying  to  speak  lightly. 
"You  are  hipped;  you  were  needing  your  holiday 
badly.  Things  will  be  all  right  when  we  get  home." 

"Do  you  think  so?"  she  asked  with  a  weak  little 
wistful  smile.  ' '  But  I  don't  see  just  what  is  going  to 
make  them  right.  We  shall  go  back,  and  the  city 
will  swallow  you,  and  I  shall  go  my  lonely  way  as 
before." 

"But  you  have  troops  of  friends,  and  I  hear 
about  you  everywhere." 

She  pushed  back  my  hat  so  that  she  might  look 
deep  into  my  eyes. 


214  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

"A  woman  must  fill  up  with  something,  dear,  but 
just  lately  I  have  felt  so  weak  and  faint  in  spirit, 
as  if  I  could  not  go  on.  We  must  rebuild  our  house, 
Gibbie." 

"It's  no  time  since  I  paid  a  fairly  heavy  bill  for 
repairs,"  I  said  fatuously. 

"It  is  our  house  of  the  spirit  I'm  talking  about, 
Gibbie,  and  you  know  it." 

What  could  I  say  to  that  ?  It  was  what  I  wanted 
to  do,  beyond  everything — but  how? 

"Supposing  I  admit  that  we  do  want  a  few  repairs. 
I'm  not  altogether  to  blame,  Hester.  You've  suf- 
fered other  people  to  absorb  you.  How  often  have 
I  wanted  you  to  go  to  town  with  me,  but  always  you 
had  some  futile,  piffling  church  or  social  engagement. 
A  man  like  me  gets  fed  up  with  stuff  like  that.  It 
hasn't  any  part  nor  lot  in  the  life  of  a  real  virile  man." 

"But  it  ought  to  have,  Gilbert.  Life  can't  be  all 
selfish  striving  and  enjoyment." 

"The  laborer  is  worthy  of  his  hire,  and  all  work 
and  no  play  makes  Jack  a  dull  boy."  I  rolled  out 
my  platitudes  glibly,  glad  of  them  to  cover  the  strain 
of  the  moment. 

"Listen,  Gilbert,"  and  her  cool,  soft  hand  closed 
over  mine  a  moment.  "I  am  sorry  that  I  have 
fallen  short.  Perhaps  you  should  have  married  a 
different  sort  of  woman.  I  may  have  made  mistakes. 
I  see  that  I  have.  Let  us  begin  again.  But  before 
we  can,  we  must  get  out  of  London." 

"But  I  could  n't  live  farther  out,  dear;  even 
Finchley  is  inconvenient  at  times." 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  215 

"I  don't  mean  that.  Could  n't  you  give  up 
Gracechurch  Street  and  ask  for  an  appointment  in 
the  country?" 

I  turned  my  head  and  stared  at  her  slowly. 

"Do  you  know  what  you're  asking,  Hester?" 

"Perfectly,"  she  answered  quietly.  "I  want  to 
get  clean  away  with  you  right  down  into  the  country, 
miles  from  London,  to  Devonshire  or  Cornwall,  as 
far  as  it  is  possible  to  go  without  leaving  England." 

"And  give  up  a  thousand  a  year  and  its  chances 
for  a  measly  four  or  five  hundred  and  the  deadly 
vegetation  of  provincial  life,"  I  echoed.  "Why, 
no  sane  woman  would  advance  such  a  proposal." 

"I  think  I  'm  perfectly  sane.  I  wish  that  you  had 
never  taken  Gracechurch  Street,  Gilbert.  I  wish 
that  you  were  in  Finchley,  as  you  were  at  the 
beginning." 

"Which  would  mean  that  my  business  life  had 
been  a  failure." 

"There  are  other  kinds  of  failures,"  she  said  on 
the  spur  of  the  moment. 

I  bit  my  lip  and  drew  myself  up,  glad,  perhaps, 
of  the  chance  to  prove  myself  aggrieved.  "Now 
I  know  your  true  opinion  of  me,"  I  said  rather 
bitterly,  "Well,  when  you  and  your  pious  friends 
are  weighing  me  up,  and  damning  me  generally,  it 
might  be  just  as  well  to  inquire  into  the  contribu- 
tory causes." 

I  picked  myself  up  and  walked  away,  to  find  Pierre, 
the  old  boatman,  to  take  me  out,  and  I  left  my  wife 
to  chew  the  cud  of  such  reflections  as  my  words  had 


216  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

awakened.  I  was  out  of  temper;  all  my  feelings  had 
jagged  edges.  I  was  wretched  to  the  last  degree. 
We  did  not  meet  till  dinner  time,  and  then  I  told 
Hester  briefly  I  was  going  back  to  London  next  day, 
and  that  she  could  come  or  remain  with  her  friends 
just  as  she  pleased. 

Her  manner  was  a  little  aloof.  I  had  closed  the 
door,  and  it  was  the  last  glimpse  I  had  of  the  inner 
sanctuary,  the  last — God  help  me — of  my  wife's 
heart ! 

"They  are  all  going  back  on  Saturday.  It  is 
Monday  we  are  to  leave  for  Scotland,"  she  reminded 
me  with  that  hesitating,  shrinking  manner  which 
always  came  to  her  when  she  was  not  sure  of  me. 

"I'm  not  going  to  Scotland.  This  is  the  fourth 
week  of  my  holiday.  I  shall  have  to  go  back  to 
business  at  once.  Dudgeon  leaves  on  the  second. 
But  that's  no  reason  why  you  shouldn't  go." 

I  saw  her  eyes  fill  as  she  turned  away.  I  knew 
afterwards  how  her  heart  had  built  itself  on  the 
Scotch  visit,  how  she  had  hoped  for  peace  and  healing 
for  us  both  from  contact  with  the  everlasting  hills. 
But  she  never  spoke  a  word.  Oh,  that  silence,  so 
full  of  eloquence,  so  overwhelming  to  the  man  who 
realizes  that  iff  hides  the  deeps !  I  left  her  after 
dinner,  and  took  a  stroll  through  the  old  Breton 
village;  looked  at  the  women  knitting  at  their  doors 
with  that  look  of  patient,  dumb  endurance  on  their 
faces.  For  the  nonce  all  women  seemed  to  wear  for 
me  the  face  of  the  accusing  angel.  We  had  to  be 
inside  the  convent  at  half -past  nine,  when  the  gates 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  217 

were  closed,  and  my  brief  experience  of  the  cloistered 
life  ended  in  the  morning,  when  Hester  and  I  left 
rather  hurriedly  together.  If  Miss  Yuill  and  Jane 
wondered,  they  at  least  made  no  remark,  but  said 
they  would  follow  on  Saturday.  I  was  thankful  to 
get  back  to  London,  and  immediately  found  a  cer- 
tain amount  of  solace  in  plunging  headlong  into 
business.  I  had  not  heard  from  Maud  Lacy  since 
I  left  her  with  such  scant  courtesy  in  Paris,  and  I 
certainly  made  no  inquiry  regarding  her.  Just  then 
I  was  cursing  her  in  my  inmost  soul ;  the  spell  was 
broken,  and  I  had  no  desire  to  see  her  again. 

But  there  was  not  the  smallest  chance  of  that.  I 
knew  her  too  well,  and  that  she  would  lose  no  time 
in  hunting  me  up.  But  I  had  finally  made  up  my 
mind  to  break  with  her,  to  tell  her  our  foolish 
friendship,  which  had  drifted  into  something  more 
serious,  must  come  to  an  end.  When  a  man  has 
such  an  ordeal  in  front  of  him  his  mind  has  not 
many  spaces  left  for  minor  affairs. 

Miss  Yuill  and  Jane  returned  on  Saturday,  and  on 
Monday  the  trio  departed  for  the  north.  As  Hester 
clung  to  me  for  a  moment  on  the  platform  at  King's 
Cross  with  such  mute  anguish  of  appeal  in  her  eyes, 
my  heart  melted  within  me. 

"Darling,  I'm  sorry!"  I  cried  with  all  my  soul  in 
my  eyes  and  voice,  "I'll  |try  to  be  better.  I'll 
come  up  for  a  long  week-end  and  fetch  you  home, 
and  we'll  talk  over  everything  and  see  whether  we 
can't  make  something  better  of  it." 

Her  eyes  brightened  and  beamed  on  me  with  all 


218  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

the  love  of  her  faithful  heart,  the  love  that  had  never 
swerved  from  me  in  all  the  years  we  had  been 
together.  Once  more  I  felt  myself  lifted  up,  as  I  had 
been  in  those  glad  days  at  Terveuren,  when  all  the 
world  was  young,  and  we  had  love  and  to  spare.  I 
went  on  to  Gracechurch  Street  and  put  in  a  hard  (fay 
at  my  desk,  trying  to  find  solace  and  diversion  in 
my  work. 

I  called  in  Dudgeon,  arranged  with  him  about  his 
holiday,  giving  him  a  few  extra  days,  complimented 
him  on  his  faithfulness,  and,  generally  speaking,  put 
in  a  satisfactory  day.  I  went  home  early  and  spent 
a  good  hour  with  the  gardener  at  Grey  Gables, 
making  all  sorts  of  suggestions  for  its  improvement. 
I  could  see  that  my  sudden  interest  was  rather 
puzzling  to  Rickett,  who  for  the  life  of  him  could  not 
help  dragging  his  mistress's  name  into  every  dis- 
cussion. 

"Perhaps  the  missus  would  n't  like  this,  sir,"  he 
would  say,  or  "The  missus  said  she  wanted  aubretia 
all  over  that  hanging  border  for  the  spring." 

I  remembered  that  Hester  had  spoken  of  a  rock 
garden  and  we  discussed  that  and  picked  out  a  suit- 
able place  for  it,  and  I  went  indoors  to  draw  a  plan 
of  it.  If  only  I  could  do  something  to  please  her, 
that  was  my  high  desire! 

Next  day  I  came  home  even  earlier  and  went  to 
the  golf  course,  where  I  played  a  foursome  with  three 
men  I  had  never  met  before.  We  had  such  a  good 
match  that  we  dined  together  in  the  club  after,  and 
I  went  home  about  nine  and  wrote  a  long  letter  to 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  219 

Hester.  Next  morning's  post  brought  one  from  her 
written  the  morning  after  her  arrival.  It  is  before 
me  on  the  desk  as  I  write.  After  giving  some  details 
about  the  journey,  and  some  little  description  of 
Yuill's  beautiful  shooting  lodge,  which  appeared 
to  be  a  more  pretentious  place  than  he  had  led  us 
to  expect,  she  wrote  about  our  private  affairs. 

"I  am  thinking  a  great  deal,  naturally,  about  what 
we  talked  of  at  St.  Jacques  the  other  day,  and  I  think 
that  perhaps  this  little  separation  will  be  good  for  us. 
I  am  sure  this  place  has  a  message  for  me.  Its 
majesty  and  beauty  bring  one  near  to  God,  and  seem 
to  show  up  the  littleness  of  human  affairs.  This 
morning  I  awoke  quite  early,  and  after  I  had  watched 
a  most  wonderful  sunrise  on  the  little  loch  below  the 
house,  I  crept  back  to  bed  and  began  to  go  over 
things  in  my  mind.  We  have  been  married  twelve 
years,  Gilbert ;  it  seems  almost  incredible,  but  on  the 
anniversary  of  our  wedding,  I  want  you  to  come  away 
with  me  back  to  Lucerne  for  another  honeymoon, 
where  we  shall  blot  out,  if  we  can,  all  the  years  that 
have  been  between.  We  have  not  had  the  happiness 
we  hoped  for,  and  now  I  am  blaming  myself  very 
much.  I  can  see  wherein  I  have  failed.  I  have  even 
been  selfish  in  my  desire  to  live  the  life  I  liked.  I 
have  not  given  enough  thought  to  your  point  of  view. 
I  have  forgotten  how  different  everything  looks 
to  a  man,  and  that  it  is  not  possible  for  him  ever 
to  be  content  with  the  things  that  fill  up  a  woman's 
life.  I  had  an  impossible  ideal  in  front  of  me. 
I  suppose  it  was  the  austerity  of  my  upbringing, 


220  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

w 

and  I  have  always  been  a  little  afraid  of  the  actual 
facts  of  life  and  experience.  I  have  shrunk  from 
them.  I  often  ask  myself  why  God  did  not  give 
me  children  to  broaden  my  outlook,  and  give  me 
fuller  knowledge  of  life.  I  want  you  to  forgive 
me  all  the  disappointment  I  have  caused  you,  my 
dear  husband,  and  when  we  begin  again,  as  we  are 
going  to  do  in  October,  I  shall  try  to  be  different. 
I  am  willing,  if  you  desire  it  still,  to  leave  Finchley, 
though  I  shall  give  up  Grey  Gables  with  a  pang. 
But  if  we  have  fresh  surroundings  it  will  be  easier 
and  better  for  us  both.  You  will  show  me  what 
you  want,  and  I  will  do  it — sure  you  will  never  ask 
me  to  do  or  to  be  anything  that  would  jar  upon 
my  principles.  I  want  to  thank  you  for  the  happi- 
ness you  have  given  me.  At  times,  until  quite 
lately,  we  have  been  very  happy.  I  am  thinking  as 
I  write  of  all  the  women  who  have  never  tasted  love, 
who  do  not  know  what  wedded  happiness  can  be. 
And  I  have  had  my  share.  Never  think  anything 
different  from  that,  Gilbert,  and  I  am  thanking 
you  for  it  now  from  my  heart.  I  see  that  I  have 
brooded  too  much,  have  been  too  introspective. 
But  you  are  going  to  teach  me  to  take  things  more 
lightly,  and  to  be  happy  in  your  way  when  October 
comes." 

I  laid  down  the  letter  with  a  curious  sick  appre- 
hension, and  I  could  not  finish  my  breakfast.  I  did 
not  want  such  a  letter;  it  was  not  one  which  a 
man  with  something  on  his  conscience  could  read 
with  pleasure.  Her  wistful  humility  stung  like  a 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  221 

two-edged  sword.  I  crushed  it  in  my  pocket  and  left 
the  house,  thinking  I  would  wire  to  her  in  the  course 
of  the  morning,  and  write  her  another  letter  in  office 
hours,  if  I  had  time.  There  was  a  heavy  postbag. 
Dudgeon  was  away,  and  I  had  not  given  instructions 
to  anybody  else  to  open  the  bag,  or  sort  out  the  stuff, 
and  I  addressed  myself  to  the  morning's  task  with 
as  much  energy  as  I  could  muster.  But  my  thoughts 
were  in  far  Glen  Isla.  I  was  trying  to  picture  Hester 
wandering  by  the  side  of  the  little  loch,  and  ponder- 
ing by  what  means  I  could  get  there.  I  had  even  in 
contemplation  an  explanatory  letter  to  Yuill  which 
would  pave  the  way. 

But  that  letter  was  never  written;  none  of  them 
were.  About  eleven  o'clock,  just  as  I  had  got 
through  with  the  bulk  of  my  business  correspondence, 
a  telegraph  message  was  brought  to  me. 

It  was  from  Yuill  at  Glen  Isla,  and  these  were  the 
words  it  contained:  "Come  at  once.  Urgent." 
No  explanation,  no  hint  of  what  had  happened,  only 
these  maddening,  inscrutable  words.  I  grasped  at  a 
time-table,  found  I  could  catch  a  train  at  two-twenty, 
and  at  two  o'clock  I  was  at  King's  Cross. 

I  knew  that  it  was  useless  to  telegraph  inquiries, 
for  Hester  had  told  me  Brean  Lodge  was  ten  miles 
from  the  station  at  Alyth  Junction,  and  that  they  had 
only  one  post  in  the  day. 

I  arrived  at  Dundee  about  four  o'clock  in  the 
morning,  and  found  I  had  to  wait  until  six  before  I 
could  get  a  train  to  Alyth.  The  distance  was  too 
great  to  compass  except  by  train,  and  I  had  no  choice 


222  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

but  to  go  into  the  hotel  and  snatch  an  hour's  sleep. 
At  ten  minutes  past  seven  I  arrived  at  Alyth,  and 
Yuill  was  on  the  platform.  I  stalked  up  to  him  and 
glared  into  his  big-featured,  solemn  face  almost 
savagely. 

"What  has  happened?    Is  my  wife  ill?" 

"She's  dead,"  he  answered,  without  taking  the 
smallest  trouble  to  pick  his  words  or  soften  the  blow. 
I  stared  at  him  unconvinced. 

' '  Dead !    What  of  ?    Was  it  an  accident  ? ' ' 

"No  accident — heart  failure.  Come  outside; 
the  drag  is  there,  and  I'll  tell  you  as  we  drive  up." 

He  did  not  speak  a  single  word  of  condolence  or 
sympathy,  simply  related  hard  facts.  I  followed 
him  out  into  the  delicious  wonder  of  the  summer 
morning,  like  a  man  in  a  dream. 

A  high,  smart,  yellow-painted  drag,  with  two 
magnificent  black  horses,  stood  there  in  charge  of  a 
station  loafer.  Yuill  took  the  reins,  leaped  to  the 
box-seat,  and  motioned  me  to  a  place  beside  him. 
All  the  time  it  was  as  if  he  abstained  from  looking 
at  me,  resolutely  doing  what  was  necessary,  and  no 
more. 

' '  What  happened  ? "  I  asked  desperately.  ' '  Please 
to  remember  the  hell  I  've  been  in  since  I  got  your 
telegram  sixteen  hours  ago,  and  be  as  brief  and  as 
explicit  as  you  can." 

"It  was  yesterday  morning,"  he  said  curtly. 
"We  had  all  breakfasted  together,  and  we  were 
exploring  the  postbag  before  going  out  to  the  moor. 
We  were  all  out  on  the  terrace.  Your  wife  had  two 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  223 

letters.  While  she  was  reading  one  she  seemed  to 
faint  away.  We  tried  to  restore  her,  and  sent  to  a 
neighboring  lodge  where  we  knew  a  doctor  was 
among  the  guests.  When  he  came  over  he  said  she 
had  died  of  heart  failure." 

"But  why?"  I  asked  dully.  "Had  she  had  any 
heart  disease?" 

"That  I  didn't  ask  him.  It  was  the  direct  result 
of  shock,  caused,  as  your  sister  will  tell  you,  by  the 
perusal  of  one  of  the  letters  she  got." 

"Who  was  it  from?"  I  asked,  not  caring,  in  my 
desperation  and  anguish,  though  the  whole  world 
knew  what  I  had  done. 

"That  I  don't  know.  Your  sister  took  possession 
of  the  letters.  She  will  give  them  to  you,  doubtless, 
or  tell  you  what  you  wish  to  know." 

After  that  a  silence  as  of  the  grave  fell  between  us, 
and  we  drove  through  the  glory  of  the  morning  into 
the  heart  of  the  everlasting  hills  where  she  had  found 
the  peace  and  oblivion  for  which  her  tortured  spirit 
had  longed. 

We  came,  in  little  over  an  hour's  time,  for  the 
horses  did  not  lag  on  the  hilly  way,  to  the  beautiful 
old  house  standing  sheer  against  the  belt  of  firs, 
with  the  heather  hill  behind  it,  and  the  moor  in 
front. 

Its  beauty  seemed  to  make  a  mock  of  me,  and  the 
sun  was  all  aglow,  as  if  it  had  no  kinship  with  human 
pain. 

I  passed  into  the  house,  and  they  took  me  some- 
where to  a  room,  where  Jane,  like  a  Nemesis,  was 


224  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

awaiting  my  coming.  She  had  no  welcome  for  me, 
not  any  word  of  sympathy.  Her  eyes,  like  those  of 
a  stranger,  looked  into  mine;  her  voice,  cold  and 
distant  and  menacing,  broke  the  dreary  stillness. 
These  were  the  words  she  said: 

"She  is  dead.  You  have  killed  the  sweetest  soul 
God  ever  made.  I  pray  He  may  forgive  you,  for  I 
never  can!" 


CHAPTER  XIV 

I  stared  at  her  stupidly,  uncomprehendingly,  con- 
scious of  nothing  but  an  amazing  deadening  of  all 
sensation.  I  suffered  no  pain,  no  apprehension,  no 
shame,  though  my  own  sister's  eyes  were  full  of  a 
matchless  scorn  and  contempt.  I  only  wanted  to 
know. 

"Yuill  spoke  of  a  letter  or  letters  she  received. 
Who  were  they  from?"  I  asked  calmly. 

A  small  bag  of  black  velvet  with  a  silver  mount 
hung  by  her  side;  she  opened  it  with  a  snap,  and 
took  out  a  crushed  sheet. 

"There's  the  precious  thing  that  killed  her,  and 
why  God  permits  you  and  such  men  as  you,  Gilbert, 
to  live  and  poison  the  pure  air  of  Heaven,  He  alone 
knows." 

I  was  still  unconscious  of  shame,  though  I  felt  the 
color  slowly  mounting  to  my  face.  I  took  the 
thing,  and  saw  it  was  in  Maud's  stylish  handwriting. 
I  read  no  further  than  the  first  sentence — "Darling 
old  boy" — then  crushed  it  in  my  pocket,  and  looked 
straightly  at  Jane. 

"Where  is  she?"  I  asked  roughly. 

"Upstairs.  I  have  the  key  of  her  room,  and  I 
don't  know  whether  I  am  going  to  let  you  see  her," 

225 

15 


226  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

she  said  steadily.  "She  does  not  belong  to  you  any 
more.  You  cast  her  off.  You  hurt  her  and  were 
cruel.  I  have  sworn  that  none  except  those  who 
loved  her  shall  go  near  or  touch  her  now." 

Then  something  seemed  to  break  within  me,  and  I 
gave  a  great  cry. 

"But  I  love  her,  God  in  Heaven  knows  I  do! 
Stand  aside,  woman,  and  let  me  go  to  her.  She's 
mine,  I  tell  you,  mine,  and  not  all  the  powers  of 
Heaven  or  hell  will  keep  me  from  her." 

I  saw  her  shrink  from  the  torrent  of  my  woe.  She 
stood  aside,  opened  the  door,  suffered  me  to  pass  out. 
She  seemed  to  realize  that  the  deeps  were  opened, 
and  that  for  once  in  my  poor  mockery  of  a  life  the 
truth  had  spoken  in  me.  I  followed  her  up  the 
winding  stair,  and  she  opened  a  door.  I  entered,  and 
it  was  closed  behind  me.  I  was  alone  with  my  dead. 

It  was  a  holy  place.  They  who  understood  her 
had  not  sought  to  shut  out  the  sun,  which  lay  upon 
the  large  wide  room  in  a  mellow  flood. 

I  saw  nothing  but  the  bed,  a  great  four-poster 
hung  with  old-fashioned  chintz  and  covered  with 
something  made  of  lace,  pure  white  as  the  snow. 

I  moved  across  the  sunny  floor,  and  so  stood,  look- 
ing down  upon  that  which  lay  so  still  and  motionless, 
the  empty  shrine  whence  the  pure  spirit  had  fled. 
She  might  have  been  asleep,  so  serene  was  the  face, 
so  unlike  the  hideous  thing  we  call  death.  Her  hands 
were  clasped  above  a  spray  of  white  heather.  I  had 
another  in  my  breast  pocket  which  she  had  sent  me 
in  her  letter,  telling  me  it  was  a  harbinger  of  peace 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  227 

and  luck.  I  wondered  whether  both  had  been  broken 
from  one  little  bough. 

Such  an  immense  calm  was  upon  me  that  I  took  in 
every  detail  and  beheld  with  eyes  which  missed  noth- 
ing the  majestic  beauty  of  her  face. 

On  it  was  the  child  look  of  wonder  and  of  peace, 
the  look  of  one  to  whom  the  Vision  had  come,  with- 
out fear  and  without  reproach. 

She  was  safe — nay,  more — she  was  happy;  she  had 
returned  to  the  Heaven  whence  she  had  come,  and 
with  which  she  had  never  severed  kinship  or  com- 
munion on  earth,  while  I,  who  for  all  these  years  had 
been  entrusted  with  her  care,  and  had  so  basely 
betrayed  that  trust — God,  where  was  I? 

I  do  not  know  how  long  I  stayed  there,  or  what 
happened.  I  may  have  prayed,  I  may  have  been  on 
my  knees.  I  may  have  cried  aloud  to  her  —  I  do 
not  know.  But  in  the  dusky  heat  of  the  afternoon 
I  found  myself  miles  from  the  house  lying  prone 
upon  the  heather,  where  I  drew  from  my  pocket 
the  accursed  thing  that  had  killed  her.  It  was  part 
of  my  punishment  that  I  had  to  read  it  through,  that 
I  had  to  discover  how  it  had  come  to  that  remote 
place.  It  was  all  capable  of  the  simplest  explana- 
tion, as  are  most  of  the  happenings  of  life.  There 
is  very  little  mystery,  after  all,  in  our  scheme  of 
things;  each  step  of  the  way  depends  for  surety  or 
the  reverse  upon  the  one  which  went  before;  each 
issue  marches  to  its  logical  and  inevitable  conclusion. 
The  letter  was  written  from  the  H6tel  Continental 
at  Paris,  where  Maud  had  found  a  woman  friend. 


228  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

Surmising  that  I  had  gone  to  St.  Jacques,  she  had 
addressed  me  there.  To  prevent  confusion,  Hester 
had  left  instructions  with  the  nuns  to  forward  any- 
thing that  might  come  for  her  direct  to  Glen  Isla. 
Either  they  had  not  troubled  to  discern  between 
husband  and  wife,  or  had  thought  it  was  of  no 
consequence;  anyhow,  the  letter  intended  solely 
and  privately  for  me  had  been  readdressed  to 
Hester,  who,  doubtless,  overpowered  by  her  inward 
fears,  had  opened  it. 

That  was  all.  A  few  lines  of  that  letter  were 
enough  to  confirm  her  worst  fears,  to  convince  her 
beyond  doubt  that  Maud  Lacy  and  I  were  far  more 
to  one  another  than  we  had  any  right  to  be.  It  was 
a  love-letter  in  the  most  hateful  sense,  and  a  pro- 
prietary letter  as  well,  such  as  no  wife  could  read  and 
preserve  her  faith  in  her  husband.  I  ground  my 
teeth  as  I  glanced  rapidly  over  the  contents,  tor- 
turing myself  with  imagining  how  the  words  would 
burn  upon  my  wife's  brain  and  heart.  There  were 
allusions  to  her  in  it,  the  pitying,  half-contemptuous 
phrases  with  which  a  bad  woman  can  write  of  the 
good  one  she  has  supplanted. 

In  a  fit  of  rage  and  fury,  I  tore  it  into  a  thousand 
pieces,  and  scattered  it  to  the  four  winds  of  heaven. 
But  it  did  not  ease  my  intolerable  burden.  I  was  a 
murderer  in  the  eye  of  Heaven,  if  not  of  earth.  In 
that  white  old  house  on  the  hillside  there  were  at 
least  two  persons  who  did  not  and  would  not  acquit 
me  of  my  wife's  death.  They  had  to  be  faced  again, 
for  there  were  hideous  details  to  be  settled,  a  funeral 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  229 

to  be  arranged  and  endured,  all  the  myriad  and  awful 
accompaniments  of  death  to  be  faced  and  overcome. 
I  picked  myself  up,  and,  standing  for  a  few  brief 
moments  in  that  utter  loneliness,  with  the  cry  of  the 
curlew  and  the  crooning  song  of  the  moorland  burn- 
ing in  my  ears,  faced  the  awful  thing  that  had  over- 
taken me.  In  it  I  saw  the  hand  of  God,  the  great 
Judge  and  Avenger,  and  I  knew  that  my  lifelong 
punishment  had  begun.  Nothing  that  human  beings 
could  do  to  me  could  equal  or  touch  the  cankerworm 
which  must  now  prey  upon  my  vitals  to  the  very 
end  of  my  life. 

I  was  ready  for  them;  they  could  do  their  worst. 
I  made  my  way  with  long,  swinging  strides  toward 
the  house,  and  Yuill  met  me  at  the  open  door. 
Whatever  his  inward  estimate  of  me,  and  that 
undoubtedly  was  the  lowest  one  man  could  enter- 
tain toward  another,  he  would  not  forego  altogether 
the  duties  of  his  house. 

"You  must  come  and  get  something  to  eat,"  he 
said,  not  kindly,  but  straightly  and  quietly.  "Din- 
ner is  over,  but  there  is  something  ready  for  you." 

"I  break  no  bread  in  this  house,"  I  answered  him, 
man  to  man.  "No,  nor  stop  under  its  roof.  I  saw 
a  little  inn  as  I  came  up  the  glen.  I  will  find  a  room 
there.  But  before  I  get  my  bag,  perhaps  you  will 
be  good  enough  to  inform  me  what  will  be  the 
best  steps  to  take  regarding  the  removal  of — of  my 
wife  to  London." 

Yuill  leaned  against  the  lintel  of  the  door  and  eyed 
me  steadily. 


230  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

"Your  sister  and  I  have  decided  to  bury  her  here. 
If  you  step  inside,  Miss  Trent  will  come  to  you  and 
give  her  reasons.  We  decided  that  this  morning 
before  you  came." 

"She  is  mine,"  I  answered  hotly,  "and  I  take 
her  where  I  will." 

But  Jane,  who  had  been  on  the  watch  for  me  all 
day  long,  joined  us  at  the  moment,  and  I  gathered 
from  the  expression  of  her  face  that  her  will  would 
prevail  against  mine.  "We  shall  not  let  you  take 
her  away,"  she  answered  clearly.  "We  and  we 
alone  have  the  right  to  her  now.  But  I  will  tell  you 
why  we  have  decided  to  lay  her  in  Glen  Isla,  though, 
remember,  I  recognize  no  right  of  yours  to  be  told. 
We  went  together  driving  one  day  to  a  little  kirk  on 
the  other  side  of  the  hill,  where  there  is  a  handful 
of  graves.  It  is  remote  from  everything  but  God. 
Her  eyes  were  wet  as  she  slipped  about  among  the 
mounds,  and  as  we  turned  to  go  she  said  to  me: 
'Jane,  I  want  you  to  make  me  a  promise  here.' 

"I  asked  her  what  it  was,  and  she  answered: 

"  'Wherever  I  die,  promise  me  you  will  bring 
me  here  to  sleep.  I  love  this  place.  It  has  lifted  me 
up.  God  has  come  quite  near  to  me  here  among 
these  old  hills,  and  I  have  neither  fear  nor  sorrow 
any  more  in  my  heart.'  ' 

Her  voice  broke  upon  the  last  words,  and,  turning 
abruptly,  she  left  us.  Yuill  turned  away,  his  big 
shoulders  heaving,  while  I,  feeling  a  worm  in  the 
dust,  had  no  balm  for  my  burning  eyes. 

I  went  into  the  house,  took  my  bag,  and  strode 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  231 

away  down  the  white  ribbon  of  the  road  to  the  inn, 
and  I  saw  them  no  more  till  the  day  on  which  we 
laid  her  in  the  place  which  she  had  chosen.  There 
was  much  pity  expressed  for  me  by  those  who  knew 
nothing  beyond  the  fact  of  my  wife's  sudden  death. 
I  do  not  know  how  I  comported  myself  among  the 
interested  strangers  watching  me.  I  only  know  that 
the  day  was  got  through,  and  that  from  the  church- 
yard gate  I  drove  straight  to  the  train  that  was  to 
bear  me  away  to  the  hell  waiting  for  me.  I  was 
glad  to  get  away.  Some  day,  I  told  myself,  when 
my  heart  and  life  should  be  purged,  some  magnet, 
some  cord  from  out  eternity,  might  draw  me  once 
more  to  that  little  green  enclosure  in  the  lap  of  the 
hills,  but  that  must  be  a  long  way  off.  Meanwhile  I 
had  to  find  myself,  to  get  in  grips  with  the  thing 
that  had  actually  overtaken  my  heart  and  life. 
Naturally  a  kindly  person,  my  torment  was  now 
intensified  by  the  memory  of  my  own  thoughtless 
cruelty  spread  over  a  long  period  of  years.  I  had 
been  cruel  to  the  being  I  loved  best  on  earth,  and  now 
she  was  beyond  reach  either  of  my  cruelty  or  my 
atonement.  I  arrived  at  King's  Cross  at  half-past 
six  on  Saturday  night,  and  at  once  drove  out  to 
Finchley  to  the  home  which  would  never  more  be 
brightened  by  her  presence.  My  one  desire  was  to 
get  there,  to  shut  the  door  upon  myself  within  its 
walls,  and  there  indulge  my  grief,  my  impotent  woe. 
There  I  could  be  alone,  if  not  with  her,  at  least  with 
my  memory  of  her.  I  cannot  write  of  that  night. 
The  marvel  was  that  the  morning  found  me  sane 


232  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

and  alive.  More  than  once,  in  the  silent  night- 
watches,  the  devil  was  at  my  elbow,  whispering  to 
me  of  the  quickest  and  the  easiest  way  out.  But 
always  something  held  me  back,  an  unseen  force, 
which  kept  me  from  the  coward's  grave. 

Toward  the  morning  a  little  sleep  came  to  me,  and 
after  breakfast  I  was  able  to  speak  to  Mrs.  Rickett, 
the  gardener's  wife,  who  had  been  caretaking  in  our 
absence;  all  the  servants  having  gone  for  their  holi- 
days. Oddly  enough,  it  had  never  occurred  to  me, 
when  in  Glen  Isla,  that  there  was  anybody  in  London 
sufficiently  interested  to  be  told.  No  notice  had 
appeared  in  the  London  papers.  My  wife  was  an 
obscure  person,  I  thought,  known  to  very  few,  and 
her  death  would  not  seriously  affect  a  wide  circle, 
but  in  this,  as  in  many  other  premises  regarding  her, 
I  found  myself  entirely  at  fault. 

When  I  told  Mrs.  Rickett,  she  looked  at  me  with 
unbelieving  eyes. 

"The  missus  dead  and  buried — oh,  sir,  it  can't  be 
true!"  she  wailed,  and  wrung  her  hands  like  a  person 
distraught,  as,  indeed,  she  was. 

I  put  the  few  particulars  in  her  possession,  and  left 
her  to  tell  Rickett,  and  from  that  hour  he  was  a 
changed  man.  They  had  both  loved  her  with  a  love 
which  found  its  chief  expression  in  most  loyal  and 
willing  service.  Before  that  ghastly  Sunday  was 
over,  I  regretted  that  I  had  parted  with  my  painful 
secret  so  soon.  Mrs.  Rickett  managed  somehow  to 
get  news  of  the  event  to  St.  Luke's  Church,  and  in 
the  afternoon,  as  I  sat  on  a  chair  in  the  veranda, 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  233 

the  Jermyns  suddenly  came  in  at  the  gate.  I  rose 
a  little  wildly,  looking  round  for  some  means  of 
escape,  but  none  offered.  I  gripped  the  back  of 
my  chair  and  stood  up,  nerving  myself  for  the 
ordeal  at  hand.  After  all,  I  told  myself,  I  had  to 
begin  somewhere.  If  life  were  to  be  lived  at  all,  I 
had  to  face  the  world.  Something  more  than  sym- 
pathetic concern  sat  on  their  faces;  there  was  the 
genuine  sorrow  of  those  who  feel  themselves  person- 
ally bereft. 

"Can  it  be  true  what  we  have  heard  through  our 
cook  this  morning,  Mr.  Trent?  Has  our  dear  and 
precious  friend  really  left  us?"  said  Jermyn,  striving 
to  steady  his  voice,  which  betrayed  his  genuine 
feeling.  His  wife  was  frankly  in  tears. 

"My  wife  is  dead,"  I  answered,  speaking  in  a  dull, 
straight  voice  like  some  schoolboy  reeling  off  his 
task.  "It  was  quite  sudden;  a  heart  failure.  We 
buried  her  in  Glen  Isla;  that  is  all " 

I  don't  know  how  it  struck  them;  they  looked  at 
me  oddly,  and  there  was  a  moment's  tense  silence. 
Obviously  the  rector  felt  himself  at  a  loss,  and 
realized  that  the  commonplace  expressions  of  sym- 
pathy or  of  religious  condolence  would  in  this  case 
be  wholly  out  of  place.  We  were  not  intimate. 
Of  late  years,  indeed,  it  had  fallen  out  that  we  had 
met  but  seldom. 

"It  is  an  irreparable  loss  to  us,  to  this  parish,  to 
the  whole  neighborhood,"  he  said  at  length.  "In 
fact,  it  is  a  loss  which  will  never  be  fully  realized  by 
any  of  us.  She  was  unique,  noble,  as  nearly  perfect 


234  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

as  a  human  being  can  be.  Sir,  I  am  unable  to  offer 
any  kind  of  condolence  to  you." 

"I  want  none,"  I  answered  thickly.  "Please  go 
away  and  leave  me  alone." 

It  was  then  that  the  woman's  heart  was  touched, 
and,  looking  at  me  with  much  kindliness,  Mrs. 
Jermyn  tried  to  say  that  which  would  most  comfort 
me.  In  her  ignorance  she  made  choice  of  a  whip  of 
scorpions. 

"It  is  all  too  terrible  and  too  sad,  but  at  least  we 
have  had  her,  Mr.  Trent.  Our  life  would  have  been 
so  much  the  poorer  if  we  had  never  known  her. 
When  we  feel  like  that,  what  must  it  be  to  you?  I 
pray  that  God  will  bind  up  your  broken  heart,  and 
somehow  fill  the  home  empty  of  her  presence." 

They  went  away  with  that,  and  I  was  powerless  to 
utter  another  word.  I  heard  afterwards  that  they 
had  been  much  impressed  with  the  vastness  and  the 
dignity  of  my  unutterable  grief,  and  that  I  had  risen 
thereby  in  their  estimation.  The  idea  made  me 
smile,  when  I  could  smile  again,  because  it  once  more 
demonstrated  the  colossal  ignorance  in  which  we 
human  beings  live  in  relation  to  one  another,  and 
how  futile  are  most  of  our  attempts  at  complete 
understanding. 

Next  day  I  went  blindly  down  to  the  city,  where 
the  news  was  not  known  yet,  and  the  day  passed 
better  for  me  than  I  expected.  And  so  for  several 
days  until  the  one  dawned  which  brought  me  face 
to  face  with  Maud  Lacy  once  more.  When  she  was 
shown  into  my  room,  such  a  whirlwind  arose  in  my 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  235 

bosom  that  everything  swam  before  my  eyes,  and 
I  was  not  for  the  moment  master  of  myself.  She 
brought  with  her  a  whiff  of  her  own  subtle  scent, 
and  was  altogether  an  attractive  vision  in  her  summer 
attire,  as  her  silken  skirts  made  swish  through  the 
doorway.  When  she  spoke,  her  voice  had  the  airy 
ring  of  perfect  ignorance  or  indifference,  or  both. 

"So  you  are  back!"  she  cried.  "I  only  got  back 
from  Switzerland  last  night,  and  came  in  on  the  off- 
chance  to-day  just  to  ask  whether  you  think  you  have 
treated  me  well.  But,  Heavens,  what  is  the  matter 
with  you?  Why  do  you  look  at  me  like  that?" 

There  was  sudden  apprehension  in  her  voice,  and 
she  put  up  her  hand  and  pushed  back  the  white 
veil  which  had  always  been  a  distinctive  feature  of 
her  attire.  I  walked  to  the  door  to  make  sure  of  its 
fastening,  put  my  back  against  it,  and  answered  her. 

"My  wife  is  dead  and  buried  in  Scotland,  and  we 
have  killed  her." 

I  had  no  wish  but  to  take  my  full  share  of  the 
blame,  but  I  felt  an  unholy  joy  to  see  the  fine,  high 
color  recede  from  her  cheek. 

She  lost  her  proud  carriage,  too,  in  that  awful 
moment,  and  sank  into  the  nearest  chair. 

"Gilbert!"  she  said  in  a  shaking  whisper.  "You 
don't  mean  that  she — that  she " 

"She  didn't  commit  suicide,  if  it  is  that  you  mean, 
only  God  was  merciful  and  took  her.  It  was  your 
letter  which  did  it,  your  damnable  letter.  In  God's 
name,  if  you  had  to  write  it,  why  didn't  you  take 
care  that  it  reached  its  proper  destination  ? " 


236  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

"Then  she  got  it,  opened  it!  I  am  sorry,  Gilbert. 
Oh,  I  wish  I  was  dead  too!" 

I  believe  she  meant  it  at  the  moment.  She  made 
a  spectacle  of  humiliation  and  horror  as  pitiable  as 
mine. 

I  stood  glaring  at  her,  not  sorry  for  her  suffering — 
nay,  glad  of  it.  It  was  fitting  and  just  that  she,  too, 
should  pay  some  part  of  the  price. 

"I  'm  trying  to  remember  what  was  in  that  letter," 
she  said  at  last.  "I  just  rattled  it  off  one  wet 
night  at  the  Continental  when  I  was  feeling  hipped 
because  you  had  gone  off  as  you  did,  and  had  never 
sent  me  a  line.  You  don't  happen  to  have  it  on 
you?" 

"No,"  I  answered,  "I  haven't." 

There  was  a  spell  of  dreary  silence. 

"Don't  stand  there  like  an  image  and  glare  at  me 
like  that,  Gilbert  Trent!"  she  cried  pettishly  at  last. 
"After  all,  it  wasn't  all  my  fault.  You  were  always 
willing  enough.  But  what  I  want  to  know  is,  why 
she  should  have  taken  it  like  that  ?  To  die  over  one 
man — more  or  less.  Heavens,  you  weren't  worth  it. 
No  man  is!  Laugh  at  them,  fool  them,  get  what 
you  can  out  of  them — but  die  for  them — it's, 
it's  ineffable!" 

Still  I  did  not  speak,  for  I  think  I  felt  at  the 
moment  that  the  room  was  too  narrow  for  her  and 
me.  How  strange  it  was!  Outside,  the  hum  and 
roar  of  the  street  traffic,  while  London  hurried  about 
its  business;  inside  the  building,  all  the  orderly 
machinery  of  business  life;  while  within  the  room 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  237 

where  we  stood  it  was  narrowed  down  once  more  to 
the  primal  issue  presented  first  in  Eden. 

"You're  not  very  enlightening,"  she  said  as  her 
nervous  fingers  began  to  fumble  with  the  fastenings 
of  her  veil  in  a  vain  attempt  to  replace  it  as  before. 
' '  I  have  the  right  to  know.  Please  answer  me  these 
questions,  and  then  I'll  go.  How  did  it  happen 
that  she  got  the  letter?  Don't  you  take  any  better 
care  of  your  private  correspondence  than  that?  I 
didn't  take  you  for  quite  a  fool,  Gilbert." 

"We  had  left  St.  Jacques.  It  was  sent  on  to 
Scotland  after  her.  They  thought  I  was  there  too,  I 
suppose.  She,  having  her  own  suspicions,  for  it 
appears  to  me  that  she  had  known  more  than  we 
think,  opened  it." 

"And — and — did  anybody  else  see  it?"  she  asked 
feverishly,  the  instinct  of  self-preservation  asserting 
itself. 

"Jane  read  it,  and  has  not  spoken  to  me  since." 

"And  these  other  people  she  was  with,  the  Yuills?" 

"I  don't  know  how  much  Yuill  knows.  He,  too, 
has  suspected  since  the  day  we  lunched  together  at 
the  Great  Eastern." 

"Was  there  an  inquest  and  all  the  usual  fuss? 
What  did  you  say  there  ?  It  must  have  been  horrible 
for  you." 

"There  are  no  inquests  in  Scotland." 

"The  best  thing  I  've  ever  heard  about  the  beastly 
country,"  she  said  with  perfect  sincerity.  "And 
you  buried  her  there?  Where's  Jane?" 

"Still  with  the  Yuills." 


238  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

"But  I  suppose  she'll  come  back  to  you  and  keep 
house,  and  it  will  all  be  as  before.  Heavens,  what  a 
queer  thing  is  life!" 

"She'll  never  come  back.  She's  put  me  outside 
the  pale,"  I  answered,  and  began  to  unlock  the  door. 
She  stood  a  moment  irresolute  in  the  middle  of  the 
room.  She  had  received  an  undoubted  shock,  but  it 
was  not  in  her  nature  to  suffer  anything  to  overmaster 
her. 

"It's  horrible!  I'm  sorry.  I 'd— I 'd  have  left  her 
alone  if  I  'd  had  any  idea  she  was  like  that,  or — or  so 
bound  up  in  you.  As  I  said  before,  you  're  not  worth 
it,  Gilbert — no  man  is.  I  'm  dead  sick  of  everything, 
and  I've  a  very  good  mind  to  go  back  to  Russia. 
There 's  somebody  there  who  would  be  rather  glad  to 
see  me.  But  I  won't  desert  you,  Gilbert.  We  ought 
to  suffer  together." 

I  opened  the  door  and  stood  aside  for  her  to  pass 
out.  I  was  incapable  of  speech  at  the  moment, 
because  if  I  had  once  opened  the  flood-gates  I  knew 
I  should  become  an  irresponsible  being.  It  was 
better  to  part  in  silence.  She  offered  her  hand,  but 
I  could  not  touch  it.  Looking  at  me  strangely,  as 
one  might  intently  study  some  familiar  thing  that 
suddenly  presents  a  new  front,  Maud  Lacy  passed 
out  of  my  room  and  my  life  forever. 


CHAPTER  XV 

When  I  reached  home  that  evening  I  found  on  the 
hall  table  a  copy  of  the  local  paper,  published  at  the 
end  of  each  week.  Something  made  me  open  it  out 
at  once,  and  the  first  thing  that  met  my  eye  was  the 
heading,  "The  late  Mrs.  Trent  of  Grey  Gables.  An 
appreciation.  By  one  who  knew  her."  I  dropped 
down  on  the  hall  seat  and  began  to  read.  It  was  a 
long  article  in  close  type,  extending  to  a  column  and 
a  half,  and  had  evidently  been  written  by  one  who  had 
had  an  intimate  acquaintance  with  Hester.  It  was 
most  beautifully  expressed,  but  the  thing  that  amazed 
me  most  was  the  amount  of  information  regarding 
my  wife  which  was  entirely  new  to  me.  I  marvelled 
as  I  read,  not  at  the  tale  of  her  endearing  qualities, 
which  had  never  been  hidden  from  me,  but  at  the 
number  and  nature  of  her  activities  in  the  place.  I 
now  learned  for  the  first  time  how  she  had  spent 
herself,  and  been  spent  for  the  community  in  which 
she  lived.  I  had  understood  vaguely  that  she  was 
interested  in  all  good  works,  and  had  carried  a  good 
many  of  them  through,  but  now  the  sum  of  her 
actual  labors  was  set  before  me  in  clear  print,  an 
astounding  record,  as  well  as  a  complete  revelation 
of  a  life  whose  outer  fringes  I  had  merely  touched. 

239 


240  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

The  article  dealt  first  with  her  work  at  the  women's 
meeting  connected  with  St.  Luke's,  and  which  was 
held  every  Monday  afternoon.  About  two  years 
after  we  came  to  Finchley,  Hester,  after  much  urging 
from  Mrs.  Jermyn,  who  was  out  of  health,  had 
undertaken  its  sole  conduct.  She  had  asked  my 
advice  before  she  accepted,  but  I,  not  being  interested 
in  that  class  of  occupation,  had  treated  it  with  my 
usual  flippancy. 

"If  you  wouldn't  find  it  a  beastly  fag,  do  it  by 
all  means.  Only  don't  let  them  wear  you  out,  old 
woman.  The  church  crowd  is  notoriously  the  most 
ungrateful  on  earth." 

I  read  how  the  thing  had  grown  and  flourished 
under  Hester's  fostering  care,  how  the  accommoda- 
tion of  the  parish  room  had  become  inadequate,  and 
a  larger  hall  had  to  be  found,  how  precious  that 
Monday  hour  had  become  to  the  women  not  only  of 
St.  Luke's,  but  of  a  far  wider  constituency.  And  it 
was  primarily  for  Hester  they  came.  I  stared 
stupidly  at  the  words.  "The  whole  explanation  of 
the  movement  which  has  done  so  much  to  lift  up  the 
working  womanhood  of  our  town  and  district,  is  that 
Mrs.  Trent  gave  herself.  These  words  might  be 
written  in  letters  of  gold  above  every  action  of  her 
life:  'She  gave  herself."  It  went  on  to  tell  of  her 
sympathy,  her  practical  help,  her  spiritual  insight 
into  the  needs  and  sorrows  of  others,  her  untiring 
devotion  and  cheerfulness,  and  her  sweet  humility. 
"She  was  so  approachable,  no  one  feared  to  go  to  her 
with  their  story,  either  of  sin  or  distress.  Literally 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  241 

following  in  the  footsteps  of  the  Master  she  served, 
she  did  what  she  could.  The  loss  to  us  is  irreparable. 
A  movement  is  on  foot  to  make  some  memorial  of 
this  beloved  woman  who  has  been  a  succorer  of 
many." 

I  was  still  staring  stupidly  at  these  words,  marvel- 
ling that  the  outside  world  should  have  been  capable 
of  such  appreciation,  when  a  shadow  fell  across  the 
tiles  of  the  open  porch.  A  young  man  stood  there, 
looking  eagerly,  almost  imploringly,  into  the  house. 
When  I  rose  and  spoke  to  him,  inquiring  his  business, 
his  distress  seemed  to  increase.  He  hurriedly  drew 
from  his  pocket  a  copy  of  the  very  paper  I  was 
reading. 

"Oh,  sir,  is  this  true?  Is  Mrs.  Trent  really  dead? 
I  had  not  heard.  I  can't  believe  it!  She  was  the 
best  friend  I  had  in  the  world." 

I  asked  him  to  come  in.  I  took  him  to  the  library 
and  begged  him  to  tell  his  story.  He  did.  It  was  a 
common  one  of  weakness  and  easy  stumbling  on  the 
downward  way.  Hester  had  come  across  him,  had 
helped  him  with  money,  and  with  advice ;  in  a  word, 
had  lifted  him  from  the  slough  of  despond  and  set 
him  in  a  safe  place.  As  I  listened,  the  wonder  and 
the  bitterness  grew  in  my  heart  because  she  had  been 
able  to  save  all  but  me.  I  found  myself  taking  a  new 
r61e  that  night,  the  r61e  of  sympathizer  and  helper. 
This  poor  lad  must  have  some  one  to  step  into  the 
breach ;  perhaps  this  was  the  work  which  Hester  had 
left  for  me  to  do.  I  had  no  right  to  advise  or  judge 
a  man  in  such  trouble,  because  I  had  fallen  so  far 

18 


242  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

short,  yet  I  had  such  understanding  of  his  case,  that  I 
was  able  to  send  him  comforted  upon  his  way.  This 
gave  me  a  sense  of  nearness  to  her,  and  for  the  first 
time  a  light  seemed  to  shine  across  the  awful  dreari- 
ness of  my  path.  As  I  went  slowly  upstairs  after  he 
had  gone,  I  thought  of  all  the  evidences  that  had  been 
marshalled  before  me  in  the  last  days.  Not  one  had 
passed  without  its  toll  of  tribute  to  her  memory. 

All  sorts  and  conditions  of  men  and  women  had 
spoken  to  me,  and  I  found  myself  the  object  of  a 
peculiar  and  respectful  sympathy  which  had  almost 
unmanned  me.  They  argued  from  the  premises  that 
if  they  missed  her  so  much,  what  must  her  loss  mean 
to  me  ?  For  the  first  time  I  took  courage  to  enter  the 
place  of  sacred  and  most  poignant  memory,  the  first- 
floor  room  which  had  been  Hester's  shrine.  It  was  as 
she  had  left  it,  all  orderly  and  sweet,  but  it  struck  me 
with  a  sort  of  chill.  Since  my  home-coming  I  had 
occupied  one  of  the  guest  rooms  at  the  farther  end  of 
the  passage,  and  had  not  so  much  as  opened  this  door. 
I  entered  by  way  of  the  dressing  room,  and  closed  the 
communicating  door.  Restfulness  was  the  note 
struck  by  that  wide,  low  chamber,  restfulness  and 
purity.  A  carpet  of  French  gray  was  on  the  floor, 
and  the  hangings  were  gray,  with  a  border  of  worked 
roses  at  the  hem.  I  remembered  how  many  days 
Hester  had  sat  over  them,  getting  all  the  shades  to 
tone,  and  how  pleased  she  had  been  with  the  effect 
when  all  was  finished.  She  had  called  me  in  to 
inspect  and  criticize,  and  I  think  I  had  said  it  lacked 
a  dash  of  color. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  243 

The  only  note  of  contrast  was  struck  by  the  deep 
pink  frieze  against  the  ceiling.  There  was  not 
much  furniture  and  no  heavy  wardrobe,  for  Hester 
made  a  wardrobe  room  in  one  of  the  attics.  As  she 
used  this  one  often  as  a  boudoir,  she  had  utilized  the 
wall  space  where  a  wardrobe  might  have  stood  by 
placing  against  it  an  old  Dutch  bureau  which  to- 
gether we  had  bought  in  an  antique  shop  in  Harwich. 
It  was  locked  now,  but  her  keys  were  in  my  pocket. 
She  had  left  them  in  her  basket  downstairs,  but  had 
not  troubled  to  write  about  them,  evidently  assured 
that  no  one  would  intrude  upon  her  private  papers. 

Until  now,  I  had  had  no  wish  to  do  so.  I  ap- 
proached the  desk,  fitted  the  old  brass  key  in  it,  and 
pulled  down  the  flap.  In  the  pigeon  holes  all  the 
household  and  personal  accounts  were  neatly  dock- 
eted, while  in  one  of  the  deep  drawers  were  some 
letters  tied  with  pink  ribbon.  My  face  flushed  as  I 
saw  that  they  were  my  own,  all  the  happy  nonsense 
I  had  penned  to  her  during  the  brief  term  of  our 
engagement.  Every  one,  even  the  smallest  note,  was 
there. 

I  could  not  have  laid  hands  on  one  of  hers  now  to 
save  my  life.  I  was  not  the  kind  of  man  to  cherish 
such  souvenirs.  My  material  soul  was  all  for 
destroying  the  things  that  were  done  with,  and  it  was 
one  of  my  favorite  axioms  that  old  letters  are  merely 
so  much  lumber,  which  ought  to  be  destroyed  ruth- 
lessly before  they  make  confusion  in  more  senses 
than  one.  Hester  had  never  refuted  such  vandal 
statement,  doubtless  her  answer  had  been  a  little 


244  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

far-away  smile.  In  her  own  place  she  could  do  as 
she  liked,  and  nobody  had  the  right  to  forbid  her 
her  secret  treasures.  Three  drawers  were  below  the 
flap;  the  upper  one  was  locked. 

When  I  opened  and  drew  it  out,  I  was  surprised  to 
find  there  several  writing-pads  piled  one  on  another. 
I  had  often  seen  her  using  such  a  pad,  sometimes  on 
her  knee,  sometimes  at  the  desk,  and  had  twitted  her 
about  her  rivalry  of  Jane,  who  had  made  some  success 
with  fugitive  articles,  and  was  even  then  engaged  in 
a  more  ambitious  effort.  I  lifted  up  one  and  found 
that  it  was  filled  from  end  to  end  with  Hester's  neat, 
easily  read  handwriting,  each  page  numbered,  and 
some  of  them  dated.  Further  inspection  informed 
me  that  it  was  my  wife's  private  diary,  kept  faith- 
fully from  the  time  of  her  marriage.  It  gave  me  a 
strange  thrill  of  fear,  and  I  hastened  to  close  the 
drawer  and  turn  the  key.  That  record,  if  it  were 
faithfully  set  down,  must  contain  a  circumstantial 
and  colossal  indictment  of  myself.  I  made  up  my 
mind,  as  I  hastened  from  the  desk,  that  I  would 
never  read  it,  that  I  would  take  my  courage  in  both 
hands  one  day,  and  burn  it  in  a  fire  which  would 
consume  every  letter  and  page  of  it.  Yet  all  the 
while  I  knew  myself  consumed  with  a  fierce  desire 
to  take  it  out  and  discover  my  wife's  estimate  of  me, 
her  version  of  our  dual  life. 

Before  I  left  the  room  I  looked  at  other  things,  at 
the  little  spindle-legged  table  by  the  bed  on  which 
stood  the  slide  containing  what  Hester  called  her 
' '  bedside  books. ' '  They  were  chiefly  religious.  The 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  245 

Bible,  an  old  ivory  Prayer  Book  her  mother  had 
carried  on  her  marriage  day,  a  morocco  copy  of 
a  Kempis  (a  thing  I  had  always  hated  and  shrunk 
from,  and  regarding  which  Hester  and  I  had  had  some 
heated  arguments),  one  or  two  favorite  novels,  and 
some  volumes  of  poetry,  about  a  dozen  together,  all 
beloved  and  marked  in  places  because  they  had 
helped  to  build  up  the  inner  life  to  which  I  had 
been  such  a  total  stranger,  but  to  which  I  now  had 
the  key. 

In  the  night  watches,  when  I  awoke,  as  I  often  did 
at  that  time,  with  a  start  of  horror,  realizing  what 
had  befallen  me,  I  felt  myself  drawing  nearer  and 
nearer  to  the  old  Dutch  bureau,  I  saw  myself  with  the 
writing-pads  in  front,  devouring  the  contents.  And 
when  I  awoke  there  was  no  escape.  Next  day  was 
Sunday,  and  it  rained.  Behold  me,  then,  about  ten 
o'clock  in  the  morning,  carrying  my  wife's  tablets 
down  to  my  own  den,  and  laying  them  on  my  desk. 
Then  I  lit  my  pipe  and  sat  down  resolutely.  I  told 
myself  I  would  merely  dip  into  the  pages,  that  it  was 
necessary  I  should  do  so  in  case  they  might  contain 
some  instruction  or  some  guidance  for  my  future 
behavior,  or  even  some  behest  it  would  be  my  sacred 
duty  to  fulfill. 

But  all  the  time  at  the  back  of  my  mind,  remote 
from  all  these  specious  excuses  I  made  to  myself, 
there  was  the  one  fierce  and  overmastering  desire: 
to  learn  what  Hester  had  really  felt  and  thought  and 
suffered  during  the  years  we  had  been  together. 

The  diary  began  with  the  date,  November,  1897, 


246  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

immediately  after  our  marriage.  It  was  dated  from 
the  Bank  House,  Finchley,  and  must  have  been 
begun  when  we  returned  from  our  honeymoon. 
Without  further  preamble,  I  present  the  untouched, 
unedited  record  of  my  wife's  hidden  life. 

"I  have  always  wished  and  intended  to  keep  a 
proper  journal,  merely  for  my  own  use  and  instruction 
as  I  went  through  life,  but  somehow  until  now  there 
seemed  nothing  to  record  in  it  except  trivial  happen- 
ings and  vague  desires  and  hopes  and  thoughts.  All 
these  have  suddenly  crystallized  into  a  glorious 
reality,  and  I  must  perpetuate  it,  lest  it  should  by 
some  unexpected  turn  of  events  be  snatched  from  me. 
At  La  Grenade  the  days,  though  happy,  seem  now 
in  comparison  purposeless.  I  had  my  niche  to  fill 
there,  and  my  old  dears  have  assured  me  that  I  filled 
it  well. 

"But  a  subordinate  place  in  a  boarding  school, 
even  where  one  is  fairly  happy  and  completely 
trusted,  cannot  be  set  down  as  a  full  destiny  for  a 
woman  in  whose  heart  God  has  implanted  every 
womanly  instinct. 

1 '  In  the  year  before  I  met  Gilbert  I  was  conscious 
of  an  oddly  growing  unrest  of  soul.  Sometimes  I 
used  to  ask  myself  whether  I  should  have  to  go  on 
living  at  La  Grenade,  teaching  fresh  girls  until  I  was 
quite  an  old,  gray-haired  woman.  I  loved  the  girls, 
but  sometimes  my  spirit  quailed  a  little  at  the 
prospect  of  having  to  pilot  other  people's  children 
through  these  few  unimportant  years  of  their  lives. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  247 

"And  all  the  time  God  was  preparing  a  splendid 
destiny  for  me,  getting  me  ready  by  the  way  of 
patience  and  discipline  to  make  a  home. 

"And  now  I  am  in  it,  and  I  am  so  happy  I  want 
all  the  world  to  know  it.  Perhaps  it  is  because  I 
have  had  such  a  lonely  life.  Since  fifteen  I  have 
had  no  home.  I  have  no  people,  and  that  is  always 
very  sad  for  a  woman.  For  a  man,  perhaps,  it  does 
not  so  much  matter,  though  I  think,  from  what 
I  have  observed,  that  those  who  are  brought  up 
in  large  families  have  the  best  chance  of  happi- 
ness. 

"It  is  not  possible  for  them,  in  all  the  happy 
camaraderie  of  family  life,  to  become  either  selfish, 
morbid,  or  introspective.  I  was  very  pleased  when  it 
was  decided  that  I  was  to  take  Florrie  and  Bertha 
Lacy  to  England,  and  I  was  quite  conscious  of  a 
happy  thrill  of  inward  excitement. 

"Something  told  me  it  was  going  to  be  an  eventful 
journey  for  me,  personally,  and,  indeed,  it  proved  so, 
changing  my  entire  life. 

"I  wonder  may  I  whisper  here  on  this  page, 
which  nobody  but  myself  shall  ever  read,  that  the 
only  flaw  in  my  happiness  is  the  knowledge  that  it 
was  at  the  Lacys'  house  where  I  met  my  husband 
first. 

"I  was  not  long  with  them,  but  there  was  some- 
thing there  which  hurt  me.  I  am  afraid  to  set  it 
down  here;  it  will  seem  so  wicked  and  ungrateful 
after  all  the  joy  that  has  come  to  me  through  it. 
But  I  was  glad  to  get  away  from  Helston,  and  I  am 


248  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

profoundly  thankful  that  it  was  quickly  settled  that 
we  should  not  live  there. 

"Here  Gilbert  and  I  are  quite  alone,  and  surely  it 
will  be  my  fault  if  the  home  is  not  all  it  ought  to  be. 
He  is  so  kind  and  dear,  so  big  and  strong  and  tender. 
I  am  never  done  marvelling  that  he  should  have 
found  anything  to  care  for  in  me.  And  he  is  so  clever, 
too,  with  a  quick,  relentless  kind  of  cleverness  which 
I  am  sometimes  just  a  tiny  mite  afraid  of.  He  knows 
so  much  about  people  and  about  things,  and  can 
dissect  motives  in  a  moment. 

"Just  once  or  twice  I  have  felt  that  it  is  rather  nice 
not  to  be  clever,  and  to  believe  more  easily  in  people. 
I  like  nearly  everybody,  only  with  a  very  few  people 
I  feel  such  a  shrinking  of  spirit,  that  I  never  want  to 
meet  them  or  see  them  or  come  into  contact  with 
them.  I  am  very  sorry  that  I  should  feel  so  about 
some  of  Gilbert's  friends,  especially  those  he  is  very 
intimate  with  and  cares  most  about. 

"I  am  afraid  of  Maud  Lacy,  for  sometimes  she  is 
not  quite  kind  in  the  things  she  says  about  people.  I 
am  afraid,  too,  that  she  does  not  always  take  the 
trouble  to  be  accurate.  Gilbert  teases  me  some- 
times about  being  what  he  calls  'school-marmy,'  and 
that  I  must  begin  presently  to  take  broader  views  of 
life,  but  I  should  be  terrified  to  feel  about  people  and 
things  as  Miss  Lacy  does.  It  would  make  me  so 
unhappy  and  ashamed. 

"I  have  many  things  to  thank  my  dear  husband 
for,  but  most  of  all  I  think  I  love  him  for  giving  me  a 
real  sister  in  Jane. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  249 

1 '  They  are  so  different,  only  a  little  alike  when  they 
smile.  Both  have  such  a  beautiful  smile,  so  ready 
and  sunny.  Yet  when  he  is  serious,  Gilbert  can 
look  very  stern,  and  I  think  in  business  I  should  fear 
him  rather.  Perhaps  it  is  because  I  know  so  little 
about  men  that  I  say  this.  I  am  struck  dumb  by  the 
power  they  have,  and  how  they  can  make  or  mar  the 
whole  of  life  for  a  woman.  I  am  sure  I  could  never 
be  quite  as  much  to  Gilbert  as  he  is  to  me.  He  has 
so  many  interests;  I  have  only  him. 

"But  that  is  as  it  should  be,  I  am  sure,  and  I  pray 
God  that  he  may  never  find  me  wanting. 

I 

' '  It  has  been  such  fun  and  so  intensely  interesting 
furnishing  our  dear  little  house.  I  am  sure  that 
people  who  can  simply  go  to  a  shop  and  order  any- 
thing they  fancy  miss  a  great  deal  of  joy.  We  have 
to  count  up  how  much  we  can  afford  to  give  for  each 
article.  Even  when  we  have  to  go  without,  we  tell 
one  another  it  is  only  a  pleasure  deferred.  What  a 
dear,  big  child  Gilbert  is  in  such  matters!  Some- 
times I  feel  so  much  older,  almost  as  if  I  had  lived 
before.  Already  I  find  two  distinct  personalities  in 
him.  In  business  he  is  rather  terrible,  so  keen  and 
hard,  and  so  amazingly  clever.  That  is  the  Monsieur 
of  whom  Babette  stands  so  obviously  in  awe.  She 
simply  shakes  in  her  sabots  when  he  rings  the  bell. 
'Monsieur  ees  so  big  an  ires  terrible.  'E  spik  so 
loud!' 

"And  yet  his  heart  is  so  tender,  he  could  not  hurt 
a  fly.  I  wonder  whether  Babette  and  he  will  ever 


250  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

understand  one  another.  Just  at  present  it  seems 
rather  hopeless.  I  wonder  why  Englishmen,  when 
they  cannot  make  themselves  understood  in  a  foreign 
tongue,  go  on  shouting  louder  and  louder. 

"That  is  what  terrifies  Babette.  The  other 
morning  Gilbert  wanted  his  boots  very  quickly,  not 
the  pair  she  had  brought,  but  another,  and  the 
confusion  was  hopeless.  Finally,  when  Babette  was 
on  the  point  of  tears,  Gilbert  burst  out  laughing,  and 
she  retired  completely  mystified.  She  confided  to  me 
afterwards  that  she  was  quite  certain  the  moment 
had  come  when  Monsieur  had  determined  to  cut  off 
her  head.  To  me  she  is  the  greatest  possible  comfort . 
Such  devotion  and  such  capability  do  not,  I  think,  go 
often  hand  in  hand,  especially  in  England.  In 
some  respects  England  seems  to  me  rather  crude,  and 
the  life  of  the  suburbs  is  not  as  yet  dignified.  People 
are  everywhere  making  something —  houses,  busi- 
nesses, churches.  Perhaps  also  they  are  making 
themselves  in  the  process.  It  is  interesting  to 
watch.  Sometimes  I  wish  it  had  not  been  our  lot  to 
establish  something,  that  so  much  did  not  depend 
on  Gilbert  making  much  business  at  the  new  bank. 
One  has  to  push  so  hard  for  that,  and  not  to  be 
scrupulous.  My  husband  is  born  for  something 
better,  I  feel  sure. 

1 '  I  can  well  see  how  lonely  it  is  possible  to  be  in  a 
place  like  this.  There  is  no  precedent,  no  established 
order  of  things,  nobody  to  lead.  People  do  not  call 
on  one  another,  however  kindly  they  may  feel, 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  251 

because  they  do  not  know  whether  their  neighbors 
wish  to  know  them,  or  whether  even  they  will  be 
desirable  friends.  It  is  hard  to  undo  acquaintances 
after  they  are  made,  therefore  people  have  to  be 
careful.  But  the  outcome  of  it  all  is  much  loneliness 
for  those  who  are  fond  of  society.  We  have  not  had 
any  callers  yet,  though  I  meet  people  outside,  and 
in  the  shops,  where  I  go  to  buy  what  I  require,  who 
look  very  nice.  Sometimes  I  speak  to  them,  and 
then  they  are  so  pleasant.  Everything  seems 
complicated  here  in  England.  The  machinery  of 
life  is  cumbersome.  I  have  lived  so  long  abroad,  I 
can  see  where  both  the  French  and  the  Belgians  have 
the  advantage  of  us.  They  are  simpler,  they  are 
content  with  less,  ask  not  so  much  from  life.  It  is 
all  intensely  interesting.  I  can  never  be  dull  here; 
there  is  so  much  to  think  about  and  to  study. 

"We  have  had  much  joy  in  our  first  visit  from 
my  father-in-law  and  Jane.  They  came  for  the  week- 
end just  after  we  came  home.  I  love  Jane  so  much. 
She  has  been  like  a  mother  to  these  two  big  children, 
but  they  don't  know  it.  They  speak  of  her  kindly, 
but  with  much  condescension,  and  take  everything 
for  granted  where  she  is  concerned.  Laughing  very 
much,  she  said  to  me  one  day  that  she  was  not  sure 
whether  even  they  conceded  her  a  soul.  It  is  amaz- 
ing that  they  can  have  lived  so  long  beside  her,  with- 
out discerning  what  a  great  soul  she  has.  I  have 
never  met  any  one  quite  like  her,  and  her  knowledge 
of  human  nature  is  uncanny.  She  simply  looks 


252  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

at  a  person,  and  knows  him  or  her  through  and 
through. 

'"It  is  men  who  carry  on  the  work  of  the  world,' 
she  said  to  me  one  day,  'but  it  is  women  who  keep 
it  green.  Conceive  of  a  world  peopled  by  men! 
You  know  what  happens  to  them  in  mining  camps, 
in  barracks,  in  places  where  they  are  herded  together 
without  us.  They  lose  all  that  is  worth  preserving. 
I  don't  want  to  do  a  man's  work;  I  can't  think  why 
any  woman  should.  It  is  so  infinitely  less  than  ours, 
when  its  whole  sum  is  told.  We  have  to  keep  alive 
the  spark  of  divine  fire.  Most  of  us  do  it  badly,  but 
without  us  there  would  be  nothing  but  black  dark- 
ness. I  'm  quite  content  to  be  a  woman ' 

"That  is  the  sort  of  talk  which  makes  one  think. 
All  the  time  I  want  to  know  more  and  more  what  is 
inside  of  Jane.  As  this  is  my  quite  private  record  for 
my  eye  alone,  I  may  set  down  what  she  said  to  me 
personally  when  she  was  getting  ready  to  go  away. 

"I  don't  pray  very  much,  Hester,  but  every  day 
I  thank  God  for  giving  you  to  Gilbert.  He  was  what 
you  needed,  and  you  did  not  come  into  his  life  a 
moment  too  soon.  I  don't  say  he  has  deserved  you, 
mind,  but  I  'm  glad  he  has  got  you.  That  alone  has 
evened  up,  for  me,  a  little  of  the  injustice  of  life.' 
Even  yet  I  don't  quite  grasp  all  she  meant.  Perhaps 
I  shall  understand  better  later  on,  but  I  thank  God 
for  Jane.  She  is  so  true  and  brave  and  fine.  I  am  so 
thankful  she  cares  for  me. 

"I  love  to  watch  Gilbert  and  his  father  together, 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  253 

and  their  fine  courtesy  to  one  another.  Gilbert  says 
'sir'  to  him,  as  if  he  were  his  superior  officer.  Gil- 
bert has  told  me  what  his  father  said  to  him  once 
when  speaking  about  his  wife.  He  explained  that  by 
her  death  the  mainspring  of  his  life  was  broken. 
That  seems  to  explain  all  that  needs  explanation  in 
his  life,  his  apparent  godlessness  and  indifference,  the 
strange,  bitter  way  he  has  of  looking  at  things.  I 
wish  I  had  known  Gilbert's  mother;  she  would  have 
helped  me  so  much  to  understand  him.  Mr.  Trent 
is  most  kind  to  me.  When  he  went  away  he  kissed 
me,  and  said,  looking  at  me  in  the  eyes: 

"'My  dear,  I've  seen  your  home.  I  wanted  to 
see  it.  Probably  I  shall  never  come  to  it  again.  I  'm 
an  old  man,  and  I  don't  pay  visits  in  other  people's 
houses.  I  go  back  more  than  satisfied  Gilbert  has 
done  well  for  himself.  His  marriage  with  you  is  the 
wisest  thing  he  has  ever  accomplished  in  his  whole 
life.  Keep  the  rein  tight.  It's  what  we  all  need. 
And  so  long  as  that  soft,  steady  light  burns  for  him 
in  your  eyes,  both  he  and  you  will  be  right.  Good- 
bye. Come  to  Helston  and  see  the  old  man  who 
wishes  you  well.' 

"Somehow  my  eyes  filled  with  foolish  tears  at 
these  words.  There  was  such  finality  about  them.  I 
wish  they  said  more  about  Gilbert,  and  less  about 
me.  They  speak  as  if  I  had  some  great  responsibility. 
I  am  not  cut  out  for  responsibility.  I  have  moved  in 
such  a  narrow  groove." 

My  reading  was  interrupted  at  the  moment  by  the 


254  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

sound  of  wheels  on  the  gravel  outside,  some  vehicle 
coming  up  the  approach  to  the  house.  I  sprang  up 
and  hastened  to  the  window  and  beheld  a  station  fly 
with  luggage  on  the  top.  Immediately  thereafter 
Jane  alighted  from  it.  I  was  struck  dumb,  and  did 
not  know  what  to  do.  Somehow  I  thought  our 
parting  at  Glen  Isla  had  been  final,  and  though  I  was 
of  course  aware  that  she  could  not  remain  per- 
manently with  the  Yuills,  I  had  not  troubled  myself 
about  her  future  movements.  I  had  now  been  home 
ten  days,  and  no  communication  had  passed  between 
us  since.  Some  instinct  made  me  hide  all  the  tablets 
in  a  drawer,  which  I  locked,  putting  the  key  in  my 
pocket;  then  I  proceeded  gloomily  and  apprehen- 
sively downstairs.  Jane  was  now  in  the  hall,  direct- 
ing Rickett  what  to  do  with  her  baggage.  When  she 
saw  me  she  came  forward,  holding  out  her  hand. 

' '  How  do  you  do,  Gilbert  ? ' '  she  said  in  her  ordinary 
voice.  "I  was  not  sure  whether  I  should  find  you 
here.  The  Yuills  had  other  guests,  and  it  was  time 
for  me  to  come  home." 

I  stared  at  her  stupidly,  and  we  walked  together 
into  the  dining  room. 


CHAPTER  XVI 

As  we  faced  one  another  in  the  cool,  soft  light  of 
the  room  which  Hester  had  taken  such  pride  in,  I 
thought  Jane's  look  was  kindly,  though  remote. 

I  wanted  to  say  a  number  of  things,  but  my  lips 
refused  to  move. 

She  spoke  first.  "I  have  come  back,  Gilbert,  to 
see  whether  I  can  be  of  any  use  to  you  in  rearranging 
your  life.  I  have  come  at  Hester's  bidding." 

Her  voice  was  quite  quiet  and  assured,  and  I  could 
only  wait  until  she  chose  to  explain  her  strange 
words. 

"When  we  parted  that  day  we  buried  her,  I  did 
not  think  I  should  ever  wish  to  see  you  again.  I 
was  stunned,  horrified,  overwhelmed.  I  could  hardly 
even  think.  Then  it  was  borne  in  on  me  that  I  had 
to  find  some  place  for  myself,  that  I  could  not 
quarter  myself  much  longer  on  the  Yuills.  It  was 
all  very  dark  and  dreary,  and  I  did  not  know  what 
to  do." 

"Well,  then,  and  who  advised  you  to  come  back? " 
I  asked  in  a  voice  that  had  small  resemblance  to 
my  usual  arbitrary  tones. 

"I  am  coming  to  that.  I  asked  for  guidance,  as  I 
have  always  done  all  through  my  life,  and  it  came, 

255 


256  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

but  not  in  the  way  I  expected.  May  I  sit  down, 
Gilbert? — I  am  feeling  very  tired." 

I  hastened  to  set  a  chair  for  her,  and  she  drew  off 
her  gloves,  took  the  pins  from  her  black  hat,  and  laid 
it  on  the  table.  I  noticed  the  smooth  braiding  of  her 
hair,  its  exquisite  neatness,  and  at  the  same  time  the 
breadth  and  nobility  of  her  forehead.  She  was  in 
her  own  way  a  beautiful  woman. 

"Won't  you  sit  down  too,  Gilbert?  for  the  thing 
I  am  going  to  tell  you  will  take  a  little  time.  I  don't 
expect  that  you  will  believe  it,  but  that  it  all  hap- 
pened I  am  as  certain  as  I  am  before  you  now." 

My  eyes  must  have  glowed  with  eagerness,  but 
my  heart  beat  with  a  strange  suffocation;  I  felt  that 
I  was  about  to  hear  something  strange,  perhaps  even 
terrible.  But  now  nothing  could  surprise  me.  I  was 
even  prepared  to  hear  that  Hester  was  not  dead  at  all, 
so  unreal  was  the  whole  world  in  which  I  lived. 
Presently  she  began  again. 

"After  everything  was  over,  and  you  had  gone, 
I  asked  Christina  whether  she  would  mind  if  I  had  the 
room  where  Hester  had  been,  and  where  you  saw  her. 
I  had  the  feeling  that  somehow  it  might  bring  her 
nearer  to  me.  I  felt  as  if  there  was  nothing  at  all 
left  in  the  wide  world  when  we  came  away  from  the 
old  kirkyard  that  day  and  left  her  to  her  rest.  She 
had  no  objection ;  she  even  liked  the  idea,  and  that 
night  we  stopped  a  long  time  together  in  the  room 
talking  about  her.  I  will  tell  you  here,  Gilbert,  that 
Miss  Yuill  does  not  know  the  whole  story.  Even 
Andrew,  I  think,  does  not,  though  he  knows  a  part." 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  257 

She  said  this,  I  thought,  to  comfort  me,  and  once 
more  her  eyes  rested  on  my  face  with  something  of  the 
old  kindliness  of  expression. 

"When  you  went  away,  Gilbert,  I  never  wanted 
to  see  you  again.  I  hated  you  so  much  that  in  heart 
I  was  almost,  if  not  quite,  a  murderer.  It  was  wrong. 
God  showed  me  it  was  quite  wrong.  That  is  why  I 
am  here." 

She  seemed  garrulous  and  discursive,  I  thought, 
taking  a  long  time  to  get  to  the  point  of  her  story,  if 
she  had  one  to  tell. 

"I  was  telling  you  how  I  came  to  occupy  her 
room,  and  the  second  night  I  was  there,  in  the  middle 
of  the  night  I  woke  up  quite  suddenly  with  a  start, 
certain  some  one  was  there.  It  was  Hester.  I  saw 
her  as  plainly  as  I  see  you  now." 

"It's  impossible!"  I  said  thickly.  "Such  things 
do  not  happen." 

"They  do  to  some  people.  I  have  seen  father 
twice,  Gilbert,  since  he  went  away,  only  it  was  no  use 
talking  about  it.  This  is  different.  Hester's  return 
concerns  you,  and  I  had  no  choice  but  to  come  back 
to  London  to  tell  you." 

She  babbled  on,  apparently  quite  unconscious  of 
the  torture  to  which  she  was  subjecting  me.  "I  sat 
up,  stretching  out  my  hands  joyfully,  not  in  the  least 
afraid,  Gilbert.  She  looked  so  sweet  and  so  happy. 
There  was  a  light  on  her  face  which  belongs  to  the 
other  side.  She  did  not  speak,  and  when  I  cried  out 
her  name  she  pointed  upward,  and  with  a  smile 
seemed  to  fade  away.  I  sat  up  a  long  time,  hoping 

17 


258  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

the  vision  would  come  again,  but  it  did  not.  I  had 
no  fear.  I  fell  asleep  after  a  time,  and  had  the  best 
sleep  I  had  had  since  she  died.  Next  day  I  told 
Christina.  She  was  not  in  the  least  surprised.  They 
believe  in  the  second  sight  in  Glen  Isla,  and  she 
says  there  are  some  to  whom  the  spirits  appear 
with  a  message.  We  talked  a  good  deal  that  day 
about  what  I  should  do  with  my  life,  and  we 
agreed  that  perhaps  if  Mr.  Yuill  could  spare  her, 
we  might  go  together  abroad  to  Florence  or  to 
Rome  for  the  winter.  That  night  Hester  came 
again.  She  stayed  longer,  and  she  spoke  just  once 
in  her  own  quiet  voice,  so  naturally,  as  if  she  were 
in  the  flesh. 

"All  she  said  was,  'Go  back  to  Gilbert;  he  needs 
you;  go  now." 

Jane  stopped  there  and  looked  at  me  strangely  and 
keenly. 

"I  can't  believe  it,  Jane,"  I  stammered.  "If  such 
things  were  possible,  surely  she  would  have  appeared 
to  me." 

"Perhaps  she  may  come  one  day;  you  see,  I  have 
never  been  detached  from  her  in  spirit.  Since  the 
moment  we  first  met,  our  hearts  clave  to  one  another, 
and  we  have  never  had  the  slightest  misunderstand- 
ing. Anyhow,  I  am  here.  Shall  I  stay?  Have  you 
made  any  plans?  Can  I  be  of  any  use?" 

"I  have  no  plans.  I  never  shall  have  any,"  I 
answered  recklessly.  "You  can  stay  if  you  like, 
but  I  have  nothing  to  offer  you  in  the  way  of  a 
home,  except  these  walls.  I  can  promise  nothing, 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  259 

for  I  don't   know  what  a  day  will   bring  forth." 
"I  shall  stay.     We  shall  learn  from  day  to  day 
how  to  go,"  she  said  simply.     "There  are  only  you 
and  I  left,  Gilbert,  and  she  loved  us  both." 

I  was  unable  to  answer  her,  for  again  it  was  as  if 
something  snapped  in  me.  I  fled  from  her  presence 
and  shut  myself  up  once  more  to  ponder  on  the 
strange  message  my  sister  had  brought.  Never  was 
there  a  saner,  more  practical,  less  morbid  person  in 
the  world  than  Jane,  and  that  she  absolutely  believed 
what  had  happened  in  the  old  white  house  of  Brean 
was  evident.  It  had  wrought  such  a  change  in  her 
front  toward  me  that  she  had  come  of  her  own  free 
will  to  offer  me  her  help  and  sisterly  comradeship. 
Of  herself  she  could  not  have  done  it,  for  her  whole 
being  had  risen  in  conflict  and  rebellion  against  me, 
and  she  had  not  wished  to  see  my  face  again.  To 
find  some  relief  from  the  whirl  of  my  thoughts,  I 
turned  once  more  to  the  leaves  of  the  journal,  and 
was  presently  so  completely  absorbed  that  I  forgot 
my  sister  was  in  the  house. 

It  began  again  under  the  date  loth  December. 

"Something  new  and  delightful  has  happened  to 
me.  I  have  made  a  friend.  It  is  such  a  rare  thing 
in  this  world,  that  it  is  worth  setting  down.  For  two 
Sundays  we  had  attended  St.  Luke's  Church,  and  we 
both  liked  the  service  and  the  preaching  of  the  rector, 
Mr.  Jermyn.  I  had  already  heard  from  various 
sources,  but  more  especially  from  my  little  woman  in 
the  newspaper  shop  on  the  Parade,  how  much  they 


26o  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

are  beloved  in  Finchley,  and  what  good  they  do. 
To-day  they  came  to  call  on  us.  They  are  quite 
lovely  people,  the  sort  you  know  at  once  and  with 
whom  you  feel  at  home.  Mrs.  Jermyn  is  a  soldier's 
daughter,  like  me,  and  was  born  in  India  too.  I 
suppose  that  made  a  sort  of  bond  to  begin  with.  I 
think  Gilbert  liked  them,  but  sometimes  I  wonder 
whether  he  is  really  shy  at  bottom.  Certainly  he  did 
not  show  up  at  his  best,  and  I  wanted  him  to  so  very 
much.  When  one  is  very  proud  of  one's  husband, 
and  thinks  the  world  of  him,  of  course  she  wants  that 
opinion  both  confirmed  and  shared.  It  has  been  such 
a  misfortune  for  Gilbert  to  have  had  no  church  life  at 
his  own  home.  Nothing  can  ever  quite  make  up  for 
that.  He  talks  of  the  church-going  habit  as  he  might 
talk  of  the  golf  habit  or  the  walking  habit,  just  a 
thing  one  takes  up  or  not  as  it  happens.  This  strikes 
me  as  very  strange  and  rather  awful.  Yet  I  don't  say 
anything.  Why  is  it,  I  wonder,  that  we  babble  so 
incessantly  about  things  that  are  of  little  account  in 
comparison,  and  keep  silent  altogether  about  what 
really  matters?  People  are  so  busy  living  here,  they 
have  no  time  to  think  or  speak  of  the  life  that  is 
beyond.  It  has  as  yet  no  place  at  all,  so  far  as  I  can 
see,  in  Gilbert's  thoughts.  But  to  me  it  is  all  quite 
real  and  precious.  I  wonder  whether  he  will  care 
after  a  while,  and  be  interested,  or  whether  I  shall 
come  round  to  his  way  of  thinking,  and  go  with  him 
perhaps  to  the  golf  course  on  Sunday  morning, 
instead  of  to  church? 

"We  have  also  got  to  know  some  delightful  Scotch 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  261 

people  who  live  in  Totteridge  Lane.  Their  name  is 
Yuill,  a  brother  and  sister,  middle-aged,  well-to-do, 
altogether  delightful.  Mr.  Yuill  is  a  jute  merchant, 
but  is  also  on  the  Stock  Exchange,  where  Gilbert  says 
he  has  been  very  successful.  I  am  so  glad  that 
Gilbert  likes  them.  He  plays  golf  with  Mr.  Yuill,  but 
it  makes  him  very  despondent  because  the  Scotchman 
is  so  much  better  at  the  game.  The  brother  and 
sister  are  very  happy  together,  and  there  is  a  sort  of 
dry  humor  between  them  which  often  makes  us 
laugh.  When  he  wants  to  tease  her  very  much  he 
calls  her  Teen,  but  her  real  name  is  Christina,  and 
she  is  really  very  dignified.  But  she  has  the  kindest 
heart,  and  there  isn't  anything  about  housekeeping 
she  does  not  know.  She  tells  me  all  sorts  of  out-of- 
the-way  bits  of  household  lore.  I  write  them  down 
in  a  book,  and  will  try  to  teach  Babette. 

"Every  country  has  its  own  way  in  domestic 
affairs,  and  from  each  one  can  learn  something. 
Miss  Yuill  speaks  about  foreign  housekeeping  as  a 
'clanjamphry.'  I  hate  asked  her  to  spell  it  for  me, 
and  to  explain  it.  She  laughed  very  much,  and  said 
it  meant  'mixter-maxter,'  which  did  not  enlighten 
me  in  the  least.  Then  Andrew  laughed  very  much, 
and  told  her  to  leave  off  tormenting  the  bairn.  From 
that  it  is  easy  to  see  how  intimate  we  have  become 
quickly.  I  had  always  heard  that  Scotch  people  are 
difficult  to  know,  and  that  they  stick  out  all  round 
like  their  own  thistles,  and  jag  every  time  you  pass 
them.  It  isn't  true — not  a  single  word  of  it.  And 
they  are  full  of  the  most  delightful  dry  kind  of  humor. 


262  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

Mr.  Yuill  says  that  the  Scotch  are  not  only  the  most 
humorous  nation  in  the  world,  but  the  only  one.  I 
am  so  glad  we  know  them.  Life  gets  more  interesting 
every  day. 

"I  have  pledged  myself  to  write  down  all  the 
happenings  of  my  life,  big  and  small,  pleasant  and 
unpleasant,  but  hitherto  I  have  had  nothing  but 
pleasant  things  to  record.  To-day  I  have  some- 
thing different  to  set  down,  and  I  have  put  it  off 
longer  than  I  ought.  It  is  five  days  since  I  wrote 
anything  here.  We  have  had  a  visit  from  Maud 
Lacy.  She  arrived  one  afternoon  without  sending 
any  notice,  and  of  course  I  imagined  that  she  had 
only  come  to  call.  I  was  alone  in  the  house,  and 
directly  I  saw  her  at  the  door  I  had  the  odd  feeling 
that  the  house  did  not  belong  to  me.  I  felt  flurried 
in  spirit,  and  it  was  quite  a  few  minutes  before  I 
could  compose  myself  to  give  her  a  welcome.  Of 
course  this  was  very  foolish,  and  there  was  not  the 
shadow  of  an  excuse  for  it.  I  scolded  myself  well 
for  it,  and  tried  to  be  as  friendly  and  natural  as 
possible.  She  kissed  me  on  both  cheeks.  I  hated 
it  mortally,  and  I'm  afraid  I  must  have  shown  it, 
though  I  tried  not  to.  Then  she  began  to  talk 
immediately  about  our  honeymoon,  asked  how  I 
had  enjoyed  it,  and  how  I  liked  Gilbert  as  a  travelling 
companion. 

'"You  must  not  be  jealous,  Mrs.  Gib,'  she  said 
with  rather  a  loud  laugh,  which  showed  her  dazzling 
white  teeth.  'You  see,  he  and  I  have  been  pals  so 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  263 

long,  ever  since  we  wore  pinafores,  that  I  can't 
relinquish  him  all  at  once.  A  ripping  good  sort  is 
Gib,  only  you  mustn't  spoil  him.  He  likes  his  own 
way — always  did.  Occasionally  I  used  to  put  on  the 
brake,  and  it  was  good  for  him.  Don't  be  above 
taking  a  bit  of  advice  from  an  old  campaigner.  I  've 
had  a  lot  of  beaux  in  my  time,  and  when  you  know 
how  to  manipulate  one,  you  have  'em  all.' 

' '  I  did  not  know  what  to  say  to  this  strange  medley 
of  speech.  I  thought  it  atrocious  taste,  of  course, 
and  most  impertinent  as  well,  to  talk  so  to  any 
woman  about  her  husband.  Then  I  tried  to  laugh 
and  to  assure  myself  that  it  was  merely  the  Lacy 
point  of  view.  I  had  carried  away  with  me  from  my 
memorable  visit  to  Helston  a  sense  of  their  lack  of 
reticence.  Nobody  was  permitted  sanctuary  in 
their  house ;  everything,  even  one's  innermost  feelings, 
seemed  to  be  common  property.  It  was  like  living 
in  a  Commune,  and  having  all  the  barricades  torn 
down  and  trampled  on.  But  I  felt  myself  shrink, 
and  I  am  quite  sure  my  expression  must  have  been  a 
little  hostile.  I  rang  the  bank  bell  for  Gilbert  to 
come  up;  Babette  had  gone  out  for  the  day,  and  it 
was  my  birthday,  and  we  were  going  into  London  to 
dine,  and  go  to  some  place  of  entertainment  as  a 
birthday  treat  for  me.  I  had  been  occupied  all  the 
afternoon  in  putting  a  white  yoke  in  my  evening 
frock,  and  I  had  a  very  smart  hat.  I  like  so  much  the 
foreign  fashion  of  high  frocks  and  pretty  hats  for 
restaurant  wear.  I  don't  think  decollete  is  right  in 
public  places.  When  I  heard  Gilbert  coming  up 


264  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

the  stairs  whistling,  I  got  up  quite  suddenly  and  ran 
away  to  the  kitchen,  saying  I  must  see  about  tea. 
It  was  quite  cowardly,  but  somehow  I  could  not 
bear  the  idea  of  seeing  them  meet.  It  was  the  most 
uncomfortable,  desperate  feeling  I  had  ever  had. 
Translated,  it  just  meant  that  I  did  not  want  Maud 
Lacy  to  be  in  our  house.  I  could  have  shown  her 
out  quite  inhospitably  and  without  a  pang.  I  shut 
the  kitchen  door,  and  began  to  cut  bread  and  butter 
with  great  haste,  and  even  began  to  hum  a  little  air 
so  that  I  might  not  hear  their  voices.  After  a  little 
time  Gilbert  came  to  me  and  was  very  sweet.  But 
when  he  told  me  that  we  should  have  to  take  Miss 
Lacy  with  us  to  London,  and  that  she  wanted  to  stop 
all  night,  I  could  have  cried.  Gilbert  saw,  of 
course,  how  much  I  minded,  and  tried  to  comfort 
me.  But  at  the  same  time  I  saw  that  he  was 
determined  that  she  should  carry  out  her  program. 
He  said  he  owed  it  to  her  to  show  her  every  possible 
attention,  because  of  all  the  kindness  he  had  received 
at  their  house. 

' ' '  Very  well, '  I  said.  '  Of  course,  I  will  do  my  best. ' 
"And  I  honestly  did;  but  it  cost  me  a  tremendous 
lot.  My  day  that  was  going  to  be  so  happy  was 
completely  spoiled.  The  effect  she  had  on  me  was  to 
make  me  feel  as  if  my  house,  my  husband,  and 
everything  I  possessed  belonged  to  her,  and  I  was 
a  mere  intruder,  or  chance  occupant  of  the  place. 

"All  at  once  another  side  of  me  I  had  not  dreamed 
existed  seemed  to  leap  up  to  torture  and  defy  me.  I 
had  no  loving-kindness  or  charity  or  anything  in  my 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  265 

heart,  only  a  most  unreasoning  dislike  against  Maud 
Lacy. 

"Nobody  will  ever  know  what  I  suffered  that 
evening,  nor  how  I  felt  when  we  had  to  come  back 
with  her  to  our  house.  She  wanted  to  sit  up  talking 
to  Gilbert  about  old  times,  and  though  I  hated  her 
mortally  for  it,  I  just  left  her  and  went  away  to  bed. 
But  I  could  not  sleep.  I  cried  out  to  God  to  forgive 
me  for  all  the  hard,  wicked  thoughts  I  had  been 
cherishing,  and  to  help  me  to  be  more  charitable  and 
kind.  It  was  all  no  good.  I  was  just  wretched,  and 
when  Gilbert  came  I  could  hardly  keep  back  my  tears. 
I  don't  think  he  was  very  happy  either.  Something 
had  crept  in  between  us,  a  sort  of  deadly  chill.  I 
wanted  to  lock  our  door,  and  Gilbert  did.  Our 
privacy  was  destroyed.  We  felt  almost  as  if  we  had 
no  right  to  be  together. 

"It  took  me  several  days  to  recover  from  Maud 
Lacy's  visit,  and  somehow  we  did  not  talk  about  it 
at  all  after  she  had  gone  away.  But  I  don't  forget 
about  her;  she  disturbs  me  far  more  than  anybody 
imagines.  I  wonder  why?  How  terrible  if  I  were  to 
degenerate  into  a  jealous  woman!  Could  anything 
be  more  degrading  and  appalling?  I  should  never 
respect  myself  any  more.  We  are  very  poor  creatures 
after  all,  so  much  the  sport  of  circumstance.  And, 
above  all,  we  never  can  be  certain  how  we  will 
comport  ourselves  in  any  given  place.  I  must  get 
more  things  to  fill  up  my  life.  My  house  is  not 
enough  for  me  or  for  any  woman.  The  groove  is  too 


266  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

narrow;  it  tends  to  morbidity  and  introspection.  It 
is  absolutely  necessary  for  the  soul's  welfare  that  one 
should  touch  life  at  many  varying  points. 

"I  have  had  a  long  talk  with  Mrs.  Jermyn,  a 
delightful  talk,  and  am  greatly  helped.  I  did  not,  of 
course,  tell  her  anything  about  my  private  life,  but 
she  understands  that  I  want  to  have  something  to  do 
beyond  taking  care  of  my  house;  Babette  is  so 
efficient,  and,  all  our  things  being  new,  and  our 
menage  so  small,  I  could  not  possibly  fill  up  all  my 
time  with  it.  She  has  given  me  a  small  district  to 
visit,  and  has  also  asked  me  to  help  her  with  the 
Women's  Meeting  she  holds  in  the  parish  room 
every  Monday.  I  have  never  met  anybody  quite  like 
her.  She  has  lost  three  children,  one  a  splendid  boy, 
almost  ready  for  college,  and  she  has  only  one  left, 
a  little  daughter,  not  strong.  Yet  she  does  not 
grumble  or  even  question  God's  dealing  with  her. 
She  just  accepts  it,  and  goes  on  adding  to  the  sum 
of  her  work  for  others.  It  makes  me  feel  awed  and 
ashamed,  and  I  realize  that  I  have  a  trifling  soul  that 
cannot  see  beyond  its  own  borders.  I  am  sure  I 
never  should  be  able  to  give  up  precious  things  in  a 
spirit  like  that.  I  should  rebel  and  fight,  and  get 
bitter  and  cruel.  I  feel  all  these  potentialities  within 
me  already.  I  suppose  it  means  that  I  am  beginning 
to  live.  Where  the  groove  is  very  narrow  there 
cannot,  of  course,  be  so  much  to  fret  the  spirit,  which 
then  becomes  trammelled.  I  don't  want  a  tram- 
melled spirit.  Lord  deliver  me  from  it !  I  want  it  to 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  267 

be  wide  and  free,  and  full  of  love  and  light.  I  shall 
try  to  be  more  like  Mrs.  Jermyn.  I  have  never  seen 
anything  more  perfect  than  these  two,  the  rector 
and  his  wife;  theirs  is  an  idyll  of  married  life.  Yet 
there  is  nothing  namby-pamby  about  them ;  each  has 
a  virile  personality,  and  on  some  points  they  agree  to 
differ.  But  their  union  is  perfect  and  complete. 
It  is  a  union  of  the  spirit,  such  as  I  have  often 
dreamed  about.  They  have  one  purpose,  the  ad- 
vancement of  Christ's  kingdom  on  earth.  These 
words  will  strike  unreal,  perhaps,  and  conjure  up  a 
picture  of  goody-goody  people  with  long  faces, 
wholly  given  up  to  church  service  and  work,  and  with 
no  time  for  anything  else.  The  reality  is  so  different. 
They  are  the  happiest  people  I  have  ever  met,  they 
laugh  a  great  deal,  and  every  little  bit  of  comedy 
appeals  to  them ;  their  home  is  the  most  joyous  place 
I  have  ever  been  in.  It  is  what  I  should  like  mine 
to  be.  I  wish  I  understood  my  husband's  work 
better,  and  could  share  it.  When  he  goes  down  to 
the  bank  and  the  door  is  shut,  I  feel  that  I  have  lost 
him,  and  that  for  the  time  being  he  has  put  me  quite 
out  of  his  life.  It  cannot  be  otherwise,  of  course, 
because  he  is  engaged  in  purely  commercial  under- 
takings, in  which  a  woman  can't  be  of  the  slightest 
use  to  him.  Sometimes  men  come  in  of  an  evening, 
Gilbert's  friends,  that  he  has  met  on  the  golf  course 
or  in  business,  and  when  I  listen  to  them  I  wonder 
whether  it  is  really  as  they  say  out  in  the  world, 
every  man's  hand  against  another's,  and  all  straining 
to  get  there  first.  When  one  tries  to  follow  them, 


268  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

a  sort  of  sadness  seems  to  settle  on  the  spirit. 
According  to  them,  hardly  -anybody  is  honest  or 
sincere  in  business;  each  one  has  some  axe  to  grind, 
some  personal  aim  to  serve.  And  he  will  serve  it 
at  whatever  cost  to  others.  When  I  asked  Gilbert 
one  day  whether  that  was  not  a  very  low  standard, 
he  laughed  very  much. 

'"Not  at  all,  my  dear,'  he  said,  and  patted  my 
cheek  as  if  I  were  a  small  child  asking  questions 
which  the  grown-up  intellect  hardly  thought  it 
worth  while  to  answer.  'That's  business,  and  I 
don't  want  you  to  worry  your  dear  little  head  about 
it.  A  woman  should  be  like  a  flower  blooming  for 
beauty  and  fragrance.  Leave  the  sordid  fight  to 
those  whose  backs  are  made  for  the  burden.' 

"But  no  sane  woman  can  be  like  that.  If  she  has 
any  brain  or  personality  of  her  own,  she  must  be 
interested  in  every  problem.  It  is  all  rather  puzzling, 
and  I  had  no  idea  life  could  be  so  complicated  and 
so  difficult.  I  wish  that  Gilbert  were  more  interested 
in  the  things  that  interest  me.  He  likes  the  Jermyns 
quite  well,  but  I  can  see  that  he  is  not  quite  at  home 
with  them.  He  says  that  because  Mrs.  Jermyn  is 
an  Honorable  she  puts  on  side ;  I  have  never  seen  it, 
and  I  don't  quite  know  what  it  means.  But  Gilbert 
is  not  comfortable  in  their  company,  and  one  night 
they  asked  us  to  dine  and  meet  some  of  St.  Luke's 
people,  he  seemed  awkward  and  silent.  The  Yuills 
were  there,  happily,  so  that  he  did  not  feel  quite 
stranded.  I  played  and  sang  for  them,  and  every- 
body was  quite  kind  about  it.  I  believe  I  sang  well, 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  269 

for  I  was  feeling  happy  and  at  home.  When  we  left 
the  Rectory,  Gilbert  began  to  chaff  me  at  once 
rather  unmercifully. 

' ' '  You  had  all  your  goods  in  the  front  window  to- 
night with  a  vengeance,  little  woman.  How  is  it 
you  don't  trot  'em  out  for  yours  truly,  eh?  I  could 
do  with  a  bit  of  music  now  and  again.' 

"'Oh,  Gilbert,  I  thought  it  bored  you.  When  I 
play  Mendelssohn  or  Beethoven  you  invariably  go  to 
sleep.' 

"'Well,  isn't  that  what  music's  for,  to  soothe  the 
savage  breast?'  he  said  gaily.  'I'm  mighty  glad 
that  show's  over,  anyhow,  and  I  hope  they  won't  ask 
us  back  in  a  hurry.' 

"I  felt  disappointed  at  these  words,  but,  as  is  so 
often  the  case  with  me  when  I  feel  a  thing  rather 
keenly,  I  left  off  talking  about  it  at  once.  After  we 
got  in  the  house  I  felt  rather  faint,  and  Gilbert 
insisted  that  I  should  have  some  champagne.  He  is 
so  funny  about  champagne;  he  seems  to  regard  it 
as  a  cure  for  everything.  And  he  fussed  over  me 
such  a  lot,  asking  whether  I  had  a  pain  at  my  heart, 
or  what  it  was  that  made  me  go  off  as  I  had  done 
several  times  lately,  that  at  last  I  just  took  his  dear 
old  head  in  both  my  hands  and  whispered  something 
in  his  ear. 

"I  can't  write  down  what  he  said.  It  took  me 
right  back  to  that  wonderful  day  at  Terveuren,  when 
I  knew  he  loved  me,  and  that  I  loved  him. 

' '  He  looked  so  noble  and  so  good,  and  all  that  was 
best  in  his  fine  manhood  was  written  on  his  face. 


2 ;o  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

Oh,  I  am  sure  Gilbert  will  make  a  splendid  father, 
and  God  has  been  very,  very  good  to  me.  I  shall 
never  have  any  hunger  of  the  heart  again.  When  I 
lay  down  in  my  bed,  I  asked  God  to  remember  all  the 
women  who  loved  little  children,  and  wanted  to 
mother  them. 

"In  the  middle  of  my  prayer  Gilbert  came  in  and 
knelt  down  too. 

"And  that  was  the  very  happiest  night  of  our 
marriage.  I  ask  to  be  made  worthier  of  it  all.  My 
heart  is  too  full  to  write  more." 


CHAPTER  XVII 

"It  seems  a  long,  long  time  since  I  last  wrote  here. 
The  actual  time  is  fifteen  weeks.  I  have  been  right 
down  in  the  valley  of  the  shadow,  and  all  our  hopes 
are  gone.  My  little  baby,  for  whom  we  had  prepared 
the  nest,  did  not  so  much  as  open  his  eyes  on  it.  I 
was  too  ill  to  know  what  had  happened ;  and  I  did  not 
even  see  him  before  they  took  him  away.  Gilbert 
has  told  me  he  was  a  beautiful  baby,  and  I  can  see 
that  his  disappointment  is  keen.  Poor  father,  to  be 
bereft  of  his  first-born  at  the  very  moment  of 
expectant  joy !  He  has  been  very  good  about  it ;  all 
his  concern  is  for  me.  Sorrow  is  a  wonderful  thing; 
its  ministry  to  the  human  heart  is  like  no  other  on 
earth.  We  both  try  to  hide  from  one  another  how 
much  we  feel,  and  to  forget  self  even  for  a  little  while 
must  be  good. 

"But  do  we  ever  really  forget  the  insistent  self 
which  torments  us,  which  makes  such  large  demands 
on  all  our  resources,  which  is  so  loath  to  forego  its 
imagined  rights? 

' '  I  look  now  with  different  eyes  on  the  babies  I  see 
everywhere  in  the  arms  of  their  mothers,  and  with 
their  nurses  in  the  perambulators  on  the  Parade. 
Some  of  them  are  lovely  as  a  dream.  In  the  suburbs, 

271 


272  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

where  they  are  so  busy  making  everything,  the 
babies  are  wonderful.  They  seem  to  have  the 
freshness  of  new  places,  full  of  hope,  on  their  faces. 
I  can  hardly  look  at  them  now  without  a  pang.  I 
tell  Gilbert  when  I  see  him  despondent  that  God  will 
give  us  other  children,  and  that  we  shall  always  keep 
a  place  for  our  first-born  who  has  gone  to  make 
Heaven  real  for  us.  When  I  talk  like  that,  he  rises 
up  invariably  and  walks  away.  It  is  not  the  nature 
of  men  to  endure  patiently.  They  always  want  to 
be  taking  the  active  part,  and  when  some  force 
stronger  than  themselves  ordains  otherwise,  they 
simply  rebel.  I  don't  love  him  the  less  for  it,  and 
I  am  glad  that  he  feels  it  all  so  desperately. 

"I  had  such  kindness  and  care  while  I  was  ill,  such 
a  good  doctor  and  a  kind  nurse,  a  motherly  hearted, 
middle-aged  person,  who  was  always  comforting. 
She  went  with  me  to  Brighton  for  a  few  days ;  I  was 
picking  up  so  slowly  that  they  seemed  to  get  alarmed, 
and  said  I  must  have  a  change. 

"Gilbert  came  down  for  the  week-end  and  walked 
by  my  bath-chair  on  the  front.  It  was  very  windy 
and  boisterous,  but  the  strong  smell  of  the  sea  seemed 
to  get  into  my  veins,  and  I  came  home  nearly  quite 
well.  It  is  just  a  little  hard  beginning  again  where 
I  left  off.  I  thought  it  would  all  be  so  different.  I 
have  not  had  the  courage  to  look  at  the  lovely  outfit 
which  I  had  got  ready  with  such  loving  care  for  my 
little  son,  sewing  my  heart  in  with  every  stitch. 
Nurse  had  put  them  all  away,  and  only  Babette 
knows  where  they  are.  Babette  has  been  splendid, 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  273 

and  she  is  so  patient  with  the  young  girl  we  had  got 
in  to  train  so  that  she  might  help  in  the  house  while 
Babette  took  baby  out.  Poor  Babette,  she  had 
got  Mimi  to  buy  her  a  very  smart  bonne's  cap  from 
the  Avenue  Louise  in  Brussels,  so  that  she  might 
strike  awe  into  the  nursemaids  on  the  Parade  when 
she  walked  out  with  her  charge.  That,  too,  is 
locked  away.  But,  please  God,  it  will  see  the  light 
yet.  Gilbert  says  I  am  to  keep  the  young  maid, 
and,  indeed,  I  am  glad,  for  I  don't  feel  strong  yet, 
and  all  the  things  I  used  to  do  so  easily  seem  to  tire 
me.  Life  is  a  little  more  serious  than  it  was,  that  is 
all,  but  I  think  not  less  happy. 

"I  cannot  help  thinking  this  has  all  done  Gilbert 
good,  and  made  him  more  of  a  man,  but,  oh !  I  wish, 
I  wish  our  little  son  was  in  his  arms  and  on  my  heart ! 
There  he  will  always  be  nestling  in  his  own  place, 
which  no  other  child  will  ever  take  from  him.  God 
knows,  I  am  sure,  what  mothers  feel  when  they  are 
left  as  I  am.  He  has  the  Mother-heart  Himself.  He 
understands  all  its  yearning  and  pain.  I  leave  all 
with  Him.  I  see  now  quite  well  that  it  is  the  only 
way  to  live  sanely  and  well.  More  and  more  I 
realize  that  we  are  not  our  own.  We  are  bought 
with  a  price. 

1 '  Gilbert  has  been  much  saddened  by  the  death  of 
his  old  friend  Mrs.  Lacy  at  Helston.  It  happened 
the  very  day  baby  was  born,  but  I  did  not  hear  of  it 
for  a  month  afterwards.  He  cared  very  much  for  her, 
and  will  always  mourn  her.  He  tells  me  it  is  most 
is 


274  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

pitiful  the  change  her  death  has  made  in  that  house, 
It  is  just  as  if  the  strong  hand  that  kept  it  together, 
having  snapped,  there  is  a  kind  of  chaos.  He  does 
not  think  Mr.  Lacy  will  long  survive  her.  It  is 
beautiful,  I  think,  to  see  such  devotion,  but  there  are 
the  children.  Surely  if  one  has  five  or  six  children 
there  is  something  left  to  comfort  one.  Gilbert 
says  it  makes  no  difference  to  Mr.  Lacy.  I  should 
like  to  go  down  and  see  him;  at  least  I  can  write  to 
him.  Carrie  is  to  take  her  mother's  place.  Why 
not  Maud,  I  wonder?  One  would  have  thought  a 
sorrow  like  this  would  have  brought  out  all  that  is 
best  in  her.  I  had  a  great  many  calls  while  I  was 
ill,  many  from  people  I  have  never  seen.  Gilbert 
was  quite  astonished  one  night  when  we  went  over 
the  cards  together. 

'"I  had  no  idea  that  you  were  a  person  of  such 
importance,  little  woman,'  he  said.  Then  I  laughed 
and  assured  him  that  probably  more  than  the  half  of 
them  called  on  his  account.  He  has  become  such  an 
important  person  in  Finchley,  and  the  business  of  the 
bank  is  increasing  enormously.  Often  he  says  the 
directors  will  have  to  reward  him  by  giving  him 
another  and  more  important  post;  but  I  don't  want 
to  leave  Finchley.  I  suppose  a  woman  is  like  that; 
her  heart  clings  to  the  place  where  she  has  found  her 
first  happiness.  It  would  give  me  a  positive  pang 
to  leave  this  house.  Every  nook  and  cranny  of  it  is 
woven  in  with  the  fibre  of  my  innermost  being.  I 
have  had  so  many  experiences  here,  and  have  learned 
the  meaning  of  life.  A  man,  of  course,  likes  and 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  275 

desires  recognition  of  his  personal  success,  but  I 
think  Gilbert  has  had  a  good  deal  already,  and  that 
he  should  be  content  for  a  while  yet  with  his  position 
here.  Sometimes  he  talks  so  ambitiously  about  the 
future  when  we  shall  be  quite  rich  that  I  feel  a  little 
anxious.  I  am  sure  that  I  should  not  like  the  kind  of 
life  he  pictures  for  me.  Quiet  ways,  a  comfortable 
home,  a  few  kind  and  tried  friends,  would  content 
me  to  the  end  of  my  life.  But  as  it  is  a  wife's  duty 
to  be  a  helpmeet  to  her  husband,  I  must  not  throw 
cold  water  on  his  ambitions.  But  I  can't  help 
hoping  that  it  will  be  a  good  while  before  they  are 
realized  in  the  particular  way  he  desires. 

"So  far  as  my  observation  serves  me,  I  don't  think 
ambitious  people  can  ever  be  very  happy.  The 
attainment  of  one  object  simply  opens  up  the  way 
for  another,  even  more  inaccessible.  There  is  no 
end  to  it.  Shakespeare  was  wise  when  he  said, 
'Shun  ambition;  by  that  sin  fell  the  angels.' 

"The  Yuills  have  been  very  successful,  but  they 
don't  seek  to  soar  to  farther  heights.  They  have  a 
beautiful  old  house,  but  quite  simple,  and  their  only 
extravagance  is  their  carriage.  I  have  been  quite 
glad  lately  that  they  are  extravagant  in  that  direc- 
tion, or  I  should  not  have  had  so  many  lovely  drives. 
Directly  I  was  able  to  go  out  Miss  Yuill  came  to  take 
me  out,  and  together  we  have  explored  all  the 
northern  heights.  It  is  as  if  quite  suddenly  the 
whole  world  had  discovered  them,  and  so  many  of 
the  beautiful  fields  and  woods  are  being  sacrificed  to 


276  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

make  room  for  the  houses  people  want  to  live  in. 
The  'boom,'  as  they  call  it,  is  extraordinary.  One 
feels  thankful  that  they  cannot  touch  the  Heath, 
though  I  seem  to  see  a  vision  of  it  hemmed  round 
with  houses  like  a  wall.  The  Yuills  go  to  Scotland 
every  summer;  they  have  an  old  family  house  some- 
where among  the  hills.  Christina  has  asked  me  to 
go  one  day.  Perhaps  I  shall,  but  it  is  always  a 
golfing  holiday  Gilbert  wants,  and  the  sea.  This 
year  he  is  talking  about  Cromer.  The  Lacys  are 
going  there  as  a  family.  I  must  not  cut  him  off  from 
his  old  friends  in  their  sorrow.  He  goes  down 
occasionally  on  Saturday  afternoon  to  call  on  them, 
and  then,  of  course,  sees  Jane  and  his  father. 

"I  am  getting  to  have  such  a  number  of  friends 
here,  though  Gilbert  says  they  are  not  the  sort  to  be 
of  much  use  to  him.  I  have  taken  a  bigger  district, 
and  now  I  go  every  Monday  to  the  Women's  Meet- 
ing. Twice  when  Mrs.  Jermyn  has  not  been  able  to 
attend,  I  have  had  to  take  it  myself.  I  was  terrified 
at  first,  but  it  is  quite  easy  to  speak  to  the  women 
when  you  know  them.  It  is  no  preaching  they  need, 
but  just  sympathy.  Since  my  illness  and  I  have  lost 
my  baby,  I  seem  to  understand  them  better,  and  to 
know  the  meaning  of  the  pathetic  look  so  many  of 
their  faces  have.  They  talk  much  more  freely  to  me 
too ;  our  common  experience  has  made  a  bond  between 
us.  To-day  I  was  much  surprised  when  Babette 
came  to  say  Mrs.  Growcher  was  waiting  in  the  dining 
room  to  see  me.  Mrs.  Growcher  is  a  person  who  has 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  277 

a  little  laundry  at  the  Cross  Roads,  and  who  goes 
out  to  do  a  day's  washing  and  charing  to  'eke  out' 
as  she  calls  it.  She  has  been  a  member  of  the 
Women's  Meeting  since  its  commencement.  She  is 
a  woman  about  forty-five,  and  hard-working  and 
honest.  She  has  had  a  great  deal  of  trouble,  which 
she  has  met  cheerfully.  She  has  always  been  able 
to  laugh  at  things,  and  the  woman  who  can  laugh 
heartily  and  spontaneously  has  infinite  resources. 

"But  there  was  no  laughter  on  Mrs.  Growcher's 
face  when  I  went  to  her  this  afternoon.  She  is  a 
very  plain  person,  with  a  large,  vacuous  face,  and  her 
bonnet  is  never  by  any  chance  straight.  One  day, 
when  I  was  teasing  her  about  it,  she  said : 

' ' '  God  A  'mighty  never  meant  hus  to  wear  bonnets, 
Miss — I  mean  Ma'm.  If  'E  'ad  meant  hus  to  wear 
'em,  E'd  'ave  mide  our  'eads  different.' 

"She  gave  me  her  queer  little  nod  when  I  en- 
tered, and  immediately  plunged  into  the  business 
in  hand. 

"'I'm  in  trouble,  Ma'm,  along  o'  Bill,  an'  I  wants 
yer  to  tell  me  what  ter  do.' 

'"What  kind  of  trouble?'  I  asked,  making  her 
sit  down  and  at  the  same  time  ringing  the  bell  for 
Babette  to  bring  in  a  cup  of  tea. 

"I  may  say  without  breach  of  confidence  that  Mrs. 
Growcher  was  one  of  the  brands  Mrs.  Jermyn  had 
plucked  from  the  burning.  She  had  found  the  little 
home  in  dire  straits,  and  the  poor  creature,  having 
lost  heart,  had  taken  to  drink.  She  has  nobly  kept 
her  pledge  for  over  five  years  now,  and  has  paid  back 


278  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

every  penny  of  the  money  that  had  been  advanced 
for  her  to  make  a  fresh  start. 

'"Bill's  come  back,  an'  is  a-settin'  in  the  back 
room  now.  Ses  'e  won't  budge.  What  I  want  ter 
know  is:  kin  I  mike  'im  budge?' 

"She  looked  gloomy  and  tragic,  and  certainly 
the  problem  presented  was  a  difficult  one.  Growcher 
was  a  ne'er-do-well  and  a  loafer,  who  had  hardly  ever 
done  an  honest  day's  work  in  his  life.  He  had  taken 
himself  off  when  the  home  was  reduced  to  the  lowest 
ebb,  but  having  heard  probably  that  his  wife  was  now 
in  a  better  way  of  doing  he  had  promptly  returned  to 
the  bosom  of  his  family. 

"'Where  has  he  been  all  this  time?' 

"She  shrugged  her  shoulders. 

""Ast  me  anuwer  one,  Miss.  I  don't  wanter 
know  wheer  'e's  bin;  I  only  wants  him  ter  git. 
Bessie,  she  ses  she  '11  'it  'im  on  the  'ead  if  'e  don't,  and 
she's  a  gel  of  her  word;  but  I  don't  want  no  shindy 
theer.  It's  bad  fer  business.' 

'"Have  you  been  to  the  rector?' 

' ' '  No,  Ma'm,  I  ain't/  she  said  stolidly.  '  I  thought 
as  'ow  p'r'aps  Mister  Trent  mite  'elp  me.  'E  'd  be 
man  ter  man,  dontcher  know,  and  Bill  'e  won't  tike 
no  jaw  from  a  parson.' 

"I  could  not  help  smiling.  This  would  be  an 
entirely  new  role  for  Gilbert,  and  I  felt  sure  he  would 
not  refuse  to  act. 

"In  fancy  I  saw  my  big  husband  standing  up  to 
the  bold  Growcher,  making  him  quail  with  a  flash  of 
his  eye  and  the  long,  determined  curve  of  his  mouth 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  279 

which  I  used  to  be  so  much  afraid  of  at  first,  but 
which  now  has  no  terrors  for  me,  for  it  is  nothing 
but  a  make-believe  to  hide  the  kindest  heart. 

'"I  shall  certainly  ask  him,  but  he  could  not  leave 
business  for  the  purpose.  He  could  get  to  the  Cross 
Roads,  I  dare  say,  about  six  o'clock.  We'll  both 
come.' 

"'Thank  yer,  Ma'm.  It's  all  rite.  I  jes  ses  to 
Bessie,  Mrs.  Trent,  she's  the  one  fer  me  lud.  Six 
o'clock,  then,  to  shift  Bill  from  the  chimbley  corner 
which  he  thinks  is  'isn,  only  it  ain't.  Say,  Ma'm, 
God  A'mighty  must  'ave  some  queer  minnits  a-lookin' 
dahn  on  the  hinsecks  squirmin'  abart  'ere.  I  carn't 
'elp  larfin'  w'en  I  thinks  ov  it.' 

"She  went  downstairs  laughing,  and  out  into  the 
sunshine,  apparently  fully  convinced  that,  having 
shared  her  burden,  it  would  presently  roll  away  as 
it  had  done  before.  When  Gilbert  came  up  to  tea 
half  an  hour  later  than  usual,  he  was  disappointing. 

"'Sorry  I  can't  to-night,  dear.  I've  got  to  go 
to  London  immediately.  Have  an  appointment  at 
half -past  six.' 

"'A  business  appointment?'  I  asked. 

"He  said  yes  and  explained  that  it  was  a  late  one, 
because  the  person  he  had  to  see  had  been  otherwise 
engaged  all  day.  I  was  disappointed,  of  course,  but 
tried  not  to  show  it,  though  somehow  I  felt  a  little 
puzzled  at  this  unusual  proceeding  on  Gilbert's  part. 
I  had  never  known  him  to  make  an  appointment 
before  on  such  short  notice.  As  he  went  out  by  the 
door  he  looked  back  to  say  quite  casually : 


28o  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

'"I  can't  be  home  to  dinner,  of  course.  I  '11  have 
to  dine  the  party  somewhere.  But  I'll  not  be  any 
later  than  I  can  help.' 

"He  did  not  kiss  me  as  usual  when  he  went  away, 
and  I  thought  he  seemed  worried.  After  he  had  gone 
I  dressed  myself  and  went  out  by  the  omnibus  to  the 
Cross  Roads  to  view  the  situation  and  explain  to  Mrs. 
Growcher  how  my  husband  could  not  come.  She  was 
watching  for  us  at  the  yard  gate,  and  her  expression 
was  rather  gloomy. 

'"Ain't  'e  come,  Ma'm?'  she  asked  disappoint- 
edly. 'Well,  will  you  come  in  an'  see  Bill?  'E's  a- 
settin'  theer  yit,  an'  'e's  sent  Judy  to  the  Three  Bells 
fer  beer.  Either  he  gits  out  o'  this  'ouse  ternite,  or 
I  gits.  Theer 's  goin'  to  be  trouble  ef  'e  don't  go 
quiet.' 

"I  perceived  that  Mrs.  Growcher's  slow  temper 
had  in  the  interval  since  I  saw  her  got  worked  up. 
She  was  a  large,  powerful  person,  who,  once  roused, 
could  make  a  very  good  fight.  I  had  never  seen 
Growcher,  but  I  confess  I  shrank  from  the  ordeal  of 
interviewing  him;  but  she  was  so  anxious  that  I 
should,  that  I  suffered  myself  to  be  persuaded.  She 
only  accompanied  me  to  the  cottage  door,  but  left 
me  to  enter  alone.  It  was  one  of  the  very  old 
cottages,  and  had  been  already  condemned  by  the 
authorities,  who  were  so  anxious  to  have  everything 
new  and  up  to  date  on  the  Great  North  Road,  and 
had  small  regard  for  the  ancient  and  picturesque 
landmarks.  They  had  threatened  Mrs.  Growcher 
several  times  with  eviction,  but  as  yet  had  not 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  281 

enforced  it.  Growcher  was  sitting  by  the  table,  a 
small,  ferret-like  creature,  with  a  mean  face  and 
shifty  eyes.  A  big  mug  of  beer  stood  in  front  of 
him,  and  he  was  stuffing  a  fresh  plug  of  tobacco  into 
an  old  and  evil-smelling  pipe.  He  glanced  up  when 
I  stood  in  the  doorway,  and,  after  a  moment's 
contemplation  of  me,  rose  to  his  feet,  a  courtesy  I 
had  certainly  not  expected. 

"'Good  evening,  Mr.  Growcher,'  I  said  quietly. 
'Can  I  come  in  and  talk  to  you  for  a  few  minutes?' 

'"I  don'  mind,'  he  answered  sulkily,  but  not 
aggressively. 

" 'I'm  a  friend  of  your  wife's,'  I  said  bravely,  and 
I  closed  the  door,  partly  to  show  him  I  trusted  him 
completely,  though  in  reality  I  was  more  than  a 
little  afraid. 

'"You  air?'  he  said  inquiringly.  'She's  done 
mighty  well  fer  'ersel',  'as  Sal,  but  she  ain't  givin' 
nuthink  away.' 

"'Certainly  not — why  should  she?  She  works 
very  hard  for  what  she  earns.  I  'm  going  to  ask  you 
something,  Mr.  Growcher.' 

"Ast  away,'  he  said  imperturbably. 
"I'm  going  to  ask  you  to  go  back  quite  a  long 
time.   How  long  is  it  since  you  and  she  were  married  ? ' 

"He  seemed  surprised  at  the  question,  and  began 
to  count  up  the  children's  ages  on  his  ringers. 
"Lemme  see — it's  jes  gone  nineteen  years.' 

'"It  is  n't  too  far  back  to  remember  all  that  hap- 
pened. You  promised  a  good  deal  that  day,  didn't 
you?' 


282  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

" '  I  suppose  I  did — never  gave  it  a  thought.  Theer's 
a  lot  o'  tommy-rot  in  t'  parson's  service,  Ma'm.' 

'"Tommy-rot  or  not,  you  promised  all  these 
things,  to  make  a  home  for  Sally,  and  love  and 
cherish  her — have  you  done  it?' 

"'She  didn't  give  me  no  chanst  wiv  'er  bloomin' 
tongue.  Allus  at  me,  she  was.  I  tell  yer  wot,  Ma'm, 
it 's  them  jawin'  wimmin  thet  's  to  blime  most  o'  the 
time,  and  now  I  ain't  goin'  to  tramp  the  streets  an' 
sleep  out  wen  she's  got  a  plice  like  this.  Is  it  likely? 
No,  it  ain't.' 

' '  I  drew  in  a  chair  and  sat  down  and  began  to  talk 
to  him.  It  would  take  much  too  long  to  set  it  all 
down,  and,  indeed,  I  was  never  more  amazed  than 
at  the  ease  with  which  I  could  talk  to  Mr.  Growcher, 
concerning  his  own  delinquencies  and  all  the  tragedy 
of  his  life.  I  was  not  in  the  least  sure  that  I  had  made 
any  impression,  and  most  certainly  I  took  a  great 
deal  upon  myself.  When  I  got  up  at  last,  I  had 
promised  him  two  things :  to  get  him  work,  and  also 
to  ensure  that  he  had  a  place  in  his  home  the  very 
first  week  he  could  bring  his  wages  to  his  wife.  I 
undertook,  as  he  expressed  it,  to  square  Sally,  and 
marched  him  out  in  front  of  me  as  if  he  had  been  a 
child.  I  haven't  got  over  the  wonder  of  it  yet.  I 
advised  him  not  to  attempt  to  speak  to  his  wife 
before  he  went  away.  'It's  deeds,  not  words,  she 
wants,  Mr.  Growcher.  Bring  her  the  money,  and 
she'll  forgive  the  past.' 

"Mrs.  Growcher,  her  arms  wet  and  foamy  from 
the  washtub,  beheld  the  miracle  of  Growcher  quietly 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  283 

slouching  down  the  road.  When  I  explained  what 
had  happened,  she  looked  at  me  with  the  oddest 
expression. 

'"Well,  I  never!  'Ow  did  yer  manage  it?  'E 
sed  as  'ow  'e  'd  set  theer  till  domesday,  an'  Bessie  she 
sed  she  'd  give  'im  till  eight  o'clock,  but  thet  not  a  bite 
o'  supper  would  e'  'ave  in  this  'ouse.  'Owever  did 
yer  manage  it?' 

"I  told  her  just  a  little,  and  when  I  said  he  was 
going  to  work  to  prove  the  sincerity  of  his  intentions, 
she  merely  remarked,  'Bill  work!  we  don't  think.' 
But  I  could  see  that  my  handling  of  him  had  im- 
pressed her.  I  put  in  a  word  for  him  at  the  same 
time,  for  I  had  been  struck  by  the  fact  that  there  was 
a  spark  of  something  good  in  the  man,  and  I  hoped 
all  things. 

"Leaving  the  seed  to  sink  into  what  was  at  the 
moment  stony  ground,  I  went  home.  I  was  rather 
tired  when  I  got  back,  and  missing  Gilbert  very  much. 
I  wonder  why  I  should  feel  uneasy  because  he  has 
gone  away  to-night.  It  is  very  foolish.  A  man 
must  make  such  engagements;  and  he  has  not  been 
in  the  habit  of  talking  much  about  his  business 
concerns.  I  will  go  early  to  bed. 

"It  is  the  next  day  now.  Gilbert  was  very  late 
coming  home.  It  was  after  midnight.  He  did  not 
talk  to  me  at  all,  and  had  no  interest  in  the  Grow- 
chers.  I  am  afraid  his  interview  was  not  successful. 
I  don't  wonder  that  wives  hate  business.  It  absorbs 
the  best  that  is  in  their  husbands,  and  fills  them  up 


284  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

with  worry.  I  wish  it  was  not  necessary  for  Gilbert 
to  extend  his  borders  as  he  talks  about.  We  could 
live  so  simply  and  happily  on  his  salary;  then  he 
would  have  more  leisure. 

"Gilbert  has  been  at  Helston  a  great  deal  lately. 
Mr.  Lacy  died  rather  suddenly,  and  has  left  my  hus- 
band one  of  the  executors,  along  with  Ned  and  the 
family  doctor.  He  had  made  quite  a  considerable 
fortune  in  Helston,  and  all  the  children  will  be  well 
off.  Gilbert  says  they  will  have  nearly  ten  thousand 
pounds  each.  It  will  make  a  great  difference  to 
them.  I  suppose  Maud  will  now  be  the  head  of  the 
house,  as  Ned  is  married.  He  is  to  have  Hill  Rise, 
and  the  younger  ones  talk  of  going  back  to  live  in 
that  dear  old  house  above  the  shop.  I  must  go  down 
and  see  them  one  day. 

"I  went  to  Helston  yesterday,  and  it  has  all 
interested  me  very  much. 

"I  went  first  to  Hill  Rise,  and  found  them  busy 
packing  up.  That  is,  Carrie  was  busy,  with  a  little 
spasmodic  help  from  Florrie.  Maud  has  already 
gone  away.  When  I  expressed  my  astonishment, 
Carrie  looked  a  little  hard  and  bitter. 

' ' '  Maud  does  not  mean  to  have  much  to  do  with 
us,  Mrs.  Trent.  She  has  always  wished  to  get  out  of 
Helston.' 

'"But  what  will  she  do?  Where  will  she  go? 
She  must  have  a  home  somewhere,'  I  said  blankly, 
for  somehow  the  news  disquieted  me. 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  285 

"'She's  going  to  take  a  flat  in  London,  and  go  in 
seriously  for  the  concert  platform,'  said  Carrie  with  a 
little  quiver  in  her  voice. 

"'But  doesn't  she  care  about  any  of  you  here? 
It  isn't  quite  fair  to  leave  it  all  to  you.' 

"  'She  won't  trouble  about  us;  we  get  in  her  way,' 
said  Carrie  quietly.  'I  don't  understand  Maud, 
Mrs.  Trent.  Mother  never  did.  She  said  heaps  of 
things  to  me  when  she  was  ill,  and  I  know  Maud  was 
the  only  one  she  worried  about  leaving.' 

"The  tears  rose  in  the  child's  eyes,  and  I  saw  that 
her  wound  was  bitter,  and  that  she  deeply  felt  the 
loneliness  and  responsibility  of  her  position.  I  was 
surprised  at  the  bitterness  of  my  own  feelings  toward 
Maud  Lacy. 

"'Never  mind,  dear,  you  do  splendidly,  and  every 
one  loves  you,'  I  said  rather  lamely,  feeling  that  the 
chief  thing  at  the  moment  was  to  comfort  and 
sustain  this  little  burden-bearer  who  had  the  whole 
responsibility  of  a  headless  house  on  her  shoulders. 

"'Dear  Mrs.  Trent,  I'm  a  pig,'  she  said  suddenly 
as  she  dashed  away  her  tears  and  smiled  bravely. 
'Of  course,  I  don't  mind  it  in  the  least,  really,  and 
I  am  only  too  glad  to  be  of  use  to  anybody.  I'm 
happiest  when  I  'm  busy.  And  I  don't  envy  Maud 
in  the  least  little  bit.  I  should  hate  to  be  drifting 
about  the  world  like  that,  and  I  have  not  the  smallest 
ambition  for  a  career.  Things  will  sort  themselves 
out,  I'm  sure.  Don't  look  so  worried  about  me.' 

"A  little  later  I  heard  something  from  Jane  that 
I  thought  explained  Carrie's  momentary  breakdown. 


286  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

It  is  quite  well  known  in  Helston,  Jane  says,  that 
Hubert  Parfitt  is  in  love  with  Carrie,  and  that  he  has 
told  his  people  he  will  never  marry  anybody  else. 
But  in  the  meantime  Carrie  is  tied  hand  and  foot. 
How  selfish  Maud  Lacy  must  be !  But  I  wonder  why 
Gilbert  did  not  tell  me  all  the  news  about  the  Lacys. 
Of  course,  he  must  have  known;  indeed,  Carrie  told 
me  some  of  the  things  he  had  said  about  it. 
"I  think  I  shall  ask  him  when  I  get  home. 

"I  did  ask  him  but  he  would  not  discuss  them. 
He  simply  said: 

" '  Knowing  how  you  loathe  the  whole  Lacy  crowd, 
I  didn't  care  to  bore  you  with  details.' 


CHAPTER  XVIII 

"Just  lately  a  singular  depression  seems  to  have 
settled  on  my  spirit;  I  do  not  know  how  to  express 
it  in  words,  or  to  explain  it,  but  I  am  daily  more 
conscious  of  a  widening  gulf  between  Gilbert  and 
me,  a  strange  and  almost  painful  detachment  of 
spirit.  I  wonder  sometimes  whether  he  notices  it 
too.  We  don't  have  so  many  happy  evenings — it  is 
months  since  we  had  a  long  walk  together  through 
the  lanes  and  across  the  fields.  How  we  used  to 
enjoy  those  walks!  How  full  we  were  of  happy 
interest  in  everything  we  saw!  When  we  came 
across  a  new  house  building  we  loved  to  go  into  it, 
to  inspect  the  plan  of  it,  the  situation  of  the  rooms, 
and  say  to  one  another  what  we  would  do  if  we  had 
such  a  house,  what  alterations  we  would  make  here 
and  there.  And  always  we  were  full  of  sympathy 
for  the  people  who  were  going  to  live  in  it;  we  used 
to  talk  about  them  and  wonder  whether  they  would 
be  as  happy  as  ourselves. 

"I  am  sure  a  great  many  wives  in  their  secret 
hearts  bear  a  grudge  against  the  business  which  robs 
them  of  so  large  a  portion  of  their  husbands'  time  and 
society. 

"When  we  came  to  live  at  Finchley  first,  everything 
was  so  different.  Gilbert  was  always  finished  at  the 

287 


288  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

bank  by  five  o'clock;  then  we  had  long,  delightful 
evenings  together.  There  were  so  many  things  to 
be  fixed  up  indoors — and  he  was  so  clever  with  his 
hands.  I  always  loved  to  see  him  in  his  shirt- 
sleeves with  a  pipe  in  his  mouth  and  a  hammer  in 
his  hand.  After  all  our  furniture  was  placed  and 
the  house  quite  in  order,  he  painted  all  the  white 
treads  of  the  stairs,  while  I  sat  on  the  topmost  step 
with  my  needlework.  As  Babette  went  by  to  lay 
the  table  for  dinner  she  beamed  upon  us  as  if  we  had 
been  two  happy  children. 

' '  It  seems  a  trivial  thing  to  speak  about,  but  to-day 
the  treads  are  being  painted  by  the  house-painter's 
man,  and  Gilbert  has  not  even  noticed  that  they  are 
being  done.  A  little  thing,  but  it  marks  the  differ- 
ence! Gilbert  is  engrossed  with  bigger  things;  he 
has  not  time  now  to  be  interested  in  the  little  affairs 
of  the  house  or  the  pattern  of  the  Madras  muslin  I 
buy  for  my  new  short  curtains.  I  go  down  to  Oxford 
Street  by  myself  and  buy  the  muslin,  and  come  home 
and  make  the  curtains  in  the  evening  when  he  has 
gone  to  London.  Shall  I  set  down  here,  I  wonder, 
what  I  saw  one  day  in  Oxford  Street  when  I  was 
there  alone  ?  I  know  it  will  hurt  me  to  see  it  written 
down,  but  if  a  journal  is  to  be  a  faithful  record  at  all, 
it  must  set  down  both  bitter  and  sweet.  I  was 
standing  at  a  shop  window  just  opposite  Buszard's, 
waiting  for  my  omnibus,  when  quite  suddenly  my 
heart  seemed  to  stand  still.  I  saw  Gilbert  and 
Maud  Lacy  coming  out  together.  They  looked  so 
happy  and  occupied  with  one  another,  and  she  was 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  289 

so  handsomely  dressed  and  stylish,  that  I  suddenly 
became  conscious  of  my  shabby  blue  serge  coat  and 
skirt  and  my  oldest  hat.  It  had  threatened  rain 
when  I  left  Finchley  by  the  twelve  o'clock  bus — and 
though  I  saw  Gilbert  on  my  way  out  of  the  bank,  he 
did  not  say  he  was  going  to  London.  I  felt  so  strange 
and  so  distressed  that,  in  terror  lest  they  should  see 
me,  I  darted  into  the  nearest  shop.  It  happened  to 
be  a  boot-and-shoe  shop,  where  I  could  not  possibly 
want  anything.  But  when  the  polite  shopman  came 
forward,  I  asked  for  a  pair  of  house  slippers.  He 
brought  out  quantities,  and,  I  am  afraid,  found  me 
much  preoccupied.  I  was,  in  fact,  watching  Bus- 
zard's  door,  and  when  I  saw  my  husband  put  Miss 
Lacy  into  a  hansom,  with  great  tenderness  and  care, 
I  thought,  my  heart  seemed  to  die  in  my  breast. 
I  took  the  shoes,  paid  for  them,  and  walked  out  into 
the  open  air,  and  it  was  as  if  a  black  pall  had  fallen 
over  everything.  I  cannot  say  any  more  now.  God 
give  me  strength  to  overcome  all  the  wild  thoughts 
in  my  heart.  If  I  allow  them  to  get  the  mastery, 
all  will  be  over,  I  fear.  I  must  trust  my  husband,  I 
must.  If  I  cannot,  there  is  nothing  left.  He  came 
home  about  an  hour  after  me,  but  did  not  even  then 
say  he  had  been  in  London.  I  tried  to  ask  him  a 
question,  but  could  not.  My  tongue  seemed  to  cleave 
to  the  roof  of  my  mouth.  I  know  what  I  was  afraid 
of,  that  he  would  say  something  which  I  would  know 
to  be  a  lie.  It  is  better  to  know  nothing,  to  trust  and 
hope  on.  May  God  give  me  strength  to  do  so. 


19 


29o  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

"Is  it  my  Gilbert  I  am  writing  of,  I  wonder,  my 
own  man  with  whom  I  have  been  so  happy?  The 
chill  I  felt  the  first  night  Maud  Lacy  was  in  this 
house  has  settled  permanently  on  my  heart.  It 
seems  to  have  brought  in  its  train  a  great  silence.  I 
suppose  I  am  naturally  a  quiet  person;  but  during 
the  first  part  of  my  married  life  I  felt  lighthearted, 
and  was  often  merry.  Gilbert  was  so  happy  him- 
self—  and  full  of  fun  and  teasing  nonsense.  But  all 
that  has  gone.  Mostly  he  is  quiet,  too,  and  will  sit 
moodily  for  an  hour  at  a  time.  He  looks  much 
older,  I  thought,  to-day,  and  there  is  a  peevish  line 
about  his  mouth.  I  imagine  his  eyes  are  restless, 
and  that  he  is  ill  at  ease.  Certainly,  just  lately,  he 
has  become  irritable,  and  has  very  little  patience 
with  me.  One  day  he  said,  as  he  dashed  out  of  the 
room: 

'"It  is  about  as  lively  as  a  funeral  in  this  house. 
Enough  to  give  a  fellow  the  blooming  hump.  Why 
don't  you  get  a  bit  of  life  about  the  place  ? ' 

"I  wonder  where  it  is  that  I  have  failed.  Have  I 
changed  so  very  much  since  the  time  a  few  years  back 
when  everything  I  did  was  perfection  in  his  eyes? 
I  have  tried  so  hard  to  do  all  he  wishes.  Perhaps 
that  is  it  —  I  have  tried  too  hard.  Something 
Christina  Yuill  said  to  me  one  day  comes  back  just 
here.  'You've  got  a  good  husband,  my  dear,  but 
don't  you  set  out  to  spoil  him.  Above  all,  don't  be 
a  door-mat.  I  've  never  had  a  man  myself,  but  from 
what  I  can  see  the  happiest  wives  are  they  that  exact 
their  rights.  They  get  them,  too,  and  make  better 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  291 

husbands  in  the  process.  And  never  you  forget  that 
you  are  better  than  Gilbert  Trent  can  ever  hope  to 
be.  No,  I'm  not  flattering  you;  I'm  only  telling 
you  the  truth  for  your  own  good  and  his.' 

"I  stopped  her  just  there,  feeling  that  it  was  dis- 
loyal to  my  husband  to  listen.  But  her  words 
disturbed  me ;  they  had  some  stings  of  truth  in  them. 
Gilbert  has  entirely  left  off  going  to  church,  and  he 
has  not  been  at  the  Rectory  for  nearly  two  years.  I 
should  not  dream  of  sending  Babette  down  to  the 
bank  for  him  now  when  the  Jermyns  called.  He 
says  he  can't  stand  them.  I  wonder  have  I  done 
wrong  to  keep  on  being  intimate  with  them,  and 
clinging  fast  to  my  church  life.  I  need  it  so  much. 
I  have  such  loneliness  of  spirit  that  if  I  had  not  these 
outside  interests,  especially  my  dear  women  at  the 
Monday  meeting,  I  should  never  be  able  to  go  on. 
All  this  looks  rather  tragic  on  paper,  but  there  is 
not  any  tragedy  that  is  apparent  to  the  eye.  We  go 
on  just  the  same,  carrying  out  the  routine  of  meals, 
Babette  cleans  the  rooms  regularly,  and  we  consult 
about  food,  and  try  new  things,  and  are  outwardly  a 
perfectly  normal  and  well-ordered  household.  But 
there  is  a  difference.  Sometimes  I  want  dreadfully 
to  consult  somebody,  and  have  even  thought  of  going 
down  to  speak  to  Jane  But  then  I  feel  as  if  I  had 
not  the  right,  for  it  would  not  be  entirely  of  myself  I 
should  speak.  I  should  have  to  discuss  Gilbert. 
Whenever  I  feel  tempted,  I  think  of  some  words  in 
Romola  which  I  have  never  forgotten. 

"'She  who  willingly  lifts  the  veil  from  her  married 


292  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

life  transforms  it  from  a  sanctuary  into  a  vulgar 
place.' 

' '  I  will  keep  my  sanctuary  as  long  as  I  can.  God 
forbid  that  it  should  ever  become  a  vulgar  place! 

"I  think  so  much  of  the  difference  our  little  son 
would  have  made  to  us  if  he  had  lived.  Now  he 
would  have  been  about  five  years  old.  My  eyes  are 
blinded  often  when  I  try  to  picture  how  he  would 
have  run  to  meet  his  father  at  the  door  and  been 
lifted  up;  then  I  should  have  crept  to  his  side,  and 
he  would  have  had  an  arm  to  spare  for  me,  and  we 
should  have  been  all  the  world  to  one  another,  just 
we  three!  Oh,  I  wonder  why  God  took  him,  and, 
above  all,  why  He  has  never  sent  me  another  child. 
Married  people  need  to  have  children.  They  make 
the  bond  indissoluble.  I  feel  quite  well,  and  there 
seems  to  be  no  reason  why  I  should  not  have  another 
child.  Once  or  twice  I  have  tried  to  speak  to  Gilbert 
about  it,  but  he  will  not.  It  seems  to  distress  him, 
and  I  know  that  his  disappointment  is  too  keen  to 
let  him  discuss  it. 

'"We  are  all  right  as  we  are,  Kiddie,'  he  said  one 
day.  'Look  how  free  we  are;  we  can  do  just  as  we 
like,  without  considering  anybody.' 

'"But  that  is  just  what  I  don't  want,  to  be  free  like 
that!'  I  very  nearly  cried  out,  'I  want  to  be  in 
these  sweet  bonds.  I  shall  never  be  happy  until  I 
am  a  mother  again.' 

"Sometimes  I  have  thought  of  asking  Dr.  Fletcher, 
but  then  again  I  can't.  It  would  be  easier  to  speak 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  293 

to  a  complete  stranger.  One  day  perhaps  I  shall 
have  the  courage  to  go  to  London  without  saying  a 
word  to  anybody,  even  to  Gilbert,  and  consult  a 
specialist.  Then  my  mind  will  be  set  at  rest.  The 
idea  grows  upon  me.  Perhaps  I  shall  go  to-morrow. 

"I  did  not  say  anything  to  Gilbert  about  it.  So 
often  now  I  don't  say  anything.  For  the  first  two 
years  there  was  nothing  too  trivial  to  talk  about.  I 
would  even  tell  him  if  I  had  found  a  shop  where  the 
butter  was  better,  and  the  eggs  perfectly  fresh.  I 
got  ready  rather  hurriedly  soon  after  ten,  and  went 
in  by  train  so  as  to  save  time,  because  I  wanted  to 
get  back  before  lunch,  so  that  if  necessary  Gilbert 
might  not  know  I  had  gone  to  London.  I  had  the 
address  of  a  doctor  in  Weymouth  Street,  written  on 
one  of  Miss  Yuill's  cards.  She  was  very  ill  once,  and 
went  to  consult  him.  She  said  he  was  splendid,  so 
quiet  and  kind  and  reassuring.  Once  I  thought  last 
night  I  should  run  round  to  Totteridge  Lane  and  ask 
her  to  come  with  me — but  somehow  I  could  not.  It 
seemed  far  too  intimate  and  sacred  to  tell  anybody. 
I  felt  glad  that  it  was  a  rainy  day,  and  as  I  sat  in  the 
train,  and  looked  at  my  fellow  travellers,  I  wondered 
what  was  hidden  inside  of  their  hearts.  Mine  is  so 
full  and  yet  so  empty!  From  King's  Cross  I  took 
a  hansom  to  Weymouth  Street,  and  when  I  got  down 
at  Mr.  Eldridge's  door  (it  was  a  small  green  door 
with  bronze  ornaments)  I  did  not  wait  a  moment 
before  ringing  the  bell.  Immediately  a  man-servant 
admitted  me,  and  I  was  put  in  the  dining  room, 


294  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

where  already  three  women  sat.  It  was  a  long,  low 
room  with  white  walls,  furnished  sparsely.  I  envied 
the  oblong  Chippendale  table  with  its  lovely  polish. 
Gilbert  and  I  have  been  looking  for  just  such  a  one 
for  a  long  time.  Books  and  magazines  were  scattered 
about,  and  the  women  were  engrossed  with  one  each. 
But  they  all  glanced  furtively  at  me.  Two  were 
elderly,  and  the  other,  a  woman  about  my  own  age, 
extremely  pretty  and  very  handsomely  dressed. 
She  seemed  nervous,  I  thought,  and  made  a  good  deal 
of  noise  with  the  bangles  on  her  wrists.  Presently 
the  two  elderly  ladies  went  together  to  the  consulting 
room,  and  we  were  left.  She  cleared  her  throat,  and 
presently  rose  and  tried  to  adjust  her  hat  at  the  queer 
old  convex  mirror  above  the  mantelpiece.  Finally 
she  spoke:  'Would  you  mind  telling  me  whether 
my  hat  is  on  straight?  I  had  quite  a  drive  in  the 
country  this  morning — and  it  was  very  windy.' 

"I  assured  her  that  it  was  quite  straight.  I 
wanted  to  add  that  it  was  very  becoming — a  bewitch- 
ing sort  of  hat,  which,  set  at  an  angle  on  quantities 
of  well-dressed  fair  hair,  made  her  face  even  more 
piquant.  She  looked  the  picture  of  health,  too,  and 
I  longed  to  ask  her  what  she  could  possibly  want 
with  Mr.  Eldridge. 

"  'Don't  you  think  a  fashionable  woman's  doctor 
might  have  a  properly  equipped  boudoir  for  his 
patients?  Why,  any  manicurist  in  Bond  Street 
could  give  this  one  points,'  she  said  presently. 

"I  laughed  a  little  as  I  replied: 

"  'Patients   are    not    supposed  to    be    so    very 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  295 

particular  about  their  appearance,  I  think.  Usually 
they  come  on  more  serious  business. ' 

"She  sat  down  opposite  to  me,  with  the  same  little 
friendly  air  which  was  quite  fascinating. 

"  'Do  you  know  Mr.  Eldridge  well?  Have  you 
ever  been  to  him  before?' 

"I  replied  that  I  had  never  even  seen  him. 

"  'He  has  never  been  known  to  make  a  mistake  in 
diagnosis,'  she  went  on.  'At  least,  so  I  've  been  told 
— but  he  is  a  dreadfully  blunt,  plain-spoken  person. 
I  have  heard  of  him  reducing  women  to  tears  by  his 
rough  manner.  He  shan't  reduce  me — I  promise 
you — though  I  quite  expect  him  to  be  very  angry 
with  me ' 

"I  wanted  very  much  to  ask  her  what  was  the 
matter,  but  did  not — because  she  was  a  complete 
stranger,  and  might  resent  it.  I  only  remarked  that 
she  looked  so  well  she  need  not  be  in  any  fear  of  his 
verdict. 

"  'Oh,  I'm  not  afraid.  I'm  perfectly  well;  but 
I  shan't  be  if  I  go  on  much  longer.  I'm  a  hunting 
woman,  and  I  don't  want  to  have  any  more  children. 
I  've  had  two,  one  a  son,  and  have  done  my  duty  to 
my  husband's  family.  He  knows  I'm  here  to-day.' 

"I  sat  dumb,  and  felt  as  if  I  could  have  screamed 
out. 

"  'You  look  rather  horrified,  but  tell  me,  what  is 
the  use  of  having  an  enormous  family  when  one 
hasn't  enough  money  to  go  round?  It  would  simply 
mean  giving  up  everything.  I  'm  not  built  that  way, 
so  here  I  am.  If  anybody  can  help  me,  it  is  Mr. 


296  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

Eldridge;  he's  the  cleverest  man  in  London.  Only 
he  won't.  Something  tells  me  he  won't.  Have  I 
shocked  you  very  much  ? ' 

"  'It  is  all  so  very  strange,'  I  said  in  a  low  voice. 
'I  haven't  any  children — and  I  would  give  all  I 
have  in  the  world  for  one.' 

"She  laughed  a  little,  but  her  eyes  were  very 
kind.  I  could  see  she  felt  for  me,  and  quite  spon- 
taneously she  put  out  her  hand  and  touched  mine. 
'Let's  hope  the  great  Eldridge  will  give  us  both  our 
heart's  desire,'  she  said  with  a  touch  of  cynicism 
which  her  eyes  wholly  belied.  Just  then  the  man- 
servant came  and  said  Mr.  Eldridge  could  see  Mrs. 
Anson — at  once. 

"She  passed  out  and  we  never  met  again.  Just 
for  that  brief  space  we  had  hailed  one  another  like 
ships  that  pass  in  the  night.  It  was  about  twenty 
minutes  before  the  door  opened  and  I  was  called 
out.  I  felt  so  strange  and  dazed  as  I  passed  over 
the  threshold,  but,  immediately  the  door  closed  upon 
me,  such  a  hush  settled  on  my  spirit  that  I  had  neither 
fear  nor  nervousness.  Mr.  Eldridge's  grave,  kind 
manner,  the  strength  of  his  face,  the  feeling  of  com- 
plete confidence  and  faith,  lifted  me  clean  above 
the  stress  of  the  moment.  I  had  found  a  friend  to 
whom  I  could  open  my  heart. 

"It  is  to-morrow  now — and  I  must  finish  my  story 
of  yesterday.  When  I  went  out  into  the  street  again 
the  sun  was  shining  and  the  sky  was  breaking  into 
heavenly  blue  overhead.  I  felt  dazed  and  strange, 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  297 

and  like  an  unreal  woman  in  an  unreal  world.  Only 
one  thing  stood  out  clear  and  vivid  beyond  all  fear 
of  contradiction.  I  need  not  go  on  hoping.  I  know 
now  that  however  long  or  short  my  life  may  be,  I 
shall  go  a  childless  woman  to  my  grave.  All  that 
I  shall  ever  know  of  motherhood  are  its  pangs  —  for 
I  did  not  so  much  as  see  my  baby's  face  before  they 
took  him  away.  Somewhere  perhaps  God  is  keeping 
him  for  me,  and  will  give  him  back  to  me.  But 
why  is  it?  I  who  love  them  so,  who  would  never 
think  them  a  trouble,  who  could  give  up  everything 
for  them,  and  that  other  woman  who  does  not  want 
them  and  could  have  many!  Where  is  the  justice, 
the  common  sense,  the  sanity  of  it?  Oh,  it  is  not 
right,  it  is  not  right !  And  Gilbert,  this  will  be  such 
a  blow  to  him !  I  shall  never  dare  to  tell  him.  How 
does  a  wife  keep  her  husband  unless  she  has  children  ? 
After  a  time  they  see  another  face,  some  one  perhaps 
they  would  like  better — oh,  again  I  cry  —  what 
chance  has  the  childless  wife?  I  can't  go  home  to 
lunch — I  feel  as  if  I  could  not  see  my  husband  for 
days  and  days.  If  only  I  might  go  down  to  Jane  for 
a  little,  or  back  to  La  Grenade  —  anywhere  so  I  can 
gather  fresh  courage.  I  have  none  to-day;  my  feet 
are  weary,  and  my  hope  is  in  the  dust.  Wherein 
have  I  fallen  short,  dear  God  ?  Why  am  I  not  worthy 
of  the  great  sacrament? 

"It  was  about  four  o'clock  when  I  got  back,  and 
Gilbert  caught  me  on  the  stairs.  He  saw  that 
something  was  the  matter  with  me,  and  with  much 
concern  he  drew  me  into  the  nearest  room.  Then 


298  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

my  heart  seemed  to  break,  my  spirit  burst  its  bonds, 
and  I  sobbed  it  all  out  in  his  arms.  He  was  very, 
very  kind  and  good,  and  tried  to  comfort  me;  but 
there  was  such  a  strange,  wrung  look  on  his  face,  as 
if  he  felt  life  too  much  for  him  too. 

"  'Never  mind,  little  woman;  we  must  just  try 
and  be  more  to  one  another.  We'll  go  away  for  a 
little  holiday,  and  we  must  go  out  more  together. 
We  can  be  quite  jolly  as  we  are,  and,  after  all,  those 
who  don't  have  kids  are  saved  the  bother  of  them.' 

"  'Then  you  don't  mind,'  I  said  breathlessly.  'I 
was  so  afraid  to  tell  you.' 

' '  He  smiled  a  queer,  far-away  sort  of  smile.  '  I  've 
known  it  for  nearly  five  years,'  he  said.  'Fletcher 
told  me  that  night  when  I  came  back  from  Helston 
and  found  you  at  death's  door. ' " 


CHAPTER  XIX 

"Since  I  wrote  here  before,  five  weeks  have  elapsed. 
It  is  a  very  long  time  to  leave  a  journal  untouched; 
but  I  could  not  help  myself.  In  the  interval  I  have 
been  back  at  La  Grenade,  to  which  I  was  summoned 
by  the  illness  of  my  dear  Miss  Crosby.  Life  is  an 
extraordinary  thing,  just  like  a  web,  weaving,  weav- 
ing all  the  time,  and  none  of  us  know  what  the  pattern 
will  be.  Only  it  is  certain  we  shall  be  woven  in  with 
it,  hopes,  fears,  joys,  sorrows,  disappointments, 
and  futile  desires.  I  had  a  great  longing  to  go  back 
to  Brussels  that  miserable  day  spent  in  London; 
and  it  appeared  that  they  were  thinking  of  me  at  the 
same  time,  and  resolving  to  write  and  ask  whether 
I  could  spare  them  a  few  days.  Miss  Eleanor's 
letter  came  next  morning,  and  I  devoured  it  while 
Gilbert  was  busy  with  his.  She  said  that  her  sister 
had  been  ailing  for  a  considerable  time,  and  had 
been  feeling  the  strain  of  the  school,  and  they  were 
contemplating  giving  it  up  and  retiring  to  some 
quiet  place,  perhaps  in  England,  to  live.  Miss 
Crosby  had  a  great  desire  to  see  me,  she  said,  and 
they  would  like  to  talk  things  over  with  me,  assured 
I  could  be  of  great  help  to  them.  When  I  passed 
over  the  letter  to  Gilbert  he  at  once  said  he  thought 

299 


300  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

I  should  go.  The  prospect  allured  me  too — for, 
though  it  seems  dreadful  to  write  it  down,  I  felt 
the  need  of  getting  away  to  possess  my  soul  for  a 
little  in  quiet.  It  is  what  so  few  of  us  ever  do  — 
possess  our  souls.  We  dissipate  them  and  weary 
them  with  much  living,  forgetting  the  ministry  of 
quiet  thought.  It  seemed  to  be  all  arranged  in  a 
great  hurry,  and  I  was  quite  conscious  that  Gilbert 
was  a  little  relieved  at  the  prospect.  Perhaps  he 
feared  that  I  was  going  to  mope  and  fret  about 
Mr.  Eldridge's  verdict,  but  I  think  that  would  not 
have  happened — could  never  happen  now.  I  had 
my  desperate  hour  that  day  in  London  streets, 
when  I  arraigned  the  Almighty  for  His  dealing  with 
me.  Now  I  know  what  is  in  front  I  can  be  ready 
for  it,  and  will  go  breast  forward.  After  I  have 
had  these  few  days  in  my  old  home,  I  shall  come 
back  and  settle  down  to  what .  is  my  new  life-work — 
to  keep  my  husband's  love.  Such  was  my  unspoken 
thought  before  I  went  away,  and  now  I  am  back  I 
will  try  to  put  it  into  action. 

"I  was  quite  conscious  of  a  quickening  of  the 
pulses — a  feeling  of  happy  anticipation  as  I  drew 
near  to  Brussels.  It  was  only  my  second  visit  since 
I  had  left  it,  and  then  Gilbert  had  been  with  me  the 
year  after  our  marriage,  when  he  was  determined 
to  spend  a  Sunday  at  Terveuren,  and  another  day 
at  Waterloo,  so  that  he  might  sit  with  me  inside 
the  battered  wall  of  Hougoumont.  But  it  is  dan- 
gerous to  repeat  such  experiences,  for,  after  all, 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  301 

each  episode  in  a  life  must  be  a  distinct  and  separate 
thing,  and  really  can  never  be  repeated.  When 
the  attempt  is  made,  generally  it  is  found  that 
the  essence  has  gone.  Miss  Eleanor  met  me  at 
the  station,  her  dear  face  all  smiles  and  tears,  and 
when  we  had  hugged  one  another,  and  got  into 
the  fiacre,  we  were  ready  to  talk. 

"  'Madeline  is  not  well,  dear;  sometimes  she 
says  she  will  never  be  well  any  more;  but  yesterday 
we  had  Monsieur  Lepine  to  see  her — you  remember 
Monsieur  Lepine,  with  all  his  decorations,  that  day 
at  the  Academic  when  the  Princess  gave  the  prizes? 
— and  he  was  quite  reassuring.  He  says  that  her 
heart  is  tired,  that  it  is  time  for  her  to  rest,  and 
that  we  must  give  up.' 

"  'I  agree  with  him,  but  it  will  be  a  great  loss  to 
Brussels  and  to  England — but  especially  to  all  the 
girls  who  will  never  now  have  the  chance  of  coming 
to  La  Grenade ' 

"Miss  Eleanor  smiled  and  patted  my  hand,  and 
then  quite  suddenly  said  I  had  grown  much  thinner, 
and  that  my  eyes  were  sad.  I  smiled  bravely  to 
reassure  her,  and  presently  changed  the  subject 
because  I  did  not  wish  to  talk  about  myself. 

"Very  soon  we  came  to  the  dear  old  gates;  the 
next  minute  I  was  at  my  dear  Miss  Crosby's  side, 
and  could  have  cried  out  at  the  change  in  her.  She 
had  grown  quite  thin,  but  her  face  was  as  sunshiny 
as  ever,  and  she  made  me  most  lovingly  welcome.  I 
had  my  old  room — and  it  touched  me  very  much 
to  find  that  they  had  never  put  any  other  governess 


302  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

in  it,  but  had  kept  it  as  a  sort  of  shrine,  which  they 
only  permitted  very  special  guests  to  occupy.  I 
felt  myself  immediately  at  home,  and  tried  to  slip 
into  all  the  old  ways  of  the  house.  To  complete 
the  illusion  I  even  spent  my  mornings  in  the  school- 
room, taking  part  in  the  tuition.  But,  ah!  nothing 
was  really  the  same. 

"Can  it  ever  be  really  the  same  when  we  have 
burned  our  boats  and  pulled  down  our  bridges  and 
left  the  gulf  between?  It  never  can,  and  when  we 
try,  it  is  only  make-believe. 

' '  But  I  had  quite  a  happy  time,  and  we  talked  over 
endless  plans  for  the  Miss  Crosbys.  I  had  even 
promised  to  look  for  the  ideal  cottage  for  them  some- 
where in  the  Great  North  Road  not  too  far  from 
Finchley.  But  first  they  wanted  a  long  winter  in 
Italy,  where  they  hoped  to  realize  some  of  the  travel 
and  study  dreams  of  their  youth. 

"Gilbert  wrote  quite  often,  but  somehow  his 
letters  gave  me  no  heart-beat.  They  seemed  to  be 
mostly  written  in  business  hours — and  so  often 
broke  off  to  say  that  a  man  was  waiting  for  him  or 
he  had  to  go  to  a  business  appointment.  There  was 
none  of  the  abandon  of  the  long-ago  time,  when  he 
poured  all  his  passionate  heart  out  on  paper,  and  let 
all  the  world  go  by. 

' '  I  wrote  one  of  that  sort  to  him  at  La  Grenade  one 
night  when  I  could  not  sleep  in  my  lonely  bed,  and 
all  the  glamour  of  that  brief  love-passion  came  upon 
me  like  a  great  flood.  I  simply  poured  myself 
out  in  that  letter,  and  was  so  afraid  lest  I  should 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  303 

repent  me  of  it  that  I  posted  it  first  thing  in  the 
morning  without  reading  it  over.  Then  I  waited, 
dear  God,  how  I  waited  for  his  answer!  But  none 
ever  came.  At  least,  no  real  answer  to  that  passion- 
ate call  from  a  woman's  deepest  heart. 

"What  is  to  be  said  to  a  man  who  will  say  in 
reply  to  such  a  thing,  'I  received  your  kind  letter 
yesterday'?  I  laughed  out  loud  when  I  read  that, 
and  put  it  in  the  fire.  It  was  the  first  angry  thing 
I  had  done,  but  my  heart  was  hot  with  shame  when 
I  recalled  my  passionate  appeal  for  the  love  of  the 
early  days,  my  eager  questioning  as  to  how  and  where 
I  had  failed.  I  did  not  write  again  until  it  was 
time  to  fix  my  journey  home.  I  heard  regularly 
from  Babette  —  poor,  faithful  Babette  —  who  had 
cried  unrestrainedly  over  my  going,  and  had  owned 
to  the  most  dreadful  homesickness.  But,  as  I 
explained,  I  could  not  take  her  with  me,  as  she  was 
the  chief  buttress  of  the  house.  But  I  have  promised 
Mimi,  now  the  wife  of  a  market  porter  called  Jules 
Torre",  and  the  mother  of  little  Jules,  that  when  we 
go  for  our  summer  holiday  I  shall  shut  up  the  house 
and  Babette  shall  pay  her  a  long  visit,  and  once 
more  taste  the  joys  of  the  boulevards. 

"I  arrived  at  Victoria  at  seven  o'clock  one  eve- 
ning, and  Gilbert  was  on  the  platform  looking  so 
handsome  and  so  lovable  that  all  my  heart  went  out 
to  him,  and  I  just  nestled  to  him,  glad  to  feel  his 
big  arm  round  me  once  more,  and  calling  myself  a 
fool  for  ever  doubting  him.  Dear  God,  how  I  love 
him,  with  that  slavish  devotion  which  never  knows 


304  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

one  straying  thought,  how  proud  I  am  of  him! 
To-night  I  would  not  have  him  different  in  one 
single  particular.  He  was  much  interested  about 
the  Miss  Crosbys,  and  listened  delightfully  while 
I  told  him  of  their  plans. 

"  'It  was  just  about  time  they  let  you  go,  my 
dear,'  he  said  grimly.  'I  had  made  up  my  mind  to 
fetch  you  on  Saturday  if  you  had  not  come.' 

"  'Oh,  that  would  have  been  delightful,'  I  cried 
ruefully.  'I  wish  now  that  I  had  stayed.  I  went 
out  to  Terveuren  by  my  little  self  and  even  found 
that  bank  in  the  Laecken  woods.  It  was  in  posses- 
sion of  the  squirrels  gathering  in  their  winter  hoard 
of  nuts.  But  nothing  is  the  same.' 

"  'Neither  is  it  the  same  here,  Hessie,  and  I'm 
jolly  glad  you  're  back.  I  met  old  Jermyn  yesterday, 
and  he  was  anxiously  inquiring.  Your  old  women  at 
the  meeting  apparently  don't  like  anybody  else  in 
your  place.' 

"His  voice  took  the  laughing,  bantering  note 
which  any  mention  of  my  outside  work  never  failed 
to  bring.  He  did  not  care  about  it,  I  knew.  He 
would  much  rather  I  had  developed  into  a  fashionable 
sort  of  woman  full  up  with  social  engagements. 

"  'Seen  anything  of  the  Yuills? '  I  asked,  to  change 
the  subject. 

"  'Went  to  supper  with  them  last  Sunday  night; 
duty  affair  on  their  part  and  mine.  Good  grub,  but 
mighty  slow  show.  Here  we  are,  thank  goodness!' 

"I  was  quite  glad  to  see  my  home  again  and 
Babette's  face  of  smiling  welcome. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  305 

"After  dinner,  while  Gilbert  smoked  over  the 
evening  paper,  I  went  to  tell  Babette  my  news  and 
get  all  hers. 

"Amongst  it  there  was  one  disquieting  item,  that 
Monsieur  had  stopped  away  several  nights  from 
home  without  letting  them  know,  and  thereby  caused 
them  much  anxiety.  But  though  these  words 
alone  drew  the  curtain  of  night  over  my  soul,  I 
never  put  a  single  question  to  Gilbert,  but  sat 
down  opposite  to  him  as  if  nothing  had  happened. 
I  went  early  to  bed,  and,  being  physically  quite 
exhausted,  fell  immediately  asleep.  When  I  awoke 
the  gray  dawn  was  in  the  room,  and  I  was  still  alone. 
I  got  up,  crept  across  the  floor,  and,  softly  opening 
the  dressing-room  door,  looked  in.  Gilbert  was 
asleep  there,  his  dear  head  lying  soft  on  his  pillow 
like  a  child's.  I  cannot  write  down  what  was  in  my 
heart  as  I  crept  back  and  hid  my  face  and  my  aching 
heart  from  every  eye  but  God's. 

"A  tremendous  thing  has  happened  in  our  lives. 
Gilbert  has  got  a  new  appointment.  He  had  been 
growing  so  very  discontented  lately,  so  often  saying 
he  was  sick  of  Finchley,  and  even  hinting  of  going 
out  to  South  Africa  or  Canada  to  seek  his  fortune, 
that  I  never  seemed  to  know  a  moment's  peace  of 
mind.  I  felt  that  any  day  he  might  come  in  and 
say,  '  Pack  up,  we  are  going  to-morrow ! ' 

"What  strange,  restless  creatures  men  are.  How 
quickly  they  are  irked  by  routine,  how  they  long  for 
change  and  variety  and  perpetual  motion!  I  am 
20 


3o6  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

sure  that  if  women  entered  Parliament  there  would 
be  no  more  politics  as  men  understand  them.  Women 
are  all  Conservatives,  so  that  the  party  strife  would 
die  away.  In  its  place,  however,  they  might  get  a 
kind  of  internal  strife  which  would  be  worse.  Just 
when  Gilbert  seemed  to  have  made  up  his  mind  for 
action  of  some  kind,  a  letter  came  from  his  directors 
requesting  him  to  attend  a  meeting  of  the  board 
that  very  day.  I  could  see  how  elated  he  was, 
though  he  tried  to  hide  it  from  me. 

"'Just  about  time  they  were  making  a  move  of 

some  kind  in  my  direction '  he  growled.     'But 

I'm  not  taking  anything  they  like  to  heave  at  me, 
mind.  A  man  who  has  done  what  I  have  here  can 
afford  to  pick  and  choose ' 

'"Do  you  think  they  '11  ask  you  to  leave  Finchley ? ' 
I  asked,  and  I  felt  my  heart  quail  at  the  prospect.  I 
have  got  rooted  here.  I  have  my  friends,  and  my 
work  as  well  as  my  house ;  it  would  be  quite  dreadful 
to  leave  it  all,  only  I  must  hide  all  that.  I  must 
try  not  even  to  let  Gilbert  see  that  I  am  anxious 
about  to-day's  issue. 

" '  Leave  Finchley — I  should  just  rather  think  they 
ought.  I've  had  just  about  enough  of  this  rotten 
one-horse  place.  If  there's  anything  I  loathe,  it's 
Suburbia.  Why,  even  Helston  was  preferable  in 
some  ways.  At  least,  a  chap  was  somebody  there. 
His  position  was  clearly  defined.' 

"I  tried  to  crush  down  the  sigh  that  wanted  to 
escape.  The  difference  between  men  and  women 
seems  to  be  that  women  find  their  chief  happiness 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  307 

within.  They  live  in  a  sense  the  cloistered  life, 
while  a  man  is  happiest  among  the  din  and  conflict 
of  the  world.  It  must  be  so,  I  suppose,  in  order 
that  the  work  of  the  world  may  be  carried  on. 
Gilbert  went  down  to  the  bank  to  tell  his  clerks 
that  he  had  to  go  to  London,  then,  because  I  urged 
him,  he  came  back  to  change  his  clothes.  Just 
lately  somebody  recommended  him  to  a  new  tailor 
in  Bond  Street  who  makes  a  study  of  the  middle-aged 
figure.  Gilbert  is  so  afraid  of  getting  stout  as  he 
gets  older,  and,  now  he  is  almost  forty,  has  to  look 
after  his  figure.  I  assured  him  he  looked  lovely, 
and  as  slim  as  there  was  any  need  for  in  his  blue 
serge  suit,  and  I  sent  him  away  with  a  kiss  and 
a  prayer  in  my  heart.  After  he  was  down  at  the 
foot  of  the  stair,  and  I  had  to  run  to  the  bow  window 
of  the  drawing  room  to  watch  him  turn  the  corner, 
he  came  running  back  and  took  me  all  in  his  arms  — 
crushing  me  up  tight. 

'"You're  a  ripping  good  sort,  old  girl,  and  I'm 
not  half  good  enough  for  you.  I  never  was,  and 
never  will  be.  Whatever  they  offer  me,  I  hope  it 
will  be  something  you  '11  like.  I  Ve  a  jolly  good  mind 
to  tell  them  half  my  success  here  is  owing  to  you. ' 

"Then  he  went  away  as  suddenly  as  he  had  come, 
leaving  me  happier  than  I  had  been  for  long.  He  is 
all  right,  I  am  sure,  and  perhaps  after  all  I  have  not 
disappointed  him  so  much.  I  will  try  to  rejoice 
with  him  whatever  happens  to-day.  The  chief  thing 
is  that  he  should  not  be  disappointed. 

"He  did  not  come  back  to  lunch,  at  which  I  need 


3o8  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

not  have  worried,  for  it  was  nearly  eleven  before  he 
went  away — and  his  appointment  was  at  twelve. 
Near  one  o'clock  I  got  a  telegram  saying  he  had 
been  given  Gracechurch  Street,  which  I  took  to 
mean  the  managership  of  the  branch  there.  So 
then  I  knew  he  would  not  come  home  for  an  hour  or 
two.  I  supposed  the  directors  asked  him  to  lunch 
to  celebrate  the  occasion.  I  tried  to  settle  down  to 
a  quiet  afternoon  with  my  needlework,  but  I  felt 
very  restless,  and  soon  after  two  I  walked  round 
to  Totteridge  Lane  to  see  Miss  Yuill.  They  have 
a  sweet  old  house  in  the  Lane.  It  is  called  The 
Yews,  and  has  rather  a  sombre  row  of  trees  about 
the  entrance.  But  inside  it  is  just  a  dear,  homely, 
cosy  house;  there  is  nothing  grand  about  it,  but  I 
have  never  seen  a  more  restful,  cosy  sitting  room 
than  Christina's.  It  is  all  comfortable,  chintz- 
covered  chairs  and  couches,  and  has  heaps  of  pic- 
tures, chiefly  Scottish  water  colors  hung  very  low 
on  the  wall  to  rest  on  the  top  of  the  bookshelves 
which  run  all  round  the  room.  Christina  is  the  sort 
of  woman  who  gives  you  tea  whatever  hour  you  call 
on  her.  She  simply  loves  tea,  and  makes  everything 
an  excuse  for  taking  it. 

"'There  you  are,'  she  said,  looking  up  from  her 
knitting  and  her  capacious  chair.  'I  thought 
you'd  be  here  the  day  some  time.  Grace,  some  tea 
as  quick  as  you  can ' 

"Grace  was  a  very  angular  parlor  maid.  Gilbert 
says  she  has  a  face  like  a  horse,  and  that  he  would 
not  keep  her  a  moment  in  the  house.  But  she  is  one 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  309 

of  the  treasure  species,  and  has  been  at  The  Yews 
for  thirteen  years. 

'"Gilbert's  gone  to  London,'  I  said  as  I  dropped 
into  a  chair  and  began  to  unbutton  my  gloves. 
'  He 's  been  sent  for  by  the  Bank,  spelled  with  a  big  B. 
I  am  in  terror  in  case  it  means  that  we  shall  have 
to  leave  Finchley.' 

'"It  would  be  a  misfortune  to  a  heap  of  folk,  and 
nothing  less  than  a  calamity  at  St.  Luke's.  What 
does  he  expect  ?' 

"I  don't  know  what  he  expects;  I  know  what  he 
wants.  But  don't  you  think  that  he  could  go  down 
to  the  city  every  day,  same  as  Mr.  Yuill  does?' 

"'Perfectly;  when  it's  pointed  out  to  him  that 
you  don't  want  to  leave  Finchley,  and  Finchley 
can't  spare  you,  I've  no  doubt  it  will  be  all  right.' 
She  spoke  confidently  and  cheerily,  as  if  there  could 
be  no  doubt.  But  I  did  not  feel  at  all  sure  about  it. 

"I  stopped  with  her  till  nearly  four  o'clock,  and 
when  I  got  home  Babette  told  me  there  was  a  lady 
waiting  to  see  me  in  the  drawing  room.  In  the  same 
breath  she  informed  me  that  Monsieur  had  not  yet 
come  home. 

"When  I  entered  the  room  I  did  not  recognize  the 
lady,  who  looked  middle-aged  and  rather  dowdy.  I 
had  never  seen  her  before. 

"You  don't  know  me,'  she  said  abruptly,  'and 
I  have  never  seen  you  before;  but  my  sister  attends 
the  Women's  Meeting  at  St.  Luke's,  and  I  have  often 
heard  her  speak  about  your  sympathy  and  the  help 


3io  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

you  are  to  them  all.  I  am  in  great  trouble;  I  need 
your  help;  and  it  is  a  matter  I  can't  talk  of  except  to 
a  stranger.  I  could  not  tell  my  sister,  for  instance. 
May  I  talk  to  you  without  even  telling  you  my 
name ' 

' '  I  drew  up  my  chair  to  hers,  and  I  saw  then  that 
her  face,  which  must  once  have  been  a  comely  one, 
was  ravaged  by  a  grief  or  some  inward  care. 

"I  replied  that  anything  I  could  do  to  help  her 
would  be  done  with  all  my  heart. 

"She  put  up  her  veil,  wiped  her  nervous  mouth 
with  her  handkerchief,  and  began  to  speak : 

"'My  husband's  a  commercial  traveler,  and  we 
live  at  Crouch  End.  We  have  four  children,  two 
boys  and  two  girls.  He  is  forty-nine  and  I  am  fifty- 
one.  I  was  a  school  teacher  when  we  married,  and 
I  've  had  a  happy  life.  My  children  are  doing  well. 
Both  the  girls  are  teachers.  Alice,  the  elder,  is 
going  to  be  married  to  a  chemist  at  Bexhill-on-Sea 
next  year. 

'"It  has  always  been  a  trouble  to  me  that  Bert — 
that's  my  husband — has  had  to  be  so  much  away 
from  home,  from  Monday  to  Friday  every  week, 
so  that  he  has  really  been  a  sort  of  week-end  visitor 
in  his  own  home.  But,  as  I  say,  we  have  been  very 
happy,  and  up  to  two  years  ago  I'm  sure  a  better 
husband  and  father  never  existed.  He  is  good- 
looking  in  a  dashing  sort  of  way — and  very  jolly. 
The  children  have  always  adored  him;  he  has  never 
grown  old  to  them;  and  that's  a  great  thing  for 
boys  especially,  don't  you  think  ? ' 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  311 

"I  replied  that  it  was  undoubtedly  a  splendid 
thing,  and  waited  with  a  sort  of  heartsickness  for 
what  was  coming. 

"'About  two  years  ago  he  began  to  be  different. 
It  was  after  the  midland  and  north-country  journey, 
which  takes  three  weeks,  and  happens  four  times  a 
year.  I  thought  he  was  not  very  well  when  he  came 
back ;  he  was  so  irritable  and  short  with  the  children 
and  with  me.  And  from  that  time  he  kept  on 
getting  worse,  so  careless  and  bored  with  us,  espe- 
cially with  me.  I  began  to  feel  somehow  that  he  did 
not  like  to  see  me  about  the  house.  You  have  no 
idea,  Mrs.  Trent,  what  a  woman  goes  through  when 
that  sort  of  thing  is  forced  upon  her.  There  isn't 
any  need  for  eternal  punishment  for  her,  supposing 
she  was  bad  enough  to  deserve  it.  Her  hell  begins 
right  enough  here.  I  've  been  as  good  as  I  knew  how. 
I  've  worked  hard  for  Bert  and  the  children,  and  gone 
without  lots  of  things,  especially  clothes.  I  'm  fond 
of  dress,  though  perhaps  you  wouldn't  think  it, 
but  I've  never  put  myself  first.  It  was  the  way  I 
was  brought  up,  I  suppose.  My  mother  was  a 
God-fearing  woman,  and  believed  that  men  were 
superior  creatures  to  be  waited  on  and  deferred  to. 
But  I'm  sure  that's  bad  for  them;  most  of  them 
are  born  with  enough  conceit  of  themselves.  But  I 
mustn't  weary  you.  I  don't  know  if  you  noticed 
that  I  said  I  am  two  years  older  than  Bert;  and,  of 
course,  a  woman  ages  more  quickly  than  any  man. 
I  lost  my  figure  when  Cecil  was  born,  though  I  only 
measured  twenty-one  inches  round  the  waist  when 


3i2  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

I  married,  and  now  I'm  twenty-nine.  But  what 
does  it  matter  when  one  is  happy?  Both  my  girls 
have  fine  figures,  and  their  father  loved  to  walk 
them  out  on  Sundays  after  church.  It's  always  a 
bad  sign  when  a  church-going  man  begins  to  slacken 
off  church;  it  shows  there's  something  wrong  inside. 
But  I  don't  want  to  be  too  long-winded;  I'll  just 
get  to  the  end  of  my  story  quickly.  One  day,  when 
I  was  brushing  Bert's  clothes  on  the  Monday  after 
he  had  gone  away  to  Bradford,  I  found  a  letter  in 
his  pocket ' 

"She  undid  the  clasp  of  her  hand-bag  and  pro- 
duced a  letter,  and  asked  me  to  read  it.  But  I  said 
quickly  I  would  rather  not;  and  would  she  just  tell 
me  what  was  in  it. 

" '  It 's  a  woman's  letter — a  love-letter — and  it  has 
been  going  on  for  a  while.  She  lives  at  Bradford, 
and  is  the  head  of  a  department  in  one  of  the  big 
warehouses.  Evidently  she  knew  he  was  married 
from  this,  but,  of  course,  she  didn't  care.  I  don't 
know  how  I  bore  myself  for  the  next  few  days.  I 
pretended  I  was  not  very  well,  and  stopped  in  bed. 
The  children  were  all  so  concerned  about  me,  and 
wanted  to  telegraph  for  father,  but,  of  course,  I  did 
not  let  them.  But  because  I  did  not  write  to  him  as 
usual,  he  came  home  four  days  sooner  than  he  had 
said.  He  was  not  easy  in  his  mind,  I  found  out  after. 
I  was  in  bed  when  he  came  back,  and  when  he  stood 
beside  me  I  just  took  the  letter  from  under  my  pillow 
and  handed  it  to  him  without  a  word.  It  was  an 
awful  moment.  I  can't  think  how  God,  if  He  has 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  313 

all  the  power  they  say,  can  bear  to  have  creatures 
come  through  such  things.  It  isn't  right.  Then  he 
owned  up.  He  just  said,  "There  isn't  any  use 
beating  about  the  bush,  Jinny.  The  game's  up; 
and  now  what  are  you  going  to  do?"  Not  a  word 
of  sorrow  or  repentance;  only  upset  at  being  found 
out,  and  a  sort  of  reluctance  for  the  children  to  know. 
He  left  me  to  decide,  told  me  what  he  was  prepared 
to  do  in  the  way  of  allowance  if  I  wanted  to  leave 
him,  and  that's  where  I  am  now.  My  brain  is 
nearly  turned  with  thinking,  and  I  couldn't  tell  a 
living  soul  in  Crouch  End,  where  we  are  so  well 
known.  It  would  mean  the  end  of  everything,  and 
spoil  all  the  children's  prospects.  Then  I  thought 
of  you,  and  of  all  that  my  sister  Kate  has  told  me 
about  your  wonderful  gift  of  sympathy  and  healing. 
Bert  has  gone  again  to  Nottingham  and  Leicester, 
but  he'll  be  home  day  after  to-morrow,  and  I'm 
to  have  my  answer  ready.  Tell  me  what  to  do.' 

"She  leaned  back  in  her  chair,  closed  her  eyes,  and 
began  to  rock  herself  to  and  fro.  I  cried  to  God  in 
my  heart  to  help  me,  to  give  me  the  fitting  word,  if 
it  was  His  will  that  I  should  give  the  cup  of  cold 
water  to  this  rent  and  suffering  soul.  Then  quite 
suddenly  I  had  a  clear  message,  and  knew  what  I  had 
to  say.  I  knelt  down  beside  her,  and  stroked  the 
poor,  work-worn  hands  that  had  known  no  weariness 
of  service  for  those  she  loved. 

"Listen,  my  dear;  you  must  not  leave  him.  If 
you  do,  he  will  go  down.  There  is  nothing  more 
certain  than  that.' 


3i4  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

'"I  do  believe  you're  right.  But  do  you  think  I 
shall  have  strength  to  keep  it  from  the  children?' 

"'Yes,  for  God  will  give  it  to  you,  and  you  will 
win  him  back.  All  these  years  of  love  and  fealty  will 
not  be  lost.  God  will  see  to  that.  Go  back  and  do 
the  best  you  can.' 

"'It's  what  I  want  to  do,'  she  said,  with  a  little 
fluttering  sigh,  'for  what  life  has  a  middle-aged 
woman  like  me  away  from  her  husband  and  children? 
Some  of  them  might  side  with  him  even.  I  'm  nearly 
sure  Edie  would.  She's  so  like  him  in  everything. 
Well,  I'll  do  it,  and  I  do  thank  you.  Can  I  come 
now  and  then  when  I'm  finding  it  particularly 
hard?  Your  eyes  are  so  kind  and  true,  one  could 
just  tell  you  anything,  and  be  sure  it  would  go  no 
further.' 

"As  I  rose  to  let  her  out  I  heard  Gilbert's  voice 
asking  for  me.  I  looked  out,  and  just  asked  him  to 
wait  in  the  dining  room  a  minute.  Then  I  took  my 
visitor,  whose  name  I  had  not  even  asked,  to  the 
door  and  said  good-bye.  I  just  waited  a  moment 
in  the  silent  passage  to  recover  myself.  I  could 
hear  Gilbert's  impatient  whistle  inside  the  dining- 
room  door.  He  says  he  is  to  enter  at  Gracechurch 
Street  on  the  isth  of  October,  and  that  we  shall 
have  to  be  out  of  this  house  in  three  weeks'  time." 


CHAPTER  XX 

"After  all,  we  are  not  to  leave  Finchley.  At  first 
Gilbert  said  we  could  not  possibly  remain,  and  that 
it  would  be  necessary  for  him  to  live  nearer  to  his 
work;  but,  after  considering  things  and  talking 
them  over,  he  has  changed  his  mind,  no  doubt 
partly  out  of  consideration  for  me.  He  is  to  have 
such  a  large  salary  at  Gracechurch  Street,  and  all 
his  investments  have  been  so  successful,  that  he 
says  we  can  double  our  expenditure  without  being 
in  the  least  wasteful  or  extravagant.  He  has  decided 
to  take  a  lovely  old  house  in  Totteridge  Lane  called 
Grey  Gables.  It  has  been  empty  for  quite  two  years, 
and  the  landlord  was  very  glad  to  hear  of  tenants 
like  us.  There  was  no  difficulty  about  getting  a 
lease  arranged.  Gilbert  has  taken  it  for  seven  years 
with  a  break  at  three  and  five.  I  am  so  glad  about 
it,  chiefly  because  I  shall  not  have  to  leave  all  the 
dear  friends  I  have  made,  the  Jermyns,  the  Yuills, 
and  Dr.  Fletcher,  and,  above  all,  my  dear  women 
at  the  Monday  meeting.  I  love  them  all  just  as 
much  as  they  love  me,  and  we  have  started  so  many 
things  this  winter  in  connection  with  it — a  penny 
savings  bank,  a  cutting-out  class,  and  some  ele- 
mentary cookery.  Babette  is  going  to  teach  them 

315 


316  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

the  science  of  bones  in  cookery,  and  what  lovely 
nourishing  soup  can  be  made  out  of  stuff  which  so 
many  English  women  throw  away.  This  is  a  fasci- 
nating subject,  but  I  am  wandering  away  from  Grey 
Gables.  It  is  the  loveliest  old  place,  like  a  story- 
book house  or  a  dream  house.  It  has  two  acres 
of  lawns  and  gardens — so  old  and  matured,  with 
turf  like  velvet.  Think  of  that  to  a  woman  who  has 
not  had  even  a  backyard  of  her  own  for  seven  years ! 
The  house  itself  is  not  in  the  least  pretentious — 
a  dear,  homey  place  with  wide,  low  rooms  and  a 
panelled  hall.  There  is  a  double  drawing  room.  I 
shall  fill  it  with  restful  chairs  like  those  in  Christina's 
drawing  room,  only  she  says  I  shall  have  to  send  to 
Edinburgh  for  them,  as  they  only  make  gimcracks 
in  the  Tottenham  Court  Road.  Occasionally  Chris- 
tina is  quite  caustic  about  England  and  English 
things.  Her  heart  is  really  in  Glen  Isla,  and  she 
is  always  hoping  Andrew  will  get  married  and  let 
her  away  to  live  at  Brean.  '  But  there  is  n't  a  chance 
now,'  she  said  one  day,  'for  he  is  nearly  fifty,  and 
getting  to  be  an  old  man.'  I  said  indignantly  that 
fifty  was  not  old  at  all,  and  that  it  would  be  quite 
a  good  thing  if  some  men  did  not  marry  till  then,  as 
they  would  have  more  sense.  But  she  went  on  again 
precisely  as  if  I  had  not  said  anything : 

"'Forby' — (a  great  word  with  her) — 'he'll  never 
marry  now,  for  he  has  seen  the  only  one  he  has  ever 
cared  about,  and  he  can't  get  her.' 

"I  felt  very  curious  about  this  unknown  flame  of 
Andrew  Yuill's,  but  I  never  got  any  satisfaction  out 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  317 

of  his  sister.  I  felt  disappointed,  however,  for  I 
had  set  my  heart  on  his  marrying  Jane  just  as  soon 
as  Mr.  Trent  would  not  need  her  any  more.  I  have 
the  greatest  respect  for  Mr.  Yuill.  He  is  such  a 
straightforward,  splendid  sort  of  man.  He  would 
be  quite  incapable  of  telling  the  smallest  untruth 
even  in  business,  when  Gilbert  says  it  is  absolutely 
necessary  sometimes. 

"There  is  a  line  in  one  of  Stevenson's  poems  which 
I  always  apply  to  him  mentally:  'Winds  austere 
and  pure.'  Of  course,  they  were  Scotch  winds. 
Somehow  since  I  got  to  know  the  Yuills  I  have  such 
an  idea  of  the  strength  and  trustworthiness  of  Scot- 
land. Everything  there,  even  human  character, 
seems  to  be  founded  on  the  rock. 

"But  I  never  say  that  to  Gilbert.  He  doesn't 
like  the  Scotch,  and  says  they  are  always  pushing 
their  noses  in  where  they  are  not  wanted;  also  that 
they  should  stay  in  their  own  country — especially 
as  they  are  always  praising  it  up  as  the  only  country 
in  the  world. 

"Oh,  dear,  I  did  not  mean  to  write  all  this;  I  have 
wandered  a  long  way  from  Grey  Gables,  but  some- 
how in  writing  a  journal,  especially  when  one  has  no 
literary  experience,  one  just  meanders  on,  and  one 
thing  suggests  another,  so  that  in  the  end  it  is  bound 
to  be  a  sort  of  medley.  But  it  is  true  enough 
to  life. 

"There  was  only  one  thing  which  gave  me  a  pang 
in  the  house,  and  that  was  the  nursery  gate  at  the 
far  end  of  the  long  corridor.  It  was  used  to  shut 


3i8  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

off  the  children's  little  wing  from  the  upper  landing 
and  the  stairs.  It  is  built  on  two  floors  only,  and 
the  little  wing  of  three  rooms  must  have  been  added 
when  the  children  of  some  generation  came.  Already 
I  have  a  little  plan,  that  some  day,  when  Jane  comes 
to  live  with  us  altogether,  as  I  hope  she  will,  I  shall 
give  her  these  rooms.  She  can  put  her  own  things 
in  them  and  have  a  real  sanctuary.  Gilbert  was 
very  kind  and  tender  about  it,  and  said  he  would 
take  care  to  have  the  gate  removed  before  I  saw 
the  house  again.  After  we  had  been  all  over  it,  we 
went  into  The  Yews  and  had  a  good  talk  with 
Christina. 

"I  wanted  most  dreadfully  to  tell  Gilbert  about 
the  lady  who  had  called  in  the  afternoon,  but,  of 
course,  I  did  not,  chiefly  because  she  had  relied  so 
implicitly  on  my  respecting  her  confidence,  and 
partly  because  it  was  not  a  subject  on  which  I  could 
have  talked  with  any  freedom  to  my  husband. 
Next  morning  I  had  a  letter  from  her  giving  her 
name  and  address.  She  wrote  so  gratefully  and 
warmly,  just  as  if  I  had  done  something  really  great 
for  her.  Gilbert  looked  across  the  table  and  asked 
who  my  letter  was  from.  'A  Mrs.  Arkwright,  the 
lady  who  was  here  yesterday, '  I  answered. 

'"What  is  it  about?'  he  asked. 

"'Only  the  matter  she  came  to  ask  my  advice 
about  yesterday,'  I  answered  rather  confusedly.  'It 
was  a  very  private  matter.  I  am  sorry  I  can't  let 
you  see  the  letter.' 

'"Oh,   I  don't  want  to  pry  into  any  of  your 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  319 

secrets,'  he  said  with  a  laugh.  'I  hope  you  gave  her 
sound  advice,  however,  not  too  much  tinged  by 
sentiment/ 

' '  I  am  writing  this  page  in  my  own  room  at  Grey 
Gables,  and  though  we  have  not  been  long  in  the 
house,  we  feel  quite  at  home.  I  am  going  to  like  it 
very  much,  I  am  sure,  and  Babette  is  quite  charmed 
with  it.  I  shall  not  be  able  to  keep  her  very  much 
longer,  I  am  afraid,  as  she  is  now  betrothed  to 
Frangois  Torre",  the  brother  of  Jules,  Mimi's  husband 
—  and  as  soon  as  they  can  get  a  little  farm  near 
Grenoble,  to  which  the  Torres  belong,  she  will  go 
back  to  her  beloved  Belgium.  We  shall  miss  her 
most  frightfully,  and  hope  she  will  stay  for  months 
yet ;  Christina  is  going  to  try  to  get  me  some  Scotch 
maids,  as  they  do  much  more  work,  and  are  very 
capable  all  round.  I  have  got  such  a  pretty  bedroom, 
which  I  shall  use  as  a  sitting  room  too.  I  have  been 
very  extravagant  with  my  carpet.  It  came  from 
Paris,  and  is  a  lovely  soft  gray  with  a  border  of  rather 
dull  roses.  I  shall  make  silver-gray  curtains  with 
worked  roses  in  the  border  to  hang  at  the  three  long 
windows.  Gilbert  gave  me  fifty  pounds  to  spend  on 
my  own  room,  and  I  feel  very  selfish  when  I  have  to 
say  I  have  spent  it  all.  I  took  my  lovely  old  Dutch 
bureau  up  from  the  drawing  room,  and  it  all  looks  so 
beautiful.  I  take  a  great  deal  of  joy  in  my  house. 
It  gives  me  quite  a  thrill  when  I  am  successful  with 
curtains  and  trimmings.  I  am  sure  God  meant 
women  to  take  this  personal  kind  of  interest  in  their 


320  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

houses ;  He  knows  how  it  comforts  them  and  fills  up 
empty  spaces.  I  know  that  there  are  people  who 
think  it  is  only  brainless  people  who  can  give  so 
much  of  their  time  and  thought  to  such  trivial  things. 
But  are  they  trivial?  Whatever  contributes  to  the 
harmony  of  life  is  surely  worth  doing.  Gilbert  is  so 
interested.  Almost  we  have  gone  back  to  the  days 
when  he  painted  the  stair  treads  and  hung  all  the 
pictures.  I  have  not  had  such  happy  weeks  for  a 
long  time. 

"But  Gracechurch  Street  is  going  to  take  Gilbert 
more  and  more  away  from  me,  I  can  see.  Even  when 
he  gets  away  from  the  bank  at  half -past  six  o'clock — 
which  is  the  earliest  possible  moment  he  ever  can 
leave  —  it  is  nearly  eight  when  he  gets  to  Finchley. 
Of  course,  he  does  not  come  home  to  lunch.  I  must 
try  and  get  used  to  it ;  but  it  is  a  very  lonely  existence. 
What  I  feel  so  much  is  that  I  am  quite  outside  of  that 
part  of  his  life.  He  tells  me  a  little,  of  course,  and 
everything  seems  to  be  going  smoothly  at  the  new 
office,  but  always  there  is  the  feeling  of  the  closed 
door.  I  think  Gilbert  begins  to  look  quite  old,  and 
sometimes,  when  he  is  sitting  quietly  by  the  fireside, 
I  seem  to  see  so  many  worry  lines  on  his  face.  One 
night  I  sat  down  on  his  knee,  and  his  face  flushed  all 
over,  quite  like  a  schoolboy.  How  I  laughed  at  him ! 

"'You  don't  need  to  be  blushing  like  that,  Gibbie. 
Once  upon  a  time ' 

"He  buried  his  face  on  my  shoulder  and  hugged 
me  close. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE          321 

'"Once  upon  a  time,  Hessie,'  he  almost  groaned. 
'By  God,  I  wish  it  could  come  back.' 

"Perhaps  I  have  been  too  reserved  with  him,  after 
all !  Men  are  so  hard  to  understand.  I  have  always 
thought  it  was  best  not  to  show  them  how  much  you 
care.  I  remember  when  he  left  me  at  Terveuren  I 
had  an  awful  feeling,  as  if  I  had  made  myself  some 
quite  cheap  thing  not  worth  the  taking.  I  even 
wrote  that  to  him  in  one  of  my  letters,  and  I  have 
kept  the  lovely  letter  he  sent  me  in  reply.  He  did 
write  beautiful  letters.  That  is  why  I  felt  the  dif- 
ference so  much  when  I  visited  the  Miss  Crosbys  at 
La  Grenade,  and  he  sent  me  disappointing  scraps,  full 
of  information  about  people  in  whom  I  do  not  take 
the  slightest  interest.  I  have  so  often  heard  that 
husbands  weary  of  wives  who  demonstrate  too  much 
— I  should  shrink  away  into  nothingness  if  I  saw  any 
sign  of  that  in  mine.  It  is  why  I  kept  myself  a  little 
aloof,  not  that  I  love  him  less — I  love  him  more,  far 
more,  than  I  did  5at  the  beginning,  and  I  have  such 
a  strange  yearning  over  him  —  as  if  he  were  my  big 
child  as  well  as  my  husband.  Often  I  try  to  tell 
God  about  him  in  the  dark,  when  I  pray  that  I  may 
have  him  altogether,  body,  heart,  and  soul.  Some- 
times I  think  that  if  only  a  little  of  the  fire  of  love  for 
the  Lord  Jesus  could  touch  Gilbert,  his  manhood 
would  blossom  into  a  heavenly  thing.  There  are 
such  possibilities  in  his  big,  generous  nature;  oh! 
I  wonder  why  God  does  not  lay  hold  of  him  as  he  did 
of  Saul  on  the  way  to  Damascus!  He  is  worth 
saving.  I  do  want  him  to  begin  consecrating  his  life 
21 


322  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

as  some  of  our  friends  do.  When  I  dare  to  talk  of 
religion — which  is  very  seldom,  for  Gilbert  laughs 
at  it  all,  and  says  it  is  just  a  game  people  play  like 
politics — I  point  out  to  him  that  being  religious  takes 
nothing  from  a  man's  dignity,  but  gives  him  all. 

"I  have  been  going  to  church  quite  alone  now  for 
over  three  years.  I  have  not  got  used  to  it.  I 
never  shall.  And  I  never  talk  to  Gilbert  about  what 
I  do  in  the  parish,  because  he  chaffs  me  so  about  it, 
and  calls  me  the  Mother  Superior,  the  Arch  Con- 
fessor, and  all  sorts  of  bantering  names. 

' '  I  wonder  if  I  am  wrong  and  foolish  to  hate  chaff 
so  much.  It  seems  to  me  so  silly  and  vulgar,  and  so 
often  the  attribute  of  shallow  natures.  But  Gilbert 
is  not  shallow — he  has  a  tremendous  grip  of  big 
things.  One  night  a  friend  of  his  was  here,  and  they 
were  discussing  the  political  situation  in  South 
Africa.  I  was  quite  astonished.  I  felt  more  and 
more  how  many  sides  of  him  I  had  not  touched. 

"What  we  want  as  man  and  wife  beyond  doubt 
is  some  unity  of  purpose.  Gilbert  goes  to  the  city 
every  day,  carries  on  the  business  of  the  bank,  makes 
money  for  it  and  for  himself,  while  I  keep  the  house 
at  home,  and  look  after  Babette  and  Agnes,  the 
Scotch  maid  Christina  got  for  me  from  Alyth,  and 
when  he  comes  home  at  night  we  dine ;  then,  if  he  is 
not  going  back  again,  he  dozes  over  the  evening 
paper  and  goes  to  bed  at  ten. 

"Mr.  Yuill  wanted  him  to  take  some  interest  in 
local  affairs,  to  go  on  a  committee  of  residents  for  the 
purpose  of  watching  and  safeguarding  the  amenity  of 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  323 

the  district,  but  he  just  laughs  and  says  he  takes  no 
interest  in  suburban  cackle.  He  goes  to  a  good 
many  big  city  banquets,  and  is  more  and  more 
involved  in  tremendous  financial  undertakings,  and 
I  know  he  is  making  money  fast  by  the  way  he 
spends  it.  He  gave  me  a  carriage  as  a  birthday  gift, 
but  I  have  nobody  to  drive  out  in  it,  and  I  would  just 
as  soon  walk.  Sometimes  I  wonder  whether  I  did 
right  in  keeping  him  here  after  all,  and  whether  it 
would  not  have  been  better  to  let  him  buy  one  of  the 
old  houses  in  Bloomsbury  he  spoke  about. 

"It  is  so  difficult  for  a  woman  to  know  the  best 
thing  to  do  in  such  circumstances,  but  certainly,  if  I 
was  selfish  then,  I  have  paid  the  price.  My  lone- 
liness is  fearful.  More  and  more  I  am  shut  in  upon 
myself,  and  I  suppose  I  am  a  dull  companion.  Only 
Gilbert  never  seems  to  notice  whether  I  am  dull  or 
cheerful,  any  more  than  he  notices  what  kind  of  a 
frock  I  have  on. 

"Again  I  ask,  why  did  God  take  away  my  little 
son,  who  would  have  filled  up  all  the  gaps?  If  it  is 
the  highest  kind  of  faith  to  accept  all  the  happenings 
of  life  without  a  single  question  or  doubt,  then  I  am 
very  far  from  it  indeed. 

"Life  does  not  grow  easier  as  we  grow  older.  We 
lose  the  light-heartedness  and  buoyancy  of  youth, 
and  experience  brings  no  gift  comparable  to  it. 
Looking  round  us,  we  see  so  much  inequality  and 
apparent  injustice  that  we  become  rebellious. 
Power,  unless  it  is  beneficent,  is  an  evil  thing.  What 
am  I  writing  at  this  moment?  It  is  God  I  am 


324  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

arraigning,  even  suggesting  that  I  might  handle 
human  destiny  better.  May  He  forgive  my  puny 
presumption!  But  He  will.  The  most  comforting 
thing  in  the  religion  which  upholds  women  all  over 
the  world  is  the  hidden  assurance  that  God  under- 
stands every  bit  of  us.  I  am  not  ashamed  to  tell 
Him  all  my  anguished  thoughts  about  Gilbert,  my 
desire  to  be  to  him  all  a  wife  should  be  in  every  sense, 
and  my  bitter  mourning  over  my  apparent  failure. 
Perhaps  somewhere  away  at  the  back  of  this  big 
failure  the  light  is  shining,  and  some  of  my  poor 
efforts  may  yet  blossom  like  the  rose  in  my  life  and  in 
Gilbert's.  There  must  be  something  in  my  nature 
which  requires  this  searching  discipline,  and  too 
much  happiness  might  have  made  me  arrogant  and 
noisy  and  selfish. 

"If  I  read  my  Kempis  right,  I  am  on  the  highway 
to  glory.  But  I  don't  want  to  go  there  just  yet,  or 
by  this  tortuous  way.  I  am  a  warm,  human  woman, 
and  I  love  my  husband  above  everything  on  earth. 
If  I  am  called  to  give  him  up,  I  shall  not  do  so  cheer- 
fully or  gladly,  nor  will  I  pretend.  I  wonder  do  I 
ask  too  much  ?  When  I  look  round  at  other  women 
and  see  what  they  have  and  take  out  of  life,  I  can 
truthfully  answer  that  I  don't  think  my  demand 
exorbitant.  It  is  my  husband's  love  I  want — his 
whole  love.  I  want  to  know  his  thoughts,  to  be  a 
part  of  his  inner  life,  to  walk  with  him  side  by  side 
in  every  happening  of  life. 

"I  have  his  trust,  I  know.  I  overheard  him  say 
one  day  to  somebody  who  was  calling: 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  325" 

'"Oh,  ask  my  wife.     She  is  my  sheet-anchor.     I 
do  assure  you  we  should  go  to  pieces  without  her- 


"  There  was  not  a  note  of  irony  in  his  voice.  It 
was  grave  and  sincere,  and  had  even  a  little  poignant 
ring  which  indicated  passion.  Perhaps  I  should  be 
content  with  that.  'The  heart  of  her  husband  doth 
safely  trust  in  her.' 

"That  is  the  Bible  definition  of  the  perfect  wife. 
But,  oh!  it  is  a  height  I  cannot  attain  to!  I  want 
to  be  crushed  up  in  his  arms — as  I  was  at  Terveuren, 
and  to  feel  the  cling  of  a  baby's  arms  round  my  neck, 
his  child  and  mine.  If  these  are  wicked  thoughts, 
God  should  not  have  given  us  the  kind  of  natures  we 
have.  I  am  getting  morbid — I  must  stop  here,  stop 
at  once.  But  it  is  a  relief  of  no  ordinary  kind  to 
write  down  one's  innermost  thoughts.  No  one  will 
ever  read  them.  I  have  come  to  the  conclusion  that 
very  happy  women  do  not  need  to  keep  journals.  All 
their  records  are  in  their  hearts,  expressed  in  the 
sunshine  of  their  faces. 

"As  I  was  doing  my  hair  this  morning  I  found 
quite  a  little  shock  of  gray.  I  ran  into  Gilbert's 
dressing  room  and  showed  it  to  him,  and  he  only 
kissed  it  and  laughed.  'Look  at  mine;  it's  going  to 
be  a  heat  which  reaches  patriarchal  distinction  first,' 
was  all  he  said. 

"Sometimes  my  face  looks  old  and  tired.  It 
lightens  up  when  I  smile.  I  must  try  to  smile  more. 
I  have  so  much  to  be  thankful  for,  and  there  are  so 
many  women  who  are  cheated  even  of  the  ordinary 
pleasant  things  of  life.  I  have  so  many  of  them' 


326  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

"I  hear  occasionally  from  Mrs.  Arkwright,  but  I 
have  never  seen  her  again.  She  expresses  her 
present  mode  of  life  by  the  two  words  'struggling 
on.'  She  has  presented  a  brave  front,  so  that  neither 
her  family  nor  the  world  suspect  the  canker  at  the 
root  of  her  home  life.  It  has  given  her  an  amazing 
courage — a  kind  of  quiet  philosophy  which  has 
certainly  ennobled  a  quite  commonplace  character. 
Her  relations  with  her  husband  must  be  very  difficult. 
She  says :  '  I  have  lost  him,  and  even  though  he  may 
have  never  seen  that  woman  again,  I  shall  never  get 
him  back.'  I  hope  time  will  prove  her  wrong,  and 
that  he  will  yet  be  at  her  feet.  But  even  then  noth- 
ing could  be  the  same.  The  gem  must  be  flawless  to 
satisfy  a  woman's  heart. 

"Since  I  wrote  here  last,  many  strange  things  have 
happened,  and  though  it  is  only  weeks,  I  am  years 
older  in  thought  and  experience.  Gilbert's  father  is 
dead.  It  is  a  great  relief,  for  he  has  suffered  much 
in  the  last  year  or  two,  and  been  practically  dead  to 
the  world.  Jane  has  been  a  pattern  daughter,  her 
patience  knowing  neither  fret  nor  weariness.  Mean- 
while, however,  she  has  had  great  joy  in  the  cultiva- 
tion of  her  writing  gift.  Now  she  will  be  quite  free 
to  order  her  own  life  as  she  chooses  and  thinks  best 
for  the  career  she  has  in  view.  Jane  is  one  of  the  few 
women  independent  of  matrimony.  She  does  not 
seem  to  feel  any  special  craving  in  that  direction. 
She  is  calm,  well  balanced,  with  her  feelings  under 
perfect  control.  She  would  be  a  good  wife  and  a 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  327 

wise  mother,  but  then  again  she  can  be  an  equally 
dignified  and  happy  single  woman.  She  is  complete 
in  herself;  while  I  am  so  very  dependent  on  those 
about  me. 

"The  telegram  announcing  Mr.  Trent's  death  came 
to  me  here  at  Grey  Gables,  and  it  seemed  the 
simplest,  easiest  way  just  to  get  dressed  as  quickly 
as  possible  and  take  it  down  to  Gracechurch  Street. 
I  put  a  few  things  in  a  bag,  quite  determined  that  I 
would  go  down  myself  to  Helston,  whatever  Gilbert 
thought  about  it.  I  could  not  bear  to  think  of  Jane 
being  quite  alone  in  that  little  dull  house  in  the  fields 
quite  away  from  the  town. 

' '  Gilbert  had  not  been  gone  more  than  a  couple  of 
hours  when  the  telegram  came,  and  it  was  not  long 
after  eleven  when  I  got  out  of  the  hansom  at  the  bank 
door  and  walked  in.  It  was  Mr.  Dudgeon  who  came 
and  spoke  to  me;  he  is  always  so  kind  and  attentive 
whenever  I  go  to  Gracechurch  Street.  He  said  Mr. 
Trent  was  in,  and  I  followed  him  through  to  the 
private  room  door,  which  he  opened,  and  showed  me 
in.  Gilbert  was  not  alone.  Before  the  door  closed 
behind  me  I  was  conscious  of  a  sudden  anger  which 
bore  down  upon  me  like  a  whirlwind.  It  was  Maud 
Lacy  who  sat  there  in  the  client's  chair  close  by 
Gilbert's  desk,  with  her  jingling  chatelaine  bag  of 
highly  polished  silver  lying  on  it,  and  the  scent  of 
the  perfume  she  uses  pervading  everything.  I  just 
nodded  to  her — not  even  noticing  her  outstretched 
hand.  Then  I  am  afraid  I  turned  my  back  on  her — 
though  I  was  all  the  time  conscious  of  her  presence, 


328  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

intensely  conscious.  I  took  out  the  telegram  and 
literally  thrust  it  under  Gilbert's  nose.  I  forget  what 
I  said  now,  if,  indeed,  I  ever  knew  it.  I  only  know 
I  had  no  desire  to  soften  the  blow,  or  to  be  in  the 
smallest  degree  sympathetic  or  kind.  I  hated  him  at 
the  moment  almost  as  much  as  I  hated  her,  and  I  did 
not  care  in  the  least  though  they  both  knew  it.  I  did 
not  like  the  look  on  his  face  or  hers — both  were 
altogether  hateful.  I  simply  told  him  the  train  I  was 
going  by,  said  my  hansom  was  waiting,  and  walked 
out.  I  did  not  care  a  straw  what  they  or  anybody 
thought.  I  knew  Dudgeon  was  watching  me,  but  I 
did  not  look  in  his  direction,  and,  climbing  into  the 
hansom,  I  drove  away.  Oh !  but  how  terribly  I  felt ! 
I  had  no  kind  or  pitying  thought  left  for  Jane  or  for 
anybody.  I  thought  only  of  myself  and  my  real 
or  imagined  wrongs.  Eleven  o'clock  in  the  morning, 
and  she  was  there  sitting  with  him!  It  made  me 
gnash  my  teeth. 

"I  was  totally  unconscious  of  the  streets  through 
which  we  passed,  and  when  I  reached  King's  Cross  I 
paid  a  quite  exorbitant  fare  to  my  cabman,  and  pro- 
ceeded at  once  to  the  booking  office.  While  I  was 
seeking  for  change  there,  Gilbert  came  calmly  in 
front  of  me,  took  the  tickets,  and  we  walked  together 
to  the  train.  They  were  first-class  tickets.  Gilbert 
never  travels  third  now  anywhere,  or  likes  me  to  do 
it.  I  got  in  without  saying  a  word,  and  withdrew 
myself  immediately  to  the  other  side  of  the  compart- 
ment, and  looked  out.  For  quite  half  an  hour  we  did 
not  utter  a  word.  It  was  the  most  ghastly,  appalling 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  329 

silence,  but  I  could  not  have  broken  it  to  save  my  life. 
At  last  Gilbert  did,  after  we  had  passed  the  junction, 
and  the  next  stop  would  be  Helston.  What  he  said 
I  can't  recall  exactly  now,  but  it  was  something  about 
Maud  Lacy  being  in  his  room  on  account  of  her 
investments.  I  did  not  believe  him.  I  did  not  even 
look  at  him  as  I  answered  in  a  voice  I  hardly  rec- 
ognized myself,  that  I  had  no  interest  whatever  in 
Miss  Lacy's  investments. 

"We  came  without  another  spoken  word  to 
Helston,  got  into  one  of  the  flys  waiting,  and  began 
the  two-mile  drive  to  Risden.  At  such  close  quarters 
the  strain  was  trying,  and  I  began  to  talk  very  quickly 
about  Jane's  future  and  what  she  would  be  likely  to 
do.  Gilbert  only  answered  in  monosyllables  —  no 
man  ever  presented  such  a  picture  of  discomfort. 

"It  was  a  frightfully  slow  horse,  but  in  course  of 
time  we  did  arrive  at  the  little  old-world  hamlet,  and 
drew  up  at  the  cottage  door.  Jane  came  out  quickly 
to  welcome  us,  and  then  it  seemed  quite  natural 
that  I  should  shed  tears,  though  they  had  nothing  to 
do  with  the  old  man's  death.  I  did  not  feel  very 
sorry  about  that.  I  was  only  glad  to  get  to  Jane,  to 
look  into  her  dear,  true  eyes,  to  feel  how  good  it  was 
to  be  near  her.  I  did  not  go  with  Gilbert  to  his 
father's  room.  I  felt  that  neither  he  nor  I  was  fit  to 
stand  together  in  the  presence  of  death. 

"When  he  said  he  must  go  back  at  four  o'clock,  I 
simply  said  I  would  stay  with  Jane,  and  had  no  idea 
when  I  would  return." 


CHAPTER  XXI 

"Those  days  at  Risden  with  Jane  did  me  great 
good.  She  is  so  restful  and  at  the  same  time  so 
strong.  She  never  asks  questions,  but  all  the  time  I 
was  conscious  that  she  knew  I  had  something  on  my 
mind,  and  was  trying  to  bear  me  up  by  her  strength. 
She  did  not  speak  much  about  her  father,  but  some 
things  she  said  to  me  the  night  of  the  funeral  after 
Gilbert  had  gone  away  seemed  to  offer  the  key  to  the 
whole  situation. 

"'I  felt  glad  when  his  eyes  closed,  Hessie,  for 
suffering  in  every  form  is  hateful.  I  have  never 
believed  much  in  the  refining-by-fire  process.  It 
seemed  to  me  that  more  palatable  and  less  crude 
methods  might  be  found.  But  in  my  father's  case  I 
saw  its  work.  His  heart  became  literally  purged  and 
clean  like  a  little  child's.  He  went  back  to  God.  I 
don't  mean  it  in  the  canting  sense,  but  my  mother 
was  waiting  for  him,  and  he  was  glad  to  join  her.' 

"I  pondered  much  on  these  words.  They  were 
illuminating  where  human  experience  was  concerned, 
but  at  the  same  time  terrifying.  I  looked  at  her  a 
little  wildly.  '  Do  you  think  it  is  the  only  way,  then, 
Jane?  That  we  have  all  to  go  through  it?' 

"Oh,  yes,  but  some  need  less.     You  should  be 

330 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  331 

immune,  Hessie,  or  very  nearly.  If  there  should  be 
any  truth  in  the  idea  of  reincarnation,  you  are 
certainly  here  for  the  last  time.' 

'"But  why  do  you  say  that?'  I  cried,  craning 
forward  so  that  I  might  see  her  better  where  she 
stood  like  a  seer,  a  sombre  and  striking  figure  in  the 
half-light. 

"'Because  you  are  more  nearly  perfect  than  any 
human  creature  I  have  ever  known ' 

"'Oh,  Jane,  how  can  you  say  that?  You  have  no 
idea  how  full  I  am  of  wicked  and  hateful  thoughts. 
Why,  even  now  I  am  feeling  so  bitter  against  Gilbert 
that  I  have  not  been  able  to  speak  to  him,  even  here, 
in  the  house  of  mourning  and  death.' 

"She  uplifted  her  brows  and  shrugged  her 
shoulders. 

"'Gilbert!  If  you  are  angry  with  him,  it  is  not 
without  cause.  He  is  my  brother,  and  I  love  him 
dearly.  I  am  proud  of  his  success,  too,  but  he  is  not, 
and  never  will  be,  good  enough  for  you.' 

"'Oh,  Jane,  don't  say  these  things!  They  don't 
comfort  me.  They  fill  me  with  a  sadness  that  can't 
be  uttered.  How  have  you  known  all  this?  I  shall 
be  ever  afraid  of  your  keen  eyes  after  this ' 

"'Oh,  no,  you  won't.  Gilbert  is  just  an  average 
man,  a  little  inflated  with  his  own  conceit.  He  will 
have  to  suffer  before  he  is  of  any  use,  and  the  pity  is 
that  not  one  of  us  can  suffer  alone.  After  that,  will 
it  surprise  you  to  hear  that  I  have  written  a  humor- 
ous book?  I  had  to,  living  out  here  in  this  tomb.  I 
was  driven  to  the  act  in  self-defence.  The  publishers 


332  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

are  very  pleased  with  it.  They  have  offered  me  a 
hundred  pounds  on  publication  and  a  small  royalty 
afterwards.  So  you  see  how  much  we  need  somebody 
to  lighten  destiny,  when  anybody  is  found  to  pay 
money  for  my  poor  stuff.' 

"There  was  rather  a  sad,  bitter  note  in  Jane's 
voice,  and  I  seemed  to  realize  in  a  moment  the 
absolute  grayness  of  her  life.  She  was  well  over 
thirty,  and  had  spent  all  these  years  in  serving. 
True,  she  had  had  her  inner  life,  but  very  little 
brightness  as  it  is  generally  understood.  She  had 
never  been  young. 

"How  I  loved  her  as  I  looked  at  her  beautiful  face, 
so  fine  in  its  strength  and  dignity !  Why  was  I  not 
like  that,  instead  of  like  some  poor  wind-flower 
ready  to  bend  before  every  blast?  I  wanted  to  tell 
her  some  of  my  fears  about  Gilbert,  but  something 
kept  me  back,  either  Savonarola's  warning  to 
Romola,  or  some  inward  delicacy  which  shrank  from 
putting  the  sordid  and  the  vulgar  into  actual  form. 
It  was  arranged  that  Jane  should  come  to  us  for 
an  indefinite  visit,  storing  her  furniture.  For  the 
present  she  declined  the  nursery  wing  at  Grey  Gables 
— only  saying  she  would  not  feel  like  settling  any- 
where at  present,  and  that  we  must  all  wait  and  see. 
A  tenant  was  waiting  for  the  Risden  cottage,  for  in 
a  small  village  there  are  seldom  empty  houses.  We 
had  a  beautiful  Sunday  together,  and  when  we  came 
in  from  church  there  was  Gilbert.  He  had  risen 
early,  he  said,  and  cycled  down.  He  was  rather  sub- 
dued, and  seemed  a  little  nervous  about  addressing 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  333 

me.  I  tried  to  be  quite  natural,  but  I  could  not 
kiss  him.  I  simply  could  not.  In  the  afternoon, 
as  we  sat  in  the  pleasant  living  room  to  which  Jane 
had  given  such  a  wonderful  individual  touch,  we  had 
some  visitors.  Carrie  Lacy  brought  her  lover, 
Hubert  Parfitt,  to  see  us.  They  are  to  be  married 
next  week.  I  was  so  glad  to  see  them  both,  and  I 
liked  him  so  much.  A  quiet,  steady  young  man 
with  few  brilliant  faculties,  perhaps,  but  one  can 
trust  him.  His  face  is  so  open  and  kind,  his  eye  so 
clear  and  straight.  Gilbert  and  he  went  away  out 
for  a  stroll,  apparently  very  glad  to  meet  one  another. 
Nobody  had  ever  more  friends  among  men  than  my 
husband.  They  simply  flock  to  him,  all  sorts  and 
conditions;  he  has  something  for  them  all.  It  is 
more  difficult  to  be  a  wife  to  a  popular  man  than  the 
other  kind.  The  wife  of  a  popular  man  has  to  share 
him  with  all  the  world.  Perhaps  I  ought  to  do  it 
more  cheerfully.  I  must  try  again,  beginning  by 
banishing  these  morbid  fears.  Oh,  this  poor  journal ! 
When  I  dare  to  go  back  upon  it  I  find  it  overweighted 
by  'Try,  try,  try  again.'  I  wonder  whether  Gilbert 
has  ever,  in  the  whole  course  of  his  life,  been  depressed 
by  a  sense  of  failure,  or  has  ever  been  in  the  least 
conscious  of  his  shortcomings.  I  never  get  away 
from  mine,  and  I  have  only  set  down  all  these 
outrageously  flattering  things  Jane  said  to  me 
because  they  might  give  me  more  confidence  later  on. 
"Carrie  Lacy  came  in  like  a  gleam  of  real  sunshine. 
She  is  a  dear,  bright  creature,  who  simply  radiates 
happiness.  She  has  had  to  wait  so  long  for  it,  and 


334  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

demolish  so  many  obstacles,  that  perhaps  she  is  now 
more  fitted  for  it.  Ours  was  all  too  rapid,  secured 
perhaps  too  easily,  and  we  knew  so  little  of  one 
another.  While  Jane  went  to  get  tea,  the  one  maid 
having  gone  to  her  people  in  Helston,  Carrie  and  I 
had  a  little  talk. 

"'Everybody  is  so  kind,'  she  said  with  her  pretty 
smile.  'Hubert's  mother  most  of  all.  No,  we  are 
not  going  to  live  at  Gresley,  but  at  the  Dower  House, 
about  half  a  mile  away.  It  is  not  at  all  too  near.  I 
would  not  have  anything  different  for  the  world.' 

"'You  have  served  a  long  probation — how  many 
years?'  I  asked. 

"'We  don't  count  them,  and  they  mean  a  lot  to 
us.  You  see,  they  proved  everything.  It's  like 
digging  deep,  deep  down,  to  find  the  foundation  of 
the  rock.' 

"The  words  struck  home,  though  Carrie  had  not 
the  faintest  notion  of  it. 

"Then  she  began  to  talk  about  the  wedding,  which 
was  to  be  in  St.  Anselm's,  engineered  with  much 
pride  by  Audrey,  Ned's  wife.  Everybody  loved 
Carrie,  and  all  would  be  glad  to  do  her  honor. 

"Florrie  and  the  Babe  are  to  be  her  bridesmaids, 
and  two  white  satin  page  boys  take  her  train — Ned's 
little  boy  and  the  son  of  the  Lady  Fanshawe,  Hubert's 
sister.  Maud  has  had  a  new  costume  for  the 
occasion  from  the  Rue  de  la  Paix,  having  a  chance  to 
show  herself  on  equal  terms  with  the  county  for  the 
first  time.  'It  is  all  very  interesting,  but  what  is 
going  to  become  of  Florrie  and  the  Babe?'  I  asked. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  335 

They  are  to  remain  on  in  the  old  house  in  the  mean- 
time, keeping  the  two  trusted  maids  who  have  been 
with  them  so  long.  Cyril  will  come  to  them  as  often 
as  possible,  and  it  will  be  his  real  home.  But  not  a 
word  of  Maud,  or  her  connection  with  the  family, 
from  whom  she  has  simply  cut  herself  off,  so  far  as 
any  feeling  of  duty  or  responsibility  is  concerned. 
She  claims  her  full  right  to  live  the  life  she  chooses 
without  considering  them.  All  this  bright  talk  has 
been  good  for  us,  and  we  had  a  delightful  tea-hour. 
I  felt  a  kind  of  envy  of  Carrie  as  we  watched  her 
go  off  on  her  lover's  arm.  She  is  so  proud,  because 
immediately  they  return  from  their  honeymoon  they 
have  to  go  on  an  electioneering  campaign.  Hubert 
is  standing  for  the  Norfolk  constituency  his  maternal 
grandfather  represented  so  long.  I  see  Carrie,  with 
her  demure,  bewitching  face  smiling  on  platforms 
beside  her  lover-husband;  I  can  even  picture  her 
a  power  in  a  London  political  drawing  room.  It  is 
all  delightful.  It  lifts  me  up  to  meet  real  happiness. 
These  two  will  never  be  disappointed  in  one  another. 
As  Carrie  says,  their  house  is  built  on  the  rock. 

•  *•••••• 

"We  are  all  at  home  at  Grey  Gables  again.  Jane 
is  occupying  the  blue  spare  room,  but  though  I  have 
pointed  out  to  her  the  advantages  of  the  nursery 
wing,  and  the  possibilities  of  the  third  room  as  a  den 
for  herself,  she  only  shakes  her  head. 

"I  wonder  whether  she  knows  that  Gilbert  is 
opposed  to  the  idea  of  her  making  a  permanent  home 
with  us  ?  He  was  rather  cross  about  it,  but  could  not 


336  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

find  any  valid  reason  why  she  shouldn't  stay  on, 
except  that  stupid  one  that  married  people  are  best 
alone.  When  anybody  is  as  much  alone  as  I  have 
been  all  these  years,  almost  any  companionship  is 
welcome.  I  remember  a  long  time  ago  reading  an 
extraordinary  article  in  one  of  those  weird,  ephemeral 
papers  which  spring  up  and  record  all  sorts  of 
unchronicled  things.  It  was  called  'An  Unsuspected 
Danger  of  Suburban  Life.'  Struck  by  the  title,  I 
read  on,  and  the  thing  left  a  bad  taste  in  my  mouth. 
It  pointed  out  the  loneliness  and  isolation  of  the 
ordinary  suburban  wife — the  hours  she  is  left  alone,  a 
prey  to  her  own  morbid  thoughts,  and  to  any  chance 
temptation.  It  showed  up  how  many  hours  she 
could  spend  gadding  about  London,  ostensibly 
shopping — her  only  concern  to  get  back  in  time  to 
receive  her  husband  at  night.  The  article  called  for 
account  of  all  these  foolish  and  wasted  hours,  and 
uttered  a  warning  to  the  complacent  and  unsuspect- 
ing husbands.  The  whole  tone  of  the  article  was 
objectionable,  and  I  felt  that  it  was  wholly  unjustified 
and  unnecessary.  But  there  was  just  the  germ  of 
truth  in  it.  It  is  true  that  a  great  many  women, 
partially  educated,  and  with  no  very  exalted  views 
of  life,  bent  only  on  having  a  good  time,  especially  in 
the  few  years  when  they  are  most  attractive  them- 
selves, and  quick  to  appreciate  attraction  in  others, 
may  be  tempted  to  philandering  away  from  their 
homes.  There  is  so  little  to  prevent  it.  Half  the 
time  now  Gilbert  never  dreams  of  asking  what  I 
have  been  doing  with  myself  during  the  long  days  he 


337 

is  absent  in  the  city.     He  vaguely  supposes,  I  think, 
that  I  go  out  to  tea  and  attend  meetings. 

"There  is  something  about  it  all  not  quite  normal 
or  as  it  ought  to  be.  If  Grey  Gables  were  full  of  boys 
and  girls,  it  would  all  be  so  different ;  we  would  have 
so  many  to  think  about  and  work  and  plan  for. 
Every  moment  would  be  full,  every  faculty  engaged 
to  its  utmost  capacity.  We  have  too  much  money, 
and  our  minds  too  much  leisure.  Also  we  have 
become  independent  of  one  another.  I  am  obliged 
to  order  my  days  without  reference  to  Gilbert.  He 
so  seldom  needs  or  wants  me.  When  he  is  not  at  the 
bank  he  is  attending  company  meetings  in  such 
places  as  the  Cannon  Street  Hotel,  or  dinners  of 
financial  men.  He  is  talking  of  joining  a  Syndicate 
at  present,  which  wants  to  exploit  mines  in  Siberia. 
Some  men  came  to  golf  and  lunch  here  one  Sunday — 
it  is  long  since  Gilbert  started  Sunday  golf — and  they 
talked  of  nothing  else.  When  we  got  out  from  lunch, 
Jane  made  me  get  dressed  and  go  for  a  tramp  over 
Hampstead  Heath  with  her.  When  we  came  round 
by  the  White  Stone  Pond  the  Salvation  Army  was 
holding  a  meeting,  and  the  singing  drew  us.  We 
stood  still  and  listened,  and  presently  joined  in.  It 
was  that  lovely  old  hymn: 

'When  I  survey  the  wondrous  cross 
On  which  the  Prince  of  glory  died!' 

It  was  only  crude  singing,  and  the  band  did  not  strike 
in  tune,  but  it  had  a  certain  rude  impressiveness.  It 
stirred  us  both.  I  saw  that  Jane's  eyes  were  full  of 
tears  as  we  turned  away. 

22 


338  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

'"They've  got  hold  of  the  real  thing,  Hessie,'  she 
said  quietly.  '  There  isn't  a  doubt  but  that  the  Cross 
is  the  lever,  the  only  one  that  really  counts  or 
matters ' 

"Jane  likes  the  Yuills,  and  they  like  her.  She 
very  often  goes  across  to  The  Yews  without  me.  I 
have  a  little  innocent  plot  in  my  heart  for  her — that 
she  should  marry  Andrew;  then  Christina  would  go 
back  to  her  dear  Glen  Isla.  I  have  always  thought 
it  would  be  a  lovely  arrangement;  now  I  am  simply 
determined  it  must  come  to  pass.  Just  think  what 
it  would  mean  to  me  to  have  Jane  in  the  house 
opposite,  to  know  I  could  get  her  at  a  moment's 
notice!  Gilbert  says  it  will  never  happen,  and 
advises  me  to  keep  off  match-making.  He  seems 
just  lately  to  dislike  Mr.  Yuill  more  and  more,  and 
to  find  nothing  good  to  say  about  him.  We  have 
been  discussing  holidays,  and  it  seems  that  Gilbert 
may  have  to  take  part  of  his  in  going  to  Russia  on 
the  Syndicate's  business.  How  I  should  love  to  go 
to  Russia,  to  polish  up  my  French,  and  see  my  old 
friend  Claire  Destinn,  who  is  a  resident  governess  in 
the  family  of  one  of  the  Archdukes — I  think  I  shall 
ask  Gilbert  to  take  me  when  he  speaks  of  it  again. 

"He  came  in  one  day  very  much  pleased  because 
he  had  travelled  out  in  the  train  with  Mr.  Yuill  and 
he  had  invited  him  to  Glen  Isla  in  August. 

" '  I  never  was  more  surprised  in  my  life,  Kid,  for 
I  thought  the  immaculate  and  pious  Andrew  was  as 
much  off  me  as  I  was  off  him.  Would  you  like  to  go  ? ' 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  339 

"I  said  at  once  that  I  should  simply  love  it. 

"'I  told  him  I  rather  thought  you  and  Jane  were 
going  off  somewhere  on  your  own  this  summer.  But 
it  seems  he  doesn't  want  us  till  August.  I  dare  say 
it  can  be  arranged.' 

' ' '  Did  he  say  anything  about  Jane  ? '  I  asked  eagerly. 

'"The  invitation  included  her.' 

"I  clapped  my  hands. 

'"Oh,  Gilbert,  that  will  be  nice — so  much  nicer 
than  spending  our  holidays  apart.' 

'"Were  we  going  to  do  that?'  he  asked  whimsi- 
cally. 'Only  a  part  of  them,  I  think.  It's  a  dead 
cert  that  I'll  have  to  take  two  weeks  with  the 
Syndicate  at  Petersburg.' 

'"Take  me,  Gilbert.  I  have  always  wanted  to  see 
Russia.  I  speak  French  perfectly,  and  I  might  be  a 
help ' 

"He  shook  his  head  and  looked  away — anywhere 
but  at  me. 

' ' '  Can't  be  done,  Hessie.  They  'd  kick  at  the  idea 
of  a  woman  joining  the  party.  You  see,  it 's  pure  dry 
business  and  nothing  else,  chiefly  kicking  our  heels 
in  ante-rooms  belonging  to  officials  trying  to  get  near 
the  Czar.' 

'"Then  why  is  Maud  Lacy  going?' 

"The  words  were  out  before  I  could  help  myself, 
and  I  felt  my  cheeks  burning,  my  hands  hot,  and 
trembling  too. 

'"Who  said  she  was  going?' 

"'Cyril  told  us  last  Sunday.  He  seemed  very 
much  surprised  at  it.' 


340  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

'"I  shall  have  to  talk  to  Cyril.  He's  a  meddling 
young  ass,'  said  Gilbert,  still  looking  away.  'She 
has  spoken  about  it,  but  nothing  is  settled.  She's 
interested  in  the  venture,  and  prepared  to  put  money 
in  it.  It  was  Cardigan  who  started  the  idea  of  her 
going.  He's  great  on  the  value  of  a  woman's 
intuition.' 

' '  I  knew  that  Gilbert  was  not  telling  me  the  truth, 
that  all  along  he  had  lied  to  me  about  Maud  Lacy.  I 
could  not  say  another  word. 

"When  he  spoke  again  his  voice  had  an  eager, 
uneasy  ring. 

"'Don't  worry  your  head  about  things  you  don't 
understand,  and  which  don't  matter  in  the  very  least. 
If  I  go  to  Russia  at  all,  it  will  only  be  to  pacify  the 
others,  and  take  a  sort  of  inventory  of  the  situation ;  I 
can't  afford  to  kick  my  heels  in  ante-rooms.  It 's  for 
millionaires  like  Cardigan.  I  don't  for  a  moment 
expect  that  Miss  Lacy  will  go.  It  will  be  too  slow  for 
her.  If  you  and  Jane  fix  on  your  summer  quarters, 
I  '11  come  and  join  you  for  a  fortnight  and  give  you 
the  time  of  your  lives.  Have  you  thought  of  a 
place?  I've  heard  that  the  golf  is  very  good  at  Le 
Touquet.' 

'"Jane  has  written  to  the  convent  at  St.  Jacques, 
asking  if  they  can  take  us  for  a  few  weeks.  Miss 
Yuill  may  go  with  us,  but  nothing  is  settled.' 

"I  walked  out  of  the  room  as  I  spoke,  for  my  heart 
was  too  sore,  my  spirit  too  perturbed  to  bear  it  any 
longer.  We  did  not  speak  of  it  again  until  Jane  heard 
definitely  from  St.  Jacques  and  we  had  to  arrange  our 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  341 

dates.  Gilbert  then  told  me  in  front  of  her,  and  I 
imagined  a  touch  of  defiance  in  his  voice,  that  he 
was  leaving  for  Russia  with  the  Syndicate  the  day 
after  us. 

"Gilbert  and  his  sister  have  not  been  getting  on 
well  together  of  late.  There  is  a  sort  of  cold  hostility 
in  their  manner  toward  one  another,  and  Gilbert 
has  told  me  that  what  he  calls  the  'three-cornered' 
arrangement  must  cease  after  the  holidays.  I  shall 
miss  her  frightfully,  but  I  see  that  perhaps  it  will  be 
best. 

"Babette  leaves  us  for  good  to  marry  her  Grenoble 
farmer  in  October.  Agnes  will  go  home  to  Scotland 
for  her  holiday,  and  we  shall  pick  her  up  on  our  way 
back  from  Brean.  The  young  housemaid  is  taking 
another  situation  to  'better  herself,'  and  my  house- 
hold seems  to  have  become  disintegrated  of  its  own 
accord.  We  leave  Grey  Gables  in  charge  of  Ricketts, 
the  gardener,  and  his  wife,  and  they  will  look  after 
my  dear  dogs,  Crony  and  Mac. 

"It  seems  terrible  to  have  written  so  many  pages 
in  this  journal  without  mentioning  the  Scotch  terriers 
Christina  gave  me  as  a  Christmas  present  for  the 
first  Christmas  at  Grey  Gables.  They  were  bred  at 
Brean,  and  have  long  pedigrees.  They  are  such 
dears,  so  wise  and  thoughtful  and  loyal,  with  their 
pathetic  eyes  and  dignified  characters.  Some  might 
think  it  absurd  to  speak  of  a  dog's  dignity,  but  my 
two  have  more  dignity  than  many  humans  I  have 
met.  They  are  devoted  to  me  and  to  Gilbert.  But 
I  am  sure  he  would  make  more  of  them  if  they  had 


342  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE 

come  from  anybody  but  the  Yuills.  They  are  very 
unhappy  these  days,  feeling  the  unrest  of  the  house, 
and  resenting  our  frequent  visits  and  consultations  in 
the  box  room. 

"We  return  for  one  night  only  to  get  warmer 
clothes  for  Glen  Isla,  to  which  we  go  in  the  first  week 
of  August.  There  will  be  a  small  house-party  there, 
which  will  be  quite  a  new  experience  for  me.  Jane  is 
looking  forward  to  it  too.  She  is  most  frightfully 
sisterly  and  kind  to  me  in  these  days,  thinking 
evidently  that  I  need  taking  care  of.  It  has  amused 
me  to  discover  that  she  thinks  I  am  not  strong. 
Sometimes  I  have  an  odd  fluttering  at  my  heart,  and 
I  can't  go  quickly  upstairs.  Always  now  there  seems 
to  be  more  or  less  of  a  weight  just  there — at  my  heart, 
I  mean.  Perhaps  I  have  brooded  too  much.  All  the 
time  I  have  such  a  feeling  of  insecurity,  as  if  my 
house  had  no  right  foundation.  My  husband  has 
told  me  so  many  things  which  I  have  afterwards 
found  not  to  be  true,  that  now  I  cannot  believe  him 
as  I  used  to.  It  is  always  about  little  things,  about 
where  he  has  been,  and  the  hours  he  keeps,  and  then 
I  wonder  why  he  cannot  be  quite  honest  about  it. 
I  have  never  been  a  grisling  woman,  or  one  to 
reproach  him.  I  have  always  understood  that  men 
must  have  latitude  in  all  their  movements,  that  any 
sort  of  espionage,  even  if  it  only  arises  out  of  a 
woman's  love,  raises  the  devil  in  them.  I  have 
seen  it  once  or  twice  just  lately  in  Gilbert's  eyes,  and 
it  has  made  me  very,  very  quiet.  My  heart  is  very 
tired,  surely,  and  its  sadness  is  absolute. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN  LIFE  343 

"For  I  have  failed  in  the  very  place  where  I  ought 
to  have  succeeded.  For  what  is  the  use  of  religion 
to  a  woman  unless  it  can  sanctify  her  own  home,  and 
doubly  bless  those  she  loves?  There  must  be  some- 
thing wrong  with  mine,  that  I  have  walked  beside  my 
husband  all  these  years  without  making  the  smallest 
impression.  He  cares  far,  far  less  for  all  the  things 
that  matter  than  he  did  at  the  beginning.  Surely  the 
fault  is  mine.  On  this  the  last  night  in  my  home  for 
a  time  I  pray  God  once  more  to  show  me  the  way,  to 
make  it  so  clear  that  I  cannot  possibly  get  astray. 
Just  lately  I  have  felt  that  God  does  not  help  women 
enough — does  not  reveal  the  purpose  of  life  suffi- 
ciently to  them.  But,  again,  in  all  this  there  may  be 
some  hidden  purpose  which  I  shall  know  one  day. 
This  morning,  in  a  little  anthology  of  verse  somebody 
sent  me  last  Christmas,  I  found  this,  and  it  serves 
for  a  moment's  comfort.  It  was  written  by  the 
Norwegian  poet  Bjornson: 

" '  Rejoice  when  thou  dost  see 
God  take  thy  things  from  thee; 
When  thy  props  are  laid  low, 
And  friend  turns  to  foe; 
"Pis  but  because  now 
God  seeth  that  thou 
No  longer  on  crutches  must  go. 

Each  here 

Whom  he  setteth  alone, 
He  Himself  is  most  near.'" 


CHAPTER  XXII 

' '  I  am  writing  this  sitting  on  an  old  gnarled  bench 
in  the  courtyard  of  the  convent  at  St.  Jacques.  It  is 
so  beautiful  and  so  restful  here,  it  seems  sufficient  to 
be  alive.  Jane  and  Christina  have  gone  down  to 
bathe,  and  I  envy  them  so  much ;  but  it  is  better  for 
me  not  to  go  with  them.  We  all  made  rather  fetch- 
ing bathing-gowns  before  we  left  Finchley,  but  I  have 
only  worn  mine  once.  I  felt  so  ill  after  my  first 
experience  of  the  sea,  though  it  was  so  kindly,  that 
they  have  never  allowed  me  to  go  in  again. 

' '  We  all  like  life  in  the  convent  very  much,  though 
sometimes  it  makes  us  feel  rather  like  little  girls  at 
school. 

"We  are  cared  for  and  waited  on  by  the  sweet- 
faced,  soft-voiced  nuns,  and  everything  goes  on  just 
like  clockwork.  The  routine  does  not  fret  us  in  the 
least;  we  have  come  for  a  rest,  and  there  is  nothing 
here  to  hinder.  Some  of  the  visitors  dislike  it  very 
much,  however,  and  the  talkative  American  woman's 
husband,  after  four  days,  broke  into  open  rebellion, 
and  has  gone  away  to  Paris. 

"I  don't  think  she  minds  at  all;  in  fact,  she  has 
just  been  telling  me  that  it  is  a  relief  not  to  have  him 
'around,'  as  she  expresses  it.  These  Americans  seem 

344 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  345 

so  queer  and  detached  in  their  matrimonial  ideas. 

"I  am  quite  alone  here  in  the  quiet,  sunny  court- 
yard, for  after  breakfast  every  one  naturally  goes  to 
the  beach  or  on  to  the  little  plage.  Once  or  twice 
a  nun  glides  across  the  soft  grass,  but  she  does  not 
seek  to  interrupt  me  even  by  a  smile.  They  have 
a  reverence  for  silence.  One  feels  that  in  their  own 
lives  they  have  proved  its  value  to  the  uttermost. 
There  is  such  peace  on  their  faces  that  one  can  hardly 
help  envying  them.  Sister  Agathe,  who  has  just 
glided  by  to  the  refectory,  looks  as  if  she  had  passed 
through  all  kinds  of  poignant  experiences  and  had 
conquered  them  all. 

"I  wonder  whether  the  religious  life,  as  these 
sisters  understand  it,  is  not,  after  all,  the  best  for 
some  women?  They  give  their  whole  lives  to  the 
care  and  service  of  others,  and  are  at  least  immune 
from  certain  kinds  of  suffering.  Neither  Jane  nor 
Christina  Yuill  will  allow  me  to  speak  like  that. 
Miss  Yuill  has  all  the  old  Presbyterian  dislike  and 
distrust  of  what  she  calls  Papists,  though  I  think, 
since  we  came  here,  her  views  have  become  a  good 
deal  modified. 

"That  I  think  is  not  to  be  wondered  at,  as  it 
would  not  be  possible  to  live  under  the  same  roof 
with  these  devoted  women  without  learning  to 
reverence  their  saintliness,  their  love  for  the  poor,  and 
their  complete  surrender  of  themselves  to  the  service 
of  others. 

"We  live  the  simple  life  indeed,  getting  up 
early,  eating  plain  food,  which,  however,  is  always 


346  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

temptingly  cooked  and  served,  and  calculated  to 
teach  even  the  most  successful  and  ambitious  house- 
wives the  value  of  little  things. 

"We  go  to  bed  at  nine,  when  the  convent  gates 
are  shut,  and  everybody  has  to  be  indoors.  It  was 
the  shutting  of  the  gates  against  which  the  American 
kicked.  He  said  he  guessed  he  didn't  reckon  to  pay 
seven  dollars  a  week  for  the  privilege  of  being  shut 
up  in  jail. 

"I  am  rather  afraid  that  Gilbert  would  be  of  the 
American's  opinion  if  he  had  to  submit  to  these 
regulations,  against  which  there  is  no  appeal.  He 
has  arrived  at  St.  Petersburg,  and  I  have  had  two 
letters  rather  full  of  his  experiences.  He  devotes  a 
good  deal  of  space  to  descriptions  of  St.  Petersburg, 
with  the  dignity  and  beauty  of  which  he  seems  much 
impressed. 

"He  does  not  write  very  hopefully  about  the 
business  of  the  Syndicate.  It  seems  to  be  a  very  slow 
and  difficult  process  getting  anywhere  near  the  Czar. 
He  also  says  that  Cardigan,  at  least,  will  have  to 
take  up  his  quarters  indefinitely  at  St.  Petersburg, 
and  simply  await  the  Czar's  pleasure.  Can  it  be 
worth  while,  one  wonders,  even  for  the  sake  of  making 
more  money  ?  All  the  members  of  the  Syndicate  are 
rich  men  already.  I  suppose  my  own  husband  is 
the  poorest,  and  now  we  cannot  spend  the  half  of 
what  he  makes.  What  is  the  use  of  it  all?  I  keep 
asking  myself.  So  far  as  I  have  been  able  to  discover, 
none  of  them  put  it  to  any  useful  purpose;  they 
simply  spend  it  on  their  own  selfish  enjoyment, 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  347 

trying  to  get  what  they  call  'a  good  time,'  which, 
being  interpreted,  means  getting  more  and  more 
things  for  themselves.  Yet  none  of  them  seem  to  be 
happy.  I  have  seen  them  all,  and  listened  to  their 
talk,  and  they  only  seem  dissatisfied  because  they 
can't  invent  new  ways  of  getting  money.  Gilbert 
has  become  infected  with  this  fearful  restlessness, 
and  seems  to  be  happy  only  when  he  is  what  he  calls 
full  of  business.  He  is  quite  as  bad  as  the  American 
millionaires  we  read  about,  who  have  sacrificed 
everything  in  the  pursuit  of  wealth. 

"Human  beings  can't  have  been  intended  to  live 
like  that,  even  a  section  of  them.  There  are  im- 
planted in  every  one  of  us  certain  yearnings  after  the 
infinite,  and  when  we  voluntarily  crush  them,  as 
most  of  these  men  seem  to  do,  why,  then,  we  are  so 
much  the  poorer  that  there  are  no  words  adequate 
to  express  our  poverty. 

"The  saddest  part  of  it  all  is  that  they  are  all 
quite  unconscious  of  their  own  poverty,  but  are 
convinced  that  they  are  splendid,  clever  fellows, 
getting  the  utmost  out  of  life. 

"There  are  so  many  differing  standards  of  living, 
and  every  individual  is  convinced  that  his  or  her 
standard  is  the  best. 

"It  is  all  very  confusing,  and  sometimes  one's 
heart  gets  quite  tired. 

"Gilbert  has  not  said  anything  about  coming  to 
St.  Jacques.  In  his  last  letter  he  laid  a  good  deal  of 
stress  on  the  slow  progress  of  the  Russian  mission, 
and  how  most  of  them  hate  to  be  kicking  their  heels 


348  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

in  a  baking  capital  instead  of  taking  a  normal 
holiday. 

"He  has  not  mentioned  Maud  Lacy's  name,  but 
somehow  I  seem  to  know  inside  of  me  that  she  is 
there. 

"It  is  very  terrible  for  one  human  being  to  feel 
toward  another  as  I  do  toward  Maud  Lacy.  It  is 
so  like  hatred  that  it  could  not  truly  be  called  by  any 
other  name. 

"The  Bible  says  quite  distinctly  and  clearly  that 
'whoso  hateth  his  brother  is  a  murderer.'  Not  one 
extenuating  circumstance  is  allowed. 

"Sometimes  it  is  very  hard  to  follow  in  the  steps 
of  Jesus ;  poor  human  nature  is  not  capable  of  rising 
spontaneously  to  such  heights.  I  have  tried  to  be 
sorry  for  Maud  Lacy,  to  pity  her  for  all  she  is  missing 
in  life ;  then  the  woman  part  of  me  rises  in  revolt,  and 
tells  me  she  gets  all  she  wants  or  cares  for  in  the 
world,  simply  because  she  thinks  of  no  one  but  her- 
self. And  I  go  without.  There  are  days  when  I 
wish  almost  passionately  that  I  had  been  born,  if  not 
like  her,  at  least  less  sensitive.  Gilbert  has  more 
than  once  called  me  morbid.  Once  when  I  was 
feeling  unusually  bitter,  I  retorted  that  if  I  was  really 
morbid,  then  he  had  made  me  so.  It  is  only  in  the 
last  few  years,  since  I  have  slowly  parted  with 
confidence  in  him,  that  I  have  become  a  prey  to 
morbid  thoughts.  God  alone  knows  how  hard  I 
have  tried  to  fight  against  it  all! 

"But  outside  forces  seem  too  strong  for  me.  Just 
lately  I  have  become  quite  conscious  of  a  strange 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  349 

weakening  of  the  will,  a  disposition  to  let  everything 
drift.  I  might  liken  myself  to  a  ship  that  has  been 
so  long  buffeted  by  adverse  winds  that  it  has  lost  the 
power  of  resistance.  Perhaps  it  is  only  that  I  am  a 
little  run  down  and  out  of  health.  Both  Jane  and 
Christina  persist  in  treating  me  as  if  I  were  a  sort  of 
invalid,  and  somehow  I  just  let  them ;  but  so  ungrate- 
ful and  unappreciative  are  we  sometimes  that  I 
would  give  all  their  cosseting  for  one  hour,  just  one 
of  the  old  jolly  hours  of  comradeship  with  Gilbert. 
Now  I  am  crying  a  1ittle,  which  Jane  has  absolutely 
forbidden.  I  shall  put  this  away  and  take  a  little 
walk  on  the  plage;  perhaps  I  shall  meet  them  coming 
back  from  their  dip.  The  letters  have  come  in,  and 
there  are  two  for  Christina.  I  had  better  take 
them  to  her. 

"A  letter  has  arrived  from  Mr.  Yuill,  and  he  is 
coming  to  St.  Jacques  to-morrow.  Christina  read 
out  a  bit  of  his  letter  in  which  he  says  London  is  a 
howling  wilderness  without  us  all,  and  that  he  wishes 
it  was  time  to  go  to  Brean. 

'"He  asks  very  specially  for  you,  Mrs.  Trent,' 
she  said.  'When  he  comes  to-morrow  he'll  see  for 
himself  what  a  poor  jimpy  crater  you  are  getting.  It 
is  indeed  high  time  we  had  you  at  Brean  to  try  and 
put  a  bit  of  flesh  on  your  bones.' 

"I  just  laughed  as  I  always  did  at  Christina's 
quaint  phraseology,  but  when  we  got  back  to  the 
convent,  and  went  to  our  rooms  to  tidy  ourselves  for 
dejeuner,  I  could  not  help  seeing  in  the  queer  little 
convex  mirror  on  the  wall,  which  is  all  I  have  to  dress 


350  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

by,  that  I  really  am  much  thinner  than  I  used  to  be 
or  have  ever  been. 

"I  hope  Gilbert  won't  mind,  but  most  probably 
he  will  never  notice  it  at  all.  This  morning,  when  I 
awoke,  a  horrible  thought  presented  itself  to  my  mind 
and  positively  refused  to  go  away.  I  felt  so  worn  out 
and  so  little  inclined  to  get  up  that  quite  suddenly  I 
began  to  wonder  whether  I  might  be  going  into  a 
decline. 

"Then  Gilbert  would  be  free  and  would  marry 
Maud  Lacy  and  take  her  to  ou^  dear  home,  and  she 
would  have  all  my  things  and  turn  them  over  and 
criticize  all  its  arrangements  and  laugh  at  my  old- 
maidish  ways.  And,  above  all,  she  would  have 
Gilbert.  It  was  such  a  hateful  thought  that  I 
jumped  out  of  bed  immediately,  and  began  to  dress 
quite  fast,  telling  myself  such  a  thing  should  never 
happen.  I  repeated  it,  as  I  looked  at  my  thin  pale 
cheeks  in  the  little  old  mirror,  and  made  up  my  mind 
to  ask  Sister  Agathe  immediately  for  quantities  of 
cream  to  drink  so  that  I  may  get  quite  fat  before  I 
see  Gilbert  again. 

"It  is  quite  delightful  having  Mr.  Yuill  here.  He 
is  so  big  and  strong  and  wholesome.  I  see  all  the 
women  losing  their  hearts  to  him  on  the  spot.  We 
tease  him  dreadfully  because  the  talkative  American 
has  annexed  him,  or  rather  has  tried  very  hard.  He 
is  certainly  very  clever  at  getting  rid  of  her,  without 
giving  the  smallest  offence.  All  the  old  people  and 
the  children  are  devoted  to  him,  which  I  always  think 
is  the  supreme  test  of  a  man. 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  351 

"He  does  not  in  the  least  mind  the  convent  life, 
and  just  laughs  at  the  idea  that  we  are  all  shut  in  at 
night,  behind  the  big  gates,  like  children  that  need  to 
be  kept  out  of  mischief.  He  organized  all  sorts  of 
delightful  excursions  while  he  was  here,  and  we  were 
very  sorry  when  on  the  fifth  day  he  said  he  would 
have  to  go  to  Paris  to  meet  a  man  on  business. 

"He  is  just  as  full  of  affairs  as  Gilbert,  but  some- 
how he  does  not  convey  the  impression  that  there  is 
nothing  else  worth  while  in  the  world.  He  has 
always  time  for  other  things. 

' '  He  asked  me  only  once  whether  I  was  expecting 
Gilbert,  and  when  I  started  out  to  explain  how  the 
Syndicate  might  keep  him  for  the  greater  part  of  his 
holiday,  he  made  his  lips  into  a  long  thin  line,  what 
we  call  his  'Scotch  mouth.'  We  all  went  in  the 
diligence  with  him  to  the  station,  and  our  next 
meeting  will,  if  all  goes  well,  be  at  Glen  Isla. 

"  I  do  love  to  watch  the  village  women  here.  They 
seem  to  talk  so  little  and  to  think  so  much.  I  have 
had  a  good  many  chats  with  them,  and  my  fluent 
French  is,  I  believe,  the  only  possession  which  Jane 
envies  me.  It  certainly  makes  a  very  great  difference 
to  one's  enjoyment  of  a  place  like  this.  Some  of 
the  women  have  such  sad  faces,  but  when  one  talks 
to  them  they  are  not  in  the  least  sad.  Their  faith 
is  so  amazing,  in  its  way  almost  sublime.  Yet 
they  live  in  great  poverty,  dependent  on  the  sea, 
which  is  not  always  kind. 

"One  woman  to  whom  I  have  talked  a  great  deal 
has  lost  her  husband  and  three  sons  at  sea,  yet  her 


352  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

face  is  quite  sunshiny,  and  she  talks  with  simple  rever- 
ence about  'le  bon  Dieu,'  Who  doeth  all  things  well. 

' '  Mr.  Yuill  left  us  at  noon  on  Thursday,  and  about 
six  next  evening  Gilbert  arrived  without  any  warning. 
Jane  and  Christina  had  gone  for  a  day's  excursion 
with  some  of  the  people  stopping  in  the  convent,  and 
I  was  sitting  all  by  myself  in  a  sheltered  nook  I  had 
discovered  on  the  bents.  I  had  just  looked  at  my 
watch,  and,  seeing  that  it  was  nearly  six,  I  began  to 
roll  up  my  work.  And  when  I  turned  round,  lo! 
there  was  Gilbert !  It  made  me  feel  quite  foolish  for 
a  moment.  I  had  been  thinking  about  him,  of 
course — when  do  I  not  think  about  him?  but  some- 
how I  had  got  resigned  to  the  idea  that  he  would  not 
come  to  St.  Jacques. 

"His  greeting  was  very  grave,  but  I  felt  so  ridicu- 
lously glad  to  see  him  that  after  a  minute  or  two  he 
drew  me  down  on  the  bents  and  we  began  to  talk  of 
everything  that  has  happened  in  the  last  three  weeks. 
He  told  me  a  good  deal  about  St.  Petersburg,  and  how 
he  had  travelled  twenty  miles  into  the  country  to  see 
Claire  Destinn,  just  because  he  thought  it  would 
please  me.  He  was  not  successful,  however,  only 
arriving  at  the  Grand  Duke's  country  house  to  hear 
that  they  had  all  gone  away  to  his  summer  palace  in 
the  Caucasus. 

"I  did  not  mind  in  the  least  that  he  did  not  see 
Claire;  the  mere  fact  that  he  thought  of  it  and 
wanted  to  do  it  for  my  sake  made  me  ridiculously 
happy.  All  my  fears  and  distrust  seemed  to  die  a 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  353 

natural  death,  and  I  didn't  care  for  anything  except 
that  I  had  got  my  husband  back. 

"When  we  got  up  to  walk  back  to  the  convent,  I 
told  him  that  he  had  just  missed  Mr.  Yuill  by  a  few 
hours.  But  he  made  me  no  answer,  and  there  was 
the  queerest  look  on  his  face. 

"I  can't  tell  how  proud  I  felt  at  the  dinner  table 
that  night,  when  Gilbert  and  I  entered  the  salle  a 
manger  together,  and  everybody  looked  at  us;  he  is 
so  big  and  handsome,  and  I  have  never  seen  him 
look  better.  Certainly  his  holiday  has  done  him  the 
greatest  possible  good. 

"All  my  morbid  imaginings  have  disappeared,  and 
I  am  going  to  be  as  happy  as  I  know  how  in  the  next 
few  days.  I  do  hope  Gilbert  will  like  this  place;  I 
could  be  so  happy  with  him  here.  He  seemed  in 
great  spirits  at  dinner,  and  kept  the  whole  table 
lively.  The  American  woman  was  very  amusing 
about  him  when  we  were  having  coffee  in  the  court- 
yard. 

"Say,  however  have  you  kept  so  plum  silent 
about  that  husband  of  yours?' 

' '  I  replied  that  I  did  not  think  anybody  would  be 
interested  in  hearing  about  a  man  they  had  never  seen. 

" 'That's  just  where  you  make  a  mistake.  And  I 
tell  you  what,  if  he  belonged  to  me,  I'd  take  good 
care  that  I  didn't  let  him  too  long  out  of  my  sight. 
Now  with  our  Popper  it's  quite  different.  Nobody 
would  ever  want  to  run  off  with  him.' 

"I  made  Gilbert  laugh  a  little  over  it,  but  already 
he  is  not  inclined  to  laugh  much.  We  spent  all  the 

23 


354  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

morning  together  on  the  sand  dunes,  while  Jane  and 
Miss  Yuill  very  considerately  went  off  on  another 
expedition.  Before  the  day  was  over,  he  said  he  had 
had  enough  of  St.  Jacques,  and  that  we  should  start 
out  for  London  next  day. 

"I  felt  rather  distressed  at  this,  and  tried  to  point 
out  that  it  was  not  quite  kind  to  break  up  the  party 
like  that. 

"Then  he  was  quite  horrid,  and  said  that  if  I 
preferred  them  to  him,  I  was  at  perfect  liberty  to 
stop,  but  that  he  was  leaving  in  the  morning.  Then 
I  spoke  about  our  coming  visit  to  Glen  Isla,  and  that 
we  could  not  be  so  rude  and  inconsiderate  to  Miss 
YuiU. 

'"I'm  not  going  to  Scotland  this  year;  I've  had 
all  the  holiday  I  want,  or  am  likely  to  get.' 

' '  I  know  I  must  have  looked  blankly  dismayed  at 
this,  but  all  the  while  he  did  not  look  at  me. 

"'You  can  go  to  Scotland,  of  course.  It  is  you 
they  want,  anyhow.  Where  the  Yuills  are  con- 
cerned, I'm  nothing  more  than  an  appendage.' 

"Something  has  happened,  and  everything  is  all 
wrong  again. 

"We  return  to  London  to-morrow. 

"I  am  writing  this  at  Glen  Isla,  and  for  the 
moment  all  my  past  life  seems  like  a  dream. 

"I  am  unable  to  account  for  this  strange  detach- 
ment of  spirit  which  has  cut  me  off  from  all  that  made 
me  suffer. 

"It  is  not  merely  that  my  husband  and  I  are 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  355 

parted  by  nearly  five  hundred  miles  of  distance ;  it  is 
something  which  has  little  connection  with  the  things 
of  time.  I  feel  somehow  as  if  I  were  done  with  it  all, 
as  if  nothing  could  have  the  power  to  hurt  or  vex  me 
any  more. 

"It  cannot  mean  that  I  am  going  to  die,  for  I 
have  never  felt  better  in  my  life.  They  all  tease  me 
about  getting  fat,  and  I  have  got  such  a  color  in 
my  face.  Perhaps  it  is  the  spell  of  this  place.  It  is 
very  wonderful,  and  Christina  did  not  say  half 
enough  about  it. 

"It  would  not  be  possible  for  me  to  attempt  any 
description  of  it.  I  should  have  to  search  about  for 
fresh  words.  The  only  two  that  seem  at  all  ade- 
quate are  majesty  and  peace. 

"  It  is  as  if  the  peace  which  passes  understanding 
had  sunk  into  my  soul. 

"Nothing  mean  or  small  or  sordid  can  live  in  these 
noble  solitudes,  which  are  as  fresh  from  the  hand  of 
God  as  when  He  gave  them  first.  I  spend  hours  on 
the  hill  behind  the  house  alone,  and  now  they  don't 
seek  to  hinder  me,  I  suppose  because  they  have  dis- 
covered that  there  is  nothing  morbid  in  my  love  for 
solitude,  and  that  I  can  be  gay  with  the  best  of  them 
when  we  'foregather*  (Christina's  word)  at  the  dinner 
table  or  about  the  big  hall  fire  at  night.  I  am  not 
able  to  take  long  tramps  with  the  guns,  even  if  I 
could  bear  to  see  them  kill  things. 

' '  I  have  found  my  soul  again  in  this  beautiful  spot, 
or,  to  put  it  more  simply,  my  soul  has  found  its  way 
back  to  God. 


356  MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE 

' '  I  have  no  more  desire  even  to  question  any  of  the 
happenings  of  my  life.  I  seem  to  know  that  each 
one,  even  the  most  poignant,  has  been  necessary. 

"Wonder  of  wonders!  I  can  even  think  without 
bitterness  of  the  woman  who  has  been  my  thorn  in 
the  flesh  all  these  years. 

"Even  she  has  been  permitted,  in  order  that 
something  might  be  completed  in  me.  Perhaps  too 
much  happiness  would  not  have  been  good  for  me. 
I  might  have  grown  hard  and  selfish  without  any 
understanding  of  the  need  and  suffering  of  others. 
For  instance,  I  should  not  have  been  able  to  enter 
into  the  trouble  of  poor  Mrs.  Arkwright  unless  I  had 
gone  part  of  that  difficult  way. 

' '  I  had  a  letter  from  her  yesterday,  quite  cheerful 
and  hopeful,  in  which  she  says  she  thinks  things  are 
going  better  in  her  home. 

' '  She  has  every  hope  of  winning  her  husband  back 
again,  and  speaks  of  his  gentleness  and  consideration 
toward  her  and  the  children,  but  especially  toward 
her. 

' '  She  makes  far  too  much  of  the  little  I  did  for  her, 
and  tells  me  she  never  goes  to  sleep  a  single  night 
without  praying  God  to  spare  me  many  years,  and 
give  me  my  heart's  desire. 

"What  is  my  heart's  desire  now,  I  wonder? 
Everything  seems  to  have  fallen  away  from  my  rest- 
less heart,  leaving  only  peace. 

' '  I  have  had  only  one  prayer  all  these  years  since 
I  knew  I  must  not  ask  for  another  child — that  God 
would  give  me  my  husband's  soul,  and  that  I  might 


MY  WIFE'S   HIDDEN   LIFE  357 

yet  taste  the  supreme  happiness  of  kneeling  by  his 
side  in  the  prayer  and  worship  which  his  voice  would 
lead. 

"But  even  that  I  can  leave  now,  for  God  has 
revealed  Himself  to  me  here,  and  I  know  that  He  has 
undertaken  for  me. 

"To  understand  the  Scotch  fully,  one  has  to  see 
them  at  home  in  their  own  country.  The  Yuills  are 
perfectly  delightful  here. 

"They  keep  an  almost  feudal  style,  and  all  their 
people  seem  absolutely  devoted  to  them.  What  I 
like  best  of  all  the  household  arrangements  is  when 
we  gather  morning  and  evening  for  what  they  call 
'worship'  in  the  big  hall.  All  the  servants  and 
guests  come,  and  nobody  is  excused  unless  they  are 
ill.  It  is  such  a  fine  beginning  and  ending  to  the  day, 
and  gives  one  such  a  feeling  of  security  and  peace. 

"Yet  people  talk  as  if  religion  made  people  dull. 
What  a  mistake  and  a  libel  it  is!  There  could  not 
possibly  be  a  jollier  house  than  this.  I  have  not 
laughed  so  much  for  years.  I  do  hope  nothing  will 
happen  to  prevent  Gilbert  coming,  at  least  for  a 
week-end.  It  would  be  so  good  for  him  to  see  it  all. 
When  I  come  to  think  of  it,  they  have  never  said  a 
word  about  his  visit  since  I  came,  though  Christina 
heard  him  promising  me  at  King's  Cross  that  he 
would  be  sure  to  come. 

"Probably  he  told  Andrew  privately  that  there  is 
no  chance  of  his  getting  away  again,  and  they  think 
it  kinder  to  me  not  to  speak  about  it. 


358  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

"I  had  also  a  letter  this  morning  from  Mrs. 
Jermyn.  She  is  taking  the  Women's  Meeting  while 
I  am  away,  and  writes  to  tell  me  how  she  got  on  on 
Monday.  She  also  has  far  too  many  kind  things  to 
say  about  my  work.  If  it  is  all  true,  that  they  miss 
me  so  much,  and  only  bear  my  absence  because  it  is 
going  to  give  me  fresh  strength  for  the  coming  winter, 
why,  then,  isn't  life  greatly  worth  living?  How  un- 
grateful and  unfaithful  I  have  been!  I  deserve 
nothing  but  to  be  classed  with  the  doubters  of 
whom  Thomas  was  the  chief. 

' '  I  did  not  have  a  letter  from  Gilbert  to-day,  but 
I  shall  have  one  to-morrow  in  answer  to  the  one  I 
wrote  him  sitting  on  the  hillside  right  high  among 
the  heather.  I  was  so  pleased  because  I  had  a  little 
spray  of  white  heather  to  send  him  for  luck.  I 
found  it  all  by  myself,  which  one  has  to  do,  or  it  has 
not  the  same  significance.  Christina  says  it  has 
become  very  scarce  in  Glen  Isla  of  late  years. 
People  are  such  vandals  in  their  eagerness  to  get 
it,  they  think  nothing  of  dragging  it  away  by  the 
roots.  I  cut  out  my  dear  little  sprig  very  carefully, 
and  put  it  inside  the  page  of  my  letter.  I  think 
it  was  a  nice  one  I  wrote.  Somehow  I  felt  sunshiny 
inside,  and  I  just  poured  out  my  heart  and  told 
him  he  must  come  to  Glen  Isla  to  be  made  young 
again. 

"To-day  I  have  been  thinking  such  a  lot  about  my 
little  son.  In  my  reading  to-day  I  came  across  that 
lovely  promise  about  the  boys  and  girls  playing 
about  the  street  of  the  heavenly  city. 


MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE  359 

"Mine  is  there  among  them,  and  when  I  get  there 
too  I  shall  know  him.  Then  all  this  hunger  of  the 
heart  will  die  away,  and  I  shall  take  my  place  among 
the  joyful  mothers  of  children. 

"I  somehow  think  that  God  will  remember  how 
empty  my  arms  were  here,  and  fill  them  full.  I 
should  like  to  take  care  of  the  little  lonely  children 
till  their  own  mothers  come. 

"Just  to-day,  sitting  here  on  this  gray  boulder 
among  the  heather  with  the  hills  behind  and  around, 
the  glen  with  its  tumbling  stream  at  my  feet,  and  the 
illimitable  sky  overhead,  it  is  all  so  near  and  real 
that  almost  it  might  happen  any  day." 

Here  the  journal  ends,  for  before  twenty-four 
hours  had  passed  her  dream  was  realized,  and  all  the 
loneliness  of  her  spirit,  the  anguish  of  a  misplaced 
trust,  were  swallowed  up  in  victory. 

What  more  can,  need  I,  say?  It  is  all  over,  save 
the  hell  I  have  created  for  myself. 

Six  months  have  elapsed,  and  I  am  passing  these 
sheets  for  the  Press. 

In  the  interval  I  have  given  them  to  Jane  to  read, 
and  she  has  approved  my  desire  to  give  this  story, 
Hester's  and  mine,  to  the  world.  But  mercifully  she 
has  had  very  little  to  say. 

She  has  been  more  than  kind,  and  has  remained  on 
in  this  sad  house  when  she  had  the  world  to  choose 
from,  and  could  have  been  happier  elsewhere. 

To-day  she  has  told  me  something  which  has 


360  MY  WIFE'S  HIDDEN   LIFE 

surprised  me  very  much.  She  is  going  to  marry 
Andrew  Yuill. 

' '  Of  course,  it  was  Hester  he  cared  for,  and  would 
have  given  his  life  for  any  day.  That  is  why  he 
has  never  been  able  to  see  you  or  to  come  here. 
Hester  is  the  bond  between  us;  she  wanted  us  to 
marry." 

I  muttered  something  about  the  risks  of  marrying 
for  any  such  motive;  but  Jane  only  smiled. 

"Neither  of  us  is  young,  Gibbie,  and  I  think  we 
won't  expect  too  much.  Anyway,  we  are  going  to 
try  it,  and  Christina  is  a  great  deal  better  pleased 
than  if  she  had  been  going  to  marry  herself." 

So  in  a  few  weeks'  time  I  shall  be  once  more  alone, 
and  all  the  busy  world  of  men  and  things  will  go  on 
precisely  as  if  nothing  had  happened. 

"Will  you  stop  on  in  this  big  house,  do  you 
think,  Gibbie? "  asked  Jane,  looking  at  me  with  great 
kindliness. 

"I  will  never  leave  it,"  I  answered,  and  some  of 
the  anguish  of  my  soul  found  expression  in  my  voice. 

It  was  a  few  moments  before  she  answered : 

"I  am  glad,  Gibbie;  this  house  belongs  to  Hester, 
and  some  day  I  feel  sure  she  will  bring  you  a  message 
from  the  other  side." 

It  is  the  hope  in  which  I  live. 


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